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Hello, this is my first post. I might not have all the acronyms down just yet. I am 2 years and 2 months from d-day. I am choosing to stay with my husband of 27 years married, 33 years together, and 2 wonderful young men, our children. I’ve aged myself now!

My question is, how do you celebrate your anniversary? We’ve had 3 since he told me about the affair. The first one happened just after he told me and he was staying with his parents at the time. Since then I have not wanted to celebrate the day yet. I have a hard time giving him a card saying how wonderful of a husband he is, when he wasn’t. Just curious what others do.

Thanks!

I was ready to celebrate our 4th post-d-day anniversary, but that was 45 months out from d-day. It looks like your 4th will come sooner than ours did, so you might have to wait longer.

My W was committed to R from d-day on, and she never wavered. Actually, our 3rd anniversary really hurt due to family dynamics, so that period was not a good time at all.

How do you feel about you? How is R going? What has your H done to change from betrayer to good partner? All of those questions and more can help you distinguish between normal anniversary angst and a big problem.

ETA: Missed the comment about cards. I've been searching the web for M quotes and creating a written page with the quotes that feel right for the last 10 years or so. W gives me pre-written cards that reflect her thoughts and feelings. The quotes I select have morphed from bitter and bittersweet to funny but true comments on M and our relationship. I do the same for birthdays and Mother's Days.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:06 PM, Wednesday, October 16th]

Yep, I couldn't do the "you're the best husband" cards either. I think I heard a comedian once describe looking for a card as "this is a day and you are a spouse..here is a card".....that tracks. For me, forward looking sentiments seem to fit us better. I'm looking forward to our next adventures. That speaks to me much better than World's best husband sentinments. Celebrating where we are now, I can do.

My FWH was also all in on the R. I was unsure.

We have reached a point where we can celebrate. It IS a different celebration. Now it is more celebrating us and our future plans together.

It’s always your call — but somewhere down the line, it becomes about the kind of marriage you want going forward.

I would say there wasn’t a lot of energy in any of the holidays or anniversaries the first couple years, but we still aimed for kindness at the minimum while we built the relationship back to where we wanted it.

8.5 years later, we celebrate our hard work now.

It was our 4th post Dday that I was ready to celebrate our new M. I cannot do the pre written cards. I did celebrate how far we had come from Dday. Our M was heading in a great direction and I was proud of how much work she had done to improve herself.

I had zero interest in celebrating our anniversary and then our MC asked me "Do you want to let the affair taint any more of your marriage than it has?"

That helped me think about it differently.

Yeah, I can't look at my wedding photos without thinking about how she would be in the arms of another man less than 2 years after the ceremony. It's ruined my interest in the photos, but somehow, I'm game to celebrate anniversaries. We are still together, after all. Amazingly.

sisoon: How do you feel about you? How is R going? What has your H done to change from betrayer to good partner?
R is going well, he has done everything right to heal our marriage. He told me about the affair and has shown me that he will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work, but he also realizes the choice is mine. I've been to MC to help me through this, it has helped and I am confident now that we can make this relationship last and be strong.

It is not so much about cards, but just celebrating union of husband and wife which was torn apart. It's hard to celebrate a broken promise.

Ladybugmaam: I agree, it needs to be a different celebration now. Celebrating a new us. My MC even suggested celebrating our "started dating" anniversary instead. Still acknowledge the marriage anniversary, but in a lesser way. If that makes sense.

Oldwounds: thank you, that helps and makes sense.

Tanner: that is awesome, thank you for sharing.

WB1340: Agreed, but I still feel I, the betrayed, gets to make the decision on how to celebrate at my comfort level. I am more about doing something together, than cards, gifts, flowers. I'd rather have a memorable experience anyway.

Brittn: I understand that feeling, I hate looking at photos that were taken of our family and adventures during the time he was having the affair. It brings back all those intrusive thoughts!

Thank you everyone. If there is a way to reply to each response, I couldn't figure it out! haha

Be well and take care of yourselves.

This:

It’s always your call — but somewhere down the line, it becomes about the kind of marriage you want going forward.

If you stay - do so because you see life better and opportunity to continue to do so even more.

If you cannot see life getting better, best start planning how to make YOUR life better.

"Who's lookin' out for you?"

We have had one anniversary since D-Day and even though we went away for it I was not ready to ‘celebrate’ that date at all. We just took the trip as a mini holiday and did not refer to the day as an anniversary at all. No gifts, no cards and no fancy dinner. All my choice.

I can’t imagine celebrating this day ever again. I actually call it celebrating our not getting divorced day 😂 I also don’t really consider us as married anymore, not in the traditional sense anyway. He broke the most important vow and so now all of that is gone for me.

I am however happy to continue trying in this ‘relationship’ but just won’t be celebrating any special dates. And yes @Brittn there is no way I’ll ever be looking at the photos with any sense of fondness at all 😭

I can’t imagine celebrating this day ever again. I actually call it celebrating our not getting divorced day 😂 I also don’t really consider us as married anymore, not in the traditional sense anyway. He broke the most important vow and so now all of that is gone for me.

Exactly how I feel……

I took off my ring and replaced it with one of those cheap black rubber ones. We are still "legally" married but the spiritual part has been broken for me. I wanted to just ignore the day but my wife bought me a "not an Anniversary card" and apologized for ruining what would have been our 40th. I "get" the gesture but it really just made the day even worse for me.

She now gets that date is "just another day" and that’s all it ever will be.

Sharing, not arguing ... if R continues to go well and be what you want, I believe you'll want to again celebrate being together, and your wedding anniversary date is likely to be the date you choose for the celebration. It takes time to decide it's worth a celebration, though, and your post seems to place you within the realm of normality.

I don’t, and I never will.