SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So you called OM today. So Much for NC. You have put your need to cover your ass first.

please stop blaming the state of your M for you ONS. plenty of people have M problems. That isn't an excuse for an A or a ONS. The reasons you allowed this to happen are within yourself and no where else.

So your BH won't think it's weird that you don't party anymore? That you don't hang with this couple anymore? Do you want to live on eggshells? You are already a mess. What do you think covering up this guilt will do to your M?

I am certainly NOT blaming the state of my marriage on this ONS - I was only coming to terms with perhaps where my emotions were this weekend - is certainly is no excuse. But thank you for the browbeating.

And we never "hung out" with this couple. They live in our neighborhood - we know them from neighborhood socially. Not "hanging out" with them is normal.

And never drinking again? Well I was sick for 2 days afterwards and showed clear signs of alcohol poisoning. I think it goes without saying that I have had enough drinking - even understandable that would be a permanent decision.

I was not trying to cover my ass - I wanted more than anything to know what his wife knew. I seriously am devastated that this could get back to his wife. I won't get into the reasons why - but this lady has had enough heartbreak in her life.

I do not know what to say about consent. I cannot even express how out of control inebriated I was. Would I have been with this person sober - or hell, even less inebriated? Hell no!! But I am not going to use that as a crutch - as I am certain I would get slammed for that on this site. Someone mentioned the word "seduced" and yes, that struck a chord - I do feel that way - but by using that term it shifts blame and I am too upset and yes, def HORRIFIED about what happened - I refuse to shift blame. The morning after the ONS, I woke up the first words out of my mouth were "NOOOOO!!!" and sobbed - I just wanted to die. I truly hate myself right now.

I think the root of this is honestly? The attention, the flattery, the lack of sex in my marriage, the promises of physical fulfillment in ways my BS doesn't offer me

Sorry but how else am I to interpret your words here?

look, I understand because I have been there. My A started with a drunken ONS. I try to bury it. trying to save you from the same self -destruction. But you can take my advice or leave it. I guess you are too raw and in shock right now to work through the issues that led you here.

I really don't know if I can buy that you called the OM out of empathy for his wife.

I'm sorry you are hurting. it is awful to face reality. But it happened. You have a choice now how to live, honestly, or with a dark secret.

But I am not going to use that as a crutch - as I am certain I would get slammed for that on this site. Someone mentioned the word "seduced" and yes, that struck a chord - I do feel that way - but by using that term it shifts blame and I am too upset and yes, def HORRIFIED about what happened - I refuse to shift blame.

Google alcohol and consent. There are differing opinions.

You would not be the first WS to pass through here who is immediately horrified by what happened, disgusted by the notion of it, not sure how you let it happen, and blaming yourself even as you try to figure out how that choice even got made.

From what you've said here, you just don't strike me as someone who did what you wanted to, and regretted it the next day. You sound like someone who would not have consented if you were capable of consent.

Well I was sick for 2 days afterwards and showed clear signs of alcohol poisoning.

Have you ever had a hangover like this before? Is it possible you we slipped something else with the alcohol? It's not blameshifting to consider this possibility.

you enjoyed the attention "in the moment"... that reads as consent to me.

This is no more consent than wearing a short skirt would have been. There is a big line between enjoying attention, and going at it on the lawn.

Did you share part of the joint as well or did he just smoke it? This may have contributed as well.

I was in no way implying that she asked for it (short skirt comment).

She either had a drunken ONS like so many ws here... or she was the victim of a crime. Neither one should be kept silent.

If you believe you were raped dont let the guy get away with it. If it was a drunken ONS, then own it. BOTH scenerios demand your husbands involvement.

I was the victim of sexual harrassment that included unwanted touching. My IC said not telling my dh could be construed (should it go to court) as willing participation because they could twist it that I was hiding a "relationship" from him.

Sorry for the t/j. But I wonder if this was coming from the OM "I was so drunk..." would he be given a pass here?

I can only imagine your horror once daylight hit that event and the alcohol fuzz listed.

As far as being drunk, (and I have always held myself to this truth as well) people say oh I would never have done that had I not been drunk - but the way I see it - being drunk and doing it means it's something you wanted to do but didn't have the kahounas to do it sober.

Having said that.....

You admit to liking the attention - that's human especially if your marriage is lacking or rocky (I've been pretty much sexless for the last nine months, I lock myself in my house to avoid that very thing, not kidding)

This however doesn't imply consent to sex - and really? I've been that drunk - I've been so drunk I didn't have a clue about what I did the night before.....

I'm not saying it's a cop out - I'm just saying it's a factor.

It doesn't matter how you dress or how you flirt back or hell even if you kiss someone - it doesn't give anyone the right to take advantage of you.

I think you can admit that had you been sober, you'd most likely made better choices.

Please do read my previous post - been there done that. Please keep coming back for support, I suspect you may need it.

Alcohol influenced her decision. But it didn't make her do anything. I think most people have done things while drunk that they wouldn't do sober. You have to accept responsibility. I've been drunk and its only loosened my inhibitions. It hasn't made me a person with no free will or no self-control.

To say it was rape or sexual assault is not really warranted based off what the OP said.

Both of them were drunk. The OM has as much a claim to rape as the original poster. She talked about him trying and failing to have sex because of performance. That does not sound like rape. You can have a sexual encounter you regret and it not be rape. Just my opinion but I think it is a very dangerous road to go down. You can ruin your reputation with a false allegation and destroy another man's life, who even if he was the OM doesn't deserve that.

I think its up to you whether to say or not to say. I think with something like that you have to weigh the risk of your partner finding out. If you had your ONS at a party with friends and did it with a mutual friend the chances of it coming out are high. Its in your best interest to control it and admit. If it was a stranger you would have more options. I don't necessarily subscribe to honesty is the best policy in all cases but in your specific case I think honesty is the best option.

[This message edited by whatnow999 at 8:59 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

You remember alot of details for someone so intoxicated.

Can we please remember that the original person who posted here is hurting? It doesn't matter what we believe happened, she's frightened and confused and deserves a little compassion.

I am a firm believer in honesty being the only policy. I don't believe that lying, even by omission, is ever the best choice.

Given that this was a neighbourhood party and people you and OM know saw you there ... You need to assume that someone else knows and will tell the respective BSs at some point. You need to tell your BH before someone else does.

Google alcohol and consent. There are differing opinions.

You would not be the first WS to pass through here who is immediately horrified by what happened, disgusted by the notion of it, not sure how you let it happen, and blaming yourself even as you try to figure out how that choice even got made.

From what you've said here, you just don't strike me as someone who did what you wanted to, and regretted it the next day. You sound like someone who would not have consented if you were capable of consent.

I REALLY appreciate what you wrote - and I Googled what you suggested - and if I am going to be 100% honest and going by the non consent scenarios given on those sites, then yes, this incident could possibly be considered sexual assault.

One in particular seems like a good analogy:

Let's think about all that for a minute, and play nonconsent out in some other contexts.

• You're making dinner for someone, your favorite spaghetti sauce, which you’re intensely proud of. But as it turns out, they are allergic to tomatoes. You ask them if they’re sure, and they assure you they are. You suggest maybe it’s different with your sauce somehow. They say, again, that they’re pretty sure they’re still going to be allergic. But you worked al day on the sauce, feel like they at least owe you one spoonful to see how great it is, so you ladle it unto their plate anyway, and in time, your nagging gets to tiresome that they go ahead and take a spoonful, even knowing they’re likely to feel sick very shortly.

There was another list with several dings:

There is NO CONSENT when:

I really don't know what to say. I'm just so sick over all of this. I did not consider this possibility - I was too busy blaming myself, what-ifs. I am REALLY confused.

Can we please remember that the original person who posted here is hurting? It doesn't matter what we believe happened, she's frightened and confused and deserves a little compassion.

Can we keep this in mind? It's VERY early in the process and none of us micro processed this at the speed of light

holly,

I can see you're really struggling with this. I'm not sure you understand, yet, how HUGE this is. He's your neighbor. It's not just going to go away. It happened. Now, how you handle it is what is important. If you try to keep this to yourself, it will eat at you every minute of every day. I can see the remorse in your words, the disgust with your actions, so I know that it would. You compromised your integrity once, don't make it a daily habit.

Rape is a serious accusation. No where in your original post did you claim rape, only regret. No where did you state penetration did not happen because you were unwilling, it was lack of erection.

I empathize with your horror of your actions. Please ensure that you are certain it was rape, not regret before you start that ball rolling.

Posting as a member:

In my case the OM was a predator who had groomed other married women to cheat with him. (He was single.) It's a despicable thing for him to have done but it in no way excuses my choices.

Nobody here is browbeating you. You came to a public forum and asked our opinions. We're giving them. You won't like what some of us have to say.

I think you're grasping at anything to make this go away or make your choices NOT your choices, but instead make them coercion. You both did a shitty thing. And I agree- whether it was assault or a ONS, you owe your husband honesty.

I agree with Fallen. You were both drunk. Remember, sexual assault works both ways in most states, meaning that he can make the same claim. IMO, this is a very dangerous path to go down, given what you've already told us. You are looking to shift the blame for an action that you chose. This is no different than the myriad of excuses that other WSs give. Based on my experiences and numerous postings on the SI forum, WSs who do not own their choices and who blame others are more likely to cheat again. Be honest with yourself and with your spouse, not because you might be caught, but because IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Healing2012...

Everyone has been within the guidelines of this forum and has shown nothing but support and guidenece for Holly.

And everyone...lets keep in mind that nowhere did Holly even *mention* rape. It was a drunken ONS...General is littered with them from female BS's and no one ever says their husbands must have been raped.

Also, Holly has posted more then once that the OM couldn't even keep an erection...I'm not sure rolling around on the lawn warrants the rape comments.

Stay on topic please.

Hi Holly -- My take on this is that you maybe said to much about your marriage being in trouble and this man (or other people) heard this and knew you were very vulnerable. I am not sticking up for what you did -- I think your husband needs to know -- for a few reasons. One, the truth always comes out and you have no idea who saw the two of you. Better you tell him then someone else. Second -- this man knows what happened and may try again -- even blackmail you to take up with him. Third -- this is how affairs start. Fourth -- your marriage is in deep trouble already and by telling your husband, thismay wake you both up to fix your marriage. I would also be up front with the OMW -- even if they are swingers and watch her response. I guess I am being suspicious -- but she probably knew what was going on since it was her 11th anniversary and her husband was missing -- unless she was with someone else why this all went down. Good luck !!

Holly...

I am so sorry that you have had this experience.

I found out about my husband's infidelity 5 years ago. I found out. He didn't tell me himself. Then he lied about it, and once it was undenyable, he minimized it.

I wanted to share with you that we still struggle with this - in a big way.

I TRULY believe that I would not have been half as devastated if he had come to me with honestly with the situation and had been as apologetic as you have been in your post.

I agree that there are many things about infidelity that you will be learning - things that go beyond just "I did something horrible." (that's what the healing library is for)

But your regret is a start.

I agree that there are many reasons to 'come clean'. But first and foremost is to help save your husband from any fraction of the hurt you have caused.

Please don't trust the man you were with. You can't count on his regret based on yours. And from the perspective of a betrayed wife, it will be hard for your husband to accept that your continued contact with him is not an attempt to continue the situation. No matter your true intentions.

The liklihood of this 'secret' being exposed is SO great. But that isn't the reason to tell your husband.

You should think about telling him because - in my humble opinion - his feelings and his healing should be upmost in your mind. If I had that, and from the first, we would be years farther down the road with our healing than we are now.

I wish you clarity about your situation. I humbly suggust to you that you do not make your actions on the lawn be the first in a list of bad choices.

Now comes the hard part - living with and trying to figure out how to deal with and heal from what you regret. If your wish is to stay in the marriage, it would be prudent to work on it together - rather than on your own.

Best wishes to you.