I lost my kitty three months ago….my sweet boy…my Theo. He was eleven…too young…too soon…lost years I was due because life has already taken so much. He was beautiful…Life was so gracious in how he was brought to me. And now Life seems cruel for taking him so soon…just nine years after I got him…and on the same day I lost my mom. The last phone call with my mom was actually about Theo…he had had surgery that day and I was worried about the anesthesia. Such relief to bring him home, groggy but whole…to only get the phone call three hours later that would shatter my world in a way unexpected. Like Loss and Grief had slipped in anyway…through a window while I was guarding the door. Partners in crime, Loss is the snatch-and-grab thief whereas Grief is the squatter…the one that comes to live in the subsequent void.
So here it is again - Grief…this shadowy mist that just hangs over every valley in my heart…that breaks and rolls to allow rays of sunshine before it closes in and envelopes all like it has actually become a part of me.
I know this territory…my own internal landscape…so I can continue to navigate the terrain of my life even in this mist. I also know well this shape-shifter cloud of Grief itself…that it will move and form, each day different from the prior. And I also know it will be but a season…that even Grief dies its own death, to then be rebirthed into Love once again. That the two are so interchangeable they cannot ever be truly separated.
And yet still, it is Grief…and it must live its life as I live mine…even we are so intertwined as to be interchangeable. This is simply the cloak it is wearing today. Like the mist it will eventually lift and roll out; and it will return again, dressed in different attire.
Yet even though I know this dance, try to give myself over to the music of Life, it hurts when Grief cuts in to lead, and when it seemingly missteps so squarely on my toes. I am no longer dancing but being pulled through the music, swirled and spun now from having lost the beat some three steps ago. I know that I will eventually find the music again…but for the moment I have no choice but to let Grief lead.
So here it is again this morning…up early and screaming to be fed - same as the other cat that remains. The wrong cat - if there can be such a thing. The sweet and unique cat that would not possibly be the wrong cat in a different situation. But in this one, she always was…she was to be Theo’s companion not mine - for my heart was already full. And now we are left with each other…each with a void that neither can fill. It’s awkward and I honestly don’t know if it will ever change; the void must shape-shift as well.
I really miss him. It’s so strange to feel the ache in my heart and to realize how much I loved him - even more now than when he was here. Presence brings width and Grief brings depth. And soon enough the great divide of Time and Space will be irrelevant. Only Love exists any way…and Grief is just one component of that great Love.
Until then my sweet boy…until then. ❤️