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Newest Member: PeanutButterPixels

Just Found Out :
Tactical Primer


murky ( new member #57866) posted at 9:21 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2017

Thank you for this post. As someone who found out less than 24 hours ago, this is a somewhat emotional but necessary read.

Me: BH 36
Her: WW 37
No children
DDay: March 15/2017
Current mood: Lost

posts: 18   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2017
id 7810663

oceanluv ( member #57247) posted at 7:28 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2017

I love this post-so empowering...wish I found SI after DDAy -took me 3 months!

Me-BS 50
Him-WS 51
3 ONS FWB 2012-present
LTA 3 yrs
DDAy 11-26-16
DD 12 DS 13
15 years married
Bc often , the broken people we find and fall in love with and help heal wind up being ourselves.

posts: 133   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2017
id 7812317

Janemac2 ( new member #58033) posted at 1:09 AM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2017

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:24 PM, March 28th (Tuesday)]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2017   ·   location: Uk
id 7821493

MaryAnne2017 ( new member #58602) posted at 2:22 AM on Monday, May 8th, 2017

I have been married 30 years. 4 adult children. Day 27-Apr-17. I found my husband on a dating website. WS doesn't seem to think this was cheating because he's done nothing ..... yet. I feel crushed.

posts: 1   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 7858066

VV55 ( new member #59276) posted at 6:42 PM on Sunday, June 25th, 2017

Such wise words - I have just found out and found this so useful.


posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 19th, 2017
id 7901179

littledoyouknow ( new member #59662) posted at 3:39 AM on Saturday, July 15th, 2017

This was very helpful!!

BW (33), WH (33)
EA/PA D-Day: 6/10/17
T: 16 years M: 9
DD: 7 DS: 4
Reconciling: MC, IC, EMDR

posts: 37   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2017   ·   location: WA
id 7919288

Californiapoppy ( new member #59691) posted at 11:43 AM on Monday, July 17th, 2017

Thank you! This is very helpful. I am in a stage right now of "Fuck it, I don't want to work on this even if he is remorseful. That might change, but maybe not.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2017
id 7920701

acidbhurnn ( new member #59717) posted at 11:27 PM on Tuesday, July 18th, 2017

found out last month my husband has been cheating on me for almost a year now. we are living in different states due to our jobs and our toddler stays with me. i thought we were doing well with our long distance setup as we were planning to be back together later this year.

i confronted him about the OW picture on facebook. my husband's facebook is linked on mine and our status shows married. his facebook is never linked to the OW. imagine my surprise when i saw her facebook profile pic - it's her and my husband. he denied everything and turned the tables back on me, making me feel like it's all my fault and trust issues.

we talked and i let it go at that time and i did a little bit more digging. found some more evidence that they are living together since last year and is currently planning to lease a house together. he has a dating profile. and he also meets up with women on craigslist.

confronted him again last weekend and told him i'm done. haven't talked to him eversince. he was sending me text messages if i wanted divorce and that i can tell him what i want him to do. i ignored him. he didn't get any reaction from me.

i dropped a note to OW telling her that my husband is still married to me and she can do what she wants with that info. never heard from her though. my husband still goes home to her and i recently discovered that his dating profile is active again and he's messaging women like crazy.

yes all of that happening while he is currently living with his AP and still married to his wife.

i already started looking for a divorce lawyer. as much as i loved my husband, i can't deal with this anymore.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2017
id 7922376

Ihateusernames ( new member #59732) posted at 3:09 PM on Wednesday, July 19th, 2017

I need advice please

Married 12 years husband working abroad home after 3 years for good .

Have discovered almost complete time away he has been involved with a woman he used to work with , although they were in different countries this was full on explicit.

He also visited her when he came home to his family though after kissing ran out as guilt was too much she has confirmed this.

The relationship is now over with no contact for 9 months he wants to be wth me and has provided complete disclosure and transparency.

I'm finding it hard to accept what he has done

Is this marriage over please help me

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2017
id 7922933

suddenlyisee ( member #32689) posted at 3:28 PM on Wednesday, July 19th, 2017

Welcome and sorry you're here.

You'll find lots of great tools, support and advice her.

I'd suggest reposting your first post as a 'new topic' in the 'just found out forum'.

Semi-pro BS in R

posts: 493   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2011   ·   location: Michigan
id 7922944

hurtbutresilient ( member #55680) posted at 4:36 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2017


So sorry you are facing such devastating news. It seems like your mind is set that R is almost impossible given the AP AND the dating. Still, I encourage you to post this in "Just Found Out" as you will get lots of support there. Make sure you read in The Healing Library, especially as you need to make sure both your and your child's needs are taken care of. After you are healed from this trauma, and PISD is a real trauma, then and only then, can you look at the whys of the A to improve any future relationships, including this one if you choose to try R.

posts: 136   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: East Coast
id 7929763

hurtbutresilient ( member #55680) posted at 4:40 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2017

Ihateusernames So sorry you are facing such devastating news. I encourage you to post this in "Just Found Out" as you will get much more support there. Also, read about the 180 and other topics in The Healing Library before you decide to either separate or try to reconcile. Much strength to you.

posts: 136   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: East Coast
id 7929769

hurtbutresilient ( member #55680) posted at 4:45 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2017


I noticed that nobody has responded to your post made so many months ago. I hope this reaches you and you find it helpful. So sorry you are facing such devastating news.

Your husband has put into motion his desire to have A, so even if no fish have taken the bait, that is what he thinks he "deserves". My own WH was a cake-eater full of entitlement (a wife AND a young lover is what all successful men have ...).

I encourage you to post in "Just Found Out" as you will get much more support there. It took me a while to realize that is where we should all start. Also, read about the 180 and other topics in The Healing Library before you decide to either separate or try to reconcile. Much strength to you.

posts: 136   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: East Coast
id 7929773

Matt633 ( new member #59921) posted at 6:39 AM on Monday, July 31st, 2017

I wish I was armed with these vital & practical information 3 years ago.

I have hit some and missed so many of the pointers given here due to my unstable thinking at that time even though I tried I still failed to be composed, but with God's grace I did not fall into the trap of committing a crime of passion.

and for a guy (machismo culture)to be on the receiving end it hurts so much emotionally, by far the worst feeling I've felt.

I felt so alone and helpless that I cannot share it with my own family to keep my life testimony and the fact that I really love my wife I'm still protecting her image to my family.

I was forced to explain the real messy situation on my 12yr old son and he was also forced to mature and face adult problems at an early age.

now it's been 1 year since I moved out from our house with my son to protect my self from the emotional torture of living with someone who doesn't give a F

I still love my wife, I am wroth with her deed and attitude. Now i understand how it is have an agape love - loving the unlovable and my enemies.

my desire is to forgive them (as i was also forgiven) and I know that it's inevitable as a christian but my flesh weak so it's a constant battle within me to be carnal or o be spiritual.

so far by God's grace in my life the sting of betrayal becomes lesser and lesser with each passing day.

one day at a time

Me: BH 38
Her: WW 37
1 child
DDay: Jan 02/2015
Current mood: surviving

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2017   ·   location: Middle East
id 7932696

worrywart ( new member #60020) posted at 1:27 AM on Sunday, August 6th, 2017

Thank you so much for sharing such great information ? You have now given me a sense of direction. I have been losing my mind figuring out the best way in dealing with the A. Now I know not to be too quick in making a decision.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Aug. 6th, 2017
id 7938390

Janie2 ( new member #60438) posted at 4:35 PM on Thursday, August 31st, 2017

I am so glad to find this forum! It has been 10 months since D day. My life is still a total mess. Getting finally a little better but I could never have imagined the pain and devastation my husband's affairs could cause. Nor did I ever imagne he could betray me.

Cannot trust him. Everything could be a lie. He had two 2 year affairs with women he found on Craigslist. Skanky yeah.

We have since then moved and his last affair ended 2 1/2 years ago.

Glad to see I am not alone in this craziness.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2017   ·   location: Virginia, USA
id 7961266

TornAndFrayed ( member #60499) posted at 4:06 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2017

Very helpful information, wish I had seen this earlier.

Me- 53

Her - 47

Married 12 years, together 14

6 children between us (none of our marriage)

DDay 6/19/17 (day after Fathers Day)

status - working on reconciliation with intense weekly MT


posts: 54   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2017
id 7970779

runsmiley ( member #33572) posted at 7:54 PM on Wednesday, October 18th, 2017

This post was so helpful. I'm on Dd#2 and floundering.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2011   ·   location: PA
id 8002162

January2222 ( member #61519) posted at 5:59 PM on Saturday, November 25th, 2017

Ive had,suspicions that my husband is cheating. Lying working late refusing to show me proof of working late. Changing his bank statement to paperless and say he forgot he did this. Looked,at adult finder years ago...scent of a wmen on his. Not spending time with me or our son Volunteer work. This week fifteen hours. Volunteering on thanksgiving. On his return on thanksgiving would notlet me kiss or hug him. Pulled away. He said im crazy. And when he gets confronted he gets angry at me

posts: 96   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2017
id 8032513

January2222 ( member #61519) posted at 7:32 PM on Monday, November 27th, 2017

Im tring to be rational,but while in the middle of this i am not sure im thinking clearly. My husband pressed me about why i was at dr. I told him std checkup and he said you will find out then i didnt do anything. I had herpes hiv syphilis chlamydia and hep b and c dond also hpv. Everything came back normal,but this does not mean he didnt do anything. I still feel like i have and infection. Are there any other sdt tests i need.

I am finqncially dependend on him which sucks. Im thinking ofvdriving for uber because of the flexability and to gsin some financial freedom....

posts: 96   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2017
id 8033678
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