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Why are you moving out. Do not sign rental papers. You will have to pay rent and half payment on your house.

Do you own or rent your current house?

Whose name is the home in?

DO not move out, your are giving up control, do not do that. I can see reading the emails out of curiosity, but remember, the way your wife has treated you and is currently treating you is abuse and she is wrong...not you.

Do not look back on your marriage and nitpick everything wrong that you did, because those things did not lead up to her having an affair.

This board is full of BSs that did everything right and yet their WSs had affairs.

I did the same damn thing, I would think about every little damn thing. Oh, I didn't take the trash to the curb every single week. Oh, I drank too much beer during the Super Bowl, etc, etc.

You can go insane doing that, so don't. Because you did not cause this. Your wife did, her very wrongful actions and choices caused this.

The house is in both our names. She will have to buy me out if she wants to stay otherwise I am fine selling it.

How do you you guys deal with having to live in same house (and do 180) without going insane?

Lawyer here. Do not leave the house. Bad idea on many different levels.

Listen to redsox. Matrimonial Lawyer here, DO NOT MOVE OUT. You will wind up paying for two households and you won't be able to come back in. Listen to what everyone is telling you.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 12:30 PM, September 30th (Tuesday)]

How do you you guys deal with having to live in same house (and do 180) without going insane?

Let's just say that your WW didn't have an A. Instead, she was killed in a tragic accident. What would you do? Obviously you would have a period in which to grieve for her passing, but eventually your focus would turn to your boys and figuring out how to survive as a single dad, correct?

Who would you reach out to for support? Friends, family, co-workers, school? What would be your plan for you and your boys to move on with life?

Think about that plan and write it down.

I bet that plan doesn't have you getting a new place and leaving your boys in the house. Detach from your WW, not your boys.

You have to look at your WW as some rebelious teenager who happens to take up space in your home. That's how her mind works, like a teenager. YOU be the adult in that household and show leadership to your kids. You be Mr. Mom. Start learning to cook meals for them, read stories to them at bedtime, plan outings with them on the weekends, focus your efforts on doing things for their benefit. "Nice" your boys because they want that relationship with you.

Treat yourself as well. Start getting in shape. Start looking to change out your wardrobe. Groom yourself as if you are going back out on the dating scene again (but don't date, just practice the effort). Fill your calendar with things to do for yourself and your boys. Think about, what would you do if you were a single dad? Visualize it then act on it. Time to sharpen up those "man" skills.

Also, you don't have to seek approval from your WW anymore in your plans. For example, you just tell her "I'm taking the boys out to the ball game this weekend." or "Me and the little guys are going out to eat at that new XYZ restaurant."

Start now to build a new life with your boys.

And for God's sake, hire a lawyer, like NOW.

Thanks JDuff. Good points. I did get a lawyer (family lawyer and good one) who gave me a lot of advice today. He said it doesn't matter if I move out, just make sure I know what I want to take and get financial records in order. That made me feel better. I won't move out for a month and by then who knows what will have changed.

I do plan on spending time with the boys on the weekend although this weekend I plan on spending time with my immediate family on my own. I need that space just for a little while.

Seriously I have hard time at night not thinking how while I am sleeping she is texting/videoing who knows what with the OM even though she has promised no physical contact. That is probably the single biggest trigger for me right now--letting go of what she does. Still doing 180 except she gives me these little pats which are also triggers.

shocked i too will join the chorus for not moving out.

Even though your lawyer said there is no issue, that is from a legal position to the divorce but you lose so much with your kids and financial dealings regardless of what you might think now.

I understand you have a hard time staying in the house with her. At this point, don't try to be so academic with the 180, you already have an established path. She is just no another occupant in the home that is for a temporary time but shouldn't be enough to even lose 1 minute of your time with your kids as that will come to be on its own as you divorce.

By staying, you are being more of a man, and as you pull yourself even more emotionally from your wife within the same house... i can guarantee the satisfaction you will get... your WS will be the one that loses... trust me.

Still doing 180 except she gives me these little pats which are also triggers.

Tell her to knock it off, that it's condescending and disrespectful to you. Look her straight in the eyes so she knows you are serious.

What’s up with these “little pats” anyway? Why/when does she do that? You’re not her puppy - tell her to knock it off.

You’re going to D your WW so whomever she's texting/videoing and whatever they’re talking about should not matter to you. Read a book in bed to take your mind off things - then fall to sleep.

You didn’t sign any rental papers, right?

Hang in there, buddy.

I did start the lease process to move out in a month. We will have to agree on parenting time before I leave and I will get it in an email. It is too hard to be in the same house as her. She wants the house but is worried she can't buy me out or afford the monthly mortgage/maintenance. Whatever. I have a lawyer for that. Every day now since in-laws were here I have been sleeping with one of my boys. I enjoy that but still dream of her and wake up in a crappy mood.

Shocked,

I know it's hard but please listen to the advice given here. I've heard of many other BH's who were hurt by moving out.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:06 AM, October 12th (Sunday)]

Not sure I understand RegretfullyMe.

Please explain why me moving out is bad? How does it help my sanity to stay? If I tell her to move out that will not keep things amicable and it will go sour fast and I don't need that extra stress.

I will have schedules with the kids and not have to see her everyday. I don't care that she wants to stay in the house. It may be that we have to sell it anyway.

I also woke up today with an overwhelming desire to wish life was as it were before dday. I know this is wrong but it has made my day crappy now. Plus these posts aren't helping me feel any better.

Feel like crap.

Regarding why moving out is bad - pls re-read the posts.

We all wish life is as it was pre-dday.

Sorry that some of these posts aren’t making you feel any better, bro. Although everyone that has responded to your questions and statements have posted as nicely as they can - this isn’t a Hallmark site. People come here for guidance and that’s what we give.

In the end you are the one who will have decided on all matters, certainly not us. It is obvious that your intention is to move out, and that’s fine. We are not being judgmental nor non-caring about your decision rather we collectively, based on our own experiences and what we have learned here on SI, feel that it would be in your best interest to stay. You’ve heard from lawyers here who suggest that you stay put until such a time comes when it won’t matter where you live. We just don’t want you to have any regrets.

You seem like a very sensitive guy and I think your WW is taking full advantage of that personality trait. Shame on her and everyone like her. Our place here is to point out that you really need to be strong, tough, thick skinned and deliberate. Being the nice guy won’t serve you, or your boys, well. Now is the time to dig in, not run.

We’re here for YOU and your well being...

Shocked,

She's already hinted that she won't be able to afford to buy half the house off you. Once you're out of the house the narrative will ramp up.

If you leave and she takes possession of the family home you won't be able to get her out of it because she will be a resident mother with children and no judge will evict them. You will be paying for that. She's being nice (and patronising by your own admission) because she has to. If she wasn't nice to you your choices would be way different. She's playing nice on purpose. Once you're out it will change.

She does not respect you or your feelings. She's been fucking other men for christs sake. She does not have the best interests of the children at heart despite what she says.

I know you want to keep things amicable. And I know you mean it. She wants to keep things amicable for entirely different motives. Once you're out you are powerless.

[This message edited by allatsea at 10:03 AM, October 1st (Wednesday)]

I also woke up today with an overwhelming desire to wish life was as it were before dday.

We all wish this and it is a very common feeling.

I hope you listen to others and do not move out of your house. Do you really think she will pay you half, no. She will be entrenched in the house. You will then have two payments to make each month.

I think now is the time to conserve money, not waste it on rent.

Start talking to real estate agents. It could make you feel better if you start planning for a new life, and a better life.

Makes me feel better, I know everyone is here to support me. Sometimes I just get confused. I like making decisions and sticking to them. There is a sense of closure and empowerment that comes with that.

I am talking to my attorney today on next steps. Hopefully that will make everything clearer on what makes most sense starting right now.

I know the logical side of me knows she is messed up emotionally

Shocked, I am really sorry you are going through this nightmare. I really have nothing to add to the great advice and support you've received so far, but would like to comment on the quoted part:

The logical side of you is right! It's about her unresolved problems and issues, and not about you. There are millions of spouses out there who are faithful to their vows, for better or worse. They are faithful to spouses with medical problems that render them unable to have sex, spouses who are morbidly obese, spouses whose looks are long gone, spouses who are suffering through long-term illnesses and disabilities, spouses who are mean, abusive, drunk, drug-addicted, criminals, broke, lazy...you get the point.

Nothing you did or didn't do justifies her bad behavior in any way. That is 100% on her.

There's a natural tendency for us B.S. to wonder what was so lacking in us to make our spouses commit the big marital crime of infidelity. For many it takes a long to come to terms with these thoughts.

Tell yourself every day that you were WORTH her lifetime fidelity. She just wasn't up to the task for whatever reason.

Best of luck, and take care of yourself.

Shocked, have you read this yet?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp

Also, note what allatsea posted and in particular this:

She does not have the best interests of the children at heart despite what she says.

I know you want to keep things amicable. And I know you mean it. She wants to keep things amicable for entirely different motives. Once you're out you are powerless.

You can find this out real quick. Just tell her "I changed my mind. I'm staying in the house. I think it would be better if YOU moved into an apartment, or better yet, move in with the OM. I'll stay here with the kids."

See if she flips her lid. If she does, then you know what all those little "pats" were all about, being gleeful that you are going along with her agenda all along.