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I remember saying those words often during June throughout these 12 years since Dday...I HATE JUNE. My H had his A while working overseas. His A started around the middle of May and ended the day he left her country around the middle of July...68 days total. But in June my H talked to the adultery co-conspirator every single day. So EVERY DAY in June my H had some kind of contact with the adultery co-conspirator.

What a trigger this month was!! After Dday I made calendars for the three months of A season and put down as many details as I could for each day. Because of all of the expense reports...time stamped receipts...google timeline...etc...I could practically tell how long they were together. It was excruciating to see it all laid out...but I knew I had to know as much as I could in order to tackle this BEAST. I was going to FIGHT...for ME...and in order to do that I needed to know what I was up against.

My H helped fill in the rest. We went through all of the information together that I had gathered...and this would give him insight into what was happening on a particular day. I actually found out about the google timeline a few years after Dday...and except for a few dates that were a little mixed up...I was pleasantly surprised to be able to corroborate everything that my H had told me from his memory. Well...pleasantly surprised is NOT how I felt when I first saw his movements on the google timeline !! But as the years rolled by I have come to see that my H really was trying to help my mental state after he destroyed it...even though it was personally devastating to him to relive something that he saw as the WORST thing he ever did in his life.

I remember how I dreaded this month the most in the years that followed. Especially since I had 2 medical procedures during June while he was having his A. I travel with my H on the projects he works on...and was even in that country before having to go back to the United States for a family emergency. Since I was already back in the United States...an opportunity came up for me to have a few medical procedures done that I had been putting off because of our travels. My H was supposed to go to another country later in the year...and I needed to get myself healthy in order to go with him. He was so supportive about me taking care of myself for a change (his words)...and it encouraged me to get these long overdue procedures done. Of course...after I found out that he was having an A...and me going to meet him instead of having these procedures would have meant he had to end his A...his "supportive" words would later come to haunt me. Sadly...for me...June would always be a month of HELL.

Except...it isn't . Even though the consensus on here is that it takes about 2-5 years to heal...it took me about 7 years. I am a little slow I guess !! I would like to say I was thorough ! We are now in a different place...a different project...and much to my surprise...June 1st this year already came and went !! WOW!! I mean...I knew when June 1st was...but I didn't even think about it being JUNE that I used to hate so much!! One more thing I have healed from...and I'll take it !!!

Honestly...I started feeling sad when I realized it was JUNE...but also honestly...that feeling didn't last long . We are going to be going home in the next few days...and we will be having a get together with our kids and family...and that is something I am definitely looking forward to !! There is so much MORE to our life together than just the 68 days of the A. And truth be told...before my realization about this being June...I was actually ENJOYING this new place where we will be for a bit . I am going to dwell on what IS rather than what WAS...or I would waste THIS time together thinking about something that happened YEARS ago. WHY would I do that??!!

Well...I DID do that...for YEARS. Looking back...it was part of my healing process so I can't say that it was a waste. Our brains are pretty amazing...and my lizard brain...or limbic system...needed time to HEAL from the trauma. I would come on here and write what had happened during my H's A...it was cathartic . We haven't told anyone about my H's A...so the lovely people on here endured my writings so that I could get it out of my head and into the posts I made .

The AWESOME people on this site became like family to me . One day my Lil Bro challenged me to just STOP writing the details down. He was right...and I am very THANKFUL that he encouraged me to quit posting EVERY...SINGLE...DETAIL. I was making ruts in my neural pathways that kept me reliving the awful details over and over...and over again. So here I am today...looking forward to what June has in store for me !!

What brought me here today is something I read . God has been very IMPORTANT in my healing...the MOST important actually. What I read today brought back how supportive He was in my healing process as well! The devil thought he had me...and I did get very ANGRY at God at first. But thankfully it didn't last long and I have been truly BLESSED during this whole healing process and beyond ! This helped me today when I started feeling down...and maybe it might help one of y'all too .

Satan got Adam and Eve to focus on one fruit when God had given them a whole garden. That's how he works. He gets you to focus on the one thing you don't have instead of all the blessings you do have. Trust that God knows what you need and will supply it when you need it.

Good to hear an update Cuz!! If I can credit one member here for dealing with triggers, it's you. I had forgotten we have an overlapping A Season. When I saw this title I was reminded "Its June!!, shouldn't I be feeling something? The thing is, her A started June 30 with a stranger from a bar, she spent the 4th of July with her new AP. The next 4th I was numb, I'm just going to lay around and do nothing, how can I celebrate? I got talked into going to a neighbors cook out with some of their friends from out of town. We had a blast with these new friends. The next year we did it again and planned a couple weeks before, the year after like clockwork we all enjoyed the 4th.

Now when I hear 4th of July, my first thought is "what are we doing?". I look forward to it every year. The main lesson I learned from you is to own those dates, make memories, claim those places, take my Wife to that bar so she experience leaving with a real man.

Hope all is well and thank you for your contribution to my healing.

God must really love that "Lil Bro" who challenged you all those years ago.

Tanner...hey Couzann ! Those triggers can sure be something else Cuz!! I am happy that your healing is going well by OWNING those triggers ! I sure like that one about you bringing your sweet wife to that bar...very cool Cuz ! Oh man...I was determined I was going to OWN every trigger !! I REFUSED to let triggers OWN me!! Now I have memories to combat those triggers. It worked very well for me and I am so HAPPY it worked for you too !!! Each of our A's...although different...had a lot of similarities to them. I really appreciate all of the help and advice YOU gave me along the way as well .

July 4th was a pretty bad trigger for me too. But...there's always a "but" ...once I OWNED July 4th...I could then ENJOY that holiday again . This year will be an AWESOME July 4th...our country's 250th birthday!! We will be celebrating in the United States this year...and like you...I am really looking forward to that day !!

Unhinged...God really LOVES my Lil Bro...and your Big Sis does too !! You put me into panic mode with that challenge ...but after thinking about it...it made sense ! It turned out to be one of the BEST things I did...and I am very grateful that you cared enough to challenge me ! I still have my calendars...but I haven't looked at them in years. The google timeline only goes back 10 years...so that is all erased. I used to worry about what would happen when it was going to get erased...but it truly doesn't bother me at all . I am enjoying what our life is like NOW...because NOW is what COUNTS !!

I still have my calendars...

Hmmm... you already know what I'm going to write.

Hmmm... you already know what I'm going to write.

I do need to do something with them. My H and I have started doing "death cleaning" so that all of our "treasures" won't be a burden to our children after we pass on. My H and I have lost all of our parents...3 of them since his A . We are still dealing with some of the issues that come about from leaving "treasures" for us to deal with. We definitely don't want our children to have to deal with this...and do NOT want them to come across these calendars!!!

One of the things about healing from this is that I can look back with a more logical eye instead of an emotional one . The last time I looked at them...which was when you challenged me ...I realized what happened on their "first date". In my head I was picturing them planning to meet up at a spot that the adultery co-conspirator loved...all romantic and stuff. My H told me that was NOT the case...they were strangers who were meeting to assess whether the other person was an ax murderer or not (his words)...before they slept with each other . But I couldn't fathom a woman meeting up with a stranger to see if they were good enough to have sex with . I understand NOW that I was projecting MY thoughts and feelings onto HER...but it was something I couldn't wrap my head around at the time.

When I looked at the calendar for that day with a logical eye...I noticed how my H had eaten at a sushi restaurant earlier that day. About 3 hours later he was at another sushi restaurant with the adultery co-conspirator. AHA! I saw so clearly that what my H had said was true...this was NOT a planned meeting. I could easily picture that he talked to her on the phone later in the evening after he called me...told her he had sushi for dinner...and she told him she loved sushi...so they met up at her favorite sushi place. Nothing was planned...especially a romantic meeting...or my H wouldn't have eaten at the 1st sushi place to begin with . He had told me though that their last meal there was a romantic one...but that is a whole other story.

So I could still get some things cleared up IF I need to check because there is a LOT of information on those calendars. I must admit though that I probably am using it as a sort of comfort for lack of a better word. As long as I have the calendars...I can go back and check what was actually happening instead of relying on my memory. As time goes on though...I truly don't feel that NEED to go and look like I used to.

I dare you.

Very cool. Thanks for sharing.

I dare you.

You do like challenging me...but I guess that is what Lil Bro's do !! You will be the first to know when I get rid of them...good enough?!

sisoon...I just finished a post on YOUR thread...this is funny ! I hope you will do like I am about to do...copy and paste your thread into the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread !! That page won't get turned without posts being added !!

love your updates and SI isn’t as emoji-full when you are not posting
It’s so great when those who have walked it share where they are…

Glad you are both THRIVING and enjoying life to the fullest!

What value do they hold for you?

Always fun to see some W2BHA words on the pages here at SI.

I wouldn't sweat the 'low' 7-year pace, at least you got to where you needed to be!

And, I think Unhinged is on to something with those calendars...

I hate March.

And April.

And May.

And... June.

I hate March because that's when things turned inappropriate between my wife and her AP. April is when it turned physical and I discovered it. May was for trickle truth and more devastating details as they were trickled out. June. June is the month of our anniversary. In 2 more days to be exact. We had our first post affair anniversary pretty shortly after d day and it wasn't very celebratory.

It's been just a little over a year now for us. I'm still not feeling very celebratory, but my wife knows it and she's accepted why. So at least there isn't a battle over it. She's actually being pretty understanding. Especially since I pointed out that anniversaries are at least in part a celebration of kept vows and a certain continuity within a relationship. So... what would I be celebrating this year again, exactly? She nodded her head and said "I understand."

That said, things are still fairly fresh for us. I appreciate this post because it shows me that it doesn't have to always be this way. People can move past and get over these antiversaries to the point where they lose their meaning, or at least don't carry the same devastating meaning forever.

It's so nice to see some positive outcomes like this, and I would encourage you to go ahead and share this in the positive reconciliation stories thread. Thanks for the update!

I hate March.

And April.

And May.

And... June.

I might beat you here.

Let’s see what tainted months are. January = most definitely
February as well
March, the dday with the worst trauma
April, betrayed 2 days before my birthday when my father was on the brink of death

May, yes that’s there too

June, also, in addition to being my mom’s premature death anniversary

September, October, November and December are off too.

August in theory is our both anniversary month, meeting and getting married. Not really sure is something to celebrate though.

Guess I only have July left.

I should probably be sad, but for some reasons I don’t feel much beside a bit of dark funny.

BearlyBreathing...I guess I do get a little crazy with them on here ! Some of these I used to use a LOT when I first got on here...the barfing one and the crying one mostly. Now...I don't really care to put them on my posts...I am not in that emoji type of mindset anymore...if that makes sense .

Thank you for your kind words . When I first came to this site I couldn't understand why more people didn't write about their positive experiences on here...until I wasn't IN infidelity anymore. I definitely understand it now. I told myself that IF I made it then I would come back to pay it forward and let others know that...like you wrote...they can THRIVE despite infidelity . But now that I am on the other side...it is really hard to come back on here when I am in a totally different mindset...I hope that makes sense. I will keep trying though...because...like you also wrote...ENJOYING life to the fullest CAN happen...and I am living proof !

Unhinged...I guess the value is maybe knowing that I have PROOF of what happened? I didn't rugsweep anything...and in the past if I ever wondered about something I could go to the calendars and look at the details to see what was happening and when. I haven't had questions in a while though...the google timeline pretty much answered the rest of what I needed to know . BUT...there's always a but ...even though I KNOW I can go back to them when I want...I CHOOSE not to...and I feel that is a victory all on its own .

Even though my H had his PA while working overseas...he actually had been having OA's for about 2 years before that. The gaslighting and manipulation that he put me through really did make me question my sanity...what little I had left anyway . He couldn't gaslight me on a time stamped restaurant receipt though. Or the time stamped gasoline receipts from her town. Maybe I am holding on to the calendars so that I KNOW that what my GUT was telling me was the TRUTH? My GUT is calm now...and my H isn't doing anything to make me feel like I am going insane anymore...so it may be time to let them go . I am not at home right now to do anything about it...so they won't get destroyed anytime soon.

Oldwounds...ah my DEAR friend...I am so HAPPY to see you are back on here again...for now . Looking back...I realize that I started healing right away. It just didn't seem like anything was happening...until it did . Someone once had a tagline that said something to the effect of recovery isn't linear...and MAN...were they ever correct about that!! I liked someone else's tagline that said 3 steps forward and 2 steps back is still progress! Dat be me !!

My Lil Bro is a tête dure!! Unhinged means well though...and God love him...he has helped me through a lot . You have too...and I am very HAPPY to see you didn't stay gone too long !!

Pogre...oooo...a little over a year. It was around that time that I got caught in the "Plain of Lethal Flatness". My 2nd year of recovery was much more difficult than my 1st. I sincerely hope that isn't going to be the case for you (((HUGS))). If it is though...just KNOW that this is a phase and you WILL get through this .

Happy early Anniversary !! Not being in a celebratory mood is definitely understandable at this point. But hopefully one day you will look back and see how FAR y'all have come...TOGETHER . THAT is what anniversaries are for too!! My H and I now celebrate TWO anniversaries! The day that we got married...and Dday...the day our marriage became authentic ! I wrote about it in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread. You can read up about it if you'd like by going to page 13 of that thread .

Thank you for encouraging me to put this as a post in that thread...I have already done it...I LOVE the PRS thread !! My 1st post in that thread is on page 9 . I enjoy going back and reading some of my posts...it shows my progress in my healing ! I look forward to YOU posting often in there as well!!

BackfromtheStorm...my deepest condolences over the loss of your parents . That is a special kind of HELL to know that this was happening when you needed comfort the most (((HUGS))). Something similar was happening while I was overseas with my H...which caused me to come back to the United States to deal with it...alone. It was during this time that my H decided he was going to have "no strings attached" sex with a stranger . Knowing my H was having an A while I was dealing with a crisis was a kick to the GUT.

That dark humor can be productive...for a bit . I have often written that whatever helps a Betrayed to HEAL...as long as it is legal ...DO IT!! For ME...going down those dark paths helped me get this ANGER that I felt inside...out. But it wasn't helping in MY healing so I had to find another path to take. Being positive was the key for me...and of course...God was the MOST helpful . I hope that you can find a path that is the most productive in your healing !!

Oh yes, no worries the pain was bad but that’s the past.

Found the path, found it again more accurately.

Life is beautiful because it’s what you make it. And reflects back to you what you feel.

Walk your way centered and in awe for the gift every heartbeat brings with.

There is plenty of room at your side while you walk your path, for those who are respectfully worthy of your company there is always room.

We never truly lost that direction, we just allowed ourselves to be strayed by the misery of others for a while.

That’s a powere you can only give, can’t be taken from you, so no fear to stray again will haunt you when you know that.

You can see the mounds of manure filled with stinging nettles along the road, you know better than to step in again.

Just smile and walk on.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:48 AM, Friday, June 5th]

Pogre...oooo...a little over a year. It was around that time that I got caught in the "Plain of Lethal Flatness". My 2nd year of recovery was much more difficult than my 1st. I sincerely hope that isn't going to be the case for you (((HUGS))). If it is though...just KNOW that this is a phase and you WILL get through this smile .

In some ways this second year does seem more difficult because the shock and disbelief are wearing off and it's really sinking in that "this happened."

As far as POLF or an anger phase goes, maybe it's still too early, or I hope maybe it's because our marriage was in such a rough spot for a while and we both needed to make some changes, but I haven't experienced either yet. We have made those changes, and things are actually quite passionate between us now. I think hysterical bonding has become the new norm for us. It's been over a year and that hysterical passion is still going strong. I'm still having some triggers and rough days, but they always end on a positive note. My wife has been proving to be an ideal candidate for reconciliation. I know it's counter intuitive, but I don't feel like she ever stopped loving me. In many ways we're closer and more passionate about each other than we've ever been.

Happy early Anniversary grin !! Not being in a celebratory mood is definitely understandable at this point. But hopefully one day you will look back and see how FAR y'all have come...TOGETHER smile . THAT is what anniversaries are for too!! My H and I now celebrate TWO anniversaries! The day that we got married...and Dday...the day our marriage became authentic grin ! I wrote about it in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread. You can read up about it if you'd like by going to page 13 of that thread smile .

Well thank you. We did celebrate a new anniversary this year. Shortly after d day, on April 18th (15th was d day), we were intimate for the first time in a long time, and it's been every day ever since. I was on an SSRI and it killed my libido. We had a terrible dry spell, and she thought that I didn't want her anymore. In a way that was true, but it was because I had just "lost it" altogether. We didn't realize SSRIs can come with those side effects. I eventually weaned off of it, and it took a long time for those side effects to go away, but I'm back and better than ever now. It was like a renewal of our marriage. We went out and celebrated it this year. I feel like I kind of reclaimed d day. It's ours now, so a win, right?

Thank you for encouraging me to put this as a post in that thread...I have already done it...I LOVE the PRS thread grin !! My 1st post in that thread is on page 9 smile . I enjoy going back and reading some of my posts...it shows my progress in my healing grin ! I look forward to YOU posting often in there as well!!

Very cool. I'm going to head over there now to page 13 and see what you wrote there. You have a pretty light hearted and positive posting style, and I could always use a little light hearted positivity during these trying times. It's not all bad, tho. Despite what happened, I did discover we still have a lot of love and passion for each other, even after 28 years of marriage. We're having fun again. We can't keep our hands off of each other and others are noticing it. Some very good things are happening between us. It doesn't matter what we're doing, we're enjoying it as long as we're together. I just wish we'd have woken up without this dark cloud of betrayal and heartbreak hanging over all of the good stuff.

I do, however, predict me posting in PRS before too long. We seem to be on a good track. I really don't think anything like this will ever happen again. I'm convinced that all she ever wanted was her husband back again.

Sorry if this was a thread jack, but you've given me some food for thought, and I do think that ultimately my story is going to end up being a positive one. Seeing posts like yours helps fuel that belief for me, so thanks again for the update!

W2BHA, coming back to SI after being gone for four years was a bit strange for me. I don't need anything from this community. There's plenty of other things I could do with my time that are far more enjoyable.

I'm sticking around - at least for a while - because I still love this community and I still feel a debt that I could never fully repay or pay forward. In some ways it seems rather selfish to have learned sooo much, to have gained such tremendous wisdom and insight, and not do what I can to share.

I was going to try to encourage you to stick around for a while, too, with all sorts of good reasons. Fortunately for me, Pogre did it for me.

I meant my post to be in R. I guess my aim isn't great. I copied to Positive R stories.

I want to echo Oldwounds on 7 years. R is a LOT of work; that much work takes time. IMO, 'R' means recovering and rebuilding. The SI rule of thumb for recovery is 2-5 years, so 7 for R seems like a good estimate. IMO, I thought I was R'ed and healed about 4 years out, but my W still had a way to go. Our M took more than 4 years to rebuild - 7 years is a pretty good rule of thumb for R IMO.

BackfromtheStorm...I LOVE your last post !! It truly is all about perspective . I REFUSE to be a victim. It is most likely from the trauma I experienced in my 1st M when I was young and did everything I knew how to stay married to the cheating husband I was totally in love with. That ended up with me catching him with another woman about 2 years later. I survived all of that trauma and came back stronger...and I was NOT going to put myself in that same situation again! My 2nd H did a complete 180 on Dday and has become my best friend again...someone I am more in love with every day ! Although his betrayal was more traumatic than my 1st H...with BOTH of us doing the work to get the M we want...I can say I am truly living out the fairytale M that I was only able to dream about before !

Pogre...that hysterical bonding is something else !! It looks like y'all are truly enjoying that part...and that is awesome! Not everyone embraces giving in to the hysterical bonding...but for ME...it brought us closer and we really enjoyed all of it...especially since we were empty nesters and had our whole house to ourselves !!

I'm still having some triggers and rough days, but they always end on a positive note.

Being positive is MUCH better that being negative by far!! I have always been more of a positive person...and I tried my best to stay on that side after Dday...but it didn't come as easily as it had before.

My wife has been proving to be an ideal candidate for reconciliation.

THIS will help in your healing so much . I learned from when my 1st H cheated on me and we ended up in D that I could heal on my own. But having a remorseful spouse who will do whatever they can to help me heal really did help a lot!

I know it's counter intuitive, but I don't feel like she ever stopped loving me. In many ways we're closer and more passionate about each other than we've ever been.

I totally agree with you on this . I wrote a thread a few years ago...something to the effect of how my H never stopped loving me even during his A. That thread did not go over to well with the majority of the people here . But it was how I felt. MANY people in my thread quoted the words from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 where it starts off by saying, "Love is patient, love is kind..." to show me how I was wrong in my thinking.

I learned during a Bible sermon that the word that was used in this particular Scripture was actually "agape"...which is the highest form of love in the Greek language. There is not ONE word for "love" in the Greek language...there are 4 . Storge is more like familial love...what we feel for our parents, children, etc. Philia is more like a friendship type of love between special friends in our lives. Eros is that romantic love we feel for someone we are attracted to. This love is actually a selfish type of love because WE desire something in the other person. Then there is the most highest form of love...Agape . This is an unconditional love...and this was the word that Jesus used when he asked Peter twice if he loved Him in John 21:15-17. Peter's word for love in this Scripture passage was actually "philia". The 3rd time Jesus asked the question...He used the word "philia".

My H told me when he started his confession that he loved me like he had never loved anyone else but he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. I believe he loved me the whole time he was cheating...but not agape...more like philia. NOW...it is definitely agape...and NOW is what COUNTS !!

I feel like I kind of reclaimed d day. It's ours now, so a win, right?

ABSOLUTELY !!

Despite what happened, I did discover we still have a lot of love and passion for each other, even after 28 years of marriage.

My H and I were married 28 years when he had his A...wow. It is now over 40...and better than ever . YES...the A was a very DARK part of our M. But WE sure do appreciate the LIGHT so much more now .

Sorry if this was a thread jack, but you've given me some food for thought, and I do think that ultimately my story is going to end up being a positive one. Seeing posts like yours helps fuel that belief for me, so thanks again for the update!

I thoroughly enjoyed your reply...no thread jacking at all...it was perfect ! It is often said on here that as long as BOTH parties are ALL IN the R is very possible. It sounds like the two of you are walking down that path...and I am so HAPPY for y'all !!

Unhinged...I totally agree with you ! I remember thinking when I first joined that IF we made it I would keep posting on here to give others HOPE. I kept it up for a while...even when there were a myriad of people who would send out barbs about how people who are in R are really just rugsweeping . Or that people in R are just deluding themselves into thinking their WS has changed. There were several doozies on here about stuff like that and sadly I have had PM's from other BS's in R who said it wasn't worth it anymore to post about their R when so many others kept criticizing them and accusing them of not living in "reality". They have left this site .

I have received too many DM's though from people who told me that my posts have indeed given them HOPE that give me encouragement to stay on this site . And...of course...I can't leave my family on here either !! But my family in real life...who don't know about my H's A...I get to visit them a lot now . When I am with them I don't get on SI...so it can be weeks before I get to see some of the posts. I'm not going anywhere...I just don't get to post as often as I used to. Which is kind of a Blessing to some .