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Positive Reconciliation Stories

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psychmom posted 5/20/2018 16:01 PM

Nothing really big, but maybe that's a good sign on this R journey. Woke up and it was raining, which caused us to immediately change our plans for the day. No biggie. Just he and I share our house nowadays, with our daughters both grown and out on their own. So we made love. Slowly, no hurry, no interruptions to anticipate. Then I made pancakes while he made coffee. We decided together on a project to work on that has been on our to do list. And we did it. Things haven't always been this easy between us lately, but today I felt myself soften toward him, and when this happens, things can be very good. Very, very good.

The rain stopped, I asked him if he'd take a walk with me. A LONG walk, he said of course. So hand in hand we walked 4 miles around town, the conversation never letting up. Slow, easy, hand-in-hand, old timers out enjoying the trees and the lake and talking about when we moved to this town, how young the girls were, how things have changed. And us. How we've changed. We did talk a bit about our situation, without really naming it. You know, the "we almost didn't make it this far, ya know" and we both know. This M should have ended 4 years ago, when I discovered all that I did. When he had mentally moved beyond us, mentally was thinking of a future without me. But here we are, with our 24th anniversary coming up before too long. We are planning vacations, working on house projects, cooking together . . . hey, we're a typical married couple! Maybe not so typical perhaps, but BETTER than many married couples who have not gone through what we have.

As awful as it has been, it has brought us together in a way nothing else likely would have. That sucks, but I believe it's the truth. We needed the wake up call to ring as clearly and loudly as it did. I get angry when I think of how this happened, but I don't dwell there much anymore. I'm just trying to enjoy where I am, where we are, and looking forward to where we're headed.

Each of our stories is different. And each of us believes OUR story is different from everyone else's. Haha. Many similarities, but there are differences, too. Like many of you reading this, I believe with about 87% assurance that he will not cheat on me again. And I'm about 84% certain we will grow old together. In part because in the "old" M I did not know him as I know him today. And he did not know him as well as he knows himself today either. When he gets grouchy or does some of the things that drive me up the wall, I don't turn away from him in the ways I once did. When I left him alone to deal with things on his own, when he hadn't a clue what to do. I did not understand that at the time; how clueless he was about how to help himself. Today I'm more aware, as is he, and things seems different, and we both react differently. THAT is the biggest difference in our M. Because that allows us to work as a team, to be with one another when we're feeling raw or ugly or not our best. And to work through this stuff together, and at the end of the day, more often than not, feel okay with one another, feel safe in this relationship.

I'm not saying things as well as I would like to. But the message is that nearly 4 years out, life is good, life is back to normal. I have waited so long for normal And normal is different than before, but it's a place without drama, without fear of abandonment, without constant thoughts of what once was. This is real. This is Us. And while it may not be the life or relationship that would work for everyone, it does work for us. At least for now, and I do feel confident that this course we've finally set is the right one, the one that will finally lead us out of infidelity and into a more calm and stable channel. This is not the overly idealistic version of the life I expected at the end of this journey, but the more realistic version. And yes, I do believe it's finally the right one.

Keep working it if you're still struggling to find your place of peace. It's out there, you will find it. It may take longer than you believe it should (I didn't expect it to take this long! I was signed up for the 2 years and done plan ), so don't get discouraged if things are going more slowly than you'd like. So long as you're making progress, see more progress than set backs, and of course there's NO MORE INFIDELITY, then you're on the right path.

strugglebus posted 5/28/2018 16:38 PM

I'm back

Y'all who prayed for an easier week for me? Thank you. Answered prayers have come to light.
This week, my husband has:
- acknowledged a trigger of mine and asked about my comfort level and requested my thoughts before proceeding (with no prompting)

- prepared to lead a short term project that has women on the team and asked me how it made me feel and came up with strategies on his own to reassure me (inviting the team over for a dinner - he's cooking of course - so they could meet me, going over how he plans to keep a professional distance while still being fair and courteous to everyone equally)

- shared a trigger of his about the affair - one that also hits me. He reached out and held my hand and told me how sad it makes him that he ruined it

- owned a bad decision he made at work completely (a mistake - nothing really damaging but absolutely annoying to his boss/coworkers) without excuses and took steps to prevent it happening in the future. This turned a negative experience into a positive one (he got a glowing review that he shared with me) and he credited the work that he has been doing in recovery for being able to do that.

I told him how all of these things made me feel safer, not alone and proud of the man he is becoming.

I could not have imagined saying any of those things to him ever again just a year ago.

I will take the win. I am starting to really feel like these changes are permanent and that because he was motivated to rise above his own limitations he has become a better partner and person than he was before.

He could still surprise me, (I've been surprised before) but at 19 months of consistent effort, I am going to use this week to spur me toward staying all in. Even in the tough moments.

I hope everyone gets a good week next week. Hugs to those hurting.

Iwantmyglasses posted 5/30/2018 23:33 PM

An update!

Getting closer to the two year mark. In the beginning, I never imagined I would be here.

We had the most amazing and fun time on an unexpected trip. We had fun together. The following may be an unpopular opinion for R; but I need to say it. Ass-kissing is a must. I donít mean hollow ass-kissing. I mean the wayward needs to be on their knees. Basically following every bit of How to Help Your Spouse Heal.

More importantly. You need boundaries. I needed boundaries. I have a voice and I am important. I use my voice now.

My precious children wanted details of our getaway. What we did. Interactions with people. Food details. They lapped up the descriptions. Their questions and responses were so fun and interesting.

I realized tonight. Kids donít need parents in R. They need parents who are loving one another and ENJOYING each other.

In the beginning of this journey, I thought kids just needed married parents to prevent a whole world of hurt.

I know different now. The kids arenít stupid. They know what love is. They want love between their parents. Brings me to tears thinking about it. Listening to their questions tonight made me realize how insightful and aware children are. They canít be fooled. They know love.

I am glad my husband and I are getting our heads out of our own way; and my children got to witness love from their parents today.

Thissucks5678 posted 6/13/2018 09:32 AM

I donít really know what to write, but Iím going to attempt something here.

Today marks two years that I found out my WH had a physical affair with a COW. I scheduled my first MC session on this day 2 years ago before I found that out. I never thought I would be here. I thought cheating was a dealbreaker. I thought I would be angry and just get a lawyer. I had no idea that I would feel so completely broken.

I had so many late nights reading on SI. Crying and drinking and just being miserable. I was obsessive and so scared he would leave me for her. All I wanted was something to make me feel better and to stop the pain. It is a terrible place to be be. I didnít understand this section of the forum. Forgiveness??? Cheating is unforgivable. Happiness? Never again. My life was ruined. I was put into a terrible situation that I never asked to be put in and my choices were to give up my comfortable life and ruin my kidsí lives or forever be stuck with a cheater.

2 years of marriage counseling, many books and hours read and so many hours invested in changing and growing for both of us and I am mostly happy. This was a tough week. There were some rough antiversary days. But it was better this year than last year. I havenít said the words ďI forgive youĒ to my WH yet, but I do see a future when I will and I want to forgive, Iím just not there yet.

He says he is ďall in.Ē I am 97% ďall in.Ē Itís hard to be 100% with a betrayal like this. But, for the most part, I am. Marriage is hard. I had already been divorced and knew what I wanted. My WH didnít. He didnít take it seriously. I think he does now. I hope he does now. I will be ok if he doesnít. I wonít break again. Thatís the biggest thing Iíve learned, Iím even stronger than I realized. I will be fine without him, I didnít know that before.

The biggest takeaway is there can be a light at the end of that tunnel. So many things about our relationship are better now than they ever were before. Our communication is light years ahead of what it used to be. We speak each otherís love languages. We try, we have dates, we have great sex. Itís a great marriage with two equal partners now. We both put an effort in now.

I used to like reading positive stories, even if I couldnít fathom them. I hope my story helps someone and at least makes W2BH happy:)


thighswideshut posted 6/14/2018 13:24 PM

I want to weigh in after over six years later after my wife had a two year affair with her boss.

I wanted to wait to provide our positive reconciliation so as not to seem too premature in this note.

I feel like we're back, and I've had to do a lot of work on myself to process it, but I've changed a lot of my beliefs in the process.

The depths of how much I've learned and am still learning about my beliefs has made me into a much expanded version of myself.

My decision to forgive her was a key for my healing, and as led to the healing of our marriage. I've studied healing as a result. I now love to give Reiki to myself and anyone who needs it.

Just a note of encouragement for those in our position.

EvolvingSoul posted 6/16/2018 18:57 PM

This is a repost of the thread entitled "His Wifey" here in the reconciliation forum. A member suggested I put it here so it sticks around longer. It's two posts, actually, the initial one and then the followup one that came after much encouragement from members take the vulnerability path and follow up with BS.

*Post 1*
Something happened last night that was just so amazing that I want to share it here and also ask a question.

BS and I were just doing the normal stuff, dinner in front of the TV, catching up on the events of the day. He got up and went to the kitchen for something and when he came back he came up behind me, put his arms around me and whispered those words in my ear that he hasn't uttered since D-day: "My Wifey". Then he went back to the kitchen.

During the few minutes before he came back I had a joy meltdown. Cried. Marveled. I never thought I'd hear him call me that again, and that tender and loving tone of voice was nectar for my soul. I got myself back together before he came back, and he didn't say anything about and neither did I. It was like that moment when a hummingbird is suddenly hovering right in front of you and you don't want to move or do anything to scare it off so you can just stay in it's presence for as long as possible.

Now I want to reciprocate but again, I'm afraid of pushing it or him taking it back or finding out it wasn't such a big deal to him or he didn't mean it or...I know I'm babbling. It just surprised me so much. My instincts are telling me to go with vulnerability. My fear is suggesting that I just keep this as a private little nugget of feel good that I can embellish and relive in my mind again and again.

*Post 2*
It turned out to be so much more.
From time to time over the years since we stopped using the wifey/hubby nicknames one of them would just pop out of my mouth, followed by me suddenly realizing I'd said it and trying to reel it back in, about as awkwardly as trying to get toothpaste back in a tube. I'd say something like "That makes wifey happy...oh..shit..I mean person..person you live with...person in your life...partner...dammit, sorry.

Earlier on it was followed by feelings of sadness, self-pity, sometimes resentment, sometimes kept inside, sometimes leaking out. Over time my response to it changed. As entitlement decreased and remorse increased and I got better at dealing with crummy feelings I'd just offer a "sorry" and any sad feelings were more directed at what he'd lost, what we'd lost, and most times I didn't fall into the pit of despair. More like a speed bump than a crater in the road.

Apparently that night I uttered the word "wifey", hit the speed bump enough for him to notice and then moved on down the road swiftly enough for me to forget I had even said it. And he, in his kindness and compassion, wanted to reassure me that it was okay. So he said it quietly at first, "my wifey", but he said it was a little shaky his throat was a little gravelly and that I didn't hear him or understand him if I did. I don't think I even heard him.

So a few minutes passed and he began to wonder if I had even heard him but he felt weird about just saying it out loud again, as if out of nowhere and then when he went to the kitchen that first time decided, wouldn't you know it, that he would be the vulnerable one and just whisper it definitively into my ear so that if I was feeling weird about it I could not possibly mistake that it was okay that I had said it, even if it might seem like it was coming out of nowhere. Which it did!

Our discussion of what happened resulted in a really good conversation. I said that just because he had said it this once (or twice as it turned out) it didn't mean I thought it was open season on using the terms and that I understood if he was still triggered by it and he said he wanted to be able to use them but couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't sometimes be.

I noticed something really interesting and that's that it seems like I've been waiting for him to give me the signal that it's okay to use the terms again and had an expectation that I had been unaware of that it would only be okay to start using them again if he could assure me he would no longer be hurt by them. And I realized that, again, that's me defending against vulnerability.

So we left it that we would start using them again, with the possibility of triggering but worth the risk to work toward reclaiming not just the terms but also increasing the feelings of connection they represent.

Thanks for the support from this definitely still-EvolvingSoul.

Trying2copeinMD posted 6/20/2018 18:48 PM

Hi all!

I initially posted this in the general section. My reason for doing that is that I'm still pretty new when it comes to recovery. Be honest, I don't even know if I should be posting here, but it was suggested that I Cher My Success is here, in hopes that it might Inspire someone. I do hope that I could come back later and post an even better update. I still struggle, but I'd imagine that everyone on here has struggled as well.

Here is my post, copied from the original post here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=623349


Hi fellow infidel-ees/es!
Wanted to come on here and actually give a pretty positive update. I don't really post much about my own situation that often, as we are both trying. More on that later though. :)

Things have been going pretty well. We are almost to the 13th month since D Day, let me tell you, the roller coaster is real! Most days are smooth sailing, and then something will come up that will hit pretty hard, and I will sit there and obsess over that, plus 3 other things that seemed pretty small, but combine them, and BAM! Sleepless night as I sit there and create all of these scenarios in my head. We have arrived at a place though that she can tell when something is bothering me, and she will actually ask me about it. Huge for a conflict avoider! She has come to accept that this is the byproduct of me and Justin that shit sandwich that she fed me. Not sure how many other people feel this way, but I do think a lack of communication may have contributed to an environment for an affair to happen. Oh, I am in no way trying to give her an excuse, but I can see it.

We've been through a lot of those "first" milestones. First affair season, first holidays, our anniversary, and D-Day anniversary. Some are harder than others, but we got through them. She even saw me drunk at 3am over her choices... Not my finest hour. I think that may have shaken her to her core in all honesy, as I am an occasional drinker at best, and never alone. She saw me at my worst, and understood that she caused is. Maybe she had to see that I couldn't cope? She saw my pain that night.

The thing is, we are still here. We, as in a couple. We can have fun. We still have our date nights. We still hang out with our kids while they all groan at my "dad jokes". It's ALMOST a better marriage for the most part, except for the asterisk. Except for the pain I still feel, and probably always will. Infidelity pain is a disease, and I'm not sure if there is a cure... Only ways to make the symptoms less impacting.

Are we perfect again? Not really, but maybe we can come close. The trust is still under repair. The "uniqueness" and feeling like we can conquer all are unsalvageable unfortunately. But, we are still here, and fighting for the same cause. We are in each other's corners again.

So, how did we get here? Oddly enough, it was a post on here that helped me tremendously. I believe that it was a post by Walloppee (sorry if I am mistaken) that said that a BS has to be all in just as much as the WS. Think about that for a second. We, the betrayed have to have a part in rebuilding? WTF? It's true though. If we have made the decision to reconcile, we have to do work too. A big obstacle for me was that SHE cheated when I thought everything was fine. What would happen now that I am broken and shattered? What worth do I have to her now? Not only that, but why should I care? This shit is on her! I should leave! The thing is, I chose to stay. Yeah, it was for those two smaller faces that I kiss every night, but I digress. I stayed. I need to be involved in the rebuilding efforts too!

The other thing that helped me get here was a lot harder. Releasing the anger and resentment. When I tell you it was hard, you have no IDEA how hard! Well, perhaps you do, if you're here. I have always been the type that would cut someone out of my life if you wronged me. For Christmas, I may even buy you a present as a token of Goodwill... Slippers and a vibrator. Don't like the slippers? Go 'F' yourself. So, believe me, letting go of the anger was hard. I remembered praying every night to let me sleep soundly and for a better outlook on life tomorrow than I had today. I asked for God to take my anger. Well, he did. I no longer resent HER, but the choices she made and how she placed our family as collateral in her gamble. I still have anger, I still feel resentment, but not nearly as crippling as it was.

Now, for the trying. We are both still in IC and MC. Even this far out! She has out in some hard work, as have I. I know that she respects me again, and understands the gift of grave that has been extended, albeit reluctantly. I am confident that she will never repeat her actions. I still have questions that I may never ask, only because I don't see a positive outcome by having them answered. Doesn't mean that they don't linger. We have worked heavily on communication. We have always been able to talk about most things, but sex and conflict has been a subject that she shied away from. I don't allow us to not talk about that anymore. I tell her what/when I have a trigger, and we discuss. We are by no means perfect (ok, maybe I am. Lol. J/K!), But we are trying to navigate our new norm the best we can.

Together.


Sorry so long winded...


Bestthing posted 6/26/2018 17:56 PM

I am only 6 months post last D day, but I want to share a positive realization ON d day. My WH and I have been married 19 years. He really is a great guy, but I had focused on the negatives and always wondered if I married the right person. Itís not a doubt that I shared consciously with him, but the doubt for gnawing at me (especially as he hid from me after the affair). When I discovered that he had a LTA and I realized I did not want to leave him, I finally got confirmation that I do love him. I now see that I had doubts because he never showed me his full self. There were shameful things that he hid from and I intuitively felt the distance all these years. I honestly donít think that either of us would have let out guards down without such a shock to the marriage. For the marriage to be real, we did need a shock of this magnitude. Now there are better ways to shock us out of our protective shells, but an affair is what we got and it did reset ourselves and our marriage.

Bestthing posted 6/26/2018 17:57 PM

I am only 6 months post last D day, but I want to share a positive realization ON d day. My WH and I have been married 19 years. He really is a great guy, but I had focused on the negatives and always wondered if I married the right person. Itís not a doubt that I shared consciously with him, but the doubt for gnawing at me (especially as he hid from me after the affair). When I discovered that he had a LTA and I realized I did not want to leave him, I finally got confirmation that I do love him. I now see that I had doubts because he never showed me his full self. There were shameful things that he hid from and I intuitively felt the distance all these years. I honestly donít think that either of us would have let out guards down without such a shock to the marriage. For the marriage to be real, we did need a shock of this magnitude. Now there are better ways to shock us out of our protective shells, but an affair is what we got and it did reset ourselves and our marriage.

Followtheriver posted 7/5/2018 18:42 PM

I originally posted this in the Wayward forum and I was asked to post it here.

I am not sure where to even start this update.
Oh yes I do. We are no longer attempting to R because my BH decided that there is nothing more to attempt.

We are now fully and happily R! Healing has taken place in both of us and our M. We both now know that our M must always come first abov e all else and we can not ever take it for granted. Me especially, I hold in my heart, my BH gifts of forgiveness and mercy.

I have graduated from IC except for the occasional tune up. I wish I had done it years ago but it took me causing total destruction to finally be able to face my FOO.

Oh yes,my FOO. I grew up and survived the horrors of Hell. As I think back on it now, I sometimes wonder how I was able to survive all the abuse and not have been more broken than I was. The abuse will probably always be part of my nightmares but not my waking hours. I no longer give it any power over me. I was able to share some with my BH but not everything. Maybe someday but probably not. MrRiver is ok with that as long as when the nightmares come, I let him help me through them. I do this gladly.

Discovered my true why's. We thought I had figured them out awhile ago and my BH was as ok with them as he was going to be so we were working on our M. Then this past winter something happened, clicked or maybe a higher power whacked me upside the head, I honestly don't know. What I do know is that my why's hit me like a bolt of lightning and brought me to my knees with the realization of why I was capable of such destruction.

Lying, all the lying over big shit, little shit, stupid shit. Just stop right now!!! I know how hard it can be when your first instinct is to lie, it is easier than breathing sometimes. But it is not what healthy, well adjusted adults do.

So whenever MrRiver asked me a question, I take a deep breath before I answered so a lie did not automatically roll off my tongue. The more I did it, the easier it was to speak the truth.

I still stumbled like when MrRiver asked me why did I get up about midnight. I told him that I took the dog out. Which was the truth but not completely. We looked at each other for just a couple of seconds, then I blurted out that I had also smoked a cig while I was outside. (He doesn't like me smoking so I am a closet smoker in that I do not smoke in front of him.) He then asked me why that was so hard? He reminded me that if he did not file for D on D-day, he was not going to when I smoke a cig. But lying will be the deal breaker. I have not lied since.

We have had a few painful truth sessions but they have ended up being all good.

One had me admitting how much I feared that MrRiver's anger issues would someday rear it's ugly head. He has assured me that he will not allow that to happen. He never wants to be that person again. I am believing and trusting in him on this. He also knows that I am not the same person either.

Another was when he asked me what feelings I still had for my HS sweetheart with whom I got pregnant and suffered a horrific miscarriage our Senior year. (not AP) He said he wanted the truth no matter what. So I told a painful truth. Yes, part of me will always love him and he will always have a special place in my heart. He was the Father of my first child, a baby boy who was wanted and loved. Denying love for his Father would have been denying love for our baby and I could not and would not do that. He just thanked me for being honest.

Working through the whole truth of our pre-A and post-A M was what made R even possible. If you take just one thing from this post, let it be this. Truth and honesty or the lack of, will make or break any chance of R.

We are now building this amazing M as best friends and lovers. We are enjoying each other's company, traveling and having fun.
We know that we can not make up for lost time, but we sure as hell are not going to waste it either. The life we have is too precious.

Is it all Unicorns and Fairy dust? Absolutely not. Sometimes it can be a stubborn Jackass and Fairy farts. It is how we handle and deal with the Jackass and Fairy farts that tells me, we are going to make it.

shellbean posted 7/9/2018 11:50 AM

My birthday was Saturday, 7/7. As usual, I am working a music festival which keeps me away from home for about 18 - 20 hours a day. Leaving us no time together and me in a state of anxiety.

My H has visited me every night, and texted/called me every hour when he hasn't been here. Last night for my bday, he brought me dinner so we could spend time together. He gave me a beautiful ring (a mother's ring) that he said, "You've been a mom for a long time, you deserve to be recognized." Included a beautiful necklace and earrings as well. While I'm not a huge jewelry person, he somehow finds pieces that are understated, yet meaningful. When I got home well after midnight, he had a cake with candles waiting for me. This is the first time I have had a cake on my birthday (from him) in 25 years! The card he gave me was perfect for the place we are in our M right now. It made me cry, it was so spot on.

Everyday, things are getting better. My H is working hard and he doesn't give up! He is figuring this out on his own, without me having to tell him what to do or what I need. He is anticipating my needs and wards off most triggers before they get to me.

This man has changed so much in the last 8 months, I don't recognize him. He is transforming before my eyes into a man that (dare I say?) I am proud to be married to.

Trinnie01 posted 7/12/2018 14:29 PM

Today was the first time since dday March 10,2018 that me and my H had a good conversation about the affair. No arguing just understanding on both parts. We both want our marriage to work, we both want to be back in love like we first met. Going to our first MC next Saturday and wait.

Witchywoman posted 7/12/2018 16:41 PM

Havenít been on here in a while. Just had three year Dday anniversary. I didnít even remember until half way through the day. Things arenít perfect but have gotten a lot better. My husband treats me very well. Our marriage is solid. I still think about it every day but not every second of the day. If you decide you want to stay in your marriage and give it a another try and your spouse is truly remorseful regretful and trying to make it up, just know there is light at the end of the tunnel. If I can feel better then I think others can also. I was in a deep dark hole, even had thoughts of suicide. Good luck to all.

Rdsxgrl posted 7/14/2018 17:33 PM

I am back after a hiatus.

We are very much reconciled. Heck we even had a new wedding.

OWS - one weekend stand with his xW.

I found out courtesy of her BFF. He confirmed.

I found this place, read & read & read some more. I denied that it would take 2-5 years. I ignored advice, until I figured out, maybe people here do know something.

Did the heavy lifting, IC, MC & his complete remorse - not regret & utter transparency has led us to R. No R can be achieved without all of these.


I still could not celebrate our anniversary, it was dead & buried. So I, no we, have a new one, new rings & new start.

I think I actually know I have a better H than when we started this journey. He demonstrates constantly his love & commitment.

We just got back from a dream vacation. 4 days in PR and then a Caribbean 8 day cruise. Best thing he let me plan it all but he threw in a few surprises.

Maclou posted 7/26/2018 00:26 AM

Before the infidelity, I never did anything for myself. Everything was for someone else-WH, the kids, my mother etc.
WH has been telling me for years that I need to look after myself so since the infidelity, I have been putting my self first a bit more.

Yesterday I went for a facial(Iím mid 40s and this is my second facial ever so itís a big deal for me!)

I got back and found that my WH had come home early from work, collected the kids, brought them to the grocery store to buy the ingredients for dinner. He told me to sit down and relax, himself and my daughter were making dinner.
We then watched a movie with the kids.

A few weeks ago, we had a big row and one of the things that I mentioned was that I always had to bring up the infidelity and I always felt like the bad guy when I did it.

After the kids had gone to bed last night, he sat me down, asked how I was and he opened up a conversation about the infidelity. This was huge for me. He had listened to what I said, took it on board and did exactly what I wanted him to do without prompting.

We had a quick talk about where we were both at, I didnít feel like the bad guy. The conversation moved on to other things and there was no drama, no guilt.

We are coming up to the anniversary of the infidelity and there are a huge amount of triggers for me at the moment but knowing that my WH has my back and ďgets itĒ makes me feel like I can deal with them and come through the other side.


livelaughloveoft posted 8/3/2018 10:47 AM

To New Attitude,
Read your post. I'm New to site, so have no positive yet. I read the bottom of your post and cried because I hope to beable to say,
Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.
Thank you!

psychmom posted 8/11/2018 13:38 PM

The "new normal" is settling in. We had an interesting evening last night that I would like to share. Started when Mr Psych came home and reminded me that he had an appointment to meet with his IC for a "closure" type session. Last meeting between them was over 2 months ago, maybe longer. Asked me to ride with him and we'd go out afterward.

I went shopping during his session then picked him up afterward. We decided to take a walk near a downtown lake and ended up stopping for a drink, then to another location for another drink and dinner. It was a lovely night. Conversation turned to his affairs, of course. But it was different this time. While I did feel my anxiety rise at different points, I told him this and it felt honest and genuine and felt like a bit of closure for he and I as well.

Some of the things we talked about included our "awakening" as a couple as well as as individuals. Those who know me from here know my backstory, in that our M was on life support, barely surviving. I had checked out, and once he entered into the EA with the younger COW he checked out as well. His awakening was to discover why betraying me and his own integrity was his solution to his unhappiness. My awakening was to discover why I accepted the lousy M, the factors that lead me to withdraw from him. But the one thread that we both held on to was that at our core, we both still loved one another. We just didn't know how to build and keep a healthy relationship. That was our FOO issues to work through, that was the grieving we both did alone and together for the lost years, the dysfunction we raised our DD in.

So we spoke of how fortunate we are that we "awoke". Again, I stated my happiness with where we are, but my intense displeasure for how we got here. The reality is, however, without his Affairs as the blaring alarm, we would likely still be asleep, lying to ourselves, unsure why we are unhappy and unclear how to change things. His infidelity forced us to put it all on the table, even when we didn't know what to do with half of it. I used the puzzle analogy a lot. The pieces that fit, the ones that did not. I used to drive myself crazy trying to fit pieces of the A-story in that just didn't work. And usually it was because there was a flaw in the story he told me, more to be uncovered. And that is much how our R went early on, the "work" part of it. Him learning to be honest and share all the hard truths with me, me learning to not react defensively at each new revelation, but to absorb it, to see how this new information fit into the narrative I was creating about what had happened and how we got to this place.

One thing Mr Psych told me that struck me is that being happy with where he is now is easy because there is nothing from the past that he felt he gave up or had to compromise on. He never really fit into that world, despite it filling his needs for attention and affection during those nearly 4 years (the last year was the one with the 2 consecutive sexual affairs). So there are no regrets about the past except that it occurred. No wishful thinking about what might have been. No wondering if his life would have been better had he made the choice not to R. I know in my heart that this is where he wants to be. Where he always wanted to be. But to know how far he strayed will likely always haunt me to some degree.

But it made me take a deeper look at the man I married. To really see him, inside him, to know what makes him tick. I had glimpses and ideas about that earlier in our M, but we never talked about it. I filled in the gaps of my knowledge not with facts, but with my own answers. Similarly, I did this with the narrative of his affairs as well. And we talked about that last night, too. So we rehashed a few things that we've gone over numerous times, but with the new goal of me listening and allowing his words to fill in my gaps, rather than me assume I know why he did such and such, what he must have been feeling, etc. I consciously made my mind blank so I could take it in. And it occurred to me that in the past I would ignore some of what he said because it didn't "fit" because honestly, I didn't want to know it. Because it hurt, because it revealed things about his feelings and actions that my brain didn't want to accept. But I'm ready now to accept things that early on I brushed aside or ignored. Nothing earth changing, thankfully. But just knowing how my mind played tricks on me has been eye opening. Just as a wayward rationalizes their reality, I think I as a BS have done the same. Rationalized information about the A and about my H to make it more palatable. Less hurtful.

I shared with him that I recently had a dream in which I walked into a restaurant and found him and OW2 talking at a table. In my dream, I lost it and screamed hateful things at both of them. In my dream he tried to calm me by telling me he was only there because she reached out when she received some devastating health news (like maybe she was terminal). In my dream, and now also in reality, I told him that if that was the case we were done, because I need 100% of him, and no one else can have even 1%. If he's not in this 100% for me alone, I want nothing. And I believe that is my truth. It's always been my truth. Hence the devastation of DDay and the discoveries.

All in all, it was a beautiful evening. Not without a few tears, but they were the good kind of tears. Mostly from Mr Psych as he processed yet again the harm he caused through his actions. Not only harm to me and our DD, but harm to himself. His apologies were heartful and specific. Not the generic "I'm so sorry, Psych". But the kind that specifically identify the physical and emotional betrayal perpetrated. Sometimes it's still risky for us to drink, and having 2 drinks was a bit usual nowadays. It once would throw fuel on the flame and blow into a huge fight about the past with all the hurts and anger surfacing without any restraint. I felt a bit of those old feelings under the surface at times, but was this time was able to push those feelings aside and again simply listen.

For me, this is what R looks like. Mr Psych told his IC that this is the most content with himself he's felt possibly ever. He took off the mask, he's revealed his true self, and he now has the life he's always believed he wanted. Nothing fancy, nothing too exciting. Nothing to hide. And with a wife who his nearly 60 years old. He mentioned that it's my wisdom and strength and ability to have endured all I have over the past 4 years that has really opened his eyes to who I am and the role I play in his life. He knows what he owes me because of the risk I took on him, the opportunity I gave him. Before DDay I didn't always reveal these parts of myself, they were always there, but only when I found myself struggling with the betrayal did they come forward to guide me. So as much as Mr Psych has "fixed" himself over the past 4 years, I, too, have fixed a few things of my own. I have a ways yet to go, but that's a story for another day.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 8/23/2018 09:30 AM

We were on vacation a few weeks ago... and were staying in different hotels every night...traveling through several states . We were almost doing the exact thing that we did 4 years ago...which was just a few weeks after DDay. But what a DIFFERENCE time and healing does !!!

While on vacation...I noticed the DIFFERENCE in my H is truly life changing too!!! I have NEVER known him to be this loving...patient... and so very adorable . I say it often...you just donít know what you donít know.

I accepted my H for who he was. I was HAPPY in my M...and so was my H according to the Craigslist Ads he placed wanting NSA sex . But it was nothing compared to NOW!!! I never knew what I was missing out on!!!

We were doing a LOT of walking on our vacation...so my feet were sore!!! After our showers one night...we were laying in bed when my H got up...grabbed some lotion...and started rubbing my feet!! This NEVER happened before!!! This isnít the only thing either... but his caring for me is just amazing!!! He told me once that he was going to make it his lifeís mission to give me back my ďhappily ever afterĒ...and MAN...is he ever!!!

People can and do change every day. Even a Wayward spouse like my H! The thing that I learned and changed about myself is that I wonít SETTLE ever again. I want a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse... and Thank God I am getting just that!!!

uxorpatricius posted 9/4/2018 12:04 PM

For those who are new, or didn't catch my other posts about the ever present xOW in our community, her other MMs, her soon to be x husband and their wive's and x wive's, my in-laws and our 5 year reconciliation, I am sorry. It is too long and detailed.

5 years of other people's drama that I never wanted is just waaaay toooo long to post here. And this is the Positive Reconciliation Story section, so why regurgitate that crap here, anyway.

What I just wrote as a summary will have to suffice.

BUT:

For those who know that part of what Mr. Uxor and I are doing is shifting our business, careers and our life into a design that takes us out of the area more and more, that is why I am posting today.

We put another peg into place. We have two routes to live and work at, now, away from the area, over half the time. We will be mostly gone within a few years, but the locations are designed well enough to work regionally and via technology.

We purchased a property in a very healing and soothing place. A place just about us. A few hours away. We can get back within a day to care for our parents, to see our grown kids, and to do required face to face meetings if need be.

Mr. Uxor is planning a new home for us in detail in this little slice of heaven. He is doing the work of building a new life for us.

The people who want to create distress in our recovered marriage will just have to do it in their imaginations. We will be out of sight and reach- even if not out of mind. When we are back, it will be unpredictable and hard to anticipate.

I know a lot of betrayed spouses live in agony as changes happen slowly. Changes in bad behaviors being replaced by good. Changes in letting go of an old life and rebuilding a new one. Changes in knowing things will never be the same, and trying to make new memories to focus on.

And I will admit, Mr. Uxors affair crushed other dreams we had that will never happen now...it still hurts to let those go. But their is hope in the new dreams, and seeing him do the work to put them into action is how I can put a some trust into his sincerity. He is walking the walk, and doing what he can to heal our marriage, protect it, and rebuild a future.

Hope replacing hurt.


Oh....and we went past the DDay season this summer, and I did better than ever. Mr. Uxor stuck close to me. And (YAY!) we did not see any of her clever "reminders" come our way like they used to.

Maybe our boundaries have become too hard to penetrate, or maybe she is too busy trying to manage the other drama she is creating in her other reationships.

So....I guess that was two positives? A better DDay season than ever? And a new life ahead?

2timesunfaithful posted 9/8/2018 09:50 AM

Blue Iris and I have been married 21 years as of Thursday, and I am very grateful to be married to such a wonderful woman.

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