SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And saw a text to our contractor where she asked him when this is over to hook her up with his friends for a good time. Why do I still care? I am going crazy! She just wants to relive her college days and just fuck around? Again why do I care? Fuck. Sorry for the rant

Do you think if she sleeps around she'll ultimately be fulfilled?

What she's doing is very superficial, momentary shots of happiness to cover up whatever short comings she has.

She could sleep with the world but it won't fill her soul with happiness. It's cliche yes but it's a truism. Instead of bouncing straight into another relationship you're taking time to sort yourself out. You benefit in the long run, as much as it hurts to see her act this way.

She has her issues and is refusing to deal with them. That is her problem. Look after yourself and more importantly heal.

By the time the divorce is finalized you'll be way ahead of her in terms of progress of self.

Except she is way ahead of me in the detachment department which is why the affair was so easy. Going through this just sucks. I wish I had a caring woman to snuggle with and hold, share my feelings. When I have the kids how do I stop thinking about what she is probably doing when they are not around? Damn this whole thing blows.

You need validation. We all do after an experience like this.

So you're turning back to the one person who really can't give you any validation. And in doing so, you feel weaker and appear weaker than ever. It's a sad spiral and one that I can identify with.

I wish I had good advice. I dated too early after separation, but luckily didn't cause damage. Luckily. There are far too many men and women out there who are only too willing to behave badly and give out false validation.

Yes she's detached, absolutely, she doesn't give a caring hoot but is she fulfilled? Happy, truly? No.

She should be using this time to figure out why she cheated, why she feels the need to be with other guys, drift from relationship to relationship. She's not asking these questions, she's barreling head first, where ever the wind takes her.

She's detached, but in terms of personal development and progress she's regressed.

There will come a time when she has to look in the mirror and face herself. She hasn't done that yet. Whatever issues she's not addressing whether it's you or some other guy are going to rear their head sooner rather than later.

She may have detached from you, but not her issues.

I am with bigger, if anything i can say.. is to not move out... you are going to sabotage your time with your kids and theirs and for what? To be rid of her... please that will come in its own time with the divorce.

You have taken steps but moving out is exactly driving off the cliff... you are creating one freedom but also creating another prison at the same time.

[This message edited by atreides at 8:20 AM, October 13th (Monday)]

I have heeded advice here and backed off the ledge of moving out even though I have everything lined up. I plan on talking with my attorney tomorrow on legal aspects.

I spoke with cheater yesterday about my possible intention of staying and she said she can't live with me so she would move out (sleep at friends). How nice! Of course then I have responsibilities of kids routines but I assume she wouldn't want to jeapordize my career (her only support) if I am doing full time kid duty. She said I stress her out to which I said coming home to her gives me anxiety and stress. I'm glad she is stressed out. She deserves it.

I'm having hard days--constantly trying to keep my self esteem intact and not overthink the future and how bleak my current mind is projecting it. I have constant shakes and anxiety. Sucks. I have this yearning for validation which I know I can't get right now which makes things even harder. I get it from my kids at the momement which gives me great joy. But beyond that I'm a mess. How do I stop the need for physical affection and emotional affection? It drives me crazy trying to break this co-dependence.

She is crazy--she says she can't live with me but after the divorce sees us having normal social interactions and she'll be fine. Like she still wants all of us together doing family type activites. WTF?

Heh shocked, your a great guy. You are hard working, thoughtful & mature.

You can do wayyyyyyyy better. And there is a woman out there who will treat you right, snuggle up & enjoy your company. Chapter closed- another one about to open.

Don't waste another minute on your mental wife.

I'm so glad that you're reconsidering moving out. Let her make the difficult move. You should stay with your children and let her find a shag pad so she can act like a frat girl without your kids being anywhere near.

Trust me, it's for the best. I can't tell you how glad I am that my ex moved out and left me in the marital home.

You are doing really well. Don't crave affection and support from her. She is poisonous fruit. Looks tempting, especially when you're hungry but it will make you sick.

Best of luck

Have you bought a VAR yet? If she's indeed crazy, she might try to set you up with a false domestic violence accusation. Be careful!

I too am so glad that you are reconsidering the move. While living with her is hell right now... living alone, going into debt while she has the house and the kids...plus weekend with OM at your house?!? was going to be hell too.

Crashing at a friends is not going to be fun for her for too long.

As far as help with the kids. This is an excellent time for family to help out. Can your Mom with you for a week? Can you put the kids in a fun after school program? Not sure how old they are.

Work out visitation sooner -- Can you leave work early on certain days?

You've mentioned friends - any have similar aged children that could help out?

Good luck

I'm having hard days--constantly trying to keep my self esteem intact and not overthink the future and how bleak my current mind is projecting it. I have constant shakes and anxiety. Sucks. I have this yearning for validation which I know I can't get right now which makes things even harder. I get it from my kids at the momement which gives me great joy. But beyond that I'm a mess. How do I stop the need for physical affection and emotional affection? It drives me crazy trying to break this co-dependence.

You can't really stop the need. All you can do is work through it one episode at a time. Every time it gets easier and eventually you will start to feel like and finally become your own master. That's positive self esteem my man, and it's worth every moment of grief and every struggle to achieve that.

When you think about it the need for validation is one of the main reasons people stray in the first place. You're better than that.

Believe in yourself man. You have come a long ways and should be proud of yourself.

You've taken a number of emotional cheap shots and sucker punches and you know what? You're still standing proud and true to yourself.

Keep up the good work! You can do this.

Man, went to IC counseling today again and boy did that help. Here's my new mantra:

1. This too shall pass

2. It will require a lot of me

3. I can do this

4. It will lead me to a place of solid footing

5. I will not end up alone

6. Stop the war--it only causes me more pain.

Hopefully this rings true for others as well. I'm centered (at the moment) but will keep going through this over and over again until I am healed.

Finally decided not to move out. Just didn't make financial sense. Sense of relief but a little scary knowing if she leaves I will have more responsibility with the boys. It's interesting how once the divorce process starts the detachment becomes easier. Although we still haven't filed the papers yet. She won't sign until her attorney reviews. Fine.

Aahhh...just glad making progress logistically and emotionally. Thanks all for the support.

Not if, but when she leaves Brother. Regardless how this plays out, they're going to need a *safe* place to recover. Guess who's elected.

Strength

Timing is everything....just got done arguing with the cheater who thinks I am trying to screw her financially. Turn on the radio and I hear U2's beautiful day song. I am finally turnin a corner about caring anymore about her. I just don't. Told her I want what's equitable but she doesn't believe me. She said she wants everything cut right down the middle. I guess it's all through attorneys at this point.

When you're ready might want to start a thread over in D/S to help you through how to play the D negotiations, since it seems like she's making some disturbing first moves. Probably nothing to be too concerned with but I'm sure there's a lot of wisdom over there that can help you navigate.

Shocked my friend it seems to take you a bit to accept our advice but this one is huge and I think is being blown off by you. Get a VAR keep it on you. Use it any conversation you have with her. She has been pretty predictable in her actions for us vets.

You were aiming for a lawyer free amicable divorce. You didn't see how moving out would harm things. Now you are getting the bigger picture. She wants more than she deserves, she is willing to walk away from her kids. She will get mean and nasty and she will do what it takes to get what she deserves.

Please listen to us document everything. Time that she passes on taking g care of the kids. Money she spends to engage in her A. Anything that may effect judgements in D.

Timing is everything....just got done arguing with the cheater who thinks I am trying to screw her financially. Turn on the radio and I hear U2's beautiful day song. I am finally turnin a corner about caring anymore about her. I just don't. Told her I want what's equitable but she doesn't believe me. She said she wants everything cut right down the middle. I guess it's all through attorneys at this point.

Groundhog day.

I can tell you what's next. I've already predicted the future. I wrote it a year ago. Read my post to find out your future

[This message edited by allatsea at 8:47 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)]

T/j AAS, kind of scary how predictable WS's are, isn't it? T/j

Shocked, Read TN's post again. VAR will be your friend brother. Take it from one who did have DV charges filed. It's not pretty. It's really not cheap, and it lingers, even if totally acquitted.

Strength