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N P D Thread - Part 14

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WornDown posted 5/20/2015 10:10 AM

Your lawyer isn't allowed in with you? sheesh.

Just stick to the facts. Don't say he's crazy, or NPD - those are judgements. Just lay out the facts of his actions (the crazy ones) and let the mediator/judge come to the conclusion that WH is not able to consistently provide care. Or that what WH is saying is overblown or just not true. Just the facts, ma'am.

A good book on how to deal with NPD in legal settings is "Splitting" You can get it on amazon for ~$10. I found it useful.

nekorb posted 5/20/2015 12:55 PM

WornDown - our attorneys are meeting with the magistrate while we are in mediation. The hope was that we would have the parenting plan completed before the mediation date and be able to cancel.

Yeah. Not So Much.

honesttoafault posted 5/21/2015 21:57 PM


If you can get a friend to just accompany you to court for moral support it would be great. It doesn't have to be anyone who knows the whole story, just someone who is willing to sit there next to you. It does help.

Don't be like I always was, that I felt I could handle everything and I didn't need anyone!! We are all human and need support.

Just offer your friend dinner/lunch!! It's ok to ask for help!!

PrincessPeach06 posted 5/22/2015 14:02 PM

Hello all. I'm new here and haven't had time to read much and am getting ready to take a road trip with 4 kids by myself (eek!) but wanted to say hi.

You can search my old posts for pieces of my story. It's long and crazy as are most here I'm sure.

(((((HUGS))))) to all!!!

Compartmented posted 5/22/2015 23:33 PM

So, Nekorb, you have to be alone with your stbx, to discuss the parenting plan, or will it be in front of someone at court?

If it's just the two of you, maybe try to have a few answers already prepared for when he says things that are irrelevant and designed to upset you. Someone gave me a line that I began to use with my ex. Whenever he started in on a rant and got off topic, I'd say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" very calmly. At first he raged, "You're Not Sorry, whine whine whine." And after he heard it a few times he realized what I was really saying, which wasn't an apology but was actually, "what you are saying isn't the truth, just what you feel, and therefore it means nothing to me". I loved saying it. Another thing I enjoyed saying to him, once we were divorced and he continued to approach me, was "I would like you to leave me alone." It didn't matter what he said to me, that's what I would say to him. It was the most fun when he'd say something else and I'd repeat the exact same sentence to him. He would realize he wasn't getting anywhere and he'd go pout.

Anyway, it made me feel good to have these two in my arsenal as he was very upsetting to me. This is of course not useful to help you actually negotiate any of the parenting issues. Regarding those, as my ex was cheating with prostitutes, whenever he'd bring up custody discussions I would quietly say, "Let's let the judge decide that." I knew he didn't want the judge to hear why I didn't want him to have custody of our teen son. No way was I going to let that happen. I was going to tell the truth and if the judge decided he was going to make my son go with FT, that would not be on my conscience!!

How old are your children? I was able to put it into the divorce that my son would decide which parent he lived with and when he saw either parent, as he was turning 17. FT is abusive and I didn't want my son forced to see him.

Compartmented posted 5/23/2015 00:14 AM

PrincessPeach, welcome to the Tribe. I'm sorry to read (in your other threads) what you've been through so far. Are you and your children safe?

I'm glad to hear you are getting the protective order. While it is only a piece of paper, it does make a difference. The police were very clear with me when my ex was messing with me that without the order there was not much they could do to him. They could tell I was abused (emotionally) by the way I acted, but without the order they couldn't make him stay away.

I really think that reading "Splitting" is a good thing to start with. Keep posting! There's lots of good help here.

PrincessPeach06 posted 5/27/2015 16:38 PM

It's been a nightmare, court was a nightmare. My lawyer believed everything he claimed and now I have to leave the house every other week while he gets custody since Indiana law says summers are split evenly. He is paying all the bills and I get $25 a week. I drive a Ford Expedition that won't pay for even half of a tank of gas let alone food. Friends have offered to let me stay with them but that will get old fast. I CAN come over while he's at work which is a good 45 hours per week. My 13 year old already said she does NOT want to be in the house with her dad and two older brothers.

He claimed I am a party girl who does not take care of my kids and doesn't cook or clean or do laundry. He had pics of me going out which were just with my friends and I did not have alcohol or look drunk. My kids were safe with my parents for ONE night. I know he has nothing on me so he will use whatever. My lawyers advice was to keep the house spotless, cook all the time and even avoid the gym cause he claimed I have a boyfriend there. Yeah, with a job (had an interview today), school and taking care of 6 kids that will kill me in a 3,000 square foot house. It's not even dirty except the kids rooms!

His dad is paying for a guardian and my dad is broke and once my lawyers retainer is up we have nothing. My only saving grace is my only income is $25 per week and his does not count as mine anymore since the restraining order is still in place so I may get legal aid. I need a new attorney anyway. All she could go on about was how we were so good looking and must make beautiful kids. WTH!?!?

I got a storage locker today and began to box up my personal stuff since I don't trust him at all in this house when I'm not around. I hate him so much, I was terrified of him in court and got screwed because of it.

woundedby2 posted 5/30/2015 23:50 PM


I'm so sorry that court was so awful. You definitely have to do whatever you can to get a better attorney representing you.

Why do you have to leave the house every other week? Are you both living in it? Or did one of you get exclusive use of the home?

PrincessPeach06 posted 6/2/2015 16:08 PM

Since there is a protection order the kids stay in the house and we alternate every other week. I am in he process of finding a new attorney, my dad said he will get a second mortgage if he has to.

nekorb posted 6/8/2015 22:04 PM

Princess Peach - welcome to the Tribe.

I will tell you I changed attorneys and it was the best thing I ever did. The first guy didn't protect me or my kids at all. The second guy had my D filed and my H out of the house (and a TRO!) within two weeks of being retained and accomplished all that while he was out of the country!

Go with your gut. Did you ask your L why he/she didn't stand up for you?

Wishing the best for you and your kids.

Wiserallthetime posted 6/18/2015 21:36 PM

You guys will understand this one: I offered via email a kind thing for my STBXWH (related to the kids, with divorce in process, on advice of my lawyer, otherwise, it wouldn't be done because I knew exactly how it was going to go down, and it is - just that way I predicted....), and he wrote a whole email in response, taking exception to the use of one single word in it, because, to him, it gave a negative implication regarding his parenting.... Meanwhile, I still get told by the kids he deliberately portrays me in all kinds of negative light, even directly to the kids..... sigh......

nekorb posted 7/5/2015 00:27 AM

Wiser - just wanted to say I've given up trying to do anything nice for WH (ie more time with the kids, etc), it just comes back to bite me in the ass. Aren't you just sick to death of their narcissistic bullshit?

Where is everybody anyway?

jjct posted 7/5/2015 10:01 AM

Wiser, maybe from now on, you can write whatever email on the advice of your L, but give it to your L, and have him send it...whatever it takes to minimize interactions, yaknow?

It takes a special kind of idiot assclown to do this:

he deliberately portrays me in all kinds of negative light, even directly to the kids

...because it will boomerang, and the kids will think much less of him for doing that.
Let it give you practice at your "minimizing skills", re-directing (reparenting!) the kids away from that toward funny, silly, or more interesting things - o look, a squirrel! -
Be strong. Don't let it show to your kids, because to hell with him and what he says about you, it's how he's trying to manipulate them.

Hi nekorb!!!!!!!!!!!! :::waves:::

humboldtmom posted 7/5/2015 13:15 PM

Hello everyone,

Don't know how I missed it, but I am in this club. Divorce proceedings are eye opening to say the least. STBXWH fits NPD. He made so many promises, and went back on most of them: he would not ask for alimony (wrong), was not wanting a separation due to a new OW (just admitted he immediately moved in with her), would give me money to help with the kds (not a dime), would not fight me over the kids (wants 50/50), wanted to keep his own debt and I keep mine (he asked for none of my debt, but I get half of his while he gets half my retirement, according to his response.)

I am so glad to be in court though. X is so frustratibg to me! And the more I use logic, the less he seems to get it. I need to just back off and provide facts to court.

Wiserallthetime posted 7/5/2015 13:33 PM

nekorb - Yes, I no longer try doing nice things for STBXWH, but, the truth is, he would have taken this anyway, and then caused a fight; it was better for the kids that I went ahead and gave it to him instead. (It was about a parenting time situation that is easily interpreted in two ways - one that would have benefited me, the other, the one he would have simply taken, had I not given it, him.) I, at first, objected doing it, and I didn't really want to do it, but my lawyer was right; STBX's reaction only ended up giving me even more ammo against him for custody, as only one that is not completely mentally stable writes a whole, many sentences long, email merely to complain about one word used, in one's own perception, only, as noting one's parenting choices in a negative light, in a several paragraphs long email where one is being given a gift..... On top of his complaint email, he never did thank me, either....not that I expected it, or that he had to, but that he did not puts his complaint email in an even worse light, ya know?

jjct - STBX's bad-mouthing me to the kids is already back-firing on him, in large part because I refuse to do the same to him, for my kids' sake. Thus, the kids have made the comparisons themselves, and they have quite a bit of disdain for him, and not just in this area. They are also older, and MOW was supposedly my BFF, which means she was like an aunt and her kids like cousins to mine; STBX and MOW also involved my kids in the A relationship, often using them as cover..... Thus, my kids also know about the A, which doesn't help their view of him. So, I no longer worry about what he is actually saying to them because they are already not really listening; I worry about showing them how people can live with morals and integrity for real.
As to minimizing contact, I have already told my lawyer the final settlement is going to have to spell out everything, to the nth degree - we are going to have to ask ourselves, on everything, what are all the ways this can be interpreted, what happens if this item is violated, and so one, and spell it all out as though we are dealing with a child, because, in reality, we are.... The less there is left unaddressed or questionable in the order, the less I have to have contact, which means less chances for him to try to hurt me. Thanks to SI and other sites, I have learned what I need to do; I only hope I do it to the extent necessary so it really helps me and my kids.

Chippednotbroken posted 7/31/2015 20:03 PM

Hi all. I have never posted here. My ex isn't necessarily NPD, more likely a high function psychopath, called borderline personality by his therapist and mine (he only went twice though while trying to stop the divorce).

He is still very much lying to me about sitters for the kids. Still threatens me about things, I have come to determine that every time he brings up something he doesn't want me to do, it is in fact because he is doing it. For example, does not want the kids around anyone I am dating no matter how long we have been dating. Turns out he has had them around 3 women, one his fiance and two "other women" I guess?

Anyway. He stopped taking the kids. It's been awhile. He would never give me more than a few hours notice anyone. I finally got fed up today, after having to make up reasons to my kids why he didn't come when he told them he would (he told them, not me). I told him I needed 24 hours notice of when he was taking them otherwise no go. Surprise surprise that he is mad. He doesn't have any money how is he supposed to take them. He can't afford the babysitter he had (that was the fiance that broke up with him because one of the other woman contacted her and then she decided to reach out to me. OH JOY!). Yeah he doesn't know I know any of that. Still just the sitter.

I'm tired. The hatred is eating me alive. I want to fart in his general direction.

isitme24 posted 8/1/2015 19:04 PM

..........expletive deleted.

[This message edited by isitme24 at 7:41 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

luv2swim posted 8/8/2015 02:40 AM

Chippednotbroken wrote:

I'm tired. The hatred is eating me alive. I want to fart in his general direction.

Followed by Isitme revising and posting:

..........expletive deleted.

I gotta say, that pretty much sums up the phase when our dearest NPDs take off the mask, and reveal themselves. It just sucks!

Big time.

It does get better.
Hang in there tribe.

HurtingandLost posted 8/15/2015 11:54 AM

Question - my stbx is borderline with heavy narcissistic traits. Since we split I minimize contact, but even now two days before the divorce is final she can't go more than 12 hours at a time without calling or texting for some bullshit. She insists on saying we're going to get back together when the kids are older too. I have no ill will towards her but at the same time no use for her as she won't even spend time with the kids, and is already coming up short on her small portion of bills for her truck and cell (which are in my name). Says she can't take the kids becuase she has no money but has money to drive two hours each way twice a week to see "friends".

Will this shit stop at some point after the divorce is final? Or am I screwed becuase I hav e kids with her...

Kajem posted 8/15/2015 14:08 PM

Mine hasn't changed since his mask fell off in 2003. I don't know if they are capable of changing. Maybe it's more like playing a new (acting) role. In my xh's case, he might be a better father if he had a better mirror (ow). That's just my opinion.


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