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Newest Member: Watermelonhigh

Reconciliation :
Death in comparisons

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 8:15 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

"If you keep putting what I’ve been doing everyday since up against what I did then you will never see who I am becoming now"

So my fWH said this to me. And I know he’s right. I have not been a person to forgive and forget and until recently I thought I didn’t hold grudges.

This predicament has shown me that when people disappoint me I have always just cut them off and pulled back but I’ve never ever really forgave anyone in my life.

I don’t want to be the type of person that makes a person feel like I won’t let them grow and become new again and learn from their past. But I find that no gesture/ no grow my fwh does stands alone without me seeing all he did during the affair.

It’s like he’s a kid that builds me something and wants me to know that it’s from his heart and I love it at first but then I start to dissect it and check it out while saying..” I’m checking to make sure it’s really your authentic design and that you didn’t steal it because the last time you gave me something fake and told me it was real.”

I compare everything he is doing now with what he did during the affair. I’ve become toxic and I don’t like myself much lately.

Can anyone relate?🤷🏽‍♀️

[This message edited by Howcthappen at 12:13 AM, Saturday, May 27th]

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8792435
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Diva19 ( member #83232) posted at 2:29 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Relate to that situation absolutelyi can. I have been doing that exact thing esp lately it's been hard not to compare what my husband does now to what he did. He was a liar for 6 years about our relationship and how he felt, than had a EA for 6 months. I asked him how he felt about what he did and he said he feels bad because he did it and can't take away my pain. It sucks to hear that and I feel like I'm doing the same thing by comparing his actions now ie if he is on his phone constantly thinking is he texting another woman I'm not letting us heal it's hard to separate the man they are now from the man they were before while lying and cheating. To believe they can change is hard so I understand what your going through all to well. I keep telling myself I need to get out of my own head and let my husband's actions show me he is all in without accusation or comparisons to what he did easier said than done right

posts: 86   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2023
id 8792456
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neverwithoutmychildren ( new member #83268) posted at 2:52 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

I can definitely relate, though it's still very early for me in the process.

Honestly, I don't think we "owe" them anything, certainly not to recognise or applaud their efforts. I have told my husband that any effort even for the better that he does now does 2 things: shows that he could have done it before and that his behavior towards me during the affair (and even the affair itself) was a CHOICE, also that he is now at "minus something" going up towards "zero" where we will possibly be able to build a new relationship.

Now maybe some of the things he is doing or the moments spent together are already contributing to that new relationship, but it could also be lies or trying to compensate or something.

On the other hand I believe that how you feel about yourself and your own thoughts & behaviors matter more in this case. Do you feel you are being unfair, mean, in a way that makes you feel "disaligned" with your own values or how YOU want to act?

That could be something to look into and this can even be an opportunity to observe yourself and make any changes or create new patterns / habits, if YOU want to.

Certainly not because he feels unappreciated or you feel you are not grateful or recognising his efforts enough. Those are what is actually minimally required (or normal) of a loving caring spouse!

Now remember I am quite a newbie here so these are only some of my thoughts as I start out on this process...

Heartbroken / Married 9 years / BW 47 / WH 44 / 6 month EA / DDay 19Mar23

posts: 16   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2023
id 8792458
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 3:45 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

This is absolutely normal behavior along the journey. This is never going to be a forgive and forget issue in the M. You can forgive but will always have to be aware of what he capable of.

I came to a point of healing that I no longer referred to her as wayward or a cheater. I refer to her here as my wife. I also had to stop weaponizing the A. Everyday situations would trigger back to the A. "She had a flat tire, well her cheating ass deserves it". Things really improved when I stopped making most things about the A.

Never forget, I think the only way to forget is to rug sweep, you have to deal with every aspect of it including, what if it happens again? You have to always have a plan B in mind.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3474   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8792465
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 6:26 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Hmmmm, I don't know exactly how you are comparing what he is doing now with the A. Say option 1) "It's not enough to make up for the A" or option 2) "During the A he acted one way, but now under the same circumstances he is clearly making better decisions". To me the second one has been key in R. I can see my wife making better decisions and taking better actions in the same types of circumstances where she previously chose to pursue the A.

Option 1 is not necessarily helpful, but forgiveness is something that needs to be EARNED.

Isn't the only way to see the progress to compare current actions to previous actions?

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2673   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8792489
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 8:23 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

I think it is only natural to compare what happened during the A and what is happening now. Weaponizing it doesn't help....but re-learning to trust your gut above all else is healthy. I did comparisons as well. It is safety seeking. I can totally identify with feeling like you're toxic. For awhile, I just thought, if 50% of marriages go through this, then 50% of married people must be absolute assholes. I felt like I hated the world for a period of time. I used to be SO open and "nice". I'm not so much anymore. Truth is, you're not toxic. You're working through a nonlinear healing process. You've been through an epic ordeal in this experience. It is OK to second guess his motives or actions. It would be worrisome if you didn't.

I too have cut people off, but mostly this was in regard to dangerous family of origin members..i.e. people who abused me over the course of a long time. This experience has created so much more grey for me, when things used to be very black and white. It has opened some doors of compassion for me with my family members, but also shifted my ideas of protecting myself, asking for what I need, and enforcing boundaries in a more effective way.

Grounding, being present in the moment helps me. And, also saying....look.....I'm not doing well right now. Tell me something that will help me to see that you're really present with me right now. Also knowing that I can tap out at any time weirdly makes me feel better. I have an exit strategy. It feels weird, but I have my plan b and c in place if I need it. That we have an opportunity to build a future that honors my needs in ways that our marriage didn't pre-affair....helps. I don't have to stay for mediocrity. He doesn't have to be perfect, no one can be. But, I better see different and good.....and I have. He also seems to be showing up in ways where he can ask for what he needs. He didn't before.

I'm sorry you're here. But, you sound totally normal in a shitty situation.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 473   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8792508
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 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 12:18 AM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023

I want to be a person that has room for forgiveness and to allow people to grow and become better. I am not good at it.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8792799
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3yrsout ( member #50552) posted at 12:48 AM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023

Is that a good thing?

Perhaps the middle road is to accept that people are not reliable and can hurt you when they are uncomfortable, so keep them at arm’s length.

My WH complains that his affair defines him to me. He equates this to some dumb kid who flunked French class and then is now known as a French flunker forever.

I responded to this with- Yeah, did you flunk French or not? (Yes, then admit it and move on). And don’t minimize my pain to a fucking college class.

This is more akin to you felt uncomfortable so you decided to nuke our family.

So yes, he does not have access to nukes anymore because he is too jumpy and inconsistent. Like a 14 year old driving. Not great, poor insight, too impulsive. No access to destructive devices for you. Too late so sad about your French test.

That’s not forgiveness. That’s not being stupid.

Forgiveness is letting him take the French test again in crayon. Because he can’t handle a pen. So crayon marriage it is.

posts: 753   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8792804
Topic is Sleeping.
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