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Newest Member: Issyibbitt

Just Found Out :
Tactical Primer


Ksm44 ( new member #50768) posted at 8:17 PM on Wednesday, December 30th, 2015

Right ON

posts: 31   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2015   ·   location: St. Louis MO
id 7434740

WiseGirl19 ( new member #51884) posted at 1:17 AM on Saturday, February 20th, 2016

You give me hope. Thank you for such an insightful post. It's a slow road but I'll get there...with or without my WS.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Maryland
id 7484256

TheWinoAndIknow ( new member #51931) posted at 11:01 PM on Monday, February 22nd, 2016

This hits the mark on all levels - thank you! Exactly what I need right now.

(me) BH: 51
(her)WW: 49
DDay: 02/18/2016

posts: 17   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: Florida
id 7486534

bbyg98 ( member #51580) posted at 7:36 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2016

WOWW awesome post!!

I ripped off the bandaid and I am free at last! :) Thank god & SI😋

posts: 121   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2016   ·   location: USA
id 7511002

sicatrose ( member #52243) posted at 2:08 AM on Saturday, March 26th, 2016

Thanks so much for this. I already see I am making mistakes, like belittling and bringing up the affair during unrelated arguments. I know it is wrong and I am trying, but sometimes I just want him to hurt like he hurt me. We tried MC and it was a disaster. I felt like I was being attacked by our therapist, like it was my fault my husband had a 2 year EA/PA with a drug addict/prostitute. I don't know if I want to to try again with a new therapist. I am on an emotional roller-coaster but trying my best to take the advice of others who have been there.

Better to be hurt by truth, than comforted with a lie.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2016   ·   location: United States
id 7512676

ShivaAteMyHeart ( new member #52730) posted at 5:58 PM on Thursday, April 14th, 2016

It would seem I have failed at some of the tent poles of R and beg your advice on what to do now:

"- Avoid spending too much time together to try and force recovery."

- My H and I share a car, cellphone at the moment, and spend literally every moment besides work between 9-5 together and have for over 10 years. The A was a ONS b4 we were married that he told me about in anger (though he says he regrets doing it that way)

"- A. Don’t just try to move forward and forget – this issue must be addressed although not the exclusion of everyday life.

- B. Avoid bringing up the affair repeatedly for anything not related to the affair, and do not belittle your spouse."

- These two are a paradox for me. In trying to not rugsweep (A) I seem to do B repeatedly when what happened was 10 years ago and my H has said he has told me all he can remember from this one episode (I can confirm at least that it was not an ongoing thing and trust that I do not delude myself, quite the contrary, I pain shop and belittle when he could of taken this to his grave. I feel like our situation is different so maybe I'm not asking the right questions? We spend quite literally every moment besides work together (bad I know) though I want to do A and take a step back but am worried he'll see that as me pushing away which I believe in his mind will cause a divide between us similar to what allowed the ONS to happen in the first place when we were BF/GF 10 years ago. He says we are married now so its different but I call BS.

Do any wayward spouses truly believe that things that happened b4 marriage are negligible? Or that if 1 thing did happen and that brought so much guilt that it never happened again and they were quasi-good as a result then maybe it mitigates the betrayal?

During this time is when it happened, we literally spent 5 nights at most apart though so it kills me cuz I knew something was off then. We have lived together (with my family) most of these 11 years excluding 2 months, 9 months into our relationship when this ONS occurred. I hesitate to tell my full story but the implications behind a lot of what happened then speaks volumes still I think. My H keeps saying he was a dumb kid, yet at the time we met he was living by himself at 16/17 and sure acted/boasted that he was an adult.

Sorry for rambling. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

"One of the tools of hypnotherapy to manage pain is directing the subject to make the pain worse so he or she can also learn to lessen the aching and thus acquire control." Michael Newton. Journey of Souls: Case Studies of Life Between Lives

posts: 24   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2016
id 7529280

October18 ( new member #52552) posted at 3:14 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2016

I wish I had read this post 6 months ago. Thank you for posting!

posts: 5   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2016   ·   location: New Jersey
id 7538137

Playedforfool ( member #53208) posted at 10:25 PM on Sunday, May 15th, 2016

I'm happy I found this site four days after I cought my wife and AP together. The advice I have received and the healing library are very helpful.

posts: 107   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2016   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 7557141

Morris ( member #52717) posted at 5:18 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2016

I do not see how they affair down when they , themselves, are already the dregs. Maybe relative to the BS they have affaired down, but water seeks its own level.

posts: 213   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2016
id 7606378

Brisee ( member #54540) posted at 1:12 AM on Thursday, August 11th, 2016

Thank you! That really helps. It doesn't stop the pain but helps me believe that I will make it, however the outcome.

Me: bs 43 wh: 43 together 22 years, married 19.
3 dd
D day 1: July 19th 2016 PA lasted two months
D day 2: July 20th 2017 EA with best friend's wife. H moving with ow. Separated...

posts: 172   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2016   ·   location: Montreal, Canada
id 7630907

AllButGone ( new member #53847) posted at 1:11 PM on Sunday, October 2nd, 2016

I wish I had had this information years ago when I first found anything out. #5 would have been especially helpful. I really raised some hell but I am no longer that person. I have managed to get control of my anger.

Me- BS 43
Him- WS 40
12 years
1st DD- Spring of 2009 and 5 years into our relationship
Subsequent DDs- I'm not good with dates and was still reeling from the first DD. Nothing but TT except for one.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2016
id 7675818

Somedaymaybe1 ( new member #55529) posted at 2:56 AM on Monday, October 10th, 2016

Thank you so much. He keeps blaming me and is more worried about his reputation than me. It is a relief to see this is normal behavior. Does it ever get better though? Does the WS ever get past this? How?

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 8th, 2016   ·   location: AK
id 7681427

Pinklady ( new member #55546) posted at 4:11 PM on Tuesday, October 11th, 2016

Wow what a great support system thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and ideas this will help me get through this thank you so much I will answer each and everyone of you

I'm still trying to figure out how to answer people so bear with me I'm reading as much as I can but thank you all for your support

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Nevada
id 7682360

Pinklady ( new member #55546) posted at 4:13 PM on Tuesday, October 11th, 2016

Wow what a great support system thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and ideas this will help me get through this thank you so much I will answer each and everyone of you

I'm still trying to figure out how to answer people so bear with me I'm reading as much as I can but thank you all for your support

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Nevada
id 7682363

Nooneleft ( member #55589) posted at 9:39 PM on Thursday, October 13th, 2016

Thank you... I have made many mistakes through this... my anger definitely got the best of me... I have many regrets. Not proud moments.

But I am trying. 7 days later... after learning about not 1 but 2 women... I have come here after a Google search.

And have a ic today.

This site has been my lifeline for 24 hours

These are pages of my book I never intended to write...
Me: 34
WH: 37
3 amazing kids 18, 16 and 12!
undecided future.

posts: 466   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2016   ·   location: Victoria
id 7684267

brokenhurtalaska ( member #55618) posted at 12:39 AM on Tuesday, October 18th, 2016

I keep rereading this post. It is excellent.

Me - BS, 39
D-Day 1 EA = 10/25/2012, D-Day 2 PA = 6/10/2016, R-Day = 7/10/2016, D-Day 3 EA = 9/27/2016 (EA ongoing), D-Day 4 PA = 10/18/2016
2 DD
1 DS
D? Happening as we speak

posts: 130   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2016
id 7686967

hurtbutresilient ( member #55680) posted at 7:18 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

So happy I found you! My D-day was yesterday uncovered by an abnormal Pap smear that showed HPV infection (follow up STD tests in two days).As I have only been intimate with my husband (married 35 years), there was no doubt my husband had been unfaithful.

Needless to say, the last 26 hours have been a roller coaster. He cancelled his patients and came home and we spent hours talking. Finally confessed he had visited a massage parlor. I went to a woman's college, so the thought of him shackling with a prostitute is beyond repugnant to me, as is his confession he regularly uses porn.

What will be most difficult for me to regain is respect for him, essential for a reconciliation (as will be his own self-respect). I can sift through information and educate myself, but this is very raw. Fortunately, I found a therapist that might be able to help clear the thicket. As most of my friends are "couple" friends or live in another country, I know I will need all the support I can get.

posts: 136   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: East Coast
id 7688504

burcm ( member #55812) posted at 2:02 AM on Saturday, October 29th, 2016

I am soo happy to have found this site. It is like therapy and helps so much with my current emotional states. Thank you very much.

Divorced the XWW and remarried to a wonderful woman much higher in both quality and beauty.

posts: 301   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Istanbul
id 7695798

burcm ( member #55812) posted at 11:21 AM on Monday, October 31st, 2016

Terrific post. I know that I do pursue some of the advice here (unknowingly, in fact - and now I know) and yet I see there is more to pay attention to. Thank you so much.

Divorced the XWW and remarried to a wonderful woman much higher in both quality and beauty.

posts: 301   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Istanbul
id 7696952

Badblood ( new member #56832) posted at 6:06 AM on Thursday, January 12th, 2017

My WH confirmed an A that happened 27 yrs ago while we were engaged. He finally told me 5 months ago after 27 yrs of lying to my face every time I asked about it. I knew something happened back then and I could never let it go. Every so often over the years, something would trigger me and I would bring it up, just to be made to feel I was crazy. Now, after 5 months of learning most of the truth, he is getting frustrated with me for not being able to let it go. I've explained I need time and how confused I am about this relationship and he said he understood. Now he says he can't live like this. He wants to be with me but he feels like he's on a chopping block just waiting for the axe to fall. I dealt with emotional torture for 27 years and after 5 months, he can't take it!? Hes walking around here moping and sad when I'm the one who was betrayed all these years. I want to tell him to just leave but I'm trying to be rational. Me feeling sorry for him and caving in had worked for him in the past. Not this time.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017   ·   location: Nevada
id 7754763
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