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Newest Member: KRE74

Reconciliation :
The annual review: 7 years of R

Topic is Sleeping.
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

This is a great update, Congratulations!!! Those dents and scars have helped so many here on SI, I'm definitely one of them. Thank you for paying it forward.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3471   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8792353
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OnTheOtherSideOfHell ( member #82983) posted at 6:05 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Beautifully written!:)

posts: 205   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2023   ·   location: SW USA
id 8792354
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 6:18 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Great post Oldwounds. I missed my last antiversary post because, quite honestly, I forgot. If I were as good of a writer as you, I think I would have written something similar. smile

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2167   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8792358
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 6:22 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Emergent8-

Thank you for the kindness.

Although, I think your update may indeed be more powerful:

I missed my last antiversary post because, quite honestly, I forgot.

This is awesome!

Living in the now it seems like from here, and yet, you're back here in the trenches paying it forward as a Guide!

So cool Emergent, I hope the healing continues!

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4721   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792360
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 6:24 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Hey Tanner!

This is a great update, Congratulations!!! Those dents and scars have helped so many here on SI, I'm definitely one of them. Thank you for paying it forward.

This from a dude who is literally a non-aid volunteer helping others everyday -- so thank you too Tanner for all the work, and the help!

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4721   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792362
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:45 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

THANK YOU for posting this in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread!!!! What an EPIC post...as always!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6624   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8792457
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 3:03 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

THANK YOU for posting this in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread!!!! What an EPIC post...as always!!!

Absolutely W2BHA! I hadn’t posted up there in that thread in a couple years or so, it was time for an update on my favorite SI thread. And thanks for all the help along the way and for the kind words.

It was also nice to see Sisoon, Cap, Luna10, Bearly and some of the SI vets I haven’t got to thank (again) yet for chiming in on this update.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4721   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792460
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 3:07 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Oldwounds, always happy to "see" you. I have been here through your journey and watched as you found yourself and healed.

Thank you for continuing to contribute to this community. I hope life in general treats both you and wife well.

There is definitely life after infidelity. Enjoy it and each other.

If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 16686   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Anywhere and everywhere
id 8792461
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 4:29 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Thanks a bunch WOEZ!

There is definitely life after infidelity. Enjoy it and each other.

So much life! I hope all is swell with you and HT (I miss HT’s direct, cut through all the bull, stone cold logic posts).

And thanks for your continued leadership and contributions to a place that helped me and my M!

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4721   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792471
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neverwithoutmychildren ( new member #83268) posted at 6:41 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Thanks for sharing!

It definitely gives a more positive outlook to a possible future for those considering R or even elsewise.

Still reflecting on the "old marriage / new marriage" and appreciate your perspective on that.

Looking forward to reading your next annual review and all that is to come!

Heartbroken / Married 9 years / BW 47 / WH 44 / 6 month EA / DDay 19Mar23

posts: 16   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2023
id 8792493
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 8:30 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Hey Never --

Sorry to see you here with us.

Still reflecting on the "old marriage / new marriage" and appreciate your perspective on that.

There is definitely more than one perspective on this, go with your gut on your own approach.

And, you're very, very early in to this very long road back. I hope that you will be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself and allow for some additional anger and sadness along the way as you process it all.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4721   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792509
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 8:48 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

What a gorgeous post. smile

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1335   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8792517
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 9:46 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Congratulations, and thank you!

BW
Recovered
Reconciled

posts: 558   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8792526
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 6:54 PM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2023

Sacredsoulsister -

What a gorgeous post.

A very kind take indeed, thanks very much!

And thanks OntheothersideofHell, Hardknocks, TheEnd, and everyone else who took the time to read the update.

Another update -- time to take my annual hiatus from all things Internet. This includes the lovable SI for a while. I think the longest no-net break I took was 6-7 months.

I find the lack of TV news, Internet social media, talking heads, etc., tends to help life be better.

When I talk about where to focus energy on ourselves or relationships, I find taking my own advice and actually using it, is kind of nice.

Months at a time when I am focusing on family, friends, travel, tracking down sunsets, good food, and all of the good stuff, the world ain't so bad.

The trauma we all lived through -- infidelity and all the other things we deal with in a cold, harsh reality -- takes a toll.

I don't like buzz words, like 'toxic' or concepts that suggest we should all be happy all the time-- there is always good and bad when we look for it.

Off to focus on the good stuff best I can and will visit here to catch up with SI in hopes everyone has healed some more along the way.

Early retirement starts soon, got our last ever house, our base of operations for travel and....some better memories.

Thanks for all of you making SI what it is, a place to recover from some of the worst pain humans can experience!

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:39 PM, Tuesday, May 30th]

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4721   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8793116
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 7:20 PM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2023

This rings so true to me. We are crossing the year 6 marker currently, and I am in awe of how much growth there has been. I relate a lot to your post.

I always liked how you have framed it as you have learned how to be married. The big over arching thought I have been having lately is that I now know what people mean when saying they are building a relationship, the passivity in which I approached marriage prior boggles my mind.

Thank you for always being a source of hope here for me. You are one of the people who made me believe it’s possible at times it felt impossible.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7301   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8793122
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 7:57 PM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2023

Hey Hiking --

I always liked how you have framed it as you have learned how to be married.

I'm starting to think most folks don't know how to be married, and that they either learn and grow or walk away. The good examples of healthy relationships for any of us to base a marriage on are few and far between, at least in my world. My grandparents were angry and resentful of each other and stayed because they thought they HAD to. My Mom is twice divorced, both times for great reasons, and the third M scuffled for a while, and I did see them change for the better before my step-father passed. All my siblings are in second or third relationships, my youngest brother hasn't dated in a decade now, with no plans to ever have a serious relationship again.

Movies, books, TV shows, media, social media ALL contribute horrible ideas about supposed ideal relationships.

All that said, I'm not advocating for why people choose to look outside their marriage, it just seems there is a reason so many people need to work on themselves and work on the teamwork idea so often.

The big over arching thought I have been having lately is that I now know what people mean when saying they are building a relationship, the passivity in which I approached marriage prior boggles my mind.

Me too. I thought if I put my head down, earned money, played with the kids and watched a movie with the Mrs. -- we were golden.

I thought people get married, put up the white picket fence, add a couple rug rats to the world, walk the dogs everyday and spike the ball at the end.

Connectivity, acceptance, ego, esteem and all of those human attributes that need work and constant care is the stuff no one talked about and too few talk about it now.

Thank you for always being a source of hope here for me. You are one of the people who made me believe it’s possible at times it felt impossible.

Very kind of you to say, but if any of my ramblings helped you, it maybe evens up all those helpful, bravely posted, articulate observations that you have shared here that helped my wife understand the work she needed to do to be a healthier, happier version of herself.

Thanks again and I hope your healing continues!

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:57 PM, Tuesday, May 30th]

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4721   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8793133
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 8:57 PM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2023

Connectivity, acceptance, ego, esteem and all of those human attributes that need work and constant care is the stuff no one talked about and too few talk about it now.

I agree. This is why we told our girls. We want them to understand what building a marriage can be.

Yes it’s work but isn’t this the most delicious part of your marriage? Kids gone, in love, enjoying and invested in each other? You know what you want, you say what you mean, and just riding in the car together sharing music or a laugh - it’s all the best feeling.

I will never advocate for the path that took me here but if I knew two people could do things the way we do I would have been doing all I could to figure that out.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7301   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8793144
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 9:24 PM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2023

Yes it’s work but isn’t this the most delicious part of your marriage?

Unique use of the word delicious, as a one time news scribe, I approve of this adjective.

Seems like I should amend my thoughts and add that it doesn't feel much like work anymore. Years of actively connecting and reaching for the other is more of a habit now.

Kids gone, in love, enjoying and invested in each other?

Definitely one of the highlights, although we now plan to haunt our grown up kids quite a bit over the next several years.

You know what you want, you say what you mean, and just riding in the car together sharing music or a laugh - it’s all the best feeling.

The thing about a foundation burning to ground, it really does allow for a level of authenticity I didn't even know was possible.

I do not miss the games we played or roles we thought we needed to fill.

It is a great feeling.

I will never advocate for the path that took me here but if I knew two people could do things the way we do I would have been doing all I could to figure that out.

I agree, there have to be far healthier, safer ways to rebuild and grow in a marriage.

But it is the path we're on NOW, and it's the one we're choosing. Sure seems to gets better as time rolls on.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4721   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8793150
Topic is Sleeping.
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