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I have not been able to say it, I guess I’m just curious what other BS’s say to their WS? My WH was saying I love you, but when I told him I couldn’t do that yet, he stopped, maybe knowing it was hard for me to say so he didn’t want to add more pressure on me. You?

I've always been in love with my W, and pre-A I used to say ILY a lot. She rarely did, and it usually seemed forced. She said she showed me she loved me, and she did (really). Since the A, I've said it rarely; I've shown I loved her though in as many ways as I can think of. She says it from time to time, and since the A, she's always sounded authentic.

Actions count more than words, though words are usually nice, too. When they're genuine, that is.

The difference in our limerent connection is less than before the A. (She's a CSA survivor, after all.)

ETA: There's a script in my head: 'I used to say 'ILY' with the expectation that it would help prevent her betraying me. It didn't work, so why say it?' That doesn't make logical sense, but hey! I'm human. Logic is a veneer.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:04 PM, Wednesday, December 4th]

I am 3 and a half years after DDAy and I rarely tell him that I love him. He says it all the time and I usually just acknowledge it and don't say it back, not even "me too". We both used to say ILY a lot pre-DDAy, but now it is just too painful for me, knowing he also said it to one of his APs for years. After what he did, I am just not ready to let him close again, I keep a wall between us and probably will until I feel safe with him. I told him so and he is understanding, but I can see it is painful for him. Unfortunately, it is what it is. I hope I will feel diferently in the future, but for now, I am doing what feels best for me. Anyway, he knows I love him even without me saying it out loud, I wouldn't have stayed and tried for R, if I didn't.

ETA I wouldn't feel comfortable if my WH stopped saying ILY just because I don't say it back. After his LTAs, I need any reassurance I can get and him telling me every day that he loves me is helpful. Not nearly enough, but it is one of the small things I need.

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 9:18 AM, Wednesday, December 4th]

It took me awhile to say ILY post DDay. Honestly, it came up during our individual meetings with MC. Early days, she met with us each one on one before agreeing to seeing us for MC. The reason I was in MC was because I love him. That’s why A’s are so painful. I loved him, but I didn’t want the vulnerability of telling him that. It took awhile for me to feel strong enough to open myself up to what, I felt at the time, was the possibility of being hurt again.

We found different ways of expressing that without saying it…until it was ok to say out loud. Small rituals. Coffee in bed in the morning. Him hearing what I needed and doing those things. It took a thousand of these small gestures from my FWH. These were small things that he did, that I couldn’t deny. Because, if he said ILY at that time, I could always say…..well you said you loved me while being with her….so it can’t be true. It took me about 6 months post DDay to be able to say it back. Now, we don’t leave each other without making sure the other has heard it.

I think this is something that whatever makes the BS feel better and is comfortable should be what you do. It is comforting to hear others stories and perspective though. I run it helps us feel seen.
I do not say I love you and I have asked him not to either. It is a major trigger for me now because we said this a lot in our marriage yet he was able to have multiple one night stands.
He never had a love relationship or really a romantic relationship with any of his partners so I don’t have that to contend with but to me love is not what he gave me all those years. Yet he constantly said those words.
And I truly do not love him at this time and I refuse to be inauthentic to make him feel better.
He has been showing me care and being a good partner. That is enough for now. I miss feeling loved and loving someone. I miss it deeply. I hope that comes back but I’m accepting it may not. I think for what you have been through it is reasonable to not be able to say those words at this point.

I don’t think I said it a lot early after discovery — and it really took some time for me to understand what ‘healthy’ love looks like and feels like.

I can say, after I healed some and got my feet underneath me, our R started to become more about the relationship we wanted versus what we had before.

As Sissoon noted, actions are far more important than the words, but these days my wife and I say it and mean it almost everyday. A lot of work to get there, a lot of actions by her along the way to earn trust again.

We used to say it all the time, especially me, and I really felt it. Immediately after DD and the first 12-18 months or so we did say it a lot. All the time. Many times per day. HB for us was not just the sex it was a feeling of realising what we almost had lost in the fire, we felt the both of us shattered into a million pieces but almost more in love than ever. We both really felt we truly wanted each other no matter what.
Then once HB subsided and the POLF hit for me I stopped saying it and then so did he. I guess we did become less loving towards each other and I do feel he has always more acted in reaction to me. So if I am loving and say loving things he will reciprocate, but he will not drive the bus on those things. He never did for all of or 20+ years together. he has never been a romantic, I was the romantic in our M. Now that I am no longer, we don't have any of that in our lives. But I just can not do the driving of the love and romance bus anymore after DD.
Some time 6-8 months ago when I hit the POLF badly, I started to wait and watch, to se if WH would say ILY first? start acting lovingly to try to awaken the love again? he hasn't since and so neither have I. I certainly don't feel it like before and since he isn't doing much to bring out the loving feeling between us in any way.

So for us, I guess, it went the opposite way around to what one might imagine. Immediately after DD lots of ILY, and then further down, none. This is by far the longest we have ever in all of our relationship gone without saying those words. It makes me sad but it's like a hang up for me, I just can not get them out of my mouth.

As a ws I do think our tendency is to stop saying it if the bs doesn’t seem to want to have those exchanges.

But know as the bs not everything has to be logical. You may not be ready to say it, but if you still want the ws to say it, just tell them.

Tell them it may be a long time before you feel like saying it, but you need them to continue to do the things that show you they want you and this relationship.

Logic and feelings are often very separate things and it took me a while to understand that.

I think I said it a great deal during HB. But then I did not feel it, so I did not say it as much. I think WW did say it frequently, but I think she did so because she was scared I was going to end it and either kick her out or leave her. WW's A's were about her depression and insecurity, so when everything came out, she was even more insecure and her depression was more acute. The words seem to have no meaning anymore, so like others have stated, actions spoke louder than words.

We are a way out from Dday. I have lost count. Likely near 10 years. Now it is said frequently enough. But what else is said every once and a while is "thank you for staying" "thank you for believing in me", "I am so sorry" "I like what we have become (I still wish it never happened)". I think hearing her say that is better than ILY.

No BS here though. The WS needs to find ways to make amends for the trauma. Some of that means saying things they need to, even when they do not want to be vulnerable. Even with forgiveness, the WS needs to find ways to heal the BS, and many times, that means going out of their comfort zone. They need to put as much effort into saving the M as they did in having the A. If not, any words are meaningless.

I haven't said it one time since I found out about my WS affair(s) 6 yrs ago.
We used to say it all the time pre A.
He still says he loved AP #3 so I know he didn't love me. That A lasted 3 yrs.
We are just living like room mates.
You don't screw around on someone you love.

I very rarely said the words. I forbade her from saying for at least a year out from D day. The first few times she said it I asked her if she loved me when she was doing (insert sexual acts in very graphic terms) and that kind of shut that down.

The sadder part was the disappearance of all the little acts of love, not just the words. The touches that we gave each other in passing, me buying flowers at the train station to bring home, sitting close when watching TV, or having an rm around her at the movies. All that disappeared for the most part. She tried to show acts of love, but I just wasn’t receptive. Eventually she stopped with a lot of that as it hurt her worse to try to show acts of love and be rebuffed than to not try at all, although she still would say the words. Just not as often.

Like wounded bear she would rely on more of thanks for staying with me which was a safer route for her. She did still go overboard with more acts of service like cooking meals, buying presents, keeping the house immaculate. I think for her since I accepted those things it was like me accepting some ind of love.

I say it when I am 100 percent sure I mean it. I’ve always been an honest person so what I say I am sure I mean. Early on I even told him "I love you who I thought you were and what parts of you that may still be you,, but I am ashamed of you and that love, and wish I didn’t". Can’t get much more honest than that.

The last time he said this to me, I told him that I don't feel loved by him. As time goes by, the shock of what he has done and how he has responded to me through the years continues to surprise me. I feel like I am still processing it - and it has been more than 6 years since D day.

[This message edited by icangetpastthis at 5:47 AM, Thursday, December 5th]

Thank you sisoon, I agree actions mean more than words. I want my words to be genuine, they are just not…yet. I am planning on having a conversation with him soon about this topic, so I appreciate your thoughts.

ZetaCephei, thank you for your thoughts. I’m glad I’m not alone in how I feel. Mine had an LTA as well, which makes this harder maybe, don’t know as I’m not in the one night stand group. But it’s hard to think that he loved me, when he chose to have this other person for a year and a half. Wtf. Thank you for your thoughts.

Wow, Ladybugmaam, I’m glad to hear this is going good for you. Thank you for sharing!

Saltishealing, I like your perspective since it wasn’t a LTA. My WH did have the LTA and got all the "new relationship" butterflies, if you will. I saw a text from her to him asking if they can go on a walk during lunch. I just still feel, you don’t do shit like that to someone you love, be it LTA or many one night stands. Thank you for your thoughts.

Question, you said " I hope that comes back but I’m accepting it may not.", do you know what you’ll do if it doesn’t come back?

Honestly I am not sure what I will do if I do not feel like I love him again. I do think that we may have enough relationship history and mutual care and companionship to continue with the relationship or I may decide that I need to be with someone that I love romantically to remain married and committed.
I do feel like as I recover I see him for who he was and it makes me struggle more as time goes on. He was really irritable and hurtful the last two years before I found out about his cheating. He would apologize but it really did some damage. I see his emotional immaturity and selfishness so glaringly obvious now. He has really really worked on himself and has changed so much. And has been consistent for two years. But I still do not feel safe or loved with him. I think at least right now what he did was too much. I’ll be close to the five year mark after d day when my oldest is done with college so I’m trying to give myself until then to see. I may be content with staying even if I don’t get those loving feelings back or I may just find it too difficult. I have been completely honest that I may never truly love him again and that we may have more of a friends with benefits type of relationship. It’s mind boggling to me that somehow he’s fine with that just to keep me. He could have had the old version of me that was loving and invested in him deeply and he did not appreciate what he had. Like many of us dealing with this especially finding out later in life the two choices are equally difficult in my opinion.

Oldwounds, thank you for your reply. I like that you are building a relationship that works for you now and is new instead of trying to go back to the way it was. Thanks!

Miserylikescompany, thanks for sharing your situation. It is interesting. I have not said ILY since, and as he says, I never was much for saying it anyway…. Maybe how I was brought up in my family. Thanks for your reply!