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Tactical Primer

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murky posted 3/16/2017 15:21 PM

Thank you for this post. As someone who found out less than 24 hours ago, this is a somewhat emotional but necessary read.

oceanluv posted 3/18/2017 13:28 PM

I love this post-so empowering...wish I found SI after DDAy -took me 3 months!

Janemac2 posted 3/28/2017 19:09 PM

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:24 PM, March 28th (Tuesday)]

MaryAnne2017 posted 5/7/2017 20:22 PM

I have been married 30 years. 4 adult children. Day 27-Apr-17. I found my husband on a dating website. WS doesn't seem to think this was cheating because he's done nothing ..... yet. I feel crushed.

VV55 posted 6/25/2017 12:42 PM

Such wise words - I have just found out and found this so useful.

littledoyouknow posted 7/14/2017 21:39 PM

This was very helpful!!

Californiapoppy posted 7/17/2017 05:43 AM

Thank you! This is very helpful. I am in a stage right now of "Fuck it, I don't want to work on this even if he is remorseful. That might change, but maybe not.

acidbhurnn posted 7/18/2017 17:27 PM

found out last month my husband has been cheating on me for almost a year now. we are living in different states due to our jobs and our toddler stays with me. i thought we were doing well with our long distance setup as we were planning to be back together later this year.

i confronted him about the OW picture on facebook. my husband's facebook is linked on mine and our status shows married. his facebook is never linked to the OW. imagine my surprise when i saw her facebook profile pic - it's her and my husband. he denied everything and turned the tables back on me, making me feel like it's all my fault and trust issues.

we talked and i let it go at that time and i did a little bit more digging. found some more evidence that they are living together since last year and is currently planning to lease a house together. he has a dating profile. and he also meets up with women on craigslist.

confronted him again last weekend and told him i'm done. haven't talked to him eversince. he was sending me text messages if i wanted divorce and that i can tell him what i want him to do. i ignored him. he didn't get any reaction from me.

i dropped a note to OW telling her that my husband is still married to me and she can do what she wants with that info. never heard from her though. my husband still goes home to her and i recently discovered that his dating profile is active again and he's messaging women like crazy.

yes all of that happening while he is currently living with his AP and still married to his wife.

i already started looking for a divorce lawyer. as much as i loved my husband, i can't deal with this anymore.

Ihateusernames posted 7/19/2017 09:09 AM

I need advice please

Married 12 years husband working abroad home after 3 years for good .
Have discovered almost complete time away he has been involved with a woman he used to work with , although they were in different countries this was full on explicit.
He also visited her when he came home to his family though after kissing ran out as guilt was too much she has confirmed this.
The relationship is now over with no contact for 9 months he wants to be wth me and has provided complete disclosure and transparency.
I'm finding it hard to accept what he has done
Is this marriage over please help me

suddenlyisee posted 7/19/2017 09:28 AM

Welcome and sorry you're here.
You'll find lots of great tools, support and advice her.
I'd suggest reposting your first post as a 'new topic' in the 'just found out forum'.

hurtbutresilient posted 7/27/2017 10:36 AM

So sorry you are facing such devastating news. It seems like your mind is set that R is almost impossible given the AP AND the dating. Still, I encourage you to post this in "Just Found Out" as you will get lots of support there. Make sure you read in The Healing Library, especially as you need to make sure both your and your child's needs are taken care of. After you are healed from this trauma, and PISD is a real trauma, then and only then, can you look at the whys of the A to improve any future relationships, including this one if you choose to try R.

hurtbutresilient posted 7/27/2017 10:40 AM

Ihateusernames So sorry you are facing such devastating news. I encourage you to post this in "Just Found Out" as you will get much more support there. Also, read about the 180 and other topics in The Healing Library before you decide to either separate or try to reconcile. Much strength to you.

hurtbutresilient posted 7/27/2017 10:45 AM

I noticed that nobody has responded to your post made so many months ago. I hope this reaches you and you find it helpful. So sorry you are facing such devastating news.
Your husband has put into motion his desire to have A, so even if no fish have taken the bait, that is what he thinks he "deserves". My own WH was a cake-eater full of entitlement (a wife AND a young lover is what all successful men have ...).

I encourage you to post in "Just Found Out" as you will get much more support there. It took me a while to realize that is where we should all start. Also, read about the 180 and other topics in The Healing Library before you decide to either separate or try to reconcile. Much strength to you.

Matt633 posted 7/31/2017 00:39 AM

I wish I was armed with these vital & practical information 3 years ago.

I have hit some and missed so many of the pointers given here due to my unstable thinking at that time even though I tried I still failed to be composed, but with God's grace I did not fall into the trap of committing a crime of passion.

and for a guy (machismo culture)to be on the receiving end it hurts so much emotionally, by far the worst feeling I've felt.

I felt so alone and helpless that I cannot share it with my own family to keep my life testimony and the fact that I really love my wife I'm still protecting her image to my family.

I was forced to explain the real messy situation on my 12yr old son and he was also forced to mature and face adult problems at an early age.

now it's been 1 year since I moved out from our house with my son to protect my self from the emotional torture of living with someone who doesn't give a F

I still love my wife, I am wroth with her deed and attitude. Now i understand how it is have an agape love - loving the unlovable and my enemies.

my desire is to forgive them (as i was also forgiven) and I know that it's inevitable as a christian but my flesh weak so it's a constant battle within me to be carnal or o be spiritual.

so far by God's grace in my life the sting of betrayal becomes lesser and lesser with each passing day.

one day at a time

worrywart posted 8/5/2017 19:27 PM

Thank you so much for sharing such great information ? You have now given me a sense of direction. I have been losing my mind figuring out the best way in dealing with the A. Now I know not to be too quick in making a decision.

Janie2 posted 8/31/2017 10:35 AM

I am so glad to find this forum! It has been 10 months since D day. My life is still a total mess. Getting finally a little better but I could never have imagined the pain and devastation my husband's affairs could cause. Nor did I ever imagne he could betray me.
Cannot trust him. Everything could be a lie. He had two 2 year affairs with women he found on Craigslist. Skanky yeah.
We have since then moved and his last affair ended 2 1/2 years ago.

Glad to see I am not alone in this craziness.

TornAndFrayed posted 9/12/2017 10:06 AM

Very helpful information, wish I had seen this earlier.

Me- 53
Her - 47
Married 12 years, together 14
6 children between us (none of our marriage)
DDay 6/19/17 (day after Fathers Day)
status - working on reconciliation with intense weekly MT

runsmiley posted 10/18/2017 13:54 PM

This post was so helpful. I'm on Dd#2 and floundering.

January2222 posted 11/25/2017 11:59 AM

Ive had,suspicions that my husband is cheating. Lying working late refusing to show me proof of working late. Changing his bank statement to paperless and say he forgot he did this. Looked,at adult finder years ago...scent of a wmen on his. Not spending time with me or our son Volunteer work. This week fifteen hours. Volunteering on thanksgiving. On his return on thanksgiving would notlet me kiss or hug him. Pulled away. He said im crazy. And when he gets confronted he gets angry at me

January2222 posted 11/27/2017 13:32 PM

Im tring to be rational,but while in the middle of this i am not sure im thinking clearly. My husband pressed me about why i was at dr. I told him std checkup and he said you will find out then i didnt do anything. I had herpes hiv syphilis chlamydia and hep b and c dond also hpv. Everything came back normal,but this does not mean he didnt do anything. I still feel like i have and infection. Are there any other sdt tests i need.

I am finqncially dependend on him which sucks. Im thinking ofvdriving for uber because of the flexability and to gsin some financial freedom....

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