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Newest Member: Col2gar6681

I Can Relate :
N P D Thread - Part 14

Topic is Sleeping.

TheRealDeal ( member #39560) posted at 8:36 PM on Thursday, January 7th, 2016

In a recent post somewhere on SI I mentioned I had been staying "for now" until I grew emotionally stronger. that strength arrived late last night.

I've had multiple D-days, truly so many I've lost count. I was never in R though I thought I was for a while. I don't know if he is Bi-, SA, NPD, a combination of all of them or something else entirely. I doubt if he knows, or whether he cares; he won't go for counseling.

He is actively engaged in his behaviors, all of, CL, phone, texting, in-person, and god only knows what else that I never uncovered. I'm sure there are hundreds of other people, geez, maybe thousands, over the years based on what I found in the past month alone.

My final curtain of denial came off last night and now I see the true him. That curtain kept me safe until I was strong enough to see; now I see.

He is a liar. A manipulator. He doesn't care about me; he cares about himself.

Last night it became clear I need to save myself. So that's what I will do.

Me (BS): 47 him (Xws): 55
together 18 years
DDay1, DDay2, Dday 3: March - June 2013
Dday4 + June 2015 through January 2016
Status: done I called it quits 1-6-2016
The hardest part of letting go is realizing there wasn't much left to hold on to

posts: 481   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2013   ·   location: Northeast
id 7442298

cantaccept ( member #37451) posted at 3:01 PM on Saturday, January 9th, 2016

Honestly the label, at least from my point of view is irrelevant. The consistent bad choices, hurtful behavior and lack of meaningful and consistent change says it all.

Truly believing what you see is so hard. I always interpreted his behavior through my lens. I would think of what would cause me to behave that way and how I would feel if I did what he did. That was wrong of me. I felt too much empathy and compassion for someone that was not worthy of it.

Now what is your plan? Do you have one?

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

posts: 3505   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2012   ·   location: Connecticut
id 7444019

TheRealDeal ( member #39560) posted at 11:48 AM on Tuesday, January 12th, 2016

we are no longer in contact since last Wednesday night.

we were not legally married but informally common-law since my state doesn't recognize common-law.

for many reasons thru the years I retained ownership of my own house. i am back there. a blessing in disguise

my circle of support has been slowly increasing over the months. I've found my spiritual side after a 30+ year absence and recently found a church that aligns with my spiritual side. they have a recovery workgroup held twice a month, and I started going. it is open to public and helpful

I had finally felt ready to say what I relly needed to say to him. my fear (co-dependent me) held me back for so long.

in addition to all my intensive IC and other forms of support, I found my voice. to quote from a book about dealing with narcissists..."we begin to take action because we get to a point where our fears of attack and rejection pale in the face of losing our soul. This is the leap of faith that builds our emotional strength, self-esteem and self-respect."

I recognize that I will want to contact him but that time hasn't arrived yet...working through a lot of anger right now. its better that way.

Me (BS): 47 him (Xws): 55
together 18 years
DDay1, DDay2, Dday 3: March - June 2013
Dday4 + June 2015 through January 2016
Status: done I called it quits 1-6-2016
The hardest part of letting go is realizing there wasn't much left to hold on to

posts: 481   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2013   ·   location: Northeast
id 7446410

Carealot ( member #47603) posted at 10:32 AM on Wednesday, January 20th, 2016


I breath in the pain and breath out the relief of pain and suffering for all of us who suffer these things.

Best of luck to you.

Me 56y/o BW
Him 56Y/O FWH BP
DDAY #2 4/13/15
TT DDay #3&4 4/20/15 and 4/21/15 EA from last July was actually a PA till Dec.2014.

posts: 258   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2015
id 7453826

TS68 ( member #40211) posted at 4:06 AM on Monday, January 25th, 2016

I cannot figure out how this forum works but I have to say these cluster b people really do some big time damage. I don't know how I'll ever be able to look back on this huge part of mylife with any kind of closure. The unanswered questions and red flags I missed throughout our entire marriage will haunt me forever.

Me: 48
Him: 50
Married 22 years too many
DS19, DS17, DD10

Know your worth.

posts: 1422   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2013   ·   location: Detroit, Michigan
id 7458684

5454real ( member #37455) posted at 8:11 PM on Wednesday, January 27th, 2016

Bump for someone

BH 58, WW 49
DS 31(Mine),SD 29,SS 28(Hers),DS 16 Ours, DGS 11, DGD 8, DGS 3
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
"I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone."
― Sophocle

posts: 5670   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2012   ·   location: midwest
id 7461532

sadandempty ( member #36710) posted at 5:03 AM on Sunday, January 31st, 2016

So, now that I understand that I'm dealing with a NPD sociopath, I document and record EVERYTHING. EXWH had a phone conversation where he says something so not ok to say to our youngest, I hang up the phone and end the conversation, call my lawyer, send her the recording. Today I recieved an email from him asking to talk to the kids on the phone, and stating that he was just talking about school in their last conversation and it was cut short??? So I email him back calling him out that it was cut short because of the inappropriate comments and that they were not talking about school. He then emails me back and says Im a liar and that's not at all what was said, and how we should record the conversations so I can't make things up??? It's gaslighting at its finest, and I'm so glad I now keep physical proof, other wise I'd go nuts! I didn't respond. How do any of you deal with this? I would just like to get feed back from others who understand NPD, how to deal with them and how to deal with them with the kids, and keep them safe?

Me BS 30's
Him EXNPDWH 30's
DDay 1- 2012
DDay 2- 2015

"For a minute there I lost myself"

posts: 165   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2012
id 7464782

Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 7:46 PM on Sunday, January 31st, 2016

Somebody in JFO recommended a youtube channel called narcissism survivor a while ago and they post wonderful information in the videos.

I visit that chanel every week and somehow I feel less alone and like someone understands me and my situation.

If anyone wants to look at it I think you will find a lot of help and a feeling of belonging with other people who have gone through situations with NPD.


dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7465108

isitme24 ( member #43463) posted at 1:27 AM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016

Wow. Oh. Wow. Oh. Wow!!! She's stalking my posts so that's all say. Exhale.

posts: 293   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 7467438

Itiswell2015 ( member #49813) posted at 6:10 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016

Finally i am here. I have been stalking this thread, instead of absorbing, i kept trying to convince myself that my SA isnt NPD. I cant continue in the denial. HE is one. I had confronted him yesterday when i saw he was once again searching prostitutes pictures on facebook, and he started laughing at me as i was talking/crying.

Right there i knew i couldnt continue with this trauma. I have asked him to leave an he has refused. I cant stay anymore and recieve the trauma, especially since he is jumping around the house happily like nothing happened. Will rather stay with my daughter in a hotel than be exposed to this.

I pray for strength, i know it would be hard. I am in muslim country, no family here. But i know its better to be alone than continue with all this narcissistic abuse.

Me: BS (41)Him: (42)Married 11 years,2 Daughters
dd1 04/11 claimed ONS
dd2 11/2014.Claimed ONS
dd3 09/15: found out more than 40 women/prostitutes.
dd4: 08/ 2017: saw old sextape from 2015 made before discovery
Dd5:11/2023: his

posts: 155   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2015   ·   location: united kingdom
id 7468039

betrayedanddazed ( new member #51061) posted at 10:19 AM on Sunday, April 10th, 2016

Hi everyone. I am trying to determine if my STBX is dealing with NPD. It sure seems like to me but need some of your opinions and if he is, ways to deal with him.

A little back story -- My H had an affair that became physical back in November. Claims it ended in January after I confronted him about putting internet in at OWs house in his name. Says they've had no contact. Thought things were going okay for a month afterwards (was false R). This is not the first time he has been caught talking inappropriately to other women throughout our 14.5 years together (9 married). It's like he craves the attention and the chase (maybe sex addict as he did have a porn problem). We haven't lived together since November (his choice. - he moved out on our wedding anniversary - way to stab someone) and he becomes more and more cold and distant and detached everyday. We have an 18 month old who he basically ignores, forgets when it's his weekend, and literally goes weeks without even asking me about him. Not sure how a father doesn't care about his kid.

He's recently unfriended me on all social media and lies about how he is getting rid of it and blah blah. So why unfriend me if you're getting rid of it!?

He also is one of the most selfish human beings ever, is never wrong, never to blame, always my fault. He has zero empathy too. He's trying to manipulate me throughout our DIY divorce that he is pushing to rush through (which I don't want and he uses that against me). He says he is "compromising" in the divorce because he is letting me have our house with the equity among other things. BS --- he may be giving in to that but only because he is getting the ultimate thing he wants which is a D.

He is truly a stranger and not the man I married. He does vindictive things that he knows will bother me (such as the social media stuff or waning to go to dinner as a family and him paying although I think it's more manipulation for me to do what he wants) and then tells me how ridiculous I am for even caring, it's his life and he can do what he wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone. I admit to being controlling in the past but I have since owned it and am getting help.bhe continues to try to use that I was controlling to control and manipulate me.

I really feel addicted to my H and that I can't break free of caring what he does or doesn't do. It's painful being like shit from a man you love and not being able to break free of how horrible they treat you and how non empathetic they are toward how you feel or how things affect you or your kids. All about him - always has been. He's also passive aggressive so he holds shit in until he blows up.

Oh, and he also is making this about his feelings only. He doesn't care how I feel in the process, how our son feels, as long as he gets what he wants Which is out. He continues to lie about literally everything! Lied and said he took a new job a few hours away from where we live but I don't believe him. He's trying to make me feel crazy I swear. He posted a picture to Instagram today of him face timing with our son that literally is months old. It's like he's trying to play it off to the world that he's an involved parent when in reality he is rarely around and makes no effort. It's like he doesn't even love or care for our son at all yet he is the one who pushed for us to have kids. He doesn't remember doing a lot of things he claims but I know they are just more lies.

Im trying NC but he NCs me too. He's a fridged, emotionless, piece of ice selfish jerk!! Advice?

[This message edited by betrayedanddazed at 4:45 AM, April 10th (Sunday)]

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2016
id 7525327

antlered ( member #46011) posted at 5:02 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2016

Individual Counseling with a professional who is experienced in Narcissistic personalities.

Can't emphasize this enough.

"Being cheated on was at once the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me.

"There is a huge amount of strength to be had from walking the path of integrity."

posts: 1297   ·   registered: Dec. 18th, 2014
id 7525477

WornDown ( member #37977) posted at 3:05 PM on Monday, April 11th, 2016

I don't know if hes NPD or just really immature/selfish.

But bottom line, don't do the DIY divorce with someone that is not being cooperative, or if you feel is trying to manipulate you. Get a lawyer, a good one.

They have the experience to deal with him. Let them do it.

Me: BH (50); exW (49): Way too many guys to count. Three kids (D, D, S, all >20)Together 25 years, married 18; Divorced (July 2015)

I divorced a narc. Separate everything. NC as much as humanly possible and absolutely no phone calls. - Ch

posts: 3359   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: Around the Block a few times
id 7526081

GotPlayed ( member #41294) posted at 6:04 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2016

But bottom line, don't do the DIY divorce with someone that is not being cooperative, or if you feel is trying to manipulate you. Get a lawyer, a good one.

This ^^

And furthermore, expect the manipulator to get extremely pissed at the fact that you got a lawyer. That's by design. It's another manipulation.

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH and healing. D final March 2016
Her: Doesn't matter anymore.
DS13 Severe SN. DD11 Awesome

posts: 1012   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2013   ·   location: California
id 7534231

dreamlife ( member #8142) posted at 8:23 PM on Monday, April 25th, 2016

Is there anyone else here estranged from their adult NPD daughter? Help!

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

"He called me a bitch.
I called him an ambulance."
Linda H.)

posts: 26209   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2005
id 7538732

reallystruggling ( member #23471) posted at 9:58 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2016


Please get yourself a good Lawyer. Quickly.

And also a good counselor. This shit is crazy-making

BS, multiple D Days
Divorced 2010
Struggling no longer :)

posts: 363   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2009
id 7583157

betrayedfriend ( member #19785) posted at 5:12 AM on Saturday, June 18th, 2016


Exact opposite here. I'm estranged from my NPD mother and brother.

I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

posts: 1023   ·   registered: Jun. 6th, 2008   ·   location: Midwest USA
id 7585195

Threnody ( member #1558) posted at 11:11 PM on Friday, July 1st, 2016

Bumping for someone.

“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

posts: 14329   ·   registered: Jun. 6th, 2003   ·   location: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
id 7596633

caregiver9000 ( member #28622) posted at 6:42 PM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2016

I don't know how many of the tribe still check in here... I have been very absent and I see this thread has slowed down considerably. I wish I thought that was because the NPDs of the world were quieter!

I wanted to pop in and say if anyone ever needs something please feel free to PM me or bump this thread until you get the attention you need. Anyone living in NPD hell should not feel alone or ignored.

And a special favor request. If any of the tribe are still about, keep an eye on TS68's posts. I don't know if her ex is NPD, but he is a special kind fuckwit and she could use the support from folks who won't wonder if she is crazy.

Be well tribe. And always be on the lookout for zebraducks!!!!

Me: fortysomething, independent, happy,
XH "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
two kids, teens. Old enough I am truly NO CONTACT w/ NPD zebraduck
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

posts: 7063   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2010   ·   location: a better place
id 7617370

meowmer ( new member #50633) posted at 7:49 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2016

i had a whirlwind of a relationship. thought he was my soul mate. couldn't understand why he didn't get basic things like empathy, honesty, respect, actions speak louder than words, etc... got pregnant. made it really hard to leave. stuck around longer than i should have. lots of grieving, torment, anxiety, depression...and of course the lying and infidelity. our baby boy is absurdly wonderful, so that's one good thing. going through divorce and custody now which is going to span into next year. anyways, the point is, i stumbled upon npd online and have had many, many 'aha' moments as i've continued my research. i recently bought "psychopath free" and so much of it is my story. but it's not 100%, that's to be expected i suppose. i'm just still doubting myself and my convictions despite how much all this new information has resonated with me. could he really be npd or psychopathic? it sounds so crazy. but it's crazy, too, that i'm doubting myself and doubting the validity of the body of material i've found in books an online before confidently being able to name him. am i just looking for validation and answers where there aren't any? am i forcing a narrative to make sense of things? why am i doubting the validity of everything i've read...surely there's got to be something to it all or why is there so much out there on it...


met 9/4/14
first date 1/11/15
married (no wedding) 9/4/15
dday nov 22, 2015
boyo born 2/4/16
separated 3/7/16
divorce still in the works...

posts: 31   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: alaska
id 7626105
Topic is Sleeping.
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