I may be of a different mindset but the day I stopped being hyper vigilant about HIM was the day my life got better.
I decided I wasn’t going to be the marriage police. I’d had enough. My thought was he could rainy chest on a business trip (and maybe he has). He could find the next OW at a church or local coffee shop for all I know.
He knows there are no more chances and it’s not open to discussion. And while I would be upset if there was another affair I know I would survive it. I certainly would not be blindsided or devastated that’s for sure.
I have confidence in me
To add, if I wouldn’t have believed that my WH is capable of change and redemption I would have divorced, being the marriage police and attempting to prevent cheating is not a way to live your life, at least I don’t think so.
Call me naive but Reconciliation can only happen, in my view, if the BS holds a belief that the WS is capable of change and becoming a reliable partner. What’s the alternative? A life where you live next to enemy number 1 waiting for him to make the wrong move so you can catch him again?
Reconciliation also requires changes in the BS, recognising that perhaps they themselves need to put in work and ensure their own safety is driven by themselves, not by their partner, kids, parents, friends and so on. My safety, emotional and physical can only be driven by myself.
Don’t get me wrong, my hyper vigilance was sky high for a very long time, we implemented measures that I have rarely seen WSs here willing to accept. Some measures are still in place because they became linked to our new marriage dynamic: location services stays on and he has not missed a call from me during the last almost 6 years. He doesn’t care where he is he will answer my call. But this would not prevent another affair.
Other than that (and those as I said are not measures imposed by me nor something we discussed recently, it is just something habitual) I do not spend every day WH is in the office thinking he’s having an(other) affair. First because I do believe he regrets the day he set eyes on the Ow and has been desperately trying to make amends for everything, he’s worked pretty hard on changing who he is, started living in gratitude, dropped the conflict avoidance, communicates openly, assessed his values and understood why there was an exception to them when he made the choices he made.
Secondly because, as the1stwife said, I trust myself. I know that if I feel something is wrong again I’ll find out if he’s cheating and if he is, I trust myself to be ok. I’ve worked hard during the last 6 years or so to remind myself who I am, what I’m capable of and heal very old wounds. Whilst I still have some abandonment issues, I know how to deal with them.
In conclusion, besides therapy, in your shoes I’d ask myself this:
why is it that you don’t believe your WH is capable of change? has he actually changed and put a good amount of effort into becoming a reliable partner or has he just provided you with tools to monitor him and promised not to do it again? In other words, has he shifted the responsibility of not cheating onto you rather than himself?
What have you done to facilitate your recovery, healing and having a plan B, ensuring that, should this happen again, you can land on your feet and not fall apart (whilst no doubt painful)?
[This message edited by Luna10 at 10:37 AM, Friday, May 12th]