Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
Tactical Primer

smile1

TwoHearts ( member #20647) posted at 2:57 PM on Friday, September 26th, 2008

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

Great help, even to those of us who have been around here for a while. The only thought I had about what else might help is the time line quote from the healing library.

What you said was very helpful and when I combined it with the general time lines experienced by BS's it really helped put it all in perspective. Like you said, a general tactical process that might help newbies know what to expect and how to deal with it.

Well Said,

Thanks Again

1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

posts: 686   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2008   ·   location: 2nd Place
id 3305586
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 SerJR (original poster member #14993) posted at 5:37 PM on Monday, September 29th, 2008

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

posts: 18506   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2007   ·   location: Further North than South
id 3309718
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 SerJR (original poster member #14993) posted at 4:12 PM on Thursday, October 9th, 2008

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

posts: 18506   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2007   ·   location: Further North than South
id 3331033
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twopercenter ( member #17024) posted at 9:46 AM on Monday, October 13th, 2008

I wish I had been able to read this two years ago.

posts: 275   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2007
id 3338478
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tractorgirl ( member #21226) posted at 2:01 PM on Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

bump

BS=me, late 30's
FWH=him, early 40's
Married 15 years
OW=19 yrs old
2 boys: 12 & 9, wonderful!!
Reconciling

posts: 1368   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2008   ·   location: nebraska
id 3343604
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DownNotOut ( member #10076) posted at 2:10 PM on Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

Even though I am over 2 years out from initial dday your primer is still a very useful tool.

Thanks SerJR for putting it together and putting it out here for all the newbies (and oldtimers).

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow

posts: 1606   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2006   ·   location: Unemployed and Hating It
id 3343620
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toohurt ( member #21245) posted at 2:22 PM on Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

As I have 'just found out', this is the most important piece of information I have found to date anywhere on the internet. Even my counselor hasn't been this much help.

Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Be the kind of person your dog thinks you are...

10/24-What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That better be damn true.

posts: 2919   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2008   ·   location: Michigan
id 3343641
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keeks ( member #10814) posted at 2:59 PM on Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

Ser GREAT JOB!!!! This should be either in the healing library or my preference at the top of this forum....Just a hint mods...

posts: 371   ·   registered: May. 26th, 2006
id 3343730
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hurtingstudent ( member #17432) posted at 12:13 PM on Friday, October 24th, 2008

Bumping back to the top for new members.

If epilepsy has touched your life, or for more information visit:

for support & info: www.epilepsy.com
for info & research: www.epilepsyfoundation.com
to track seizures: www.trackseizures.com

posts: 4507   ·   registered: Dec. 18th, 2007   ·   location: indiana
id 3363168
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 SerJR (original poster member #14993) posted at 12:35 AM on Saturday, October 25th, 2008

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

posts: 18506   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2007   ·   location: Further North than South
id 3364809
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tractorgirl ( member #21226) posted at 2:02 PM on Monday, October 27th, 2008

bump

BS=me, late 30's
FWH=him, early 40's
Married 15 years
OW=19 yrs old
2 boys: 12 & 9, wonderful!!
Reconciling

posts: 1368   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2008   ·   location: nebraska
id 3368779
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jjct ( member #17484) posted at 12:13 PM on Wednesday, October 29th, 2008

btt

posts: 7269   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2007   ·   location: texas
id 3373713
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Behindthemask ( new member #21522) posted at 5:20 PM on Friday, November 7th, 2008

Im glad LostatSea4 sent me this link. This really is a good thing to look over. Thank you

D-Day: October 31,2008
In counseling, trying to Reconcile
9 years married, together 13
Me (BS): 36
Her: 32
Children: 5 & 6
WS: On the Fence
Two steps behind the mask

posts: 18   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2008
id 3394427
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woundedby2 ( member #18522) posted at 1:06 PM on Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

Bumping for the new, hurting ones.

In 2010 I divorced the NPD assclown who cheated on me with my best friend.

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

posts: 8027   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2008   ·   location: SoCal
id 3404042
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mella_love ( new member #21579) posted at 2:14 PM on Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

Wow ... I'm really glad that I saw this. Its been three months since my d-day and I'm still so lost.

I just joined SI the other day. I've just been reading everything in the Library (along with some of these posts) and I already feel better.

So thank you.

ML

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
- Unknown

posts: 4   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2008   ·   location: Florida
id 3404197
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HoBeGone ( new member #21567) posted at 3:25 PM on Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

THIS is absolutely amazingly perfectly well stated and needs to be seen/read by EVERY SINGLE BS!!

Thank you for posting this AND to everyone who replied ..

Me - 35F - BS - Smart, Beautiful, Faithful
Him - 29M - WS - Asshole, Diagnosed Sex Addict
Son - 5
Together 7.5 years, Married 5.5 years


posts: 31   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2008
id 3404384
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LostatSea4 ( member #21497) posted at 4:02 PM on Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

I am really happy it helped you BehindtheMask. It helped me a lot too when Ser put it up on one of my posts!

Thanks Ser.

R takes not one but two!
BS-me WS-him
Too many to talk about.

posts: 992   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2008   ·   location: SE
id 3404476
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soldieron ( member #21466) posted at 11:11 PM on Thursday, November 13th, 2008

bump

when there's nothing left to burn
you have to set yourself on fire

posts: 81   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2008   ·   location: pacific northwest
id 3407898
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 SerJR (original poster member #14993) posted at 10:42 PM on Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

posts: 18506   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2007   ·   location: Further North than South
id 3434696
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Missjane ( member #19244) posted at 1:29 AM on Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

this should be a must reread before joining the club nobody ever wanted to be a part of...

then again, it could be in inspirations, the healing library, and reconcillation....

glad I stumbled upon it...

Me - 32
WS - 38
D - 5
Together 14years, Married 9
Dday - To many to count
Divorce Papers Filed 05/08/2009
09/2009 - Divorce on hold. Attempting R. Things are looking up, the fog appears to have lifted.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2008   ·   location: Northeast
id 3435050
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