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Fear vs. reality

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18

lym55 posted 5/8/2017 08:55 AM

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:06 PM, May 9th (Tuesday)]

sassylee posted 6/4/2017 13:47 PM

Bumping for Squid

[This message edited by sassylee at 1:48 PM, June 4th (Sunday)]

squid posted 6/4/2017 19:08 PM

Thank you, sassylee.

This is really where I'm at these days.

My WW really was/is a cornerstone in the knitty-gritty of our everyday happenings. I'm not sure how I would get along without her.

Part of our D talks is how she would be here everyday, helping out with the stuff she's more akin to doing. But that would be really confusing and conflicting for me too. Having the person that destroyed me, still in our lives doing the mundane, every stuff. And she WANTS to still be involved in that stuff. Doesn't want to give it up at all. WTF

sassylee posted 6/4/2017 21:14 PM

Squid - you'll learn to do what needs to be done...you'll figure it out. With your wife there, you don't need to figure it out. But really, what is it you think you can't learn? What if your wife died...what would you do? You'd figure it out! You'd screw up a few times and learn through those mistakes...

sassylee posted 6/4/2017 21:14 PM

Squid - you'll learn to do what needs to be done...you'll figure it out. With your wife there, you don't need to figure it out. But really, what is it you think you can't learn? What if your wife died...what would you do? You'd figure it out! You'd screw up a few times and learn through those mistakes...

phmh posted 6/4/2017 21:30 PM

My WW really was/is a cornerstone in the knitty-gritty of our everyday happenings. I'm not sure how I would get along without her.

Part of our D talks is how she would be here everyday, helping out with the stuff she's more akin to doing. But that would be really confusing and conflicting for me too. Having the person that destroyed me, still in our lives doing the mundane, every stuff. And she WANTS to still be involved in that stuff. Doesn't want to give it up at all. WTF

Having to do all the adult things was also one of my fears that I wrote about and then gave updates on.

You are smart, capable, and intelligent, and it's so empowering to figure these things out! Pretty much everything has videos on youtube, there is google, and internet forums. People love helping other people out. You probably even know some people IRL who would help -- my friend's husband installed my room air conditioner one year, another friend's husband (who is a handyman) joined me on my home inspection.

Definitely don't let her stay in your life after divorce to that degree. You will need your space to heal, and learning how to take care of things will help with your self-esteem. Plus, eventually you almost certainly will want to meet a new lady, and a healthy lady will run like crazy from a guy still so enmeshed with his ex.

You've got this. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems, and you will get through it!

Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/5/2017 00:19 AM

Update at 36 months after dday:

1.-I will never be in love again

Reality: I am very optimistic about having someone in my life and feeling attracted to a man again. It took me almost 3 years but I am healing, really healing.

2.-I will never forget our life together and how "happy" we were.

Reality: it was a boring life in which we only did what he wanted whenever he wanted and I was the puppet! Now I want life to surprise me in a bigger way and in good ways!

3.-I will continue feeling like I don't want anything to do with the world (a hermit).

Reality: new people has entered my life and I notice that my ex took a lot of space that now those people are starting to fill. They are fun and interesting!

4.-I will get old, fast and be alone .

Reality: i am still alone but have a lot of interests. I am starting to feel sexy again!

6.-I will miss him for the rest of my life.

Reality: I hate him more and more. He really is pathetic.

7.-Currently I don't want anything from life (not new friends, not a new lover, not to go out) I fret I will always be like this.

Reality: Infidelity is painful and in some cases it destroys people (like in my case) but it is possible to be happy and to have a good life again.

I am suprised about my new found happiness. I feel optimistic about the future.

Charlee posted 6/5/2017 05:17 AM

Thanks to the positives from ALL of your posts as it is helping ease my fears as I move closer to D.

Fear: How can I do this? How can I D the man I was going to grow old with, the man who I have given my last 42 years of life to?

Reality: I deserve better! He had a chance after Dday#1 but decided the COW/BAW was what he wanted, bringing about Dday#2.

Fears: All of what has been mentioned

Reality: I can do this! I WILL do this!

Lordemmy92 posted 6/5/2017 06:01 AM

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:15 AM, June 5th (Monday)]

Phoenix1 posted 6/7/2017 14:42 PM

bump

sassylee posted 6/10/2017 12:36 PM

Bumping for Trepidation

KarenDC posted 6/11/2017 18:15 PM

thank you for posting this, I really needed to read this today.

Phoenix1 posted 8/25/2017 13:09 PM

Bumping for Aquiestoy and other newbies to D/S.

Fablegirl posted 8/26/2017 16:10 PM

Fear: I will be erased because my marriage and our life together was my identity.
Reality: I am more vibrant than ever. I will always be the aunt to my nieces and nephews and the daughter in law my in laws loved. Just because he cheated and walked away doesn't diminish who I am or who in my family loves me.
Fear: I will never recover from this grief. It's too deep and raw.
Reality: Grief does change you for sure, but gradually you get stronger and then realize you will never feel as terrible as you did when it started. You never go back there.
Fear: I will be lonely all by myself in the house (and I live in a rural area).
Reality: Nope. Because grief made you strong and reach out and form bonds you never thought possible with friends. You learn to make a plan and avoid feeling alone. And then there are times when you love the silence in the house and the relief of not having him around and feeling that absence of love.
Fear: I don't exist because he doesn't love me anymore.
Reality: He doesn't exist because I don't love him anymore. I am someone else now, someone resilient and strong.

StrongerEverday posted 8/27/2017 11:05 AM

Thank you so much for this thread! Fear has been crippling at times and reading these posts has helped me so much! I feel like I'm in the middle right now. Some realities have overcome fears but I certainly have lots of fears left. I'm going to put mine in like everyone else so I can come back later and pat myself on the back!

Fear: I can't be without him. I have no identity if I'm not married to him.
Reality: It's actually the opposite. I lost myself when I was with him. In just one month of separation, I'm figuring out who I am!

Fear: I will be all alone, especially during holidays.
Reality: I'm rarely alone and when I am, it's because I need that time. My adult kids and friends have been rockstars!

Fear: He's going to screw me over with finances.
Reality: Who cares? After reading the success stories here, I know I'll be fine!

Fear: My kids will spend more time with him because he'll have the money to "buy" their love.
Reality: I can't predict the future, but so far my kids have shown me their love for me isn't based on what I do for them. Much deeper than that. I can trust their love more than I don't trust him.

Fear: I'm wrong to leave him. He really is as wonderful now as he's telling me he is.

Fear: I'll never know what it's like to find someone who loves me with a selfless love.

Fear: I won't be successful at this new career I've embarked on. I'm not smart enough.

Fear: I will feel rejected for the rest of my life.

Over and over, thank you for this thread!

phmh posted 9/29/2017 06:30 AM

Bumping up -- those of you in the early stages, things get so much better. Not sure how much solace that really is in early days, but my reality just keeps getting better than ever. You will get through this!!!

phmh posted 11/25/2017 10:29 AM

This hasn't been bumped up for a few months, so wanted to bump up for the newbies here. My D-Day was just about 6 years ago (yikes! time flies!) and my reality is so much more than I ever thought it could be. After a particularly wonderful last few months, I wanted to bump this up as encouragement for all of you who are where I was a few years back - in the pit of despair, self-pitying, and wondering if I could ever find happiness again.

You will find happiness and you will thrive post-divorce!!!

phmh posted 12/26/2017 20:10 PM

Bumping for thisfknsux, as I promised in her thread.

Thisfknsux posted 12/26/2017 20:50 PM

Thank you phmh. It was helpful to read these success stories and realize that I'm not alone in my fears. I'm going to add mine as well.

squid posted 1/4/2018 12:26 PM

Bumping just because I got here reading Sakinky's thread about walking away. I forgot I posted here.

Thanks, sassylee.

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