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I am printing off the divorce papers my attorney sent me yesterday and I plan to hand them to her tonight before she goes to bed.

Do you think your wife is expecting these papers or will they shock her?

Which thread JDuff? My wife is expecting them. Doing it today since she went to bed at 8 last night.

Here is part 22-

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=538923

Prepare yourself for the unicorn pic. It's a doozy.

Gave her the summons to sign as respondent yesterday before bed and she just said she won't sign anything until her attorney reviews it. I said "oh you have an attorney?" and she said no, not yet still just the one hour session she paid for with someone. I said well you have 21 days to sign.

This after she was very nice to me all day, I took the boys to my family for football and cousin time so she had the whole day to herself after running a race in the morning. I still have been sleeping with my boys at night.

Should I try sleeping in the same bed? I do still feel a need to have sex--should I even brooch that subject with her or forget about it? Even as I type I think it's a stupid thought. Oh well.

I have my IC appointment here in an hour. Hopefully I can get some more emotions out. She has been very moody since I exposed the A person to her. Can't believe it's been 2.5 weeks since dday. Things are moving fast. Head is spinning.

She has been very moody since I exposed the A person to her. Can't believe it's been 2.5 weeks since dday. Things are moving fast. Head is spinning.

Who has been moody, your wife?

Is she still seeing the OM, talking, texting and all that?

And no, you should not have sex with her. And no, you should not even hint at that.

Yes, she's been moody which leads me to believe she has not been in much contact with OM otherwise she would be in happyland. She took the dissolution papers today and I assume went to her attorney (or others to interview) so we'll see what happens tonight. I have a plan for parenting time, what to do with house/equity, and my retirement. I'd like to go through it all with her tonight but I guess it depends on her "mood" and if she is willing to stay amicable. I think reality is slowly starting to sink in for her. It sure has for me.

I have not been through a divorce, but have been in my share of legal battles on the business front.

I'd like to go through it all with her tonight but I guess it depends on her "mood" and if she is willing to stay amicable.

I would be very careful going over it with her in detail. Just stick to the known facts. Others would have better advice that have been through this.

Just remember, you are dealing with someone who is not being upfront with you. Just a thought.

She fell asleep with kids at bedtime yet again. No conversation. Yet another reminder of why the divorce is a good decision. Sigh.

I know my posts might sound hard on you so let me start by saying I think you are making great progress.

So if your attorney has written down an agreement that is to your liking then you simply pass it on to your wife and she can discuss it with HER attorney if she so choses.

As long as the agreement is FAIR and ensures your interests then you don’t really need to go over it with your wife. To use my do-it-yourself appendix removal analogy: It’s like waking up from anesthesia to discuss where and how to cut with the surgeon.

OK – If she insists then you can discuss minor items and alterations but basically your mantra when and if she discusses the divorce should be:

“The decision to divorce is not the decision I would have preferred but I accept it as inevitable and the lesser of two evils compared to living in infidelity. I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to ensure the divorce process remains fair and ensures my rights. If you have comments to the agreement then discuss them with your attorney. Only remember that there are known ways to figure out distribution of debts and assets and it is my firm belief that the agreement I sent you is fair and based on those known ways”.

And then you move on. You remove yourself from the couch, the room, the table or wherever you are and WW is too.

No conversation? Well… What do you expect? Like I said in an earlier post then people that divorce rarely if ever remain friends.

Ps: How does your proposal handle the family house? Can she keep it? Will she pay you out or will you retain the house? If the papers have been filed, a suggestion on the table then IMHO the time when you two stop residing in the same home is not far off.

Still haven't filed as she won't sign the co-petition (that she wanted) until she finds an attorney. I've been doing the 180 and finding it easier to deal with her and just confirms that she wants nothing to do with me. It's very cold and businesslike at home except for the stupid pats she gives me. "How are you doing" "Good morning". Then she falls asleep by 8 and we have no time to talk about divorce. I'm moving out in a few weeks and I am excited (to not have to see her every day) but scared of living on my own and setting up a new routine with the kids. Still haven't told them yet. I am finally eating better and sleeping with medication so I must be healing in some fashion. Nights and mornings are the hardest though--anyone else notice that? When does that go away?

I want the divorce clock to start already. I already told her what I thought was fair in divorce during our MC session a few days ago. We agreed to keep it amicable and be as transparent as possible and communicate before making decisions but that's kind of hard when she fucking falls asleep at 8 every night and we never talk.

She's been very defensive and moody the past several weeks but I just keep my mouth shut and spend time with the boys. They are my life and I cry alone thinking about them.

Anyway, just felt a need to update and get some motivation for what's coming.

Oh, and I'm screwed financially. Having to pay rent on my own while I still support a household. That should be fun. Hello parents!

She is most likely not falling a sleep at 8:00 -- she is texting and/or talking to the OM or on the web doing things a married person shouldn't.

Is she paying anything? so surprised that your lawyer says this is ok? Some divorces take many years... how long do you think you can keep this up?

I'd at least say that I would not move out until she signs...I can see here dragging this out forever, and why not, she's got the house and you paying for it.

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:36 AM, October 9th (Thursday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:05 AM, October 12th (Sunday)]

Shocked:

I am going to use my prerogative as a long-time poster with a supposedly good rep here on SI to be extremely firm with you:

The reason you are getting royally screwed is because you don‘t seem to take note of a single piece of advice offered here.

Like don’t leave the house, don’t talk divorce, place all in the hands of attorney, expose affair, arrange fixed parenting schedule…

OK – Some people might be fine with virtual hugs and pats on the back but I just can’t cheer someone on I see driving at speed towards a cliff.

Take action, set a course and follow it or else accept that you will come out of this a broken man.

We're all advising you to NOT move out until everything is agreed upon/filed. She has no incentive to talk to you, if she knows you'll move out -> you will move out, she will be rid of you and will get the house (at least temporarily), which the kids will naturally like more than any other place.

DO NOT MOVE OUT! Why do you want to move out so badly instead of fighting for the house? I think you should fight for the house, so the kids will retain the emotionally healthy(ier) parent in the house.

If you move out, the kids will instinctivly feel that "daddy did something bad and had to go away". Do you really want that?

1. Talk to your lawyer again about fighting for the house

2. Talk to your personal therapist

3. Talk to a family therapist what would be better for you and your relationship with the kids.

Stop ignoring the advice you get here, or at least give us arguments why you think the advice is wrong.

We're all trying to help you, this was just a bit of tough love:) Best wishes

Duly noted Bigger - I have set a course about moving on with my life. I am getting out of the house, I have an attorney, we will file dissolution soon, she has to buy me out or we sell it, and I don't have to see her cheating face anymore. I'm just going through the emotions like everyone else.

Yes--she gets what she wants--she gets a divorce and I'm not around anymore. But that happens in the end regardless of the timing.

I know you're trying to help but my attorney said it doesn't matter if I move out or not. So I'm listening to him.

Shocked27, you are getting great advice here. Please listen to it.

If you move out prior to filing, then your WW has a chance to set up a new status quo with her and the kids in the house. If you are able to pay rent and continue supporting the household, this may set a precedent that shows the Court that Shocked27 is able to take care of himself (ie., pay rent) and pay sufficient support that allows your WW to stay in the home. Also, it may be apparent that the house will eventually be sold, it may take awhile. It is not uncommon for the Court to allow a parent and children to stay in the home until the end of the school year to avoid disrupting the children's lives. Where I come from, the paramount interest that the Court (Justice) considers is the best interests of the child. Not what is fair, or what is equitable, but what is best for the children. If you leave, you are giving her a huge advantage. What if she moves OM into the house after your departure and he is able to provide enough financial support for your WW to stay in the home?

Did you speak to other attorneys before choosing this one? Is he experienced in family, custody and matrimonial property? I do not mean to cast aspersion on the legal advice you are receiving but please be sure that you have competent, reliable and knowledgeable counsel. I know lawyers are not cheap, but please consider a second opinion before you take a course of action that can seriously prejudice your position.

Long before I thought infidelity could be a part of my life, my best friend went through a terrible marriage and divorce.

His attorney was the type who just threw up his arms and said the courts were biased against men. They commiserated and bonded and my friend followed his advice.

The result - not only did he lose big-time in the settlement, but his ex had no fear of the process, and she was able to take the kids out of state and violate the divorce agreement constantly with respect to visitation.

Have you at least received opinions from other attorneys? From everything I've heard, moving out voluntarily at this stage is a big mistake.

A good attorney, even an expensive one, is well worth the money.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:06 AM, October 12th (Sunday)]

Still doing 180 but when do the feelings go away? I still want to hug her and feel her touch. It is driving me crazy. I feel hopeless for the future and yet so angry at her. All these conflicting emotions. I hate nights and mornings! How the f have you all dealt with these highs and lows on a daily basis. I feel the extreme need for opposite sex emotional attention since I am getting none. But I should feel strong enough not to feel that way. I know it. Aaaaaaaaggghhhh!