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Fear vs. reality

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BrokenDaisy posted 1/20/2014 06:01 AM

I can relate to so many of the fears and realities in here! I wanted to add one that hasn't been posted yet: Dealing with illness as a single parent.

Fear: with no help whatsoever (I moved far away to a place where I know basically no one to help me out) there is no way I will be able to take care of my son if he falls Ill or if I do.

Reality: soon after I moved my son got an awful stomach bug. As in truly horrible. He was puking for days and although it obviously wasn't fun, I managed to take care of everything by myself. All the cleaning (toddlers don't understand using a bucket or toilet yet....), the doctor visits, the care taking, the medicine giving, the staying up to monitor fever and heartbeat, the worrying, the loving, the hugs, keeping fluids in him (luckily still breastfed!) you name it. I had almost no sleep but I did it. And I dis it well. Finally he was getting better and being his happy self. I remember feeling so happy for conquering this huge fear. He was barely back on his feet when I inevitably got sick. Boy was it an awful bug!! Again no help so inbetween camping out at the toilet I still managed to clean, prepare meals, look after him. I didn't do it all perfectly and I was crying a lot! (I hate being sick) but we made it through it. Both of us. Stronger and closer for the experience. I felt strength because something I thought I'd never ever be able to juggle on my own - I did! We are capable of so much more than we believe.

griefandrelief posted 1/27/2014 14:06 PM

Great reading for those of us new to the idea of D. What's the worst that can happen? (If only I can remember that when I'm fearful!)

griefandrelief posted 1/27/2014 14:06 PM

Great reading for those of us new to the idea of D. What's the worst that can happen? (If only I can remember that when I'm fearful!)

Gottagetthrough posted 1/27/2014 18:55 PM

And THAT is how its done!

Good for you, P! So happy for you

candle1000 posted 1/27/2014 19:01 PM

I absolutely love this thread. I have read it from beginning to end a few times, it inspires me so much and provides hope in my dark moments.

My fear is never trusting again.
Never feeling that "in love" feeling again
Never truly feeling happy again
I fear this pain will last forever
I fear I will love him this much forever
I fear I will never love this deep again
I fear we will never reach a place where we can be civil and communicate (all by cold text at the moment with me initiating about practical things).
I fear I will be on my own forever!

I fear I could be right, my life is over and is just and existence .

griefandrelief posted 1/28/2014 00:00 AM

I actually used this to guide the first real conversation I had with my DD15 tonight. Making her say her fear helped to minimize it and its significance. It really helped.

myowndystopia posted 1/28/2014 01:57 AM

Just starting on the D process so I will just add my fears!

Fear- because I have not been the bill payer in the house- I fear that I will forget to pay something and I will be sitting in the dark with no water and no heat

Fear- when my daughter does visit her dad (ok so right now he is just across the hall but that will change) will he remind her to take her meds, get her up on time, keep her off FaceTime all night and buy her feminine products when needed

Fear - will I ever be able to retire? I had planned on retiring last school year but felt trouble a brewing.....

Fear- I will become a couch potato!

phmh posted 2/9/2014 12:17 PM

Bumping for new people in D/S.

Don't let fear stop you from making the best decision for you!

phmh posted 3/2/2014 17:16 PM

New faces and more discussion on fears = BUMP!

IrishLass518 posted 3/2/2014 17:42 PM

Okay here are more Fear/Reality that I wasn't able to share before:

Fear: That I would never be able to recover from the D.
Reality: Time moves forward and so do we. I not only recovered I continue to develop me.
Fear: That I would never stop loving him.
Reality: I finally accepted that I will love who he used to be and the time that we had together. He has made it very easy to not even like him anymore so not loving him? He made that easy on me.
Fear: That I would not be financially sound after D.
Reality: I am more financially sound than I thought I could be. I am not rich by any means but my bills are paid and my son is provided for. I also bought a new car.
Fear: I would not be able to be Father and Mother to a young boy.
Reality: These days it is pretty easy. There are boy scouts and we are helping to demo and renovate my sister's house. I like to camp, hunt, fish and shoot so he gets to do that with me and me with him . We both like to ride quads so I hope to buy a couple when we buy a house on property. We have also signed up to take home improvement classes for free at the Home Depot.
Fear: That my life was over along with my marriage. (In fact, I kinda vowed that it would be )
Reality: I had no clue but MY life was just beginning. I am far happier now than I ever thought possible.

Jennifer99 posted 3/2/2014 20:39 PM

Just read page one after the worst day ever.

Totally feel better!

I'm saving 2,3,4 for another day.

Maybe I'll have some to add some day.

I have lots of fears, no new realities yet.

I think this is now my all time fave post on SI.

How much of where we stay stuck is fear?

IWantDoOver posted 3/3/2014 11:55 AM


hitbyatruck posted 3/3/2014 20:31 PM

how did I miss this? Awesome post!

Jennifer99 posted 3/4/2014 09:40 AM

Just read page 2.

Big message from that page that I see as true already - I thought I was alone. I'm not. It is amazing how many people are checking on me, "happy to see me smiling and glowing", more friendly and open now.

WITH H I was isolated and didn't even know it.

Now it is he who is isolated to living in his online fantasy woman world.

myowndystopia posted 3/4/2014 10:01 AM

Thanks for bumping! I was able to do a one month check up on myself! I had only posted fears because I had just filed for D 4 days prior to posting. But today- I will add one reality!

Fear- I will become a couch potato!

Reality- I have reconnected with so many friends and some that were just acquaintances are now friends! I stay busy! I've also joined 2 meet-ups (all innocent! One for single women over 50 and one a gluten free dining club- I'm celiac). Haven't been to actual meet ups yet but one day I will!! So far- no couch potatoes here!!

Take2 posted 3/7/2014 20:56 PM


phmh posted 3/19/2014 18:47 PM

New faces = bump.

I know it's so, so scary. But things get so much better!

phmh posted 4/3/2014 19:06 PM

More new faces, including people posting about fear, so I'm bumping up again.

I never thought I would say this when I was going through the thick of things, but I can hardly even remember what my fears were anymore. In fact, it's almost getting hard to remember my 11 year marriage (and at the time, I thought I was so lucky to be married to such a great guy!)

All of my relationships (with friends, family, coworkers, myself) have gotten stronger. I am so much happier, I almost can't believe it. Life is amazing. I was so fearful, but leaving turned out to be the best thing I could have done.

I know you guys are scared of the unknown -- humans have evolved to have that fear. Even animals, once removed from an abusive situation, will mourn the life they had (I volunteer in animal rescue, and it breaks my heart to see these poor animals mourn their abusive former owners.)

You need to go through the pain. But, there is an amazing new life out there for you!!! Don't let fear stop you from a fabulous future!

phmh posted 4/7/2014 19:11 PM

Bumping up for hurtyetstrong.

ChinaCat posted 4/7/2014 21:51 PM

I printed this whole topic out and am keeping it with me everywhere!

Thank you SO SO much for sharing this!

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