Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

default

ibmovingon ( Member #22179) posted at 6:58 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2011

I spent most of my married life brushing things under the rug and pretending it wasn't happening to avoid the "what if he leaves" issue. And in the end, he left anyway.

setting boundaries will not determine if he leaves you or not, that will be his choice 100%. If he wants it to work, he will work to get to the point where he can accept your boundaries. If he doesn't, he will use the boundaries as an EXCUSE to leave, if he was going to leave anyway. It takes all the heat off him. It is mental blackmail and emotional abuse for a WS to inflict that on the BS.

Just a word of caution...don't set ANY consequences you are not fully prepared to see all the way through. Because if you set them, and he breaks the boundary and you do not follow through with the consequence, that only gives him more power.

BW (me)- 52
XWH - 54
M almost 31 yrs, 2 kids
Dday - which one? He's a sex addict.
Divorce final 2/1/2010

"You are the only one that can stop him from hurting you, he will keep doing it as long as you let him" - My Mom

posts: 273   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5486455
default

 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 7:18 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2011

Agreed, your boundarues are your. They are for you. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. This has nothing to do with others, we define how we are to be treated. Glad you apprecited it.

LHAP?

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5486470
default

bufffalo ( Member #21854) posted at 8:12 AM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2011

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5512284
default

Twitchy ( Member #25393) posted at 12:47 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2011

How about these Boundaries and Consequences:

It stops contacting the filthy puss bag or else it gets the hose again.

BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Li

posts: 753   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2009   ·   location: Ontario - Canada
id 5512364
default

 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 2:37 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2011

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5520521
default

bufffalo ( Member #21854) posted at 3:48 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2011

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5530313
default

laughagain? ( Member #30559) posted at 5:21 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2011

I realized recently this is one of my major issues I need to work on after riding this rollercoaster for 14 months. I now realize that as long as I allow him to lie and be so disrespectful to me he will continue.

So scary though.

[This message edited by laughagain? at 11:30 AM, November 11th (Friday)]

Me: BS 48
Him: WH 52
Dday 1: 9/9/2010 (2 days after 25th anniversary)

posts: 57   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2010   ·   location: United States
id 5530476
default

lostsuol ( Member #13706) posted at 5:44 AM on Sunday, November 13th, 2011

thanks... didn't see this 1st time around.

Still a struggle...

posts: 815   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2007   ·   location: Canada
id 5532656
default

annb ( Member #22386) posted at 12:16 AM on Saturday, November 19th, 2011

bump

posts: 11257   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 5542221
default

 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 3:02 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2011

Bump

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5550925
default

Lost and Betraye ( Member #33988) posted at 4:45 PM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2011

Great on for us newbies

Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft

posts: 317   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2011   ·   location: CA
id 5559096
default

bufffalo ( Member #21854) posted at 7:03 AM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2011

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5569318
default

Lost and Betraye ( Member #33988) posted at 6:52 PM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2011

bump for Twang

Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft

posts: 317   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2011   ·   location: CA
id 5570200
default

emptyheart ( Member #18873) posted at 4:27 PM on Sunday, December 11th, 2011

bump for geneva

Me - BW, Him - WH
2 great kids that are my reason for living.
1st D-Day - March 28, 2008
False R for a year
2nd D-Day - April 11, 2009

posts: 1143   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2008
id 5578699
default

sudra ( Member #30143) posted at 4:06 AM on Monday, December 12th, 2011

bump

Me (BW) (58), Him(SAWH) (61)
Married 24 years, 1 son (22), 1 stepdaughter (30)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

posts: 1874   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2010
id 5579635
default

Twang ( Member #34121) posted at 4:38 AM on Monday, December 12th, 2011

Bump for L&B

Me the BS 54
WH 54
DDay of 1st OW 11-30-11
2nd DDay of 1st OW 2/25/12
DDay of 2nd OW 12-13-11
Rec: On my part Started 1/1/12
Hopefully mutually on 2/25/12
Starting over again on R 03-26-12

posts: 93   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 5579675
default

Twang ( Member #34121) posted at 4:40 AM on Monday, December 12th, 2011

What a great read for the end of the day! Wow powerful. Bless you!

Me the BS 54
WH 54
DDay of 1st OW 11-30-11
2nd DDay of 1st OW 2/25/12
DDay of 2nd OW 12-13-11
Rec: On my part Started 1/1/12
Hopefully mutually on 2/25/12
Starting over again on R 03-26-12

posts: 93   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 5579676
default

bufffalo ( Member #21854) posted at 6:13 AM on Friday, December 16th, 2011

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5587557
default

unarmbears ( Member #7480) posted at 4:05 AM on Sunday, December 18th, 2011

FBS-Me, 67
FWH-Him, 62
2 Sons 33 and 38
2 Daughters 36 & 31 And 5 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

posts: 4904   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2005   ·   location: From where the trees lean east...
id 5590973
default

Lost and Betraye ( Member #33988) posted at 4:42 AM on Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

bump

Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft

posts: 317   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2011   ·   location: CA
id 5594095
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210918 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy