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I am glad it went well. Just watch your husband closely that he doesn't start to change -- pulling back from you. Some spouses want to know all the details -- some don't care. Since you were truthful and this was the 1st and only time that something almost happened -- I hope you both move on past this. I think it is wise you are going to a counselor -- working on you will make you whole == and also will help your marriage. May you both live a long, happy and prosperous life together.

Good for you for telling him. You broke down the wall before it was even started.

How did your meeting with the IC go?

Thank goodness. It is very relieving to see something go right in the world.

Can you imagine carrying that around with you the rest of your life instead of what you did yesterday?

One word of caution...it is an unpredictable whirlwind to be a betrayed spouse. The first stages are filled with desperately wanting to fix your marriage. He may not want details now but may well want them all later and ask a million times over. I didn't experience anger for months (until I felt safe that my wife wasn't going to leave). You may have avoided A LOT by taking the approach that you did. He may never ask. But I suggest you stay here for a while and now transition to learning how to help your spouse heal from your affair. It's called the rollercoaster. Enjoy the high he is on now but BE PREPARED for the lows. Answer all questions with complete honesty and non-defensiveness.

Otherwise, I am thrilled for you. I suspect your post is going to help carry a lot of us through our day today. Congrats on doing the right thing and thank your forgiving husband everyday.

Way to go Holly!!!

Honesty and transparency will continue to strengthen you and your M!!

Like many BSs on here that continue to try to R with TT, your courage gives me hope that my WW will one day realize the necessity of total honesty.

As others have posted, your BS may still experience the A roller coaster in the days and weeks ahead. Your positive actions will help enormously but this may still occur on some level.

I believe the OMs BW must be told of her Hs actions, sooner is so much better than later. You post that she is a great person, she deserves the respect of being told of her Hs conduct. Even if its true as her H told you (remember cheaters lie!) that they have something of an open marriage, I find it very difficult to believe an open M would Ok a drunken sexual liaison with a neighbors wife on their anniversary!!

Odd that you have been around both of them a lot and never before the night of the ONS picked up on them having an open M!

Also, I truly believe you are working toward owning 100% of the affair,but you noted in your last post "this was not an affair". Very gently, yes it was an affair, it doesn't have to be carefully planned or long term to be an A, ONSs

are definitely As.

Thank you for what you did in voluntarily disclosing this to your H. As others posted, you have lifted many spirits today by your wonderful actions!!! You said your H is a wonderful man, I think he is pretty fortunate to have you as well.

Well done for facing your fears, and being your true self. Your confession mitigated so much damage had your husband found out on his own. You trusted him. That is HUGE.

I wish you well on your journey. Keep your inner light shining bright, it will serve you well in the dark places you will have to venture.

I think the fact that you told him says a lot about your character. You should be very proud of yourself.

We are all very proud of you. A BS goes through many stages. Hold on, this ride will likely get very bumpy.

Thank you everyone for your kind words - it means so much! Things are really good - we talked tonight several times about this - mostly about damage control. Things like explaining off why I am no longer drinking all of a sudden - or why I no longer wish to be involved in adult parties - particularly around the neighborhood. More than anything - my husband told me that he wants me to forgive myself and get past this. He is worried that I will lock myself up in the house and not see people - he says I have done enough penance and beating myself up and it is time to forgive and move on with our lives. I told him that this will take me some time.

Why does this feel somewhat like I am reacting that way HE should be? It's a little Twilight Zone - but I am also counting myself so incredibly lucky to have this wonderful person standing by me in my life. He still is questioning whether or not he needs to speak to OM on my reputation's behalf - I told him I truly did not think that OM would confess to his wife. And that saddens me as much as it relieves me - I still do not think she would react this way. We are not going to be the people to tell OW about this incident - that is OM's burden. We want to put this behind us and be stronger.

Oh - and to clarify - we were never "close" with this couple - we are neighbors and know them as such - we do not BBQ together @ ea other's homes or anything - we have been to the same neighborhood events, go to the same community pool, etc - we see them around, chat a bit. That's it.

IC is scheduled for Tuesday - but I may postpone. Money is tight right now with DH just laid off - but my intentions are to definitely go when things are better $$ wise. I have not made that final decision - and I have not cancelled that appt as of yet.

I am fully committed to my husband - and my sobriety. Every day is a new opportunity to be my very best self for the people I love - including me (the hardest one of all).

Thank you all again!

I think the broom just met the rug.

^^THIS.

Holly, please, please, please do not cancel that appointment.

I am a BW, and we rugsweep too. For a multitude of reasons. If your BH is anything like me, he has, in his head, told himself that it's "ok" because you were stoned and drunk (like my WH was the first time it happened).

The point is - every step on the path to that incident was a choice - YOUR choice. The first drink. The second. The third. The joint. IC will help you unravel why you made THOSE choices. Go - for you. It's worth it.

Hi Holly,

First off, well done for posting here and recognising that this issue will not just go away and needs dealing with.

Secondly, well done for asking for advice and accepting it so openly.

Thirdly, well done for acting on the advice and doing what you felt was best and telling your BH.

I have just a few comments though...

I was worried about the suggestion of rape. I saw it as a get out of jail free card for you to blame shift completely onto the OM. I'm so glad you have not done this. It'd be easy to try this route, but the consequences of false accusation are beyond comprehension both for the OM and you once it was proven to be false. Good for you.

Whatever the OM told you about his prior actions or intentions I would take with a real pinch of salt. In order to really get down to the nitty gritty of WHY we allow ourselves to do this horrifc stuff, it is important to understand clearly who we are letting ourselves become involved with.

For example, in this case it was a drunken ONS. You become involved initmately in that one night with the neighbour.

What kind of guy is he? A good family man with a lovely wife you couldn't bear the thought of hurting?

To make the unthinkable even worse - it was their 11th anniversary that night

All he really wanted to do was please me - it was enticing in the moment

I'm not so sure reading these quotes. All he should have been wanting was to please HIS wife on their 11th wedding anniversary, rather than rolling around on the grass on his neighbour's front lawn with someone else's wife. Doesn't sound like a fine upstanding guy really.

You sound like you've recognised you were wrong, and he was wrong. I'm not sure you've taken time to recognise that his intentions were possibly different from yours. Two people can get drunk together and not end up having sex (all bar a logistical issue). For the latter part to happen there must be something in you and him to create this situation and most importantly that will allow you to act on it. Drink will lower your inhibitions naturally. but it's not why you allowed this to happen IMO.

I have had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol over the years. I have also have very poor boundary issues, low self-esteem issues and co-dependence issues at the same time. The alcohol just gave me the final kick at times, false confidence if you will, to jump right over the line. Years later, with the alcohol issues under control, I still ended up having an affair. An emotional affair. I never had sexual relations with my AP beyond kissing. So? It's blown my whole world apart and destroyed my BH. I dealt with the alcohol, but had no idea about the other issues until I started to search honestly for the deep and buried whys for this A.

Nothing like this is ever, ever, ever going to happen again - I do not want to hurt him unimaginably

I'm sure right now you believe this. And I'm sure so does he. And maybe you're both right. I'm sure you didn't want to hurt him, but you did. And BTW it's ok to admit you hurt you to.

However, I too get a sense of this...

I think the broom just met the rug.

Please keep the IC for the alcohol issue.

But please don't rug sweep or lose sight of the fact that this ONS happened too.

I would ask you to spend time thinking about why you party/binge drink? Was this a one off big blow out as you were so would up from your personal life fighting you've used alcohol to off load? Or is binge drinking something you have done before, however infrequently?

On top of this, consider past relationship. have you have previous relationships that were emotionally draining, but chose to stay anyway? Have you been attracted to people that retrospectively may have been emotionally dangerous? Have you been know to link drinking with poor moral decisions?

Consider if you have healthy boundaries with other around you. Is there any self-esteem issue?

Just for the record, I didn't think I had any of the issues I do have until I started digging. I actually thought I was really stable and healthy, in light of my quite F%&*ed upbringing. Sadly, I was wrong an the ostrich effect has brought a whole world of trouble with it.

It's really hard work to strip down yourself and analyse it honestly. Getting to all the bits we're ashamed of and would rather pretend are not there is not a task that happens lightly, easily or comfortably. But if it's not done, you'll think you're fix. you'll believe you've dealt with the issues at foot. You'll do a really good job of tucking them away in Pandora's box, but they're still there, and you just might find you'll do this again. Maybe not this, cause they'll be no booze; but an EA? May just creep up and smack up round the head with it's own special kind of 2x4.

Things are really good - we talked tonight several times about this - mostly about damage control. Things like explaining off why I am no longer drinking all of a sudden - or why I no longer wish to be involved in adult parties - particularly around the neighborhood

It's great that you are both talking about this stuff. But all of this is about reducing the HOWS of the ONS, not the whys. It'll help to remove opportunity and explains how you let this happen. But not why.

Good luck, if you do this right, it's going to be a long bumpy road.

You did the right thing... now continue down the right path. Dont minimize everything that happened.

Also dont rug sweep the marital issues you said you were having. In order to tebuild your marriage you both need to face those issues as well.

Holly,

I'm glad you and your H are talking about this. That's a very good thing. I just want to point one thing out.

Remember a few days ago how worried you were about how your H would react? The man you've been with for many years, the Father of your children, who you know better than anyone? You guessed at his reaction, and you guessed wrong.

I told him I truly did not think that OM would confess to his wife. And that saddens me as much as it relieves me - I still do not think she would react this way.

What makes you think you have any hope to guess what the OM will or won't do? You're putting too much faith in a man that spent the evening of his 11th anniversary on the lawn with you IMHO.

I hate to say this, but the lack of anger/ hurt by your BH sends my spidey senses tingling...

I am actually glad you told your H, especially after hearing how hard a time you were having living with it.

I am glad he took it well. BUT - don't be surprised if anger and hurt don't rear their ugly heads at some point. He is in shock and that is a numbing emotion. I don't think you can expect the calm to last forever. Be ready for more emotion from him. It may not happen for a few weeks or even a few months, but it will likely happen.

Still, you did the right thing. Please keep the appointment.

Good luck.

I want to say - that the Spiderman reference and the sweeping under the rug comments aren't necessary. My spouse has Aspergers and might not process things the way YOU think he should, and we have some TEMPORARY financial issues that I do not need to explain in explicit detail to this board that might prevent me from committing to immediate IC. Much in the same way I am not going to go into explicit detail the minutiae of what went down that evening with OM, why I care so much about OW, or my evolving thoughts on my substance issues and the whys of it all - there is a lot I am not going to put out there on a public forum. I am dealing with this head-on - and it is understood that I will need to go to IC in order to talk about this and delve deeper - my spouse cannot be that fix. I am owning my shit - this has been life changing - and I know there is more work to be done. But please - a little respect.

We can only respond to the info you give us. I certainly didnt mean any disrespect.

ETA I have a neice with Autism so I do understand the different processing of info. You did not share that, yet somehow come across that I should have known! Had I had that info, my spidey senses would not have been on high alert.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 7:19 AM, May 11th (Friday)]

No one had any idea your husband has Aspergers and had no intention of insulting him. Your anger is misdirected. People here are very respectful and if they are not..we have very good moderators to calm the storms.

Much in the same way I am not going to go into explicit detail the minutiae of what went down that evening with OM,

Yes..I noticed you dodged my question about why he was at your place at 3 am anyway.

That's ok..I am quite good at being an infidelity detective.

He was there because you wanted him there and you had intentions.

Your memory is quite good for someone so stoned and inebriated. I can ascertain that you intended to get that way to do what transpired on your front lawn.

You wanted to be free..to unwind and let loose while your husband was away.

Financial difficulties and relationship battles wore on you.

So you did what you did.

I asked myself..why would she have a man over to her home when she knows it's his anniversary and he has a loving wife she says she adores?

The answer is easy..she wanted him there and he wanted to be there and both knew what was about to transpire.

You admitted that you were not raped..he did not seduce you as I first deducted..he was there simply because you wanted him there.

Now..I would definitely keep that IC and not rugsweep this.

You need to do it for yourself since your BH cannot process this as a betrayal because of his Aspergers.

If anything..you need to do it so you don't take advantage of his condition.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 8:57 AM, May 11th (Friday)]

why I care so much about OW,

If you truly cared so much about her, you would tell her.

Also, she is the BW not the OW.

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 10:13 AM, May 11th (Friday)]

FLRedman nailed it. Why get pissed off suddenly? No one here knew your H had Aspergers. So why are you mad at US? Because the flow of the conversation went from your "high" of feeling good that this is all out and your H is loving and supportive, etc. When you mention your H wanting to put this in the past, the pats on the backs suddenly stop and it's brought to your attention that MAJOR rugsweeping is happening and that putting off IC isn't the best idea right now. Now you suddenly becoming defensive and insulted. Why? You also did this earlier in your thread claiming Mrs P was "browbeating" you when she called you on on breaking NC and covering your ass.

I did speak to OM briefly on the phone today - I wanted to know what his wife knew. He assured me nothing

I just wonder if you called to get your story straight with him. To find out who said what and if. If there was nothing behind it, why get so defensive?

I know you felt proud of yourself and relieved after disclosing to your H, but something was brought to your attention that needs to be addressed ASAP. You don't owe us an explanation of why exactly it is that you can't go to IC but what you do need to do is realize this isn't over. This is still going to require a lot of very hard work and honesty from you. This won't be a one-time "mistake" like you're claiming, and frankly, that's minimizing what happened. Knocking over mom's vase because you weren't paying attention to where you were going is a "mistake". Getting drunk and stoned and rolling around on your front lawn at 3am with the neighbor's H on THEIR 11year wedding anniversary while your H and kid are out of town was not a "mistake".

If you stay on your "high" and not realize what we're saying to you, you're going to fall and you're going to fall hard. If you get mad or offended when we're not praising you or are pointing something out none of what you've said or have done will matter. We are here to support you but we're also here to tell you things that won't make you comfortable. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned from SI is, if something someone says to you makes you mad, it's really worth looking into and finding out WHY what they said made you so mad.

Let's review a few things:

I don't really think I am blame shifting - it was 50/50 on the bad judgement with me and OM, but certainly 100% my fault what I did to my BS and my life. I am owning my shit -

followed by:

I think the root of this is honestly? The attention, the flattery, the lack of sex in my marriage, the promises of physical fulfillment in ways my BS doesn't offer me. We've been fighting a lot lately - it got to a point where I asked if he wanted a divorce - but I didn't mean it. We've been having a hard time - I was honestly looking forward to him being gone this weekend because of all the fighting. But I love him so much. And I am completely committed to working on my marriage and making it stronger, communicate my needs better, and do my damnedest to tend to his as well.

Uuummm...blameshifting.

He knows the facts - I was 100% honest. He sees it as the drug / alcohol induced mistake that it was. There was no premeditated intent, this is not an "affair", there is no relationship, this was not wanted, there is ZERO attraction, this will not EVER be happening again, I am completely remorseful and I clearly regret my behavior completely. I was out of my head drunk and stoned and was incapacitated beyond proper judgment

I don't believe all of that. You were not black-out drunk. You remember that night. I wonder why you keep repeating to us this was not wanted and you weren't attracted. Maybe you're trying to convince yourself more than anything. Most of us didn't want to have an A either, but we did. If you were so unattracted to the AP, why try multiple times to put his flaccid dick in you or as you stated, "despite efforts", implying more than once? I think you're not being very honest with yourself and with us. I also think you need to really examine the events of that night again. Don't ignore those thoughts and feelings that pop in. Listen to them and think really hard on them. This requires total honesty, not being dismissive or in denial.

He said that if I didn't want to talk about it ever again - that was ok -

More than anything - my husband told me that he wants me to forgive myself and get past this. He is worried that I will lock myself up in the house and not see people - he says I have done enough penance and beating myself up and it is time to forgive and move on with our lives. I told him that this will take me some time.

We want to put this behind us and be stronger.

^^^^^^^^^^^

Rugsweeping and probably shock, this is what happens to a lot of BS's right after D-day. Don't be surprised if he does want to talk and does get angry. Are you prepared for if and when the anger stage hits? Are you prepared to take that on? What if he decides a few weeks from now that he DOES want to talk about it and KEEPS wanting to talk about it and is wanting answers for many different things? Are you prepared for that? Do you think he'll just brush all of that aside forever?

ETA:

Please don't think that when I point out your H's quickness to forgive and forget that I'm saying you're not worthy or that that's what he should do. You ARE worthy of forgiveness and this can be put behind you both...but a lot or work needs to be done first. I'm also telling you this because it happens a lot on here. People jump into forgiveness or R before either fully absorbing what happened or getting all of the truth and that never helps in the long-run.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 9:25 AM, May 11th (Friday)]