Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

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NewTurn ( Member #26399) posted at 2:52 AM on Monday, August 8th, 2011

bump

BW-45
DDay too many to count! Many false R till final DDay Dec 5 2008
Divorced Feb 2009

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results!

posts: 51   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: Tx
id 5376310
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NewTurn ( Member #26399) posted at 4:31 AM on Tuesday, August 9th, 2011

bump

BW-45
DDay too many to count! Many false R till final DDay Dec 5 2008
Divorced Feb 2009

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results!

posts: 51   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: Tx
id 5378249
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bufffalo ( Member #21854) posted at 12:37 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2011

BUMP

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5379643
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 2:58 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5386545
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Llanden ( Member #10402) posted at 1:22 AM on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011

bump bumpity bump

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."

BS 41
DD's 20, 14 and 11

posts: 616   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2006   ·   location: New York
id 5388920
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 2:18 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2011

For (((exhaustedmum)))

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5401804
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 3:07 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2011

Bump

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5428176
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bumbed ( Member #31024) posted at 12:56 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

bump

I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening

posts: 471   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2011   ·   location: a better place in Michiagn
id 5434956
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Will-I-Ever-Know ( Member #32703) posted at 6:13 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2011

bump

Me BS: 26
Him FWH: 28
Together: 6 years

DDay #1 June 2010
Full blown 6 month long PA: OW was his 2nd Girlfriend.
Many DDays & TT for the rest of this year!
In R. :)

WARNING: I am long-winded. Sorry in advance. :)

posts: 159   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2011
id 5448463
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 2:44 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

adbat234

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5458666
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foundoutlater ( Member #32900) posted at 8:02 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

For me this was hard. I am just getting over being scared of losing her. I read a post that said to really look at what the worse thing for me would be. First answer was her leaving me. Then It went on to say that I should consider how i would feel sharing her (made my blood boil having someone ask me to think that) and for me they are right - that is far worse for me than not having her. Giving me some strength - thank you for that piece of wisdom (I was going to smilely but really can't bring myself to)

Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

posts: 1407   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2011
id 5459270
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sudra ( Member #30143) posted at 12:25 AM on Monday, October 3rd, 2011

bump

Me (BW) (58), Him(SAWH) (61)
Married 24 years, 1 son (22), 1 stepdaughter (30)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

posts: 1874   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2010
id 5465779
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rejectedluv ( Member #33495) posted at 12:59 AM on Monday, October 3rd, 2011

This post is very helpful. I am a little afraid to set boundaries though for fear he will leave again. He was gone for a week staying at a rented room. It was hell, because he wouldn't tell us where he was at-that is the most frustrating. He is moving his stuff back in tonight. We are in MC, but it is slow going. Has only been about 2 weeks since DDay. Conversation is strained obviously. So, I need to decide if this will be enough for me or not and I think boundaries will help, when I am able to state them without fear he will run.

all is well

posts: 211   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2011
id 5465815
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isadora ( Member #29130) posted at 2:55 AM on Monday, October 3rd, 2011

((rejectedluv))

You set the boundary because you deserve to be respected. Your WH is not respecting you. He is using the threat of leaving to manipulate the situation to his advantage.

Boundaries are healthy. Boundaries are necessary.

Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and 2DSs
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

posts: 4736   ·   registered: Jul. 24th, 2010   ·   location: Back home again in Indiana
id 5465983
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 3:12 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2011

Rejectedluv,

I need to decide if this will be enough for me or not and I think boundaries will help, when I am able to state them without fear he will run.

I agree with Isadora,

You set the boundary because you deserve to be respected

Your boundaries speak to how you want/expect to be treated. They are not situational, or have anything to do with if he will leave or not. They are for you to demonstrate how you expect to be treated by everyone, husband included. I wish you well, draw a line in the sand. Tell him you expect respect!

LHAP?

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5466476
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FacingReality ( New Member #33437) posted at 7:51 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2011

bump

posts: 22   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2011
id 5466947
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bufffalo ( Member #21854) posted at 5:39 AM on Thursday, October 13th, 2011

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5482444
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unarmbears ( Member #7480) posted at 3:40 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2011

bump

FBS-Me, 67
FWH-Him, 62
2 Sons 33 and 38
2 Daughters 36 & 31 And 5 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

posts: 4904   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2005   ·   location: From where the trees lean east...
id 5486293
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SouthernHeart ( New Member #33599) posted at 6:09 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2011

Thank you so much for this.

BS- Me- 27
WH- 32
married 6 years on Oct. 21
D-Day- Oct. 1, 2011
Children: boy age 5, girl age 4 and brand new baby girl born 11-10-11

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2011
id 5486416
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cupcakegirl ( Member #33594) posted at 6:29 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2011

Very good post! The part that really hit home for me is that WS tend to see boundaries as a threat. My WH does this. I am striving to sift out the co-dependent from my behaviors as well.

Working on boundaries w/IC right now!

Thanks again,

ccg

Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

posts: 246   ·   registered: Oct. 11th, 2011
id 5486426
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