SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Holly

I am a BW.

I found out about a PA which lasted a few months. It then turned into a EA.

My point is I found out about the PA 16 yrs after the event.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life waiting for the axe to fall?

If my FWH had told me 16 yrs ago, well who knows what might have happened?

If you read my profile you will see he didn't tell me and you will see what DID happen.

He was unfaithful for most of our marriage. I am not suggesting that you will repeat what you did. But for me the devastation of knowing what he did back then is now overwhelming.

I truly believe that if your BH finds out what you did in 16 yrs time it will taint every day of your M in the future. In his mind he will then wonder "Who else has she been with? How many times? For how long?".

Because when you discover one lie anything else is seen to be possible.

Tell him!!!

Then send him here.

Good luck

Laura

There will NEVER be another cheat - this was a horrible experience and again - it is NOTHING I would have ever done if my head was clearer. I feel traumatized by all of it - every snippet that I recall makes me cringe - it was sheer awful. Also - please understand - I was not merely drunk - I was incredibly drunk AND stoned - and if it is different than being just drunk. You can get out of control, out of your head in such a way - I don't know how to properly explain it if you have never been there. I look back and see a crazy person in my shoes that night - I do not know her nor do I ever want to see her ever, ever again. This event has shaken me to the core - I am changed forever and my lifestyle is as well.

I will NEVER be going there again - and I think OM is a mortified as I am - he will not be coming back to coerce or BM me - he feels remorseful and shocked at what he did - the same way I do. And rightfully so!

I'm not going down the road of SA - I explored that as suggested - but no. I participated in too much and never said no - not until we were stopping and I said this was wrong - this was not meant to be and wrong. Then I stumbled off the hill we were on and fell down into the woods - that's how in control I was.

Not that this matters but it keeps getting brought up - but we did not leave together, no one passed by my home, no one could see us because of the way my property sits with no houses close and the thick growth, it was sometime around 3 in the morning and no one was out. The only way this sordid tale would be told is if OM or I tell it.

How do you tell your BS this? How do you begin? How do you tell them in a way that they NEED to hear it - rather than the way you will probably tell it? How will they react - what do you expect?

I guess the hardest part for me - is that if my spouse did this to me in the same way - a complete mistake that would never occur again - I am not sure I would want to know. No - I would def not want to know. It's something I have always felt about infidelity. Now if it's something more, something that happens more than once - a relationship - then yes, I would absolutely want to know. But this? Isn't this just more damage and unnecessary hurt?

The only way this sordid tale would be told is if OM or I tell it.

How do you know he won't tell it? Earlier you said there were rumors that he and his wife were swingers, and now you say he's as mortified as you are.

Don't put too much stock in knowing what's going on in the OM's head.

My fwh hid an A for 13 yrs. They both thought it would go to their graves. Neither one would ever do this again... One of them "slipped" to the wrong person and I found out.

I found out after he confessed another A and I can tell you his honesty was way easier to take than the 13 years of lies of ommission and finding out from a third party.

I wonder.too. if fwh had dealt honestly 13 yrs before, might he not have cheated again. He didnt think he would have. Thought he was safe burying the truth. He was wrong because without dealing with what inside allowed him to make such choices, he was still vulnerable.

Your remorse will speak volumes! You need to do this if you want any chance of saving your marriage. You say your marriage is at a tough spot - mine was too. Only through truth and honesty were we able to build our marriage into what it should be.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 8:07 AM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

I guess the hardest part for me - is that if my spouse did this to me in the same way - a complete mistake that would never occur again - I am not sure I would want to know. No - I would def not want to know. It's something I have always felt about infidelity. Now if it's something more, something that happens more than once - a relationship - then yes, I would absolutely want to know. But this? Isn't this just more damage and unnecessary hurt?

You are talking about what YOU would prefer instead of what really needs to be done.

You have come to a site where people have been in your shoes and are telling you the right way to go about fixing this.

Unnecessary hurt? Try explaining about unnecessary hurt when he finds out on his own.

You need to be honest about what happened while your BH was away.

If not..your marriage will be a farse up until it comes out..and that is exactly how he will see it and how he will see you.

I have a question...why was he at your house at that time of morning anyway when it was his anniversary?

You may not want to know,but you have no right to decide what your BH knows. He deserves to have the truth and decide what he wants to do with his life.

Please be careful of the idea that is was non-consenual because you were drunk. You have stated several times that OM was just as drunk. So if you believe he is guilty of sexual assault,so are you. The fact that you are a woman and he is a man doesnt make a difference.

Look around the site. You will be hard pressed to find just one BS who wished they wish they didnt know. The majority of those who would want to know is overwhelming.

Im sorry you're scared. Confessing such a thing has to be terrifying.

Please..take a look around on the General and the reconciliation forums...you will find many BS's who will tell you..it's not always the infidelity that ends/ruins the marriage...it's the lies.

(((((HGL))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:23 AM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

How do you tell your BS this? How do you begin? How do you tell them in a way that they NEED to hear it - rather than the way you will probably tell it? How will they react - what do you expect?

1. You make a time and place where it is safe for you to have this conversation. That means your son is taken care of somewhere else. Staying overnight with friends, family, or whatever - but safely out of the way. No distractions. Plenty of time for talking, crying, yelling, etc. with no obligations hanging over your heads.

2. You tell your BS that you need to tell him something that happened that you are ashamed of, embarassed by, horrified of, whatever the right words are to describe what you are feeling.

3. You tell him in a complete, factual, clear way what happened. FACTS. All of them. Period. This is what your BS NEEDS to hear. And he'll likely need to hear it again and again. And he'll ask even more questions. And then ask them again. And every single question he asks YOU MUST ANSWER completely and factually. Don't hedge anything. Don't minimize anything. Just don't do it. Anything short of the full God's honest truth is another betrayal.

4. You apologize. You tell him you want to repair the damage. You tell him what he means to you. What your marriage means to you.

5. You shut up and listen to him.

What can you expect from him? Horror. Outrage. Pain like you could never imagine. Crying. Yelling. Anger. Sobbing. Vomiting. Silence. Disbelief. Terrible language. Threats of divorce. Begging for you not to leave. Verbal lashing out and calling you a worthless piece of trash. (To be clear - I'm not calling you that. But I did call my WS that on dday).

In other words? You should expect anything and everything, which is to say that you can't prepare for what he may say or do. I suggest that you go read some of the posts in Just Found Out. Read and read. Get an idea of what the BS's experience when they find out. It's not pretty, but you really do need to do it.

And as awful as all that sounds? It simply has to be done, Holly. Your BS deserves to know what happened. He deserves to know the truth and to make his own choices. Don't rob him of that.

And I have to tell you - this doesn't mean your marriage is over. You need look no farther than the Reconciliation forum to see marriages that have survived AND THRIVED far FAR worse than this. But surviving and thriving can't happen if you try to keep this hidden.

(((((holly)))))

Protecting lies and secrets builds walls that prevent genuine emotional intimacy with your spouse.

For me, that was the very worst aspect of my husband's infidelities.

I felt the wall go up, and had no idea why. I spent years blaming myself, thinking that the seismic shift in my life was somehow due to something horribly wrong with me.

I could have gotten past the infidelities--truly. All the way up to the recent ones, I could have gotten past them.

It was his prioritization of the secret--things between him and other women from which I was purposely excluded---that ended my marriage.

Please don't tell yourself you're sparing him pain. He may not know what's wrong, but he'll know something has shifted enormously. You've stated this was life-changing for you. By extension, it will be life-changing for him---and he won't have a clue why.

How will you explain this to him? I'd strongly recommend the truth. It will take you a great deal farther, in your marriage, than secrets and lies.

He may well be devastated. It may well be a deal-breaker. But to rob him of his choices just adds another layer of betrayal and humiliation to the experience.

NIK is very wise. She has given you some great, tangible advice. I hope you heed it.

Solo is also right on the money. Remember that OLD A I found out about... for years I knew something was off. I could never put my finger on it. When I tried to talk to H, he minimized and pretty much told me I was crazy. Please dont do that to your H.

BS here, I hope you're okay with that.

You sound very upset and remorseful and I believe you really are.

I have two concerns:

1. What happens when OM is drunk the next time and tells one of the neighbor buddys what happened? Or his wife? Or tries again?

2. You've already broken NC. Can you stay NC with OM given the circumstances (neighbors, etc)?

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't tell your BH. I'm just worried it's not gone forever and he might find out. OTOH, I get the attraction of not telling of a drunken ONS when the odds of him finding out are miniscule.

No real guidance but just wanted to let you know I ( a BS) don't think what you're contemplating (not telling) is unreasonable in your specific circumstances.

Good luck.

[This message edited by sudra at 11:41 AM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

Holly,

I am a WS, and your story seems quite similar to mine -- two extremely drunken ONS, but separated by several years.

I haven't actually posted before (lurked for a while), but one thing in your post really struck me and I felt like I needed to speak to it.

This event has shaken me to the core - I am changed forever and my lifestyle is as well.

I told myself this exact thing after my first ONS, and I know that I truly believed it at the time. But time passes, and things may get back to what looks like "normal," and if you haven't actually done the hard work to look at yourself and your marriage and your "whys" then unfortunately, as I was, you will be vulnerable to this happening again.

After the second time, I confessed immediately to my wife, we started MC and IC, and I really began to look at the reasons I acted the way I did, the way I saw my marriage, and the things I needed to do to become a better person. It's hard work, and though I certainly would give anything to have come to where I/we are in our relationship via a different path, I am starting to feel good about myself and our marriage and what our future holds together.

Telling my wife about my infidelity was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, bar none, but I decided that I had taken actions to put our relationship in jeopardy, and I didn't have the right to deny her the opportunity to decide what the consequences of my actions were going to be -- to me, that would be like cheating on her twice. I wanted to save my marriage, and I felt like there was no way that I could do that alone -- marriage takes two people; people who are honest with each other and who care about one another and who love each other.

I could not have healed myself without her knowing about my ONS, and if I didn't heal myself, then I knew I was always going to be putting my wife and her feelings at risk. Knowing what I know now, if I had to do it all over again a million times, I would always choose to confess to my wife. It hurt her deeply, and I was quite sure that our marriage would end as soon as she found out, but it didn't. She has told me that my honesty is probably what saved me -- and that if it had come out years down the road from somewhere else, it wouldn't have been the actual, physical cheating that would have broken the deal, but it would have been the years of dishonesty and the failure to face my own inner problems.

I won't judge you whatever you decide. I can't tell you what is right for you, or how your situation will play out, but I can tell you what was right for me, and that so far, it seems to be working out far better than I ever imagined that it could when I was where you are now. Only you can decide what is right in your case, but do know that I understand how you are feeling right now; I know it seems like the world is falling in around you and that hurting your spouse will only make it worse. I've been there. But for me, it started to get better when I came to terms with the fact that I screwed up and that the situation was no longer in my hands. It started to get better when I came clean to the person I swore to always be honest with, and when I started doing the real work (IC, MC, Owning, Helping my spouse through it, Working on myself), and I know I personally couldn't have done all of that alone...

I know this is not the popular opinion on this site, but many years ago Dr. phil suggested that many waywards "come clean" to clear their conscience, not for the betrayed benefit. Thia causes me to sit on the fence. I can honestly say, if my FWH actions consisted of a ONS, and yes we live in a very small town (2500), and no one else knew I am not sure I would want to know. I am the BS, and this has been devastating for me, and we were pretty much separated (read profile if interested). I wish noone knew, including me. I don't feel you're blameshifting by telling what actions OM took or by stating your state of being. There are factors in all infidelities. If my FWJ was sober, none of this would have ever happen. Not an excuse, just a fact. If anything, I think it makes his remourse and regret even deeper.

Good luck.

After the party I ended up hanging out with a neighbor on my front porch with a joint (I was acting like a 20 year old - WTH was I thinking????) - and then we ended up on my lawn. He started kissing me, .....We got intimate on the lawn

Holly, you're brave to have laid out your story. It is a huge challenge to one's integrity to face one's actions and their repercussions, and you've taken a big step toward that.

Go the rest of the way: tell your BH. Please, do this for him. You believe that this will never come out; I have to say I don't. The truth floats; in addition, when more than one person knows about something, it's no longer a secret. In addition, YOU'LL always know, and though you may believe you'll never let it affect your relationship with your H, how can it not? How can keeping an enormous secret not impact the intimacy of the relationship you share? Remember Rev. Dimmesdale in The Scarlet Letter? Secrets eat you up from the inside.

You were on your front porch w/this neighborguy in a tight neighborhood, with impaired judgment (and by default, impaired senses...sight & hearing), and then got intimate on the LAWN. If someone didn't see then I'd be surprised; it also doesn't rule out that someone heard. At the very least there will be this odd discomfort between you and the neighborguy from henceforth....which you currently believe your BH will not be able to detect.

Here's the deal: stupid drunken/stoned betrayal is huge, but intentional cover-up when completely unimpaired is inexcusable. THAT is what is going to be the potentially insurmountable barrier to regaining trust when your BH finds out down the road. How will you explain that away? Think about it; put yourself in his shoes. You're covering your a$$ and keeping information from him to do so. You are keeping a secret with this neighborguy/OP, which is an ongoing betrayal. You aren't letting your BH make informed consent to continuing from this point forward, you are lying by omission every minute of every day. Do the right thing.

It might be helpful for you to write out everything you can recall in a narrative letter to give to your BH for him to read in your presence. That way, all the details are out there, and you can answer any questions he still has.

This will not be any easy task, not in the least. The right course of action rarely is easy, is it? Keep your betrayal limited to when you were in an impaired state, please don't make conscious decisions that compound the betrayal.

You do not have to tell your husband at all. Of course not. Now, you do realize the current steps you are taking to cover this up. But, please be aware that this is your future too, even with a firm resolve to never act so again.

So, when he asks how was your day, you can't exactly say you were pouring out your emotions on this site, can you? No, better to just blow him off. Remember, don't let him get too close or he might guess something is bothering you.

If he sees you withdrawn and lost and not really present, make sure you telll him nothing is wrong. Act like he is annoying you by asking. Or completely fake it. That is what it is going to take from now on.

If he tells you he loves you, are you going to believe it? Or are you going to think that it is because he doesn't know what you have done. Is that good enough for you?

And, now, who can you turn to? Probably the only other person in the whole world to talk to is the OM. Obviously, there is that betrayal bond thing there. You can be closer to him since you two are sharing a secret. And you have to trust him to never tell. But you can't trust your husband with the truth, huh?

Just keep your distance. If you run into the OM and his wife, fake it. It will erode any closeness and intimacy with your relationship with your husband. Slowly, but surely.

And if a few years down the road, the OM's wife finds out that he has been unfaithful possibly again and he recounts this event to her, and your husband finds out at that time, he will realize that he has been living with someone who has not been authentic for years. But, you think it is worth the risk, right?

Anyway, this is just my opinion, but you have to sacrifice your conscience somewhat to continue to carry on the cover up. And that isn't always better for a close relationship.

Again, thank you all for your comments and advice. Today has been hard - I have found myself in tears repeatedly - even as I read the forum today and types this out to you guys. I ventured out of the house for the first time since the incident - I was a basket of anxiety and nerves - worried that I would see OM - that his car was turning the corner. It feels like PTSD or something - its awful. The sick nauseous feeling I have inside reminds me of how I felt after I was molested by a 20 year old at the lake with family friends - I was around 8 I think. I called a therapist today who specializes in substance issues and relationships, etc - she is going to see me on Tuesday. I don't know if I can wait that long - but it's a step. My BH was laid off last week - I don't want to send him reeling just yet - I need a little more time before I can talk about this to him. But I don't think I can keep this secret. It's already too much and unbearable. Thank you all again for pushing me - I am trying.

IC is a step in the right direction. May you find peace again. Looking over your shoulder,paranoid, is no way to live. {{{{ }}}}

Wishing you and your husband the best. Please keep this forum posted and use it for your healing moving forward.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” ... Ambrose Redmoon.

Posting your story here took a lot of courage. Confessing takes a lot of courage. That's what's required to live an authentic life.

I do believe that you're heartsick over what you did and that you BELIEVE you'll never do it again. You're looking for insurance, right? Insurance that you won't hurt your H, that it will blow over, that it will never come out and therefore, won't hurt other people or yourself again.

But do you know what that insurance is? It's OWNING what we did. When you talk about it to your BH and you see how it affects him, combined with how it has impacted you, it's pretty freaking powerful. Seeing that devastation taught me a horrible but necessary lesson- nothing is worth ever putting us through that again. I'd rather take a bullet than cheat again.

You can get past it and heal and be happy again. My H had always said that he'd leave if I cheated. He didn't- we both committed ourselves to working through all the crap of the A and 8 years later, we're happy, healed and truly intimate with each other.

Your marriage is more important than fear. YOU are more important than this fear.

I've only read the first post on this thread, but this is what I think:

Tell him. Tell him yesterday. He deserves to know. And, if lots of time goes by and he finds out from someone else or you, you will have to live with him NEVER trusting you. Why? Because not only did you cross the line with some guy, but you were able to lie about it. That's one of the issues I have with my husband. He cheated, while smashed out of his mind. I know he wouldn't have done it if he was sober, but he did. What makes it worse, though, is that I found out about it 9 months later. I now feel like I was a joke those 9 months. That all those smiles, all those events, all those moments, are stupid. It's the lie. It's the lie and cover up that hurts worse, I think..., than the one night stand itself. Because I thought I knew him better. I never thought he'd be able to just look into my eyes and hide something like that. Now I question every thing he has said, is saying...because I know he has the ability to lie, to keep a massive secret.

Don't be a secret keeper. Be a truth teller. And then work on moving forward. It's the only way.

Hi everyone! Well D-Day was yesterday. I wasn't planning it - the timing wasn't ideal. I went to tell him that my "doctor appt" that he knew about wasn't for the kind of doctor he thought - it was for a counselor. He wanted to know for what - and I told him substance abuse and the tears started. He was all "What??? Why??? YOU don't have a substance abuse problem! Baby! Come here - come talk to me!" So we sat down on our bed, closed the door, and it all came tumbling out.

This won't be popular - and I am hesitant to even post this - but he wasn't angry, he wasn't even really hurt. I explained to him what happened - he stopped me short of explicit details. He didn't WANT them - he told me that was on me to carry that burden and it wasn't fair to him to pull him into that. He knows the facts - I was 100% honest. He sees it as the drug / alcohol induced mistake that it was. There was no premeditated intent, this is not an "affair", there is no relationship, this was not wanted, there is ZERO attraction, this will not EVER be happening again, I am completely remorseful and I clearly regret my behavior completely. I was out of my head drunk and stoned and was incapacitated beyond proper judgement - and he believes and understands me. I have gone back to him several times, asking if he has more questions, why isn't he angrier, I don't deserve him to be so kind about all of this. He keeps telling me it that he understands - it was a MISTAKE - it won't happen again, this will bring us even closer in our marriage, etc. He thanked me for telling him - I apologized for it not being sooner - he said "it's only been a couple of days!" He said that if I didn't want to talk about it ever again - that was ok - and if I felt like I needed professional help for the substance thing he would support me 100% - that was up to me. He was concerned about whether or not this was a criminal issue of non consent - I told him no- that it wasn't - and I really want to keep OW out of this (God knows she probably will not react the same as my spouse).

I do not know how i got this wonderful wonderful man - but dammit I am holding onto him for dear life! A giant horrible weight has been lifted off my chest - the lies WERE killing me. I am not "absolved" - I live with my shame and guilt everyday - but my husband is holding my hand, touching and loving me, and standing by my side. I love him so much - and I stand by his side sober and committed.

Thank you again for the support and the push for honesty. BH was so surprised I was scared to tell him - he said never feel that way.