SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To the last couple of posters: I am SO GLAD you are such a great infidelity detective when your assumptions truly have so many things wrong. I am not even going to give you the dignity of replying your blow by blow BS - but you certainly proved me correct for debating even coming back here to tell you all that I did indeed tell my BH and we were working on things - I thought there was genuine concern. Somehow I just KNEW I would get analyzed to death without you having all the details (and WHY do I have to prove my honesty make a public forum over and over? I'm not married to you!) - I KNEW you would tell me I was doing it wrong - and I KNEW I was going to get beat up even still. I thought this place was supposed to be supportive - and for the most part people WERE supportive. But these last couple of posts are offensive, you're calling me a liar, you are telling me I'm TTg, telling me that I apparently really AM attracted to this OM, saying I wasn't blacking out (really? Did'nt know you were THERE and had all the facts of the night) and apparently remember too much to be telling the truth - this is all such bullshit and I am being treated pretty badly here - and you know what? Think whatever you want - apparently that helps you feel better by dragging down others to places they are not. I have NOTHING to prove to this forum. I was 10000% honest - yes I was reeling at the beginning - grasping at WHY despite not knowing - and YES I did have to put pieces together (I'm sure that NEVER happens around here) and I still AM - there are huge chunks of that night I have no idea of things that happened or how I got there. But please - have a great time copying and pasting to your hearts content in order to do you detective deductions and essentially call me a filthy slut who wanted a flaccid dick and wanted to ruin marriages. Your implications are disgusting - good luck with YOUR OWN marriage.

Hey Holly,

Bravo for telling - something I had to have someone else do for me to open the door. That's huge.

Every couple deals with things differently - there is no set path in stone for this lovely infidelity thing. Hubby may or may not have feelings down the line - just be open minded to what may occur so it won't knock you off kilter. (Myself and most of my children have autisic spectrum disorders, just saying we can be a bit odd at times....).

Forums are like real life, you are not going to click with everyone - but that doesn't mean you should throw the baby out with the bath water. Two people can say the exact same thing in two ways and one is received easily and the other not so much. It happens, it's a fact of life.

I am proud that you told. When it comes to things like this I understand because I've been date raped (not even drunk) too many times to count because of a life style I choose to live. It's a complicated issue that a million people can point to and say you were not raped because <insert reason>. I had no boundaries, substance abuse issues, etc. These are things you can explore in IC in a safe place - yours may only rear a head rarely, but you'll be happier with out them.

Thanks for sharing.

Thank you, smokenfire - I appreciate your post greatly. I do plan on doing the IC - and I am prepared for BS to change and evolve in how he feels about all of this. I am completely open with him - there is no hiding. And yes - I will be needing to confront the situation I placed myself in while in IC - and I will be - I need that safe place to talk out the details. Thank you for your kindness and support.

OK.. ENOUGH OF THIS.

Holly, you are going to get a wide variety of opinions on a message board. You have received some very supportive responses and I suggest you focus on those. If you have a problem with a post or poster, contact a mod. We don't slug it out on the forums here. We need this to be a healing space for everyone.

TO THE REST OF YOU.. Please consider that you are about to run off a brand new member with your "help". And that IS NOT WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR. If you can't post without venom, stay off the thread. It's as simple as that.

The fighting stops here.

Hang in there Holly!

We all have our on experiences and perspectives so only we can truly know ourselves.

This is a GREAT forum overall.

No one always agrees with ALL the advice given on this forum from all the posters, I certainly do not! However, it is the ONLY resource I have found in my personal 24 month journey thru the jungle of infidelity that has real people pouring out their real experiences. SI isn't sponsored by some group trying to sell something or promote a narrow philosophy.

You sound upset and that's okay, all of us need people in our lives that tell us their heartfelt perspective.

In one sense this IS a public site, there are members here from all over the world. But it is also very private, everyone on here uses anonymous names (confession, my real name is NOT whatlysbeneath!!). This allows us to share ALL the details of our experiences without harming the innocent adults and children that are always collateral damage in As.

I referred to my experience as traveling thru a jungle. You have found the path out and made remarkable progress in a very short amount of time! You have received some wise advice on what to expect to find on the jungle path ahead from some very caring SI veterans.

I, along with thousands of others on SI, are cheering you on!!

We simply care enough to tell you the truth as we know it.

Holly,

I was very glad to see that you had told your BH as well.

Coming to grips with the fact that we are someone that could have done what we did is very difficult. I know. I had to do that with myself. Dealing with the fact that I betrayed myself was the hardest thing I had to do. I think you will probably find that as well. I think that is probably why everyone is so concerned that you stick with IC. It is out of concern for you. And your BH as well.

I was a BS before I became a wayward, and I rugswept what my H did for 16 yrs. Long time to do that. And when the anger hit it hit hard. So I think everyone here is just trying to give a heads up that people can do funny things where this stuff is concerned. I think your H is wanting to maybe not feel any bad things right now and maybe he won't want to feel any of those things for a long time.

In the mean time you have time to look at yourself, and this is no easy task, believe me. I think it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But in the long run, it was the best thing I did for me. So I hope you don't get discouraged by what other's are trying to say to you. It does come from a place of real concern. After all, we have all walked this road you find yourself on. It is not an easy road. We would like to help you find your way and maybe make it easier for you. Not harder.

Holly, as the others have said, take what you need and leave the rest.

My husband didn't want details either. He just didn't. He said he knew what adults did together in bed and if he knew, he'd have a harder time healing. So rather than force him to hear what he didn't want to know, I didn't tell him. If he had asked later, I'd have answered, but he knew what he needed.

Every couple is different, and while many aspects of betrayal and wayward behavior are similar, your experience is unique to you, as is your healing. Hang in there- and keep doing what you're doing!

Holly

First, good job on telling your BH. It was the right thing to do. I am sure you were scared. Your BH had a positive reaction, which is good.

I wonder if you feel like you dodged a bullet?

From what I have seen on this board, there is a lot of initial shock for a BS. Then other feelings start to come out later once those are processed. Your BH loves you and he may have gone into "papa bear protect" mode.

Later on, even months from now, he may start asking more questions, he may be angry with you. That is why you need to work on the tools to be able to cope. That, and most importantly, for you.

This was a life changing event for you both. If you can continue to face it head on, you will be better for it. This may take years to heal from.

Holly, I wish I had come clean and learned what I learned years ago. You have a wonderful opportunity now, whether in IC or here on SI, or both. There are many great "self-help" books out there on all sorts of issues.

I guess what I am asking you is to really process this. To allow it to hurt so you can understand how it happened. Each of us had issues that led us to cross the boundaries we did. Can you navel-gaze for a while and try to identify your issues?

It is painful for all of us to admit and face weaknesses and even bad things inside us. But we try, and try to be better people.

From my perspective, the journey to "fix me" began with Infidelity. But along the way, I began to heal and fix more things about me. For example, I am still impatient, but not as much. I am still demanding, but more understanding.

Holly, you can get through this. But please don't rugsweep. Keep looking at yourself and your behavior. The "why" even for a ONS, goes a lot deeper.

I would also encourage you and your BH to let the BW know. She deserves the truth as well.

I appreciate the advice and comments - and I got a little heated yesterday because it was a HARD HARD day for me. I was in tears by the end of the day. I found it extremely insulting to come here to the constant barrage of TTg, not soul-searching this, rug sweeping, and feeling absolved of this. My every day is an absolute struggle. My life has been turned UPSIDE DOWN. My entire lifestyle has been completely changed - I am an EXTREMELY social person. I have drank almost daily for more years than I care to say. I adore wine and a lot of my life has been centered around it - trips to Napa, fine wine shops, wine and dinner parties with close friends. I am on day 7 of sobriety - I dreamed of wine and love last night - not a nice thing. I found out yesterday my SIL wants to take me and BH to Vegas for my 40th birthday. Guess what? I can't go!!!! How humiliating! I know I can't bear to be around the booze and the partying - nor am I ready to explain off why I can't have just one little drink. I don't even want to put myself there. I have ruined so much of my life in one evening, in one drunken, stoned stupid, act. I am digging deep within myself - owning who I had become, why I got to where I was. But this is early, people. I am a week into this. Please know - I am working hard on this. But please be supportive - I cannot keep coming back to all of the doubts everyone seems to be placing on me - I feel like it is really unjust and it is not helping. I am working on this and this shit is HARD.

Instead of viewing it as the night you almost ruined your life, it could very well have been the wake-up call you so desperately needed.

You might want to consider addressing your drinking issue. There are many programs out there.

Holly, you have faced much to date, and have much further to go. It isn't easy to face ones demons head on. You have taken the most important step- the first one.

SI, is a great place to challenge ourselves, WS and BS alike.

First {{{{{Holly}}}}}

Dealing with alcohol issues along with the ONS issues must be daunting. I know you said you cant financially commit to IC at this time, but what about seeking out help from AA? Its anonymous, free and might give you some very beneficial in-person support.

Holly -- since your SIL wants to do something nice for your 40th -- and Vegas is out -- and I understand why -- why don't you tell her what you want to do. Maybe a trip to a city/state you always wanted to go -- some theme parks/exhibits/museums etc. If it suppose to be a surprise -- tell your husband to tell her that Vegas is a no go for reasons he will not discuss -- but have him give her a few options. Just because you are sober -- shouldn't mean you can't have fun. AA also mentioned would be a great start for you to get help till you can get to IC. Just some thoughts here !!

I found it extremely insulting to come here to the constant barrage of TTg, not soul-searching this, rug sweeping, and feeling absolved of this. My every day is an absolute struggle. My life has been turned UPSIDE DOWN. My entire lifestyle has been completely changed - I am an EXTREMELY social person

Yeah, it sucks. Just try to remember that most people here issuing warnings of tt and rug sweeping to you are doing so because they recognise theyre own stories and experiences in your story. Personally, I know I made mistakes that co st my BH dearly and I would o anything to try and prevent there's from gng through that.

I'm sorry to be harsh but your above post is all about you and your hurt and your pain. Bu you mad the choices that led to this pain. It doesn't men it doesn't hurt you, but just maybe you need to start thinking about how much this affects your BH. How much has it hurt him, how much has it destroyed his life and turned his life upside down.

You knew you were turning your life upside down, he did not.

I'm sure you a extremely social,and you still can be with or without the alcohol.

Well done on the sobriety but I can't help but feel your post reads a little of the woe is me type to me. Continue to seek help, and try to feel how your actions affect your BH, rather than how your life has been so destroyed.

My posts are NEVER enough around here - if I'm not giving sordid details about the exact events - I'm TT'g and rug sweeping. If I try to give some details and clarification - I clearly remember too much and wasn't that drunk. If I am not going into how I am feeling then I am not soul searching. If I share how I am feeling then I am not thinking enough about my BH. Enough is enough already - I think I am done. I am not going to continue to come here to get pulled 42 different ways and each post picked apart about how I am doing this wrong. Thanks for the advice - and the support from those that it came from. But I honestly think at this point this forum is hurting more than helping.

We all slip up sometimes in different ways, you've been trying to put things right and that is all any of us can do!

Holly, it hurts to feel like you can't do anything right, but trust me on this... take a deep breath and say to yourself, "take what you need and leave the rest..."

Not everyone is going to offer the exact kind of support you need, but everyone who's posted to you does care about you and your situation. They are offering advice from their perspective. It might help or it might not, but don't If it's not helpful, let it roll off you.