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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Just Found Out :
My husband confessed his 4 month affair and he got her pregnant.

Topic is Sleeping.

 SicilianBella (original poster new member #83319) posted at 12:38 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

I don't know how to start. I was referred to this forum from a friend who went through a terrible divorce, found it helpful.
So shared with me.

My husband, blindsided me on Saturday by confessing he has been sleeping with a woman he met during a holiday party, last year. They became sexually active in February. On Valentine's Day. She recently, became pregnant and had an abortion. Which despite everything, breaks my heart. I am pro choice, but I could NEVER kill a child. Regardless of how it came to be.

Our wedding anniversary is coming up on the 15th and he has been riddled with guilt. I noticed the change in my husband for some time. He has stopped having sex with me. He was cold and distant, I thought it was due to his work. I would initiate sex a lot he would always turn me down. Saying "I'm going to take a rain check." "Sorry, honey I'm tired."

He recently had a vacation we went home to Italy and he was very affectionate and kind, but no sex. So I just really backed off. I would ask him, is something wrong? Have I done something wrong? Finally are you just not attracted to me anymore?
He began getting upset. Crying. Saying it's not me, its him. He's going through something, and he's just not himself. He apologized profusely. He began Showering me with flowers and I would catch him looking at me sometimes and he had this look in his eyes, of not guilt, but like he was saying I'm sorry. He looked hurt. I just couldn't figure it out.

Since finding out I learned He has been going to confession at our Parish/church. He has been encouraged to confess, and try and save our marriage.

Since he confessed, we had a 6 hour talk.

1.He has tried being transparent and has allowed me to ask whatever questions I see fit.

2.He has
taken full responsibility for the affair.

3.Admits he made a conscious choice to cheat, acknowledging I did not push him into the arms of this other woman.

He's begging for forgiveness. I asked him to leave. He has, we have a lake house out of the city, he's there. Takes the train into work. I know it's a lot due to the immediacy of his job, but I can't be around him right now.

Yesterday, he stops by and he wanted to talk and see the kids. I went for coffee with a Male neighbor and my husband became enraged. It ended in a altercation.
Him grabbing me, pulling me by the hair and slapped me,,holding me down on the bed, demanding to know why I was with this man, saying he was obviously trying to F*** me. Saying he's been waiting for the day we divorced so he could get to me. insisting I talk to him, screaming at me, that he loved me, he will not lose me. He has a temper. But, he has never lot it on me. He has never laid hands on me. Afterwards he was hysterical. Apologized profusely, crying. Our kids were upset and worried. It was awful. I'm 5'6 my husband is a very fit 6'3. He is quite strong and he really scared me. I have never been in a altercation with a man. He didn't realize his own strength and I am lucky it wasn't worse.

My husband and I were married in 2011. He is a ER Doctor, works crazy hours and has on calls. Very hectic life. Which is how he was able to have this affair for 5 months. I'm a business owner and I spend a lot of time with the kids and working. We always had a good sex life,we always communicate and I didn't see any red flags for a affair. We have 2 kids. He's a great father he was a good husband.
He says he started the affair as emotional, they would see each other at a local neighborhood bar, have drinks and talk. She's married divorced! Has 4 kids. She works with her husband in a family business. Apparently they were having marriage problems.My husband was her go to. They had dinner a few times, met at a hotel Valentine's Day night. My husband and I didn't have anything, because he supposedly was the Doctor in charge that evening. But he was actually with her. It wasn't planned he was allowed to leave a bit earlier, he said she called him upset. They met up to talk at a hotel bar, had drinks and they ended up sleeping together.
This affair continues until April 30th. She tells him she's pregnant. By him. He did admit, he was going to tell me everything, he was not ok with this abortion. She was afraid of her husband finding out, she would lose everything. So she had an abortion. The affair has ended. I'm not sure if her husband knows or not. I did some research and I know the business they run together and where they live. She's still in the home as of today.
Today was the first day I've been alone, to sit and think. It's all collapsing in on me now. Its sinking in. My heart is ripped to shreds. I honestly do not know what to do, or say or think.
I don't believe in divorce, at least I didn't before this. My world is upside down. I'm questioning everything. Our neighbor the man my husband lost it over,has been super attentive today. He's a handsome man, and I keep telling myself keep him at bay. I don't want to do anything stupid. My one friend told what happened (I haven't even told family) she recommended that I have revenge sex and then figure it out. But I know it will be a colossal mistake. So maybe it is better to not associate with this man.
I've been reading and googling and trying to figure out where to start. Should I save my marriage? I do love my husband. I truly believes he loves me. He always says he loves me. He shows it. He's been so good to me. I just don't get where our marriage went down the drain!?
If I take him back, can it happen again? What if this betrayal has changed everything. He made a baby with another woman. He had unprotected sex with another woman. He lied to me.
I have so many crazy emotions and feelings. I think I'm losing my mind.
Add to the cheating and him getting her pregnant. He hit me. I'm sure and have bruises. I believe that he would have forced sex upon me if our daughter had not started banging on the door. He was in rage! He has never been this way before. He's never been jealous of me and another man.
I fear there has been a shift. I just want to make sure I make a smart decision. I know it will take time. I'm truly scared and feel paralyzed. I've read through the forum and healing library. I just need input, from those who have been through this.

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2023
id 8790146

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 12:58 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

Him grabbing me, pulling me by the hair and slapped me,,holding me down on the bed, demanding to know why I was with this man, saying he was obviously trying to F*** me.

He hit me. I'm sure and have bruises.

This. This right here will automatically make me tell you to RUN. You need as much space as you can get. He's projecting all his guilt and regret on you in an unhealthy and blatantly violent way. I honestly would tell you and your kids not to even be near him until he gets his sh!t together. Do not even entertain any thoughts about fixing this relationship until you're safe.

And if you have any doubts, reread what you wrote:

Our kids were upset and worried.

I believe that he would have forced sex upon me if our daughter had not started banging on the door.

Your kids should not be subjected to this chaos. Especially if they're young. And he was literally going to conduct marital rape on you. THAT IS NOT A SAFE MAN.

Your husband needs intense professional help. DO NOT entertain reconciliation until the situation stabilizes.

Look, I don't doubt that his love is real, but his actions are clearly not showing it. In fact, his actions are more of a possessive, selfish man. Affairs can bring out the worst in people. Kudos to him confessing, I guess, but his subsequent actions and treatment of you afterward put me on edge for you.

Please prioritize your and your children’s safety.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 1:23 AM, Tuesday, May 9th]

posts: 556   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8790149

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:40 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

In one paragraph you complained about him and his treatment of you(no sex) and in another you talk about him being a good man. One of those is the right description.
I have been married a long time and my husband has been plenty mad at me a few times. Not once has he ever hit me, thrown me down, screamed at me, accused me of cheating. There is something off here. Could he be using?
That kind of volatility means he is knee deep in something. The AP, drugs, mental breakdown, over work, which you now know was him using it as a way to cheat.
You need to go at slow speed right now. He needs IC yesterday!

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8790153

Mamabear2813 ( new member #83216) posted at 1:49 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

He physically assaulted you and would have sexually assaulted you— I’m concerned you don’t seem absolutely horrified by that. There is never ever ever ever an excuse for physical or sexual assault. You must have been terrified, and your poor children could hear him screaming at you and hurting you. They must have been so very scared. He’s not a safe person.

Step 1 is to tell trusted family members or friends, both about the affair and the assault. You need people who are looking out for you. Your "friend" who suggested a revenge affair is not helpful and is not understanding the seriousness of this situation. If your willing to file a police report about the assault, that would also be important. Bring a loved one with you.

Step 2 is to seek out a therapist. You need to process what has happened in recent weeks. It’s shocking and it’s a trauma to learn about an affair, and that the life you thought you had wasn’t a reality. You also should process why you would consider reconciliation with a man who physically assaulted you.

If your child came to you and shared the story you shared above, what would you tell them? To get OUT, I hope. To run safely away as quickly as possible. You are worthy of a safe life too.

Step 3 is to quietly consult some attorneys. Your husband will lose it when he realizes he’s losing control of you, and so you need to move carefully. But you also need the knowledge of what it would like to divorce him. Knowledge is power, and you need to take some power back.

Mostly, I want to say that you should be incredibly alarmed. You should not reconcile with someone who rages and harms someone they claim to love and who they supposedly want to stay married to.

I wonder if you have blinders on when it comes to your husband, and I wonder if you take a step back and start to look at the marriage a bit objectively, you’ll see he’s always liked control? That he did small things or said certain things to keep you in line. That he cares very much about his reputation and how people perceive him. And that his "temper" was actually a giant red flag. Also, now that he’s hit you once, statistically speaking he is much more likely to do it again.

He needs a year of INTENSIVE individual counseling, along with anger management, before you should even entertain a conversation about reconciliation.

Please be very very careful. You may not be in a place to believe it yet, but he’s not a good guy anymore and he’s devolving by the day. Please protect yourself and your children. Stay safe and I’m so sorry this is all happening.

[This message edited by Mamabear2813 at 1:54 AM, Tuesday, May 9th]

posts: 13   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: RI
id 8790155

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:04 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

Tuo marito e un porco e disgraziato!!!

Sorry fellow Siciliana… couldn’t help myself!

I was sympathetic to your husband up until the point where you said he assaulted you and you feared you would be raped. That’s completely unacceptable. You and your kids are not safe under the same roof as him. Do you have any friends or relatives you can stay with? Since you have multiple properties, could you stay at a different home for the time being?

Please get to a lawyer as soon as possible and figure out what your options are. Even if you don’t want to file for divorce immediately, you should at least get a consult for a clear

If you haven’t already, please document your injuries; you may need the evidence in case you choose to report his assault now or (god forbid) in the future.

Normally, I would advise you to tell the other betrayed spouse (OBS) but considering how dangerous and unpredictable your husband, I would hold off on doing that, at least for now.

Lastly, stay away from the neighbor. A revenge affair is not going to make you feel better and will only make your situation worse. Don’t dive into the pig’s trough just because your husband is already dirty.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2011   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8790156

 SicilianBella (original poster new member #83319) posted at 2:51 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

Bluerthanblue: Purtroppo...I believe you may be right. I have been reading as much as possible, about cheaters. About domestic violence. I'm afraid if I report him, he would lose his job, we would lose everything.
I do have a pretty successful business, but I couldn't afford to support the lifestyle my kids are used to. We must have his income.
He has moved out to the lake house. It was scary but, it scared him too when he snapped back into reality and realized he hurt me. Our daughter would not come to hug him. I believe that really put him in check. I'm not making excuses for what he did, at all! I will keep my distance. I have asked him to not come to the home. I asked him to face time the kids, or call. If he sees them, I do have his brother who will bring the kids to his home, or grandparents. I can stay clear.
He has never hurt me before. He's never yelled at me, not in that way. I don't believe he's using drugs. He wasn't drinking. He had come over and I didn't know if he suspected me of cheating. I wouldn't go through with sleeping with another man. I know it would make everything worse.
Maybe he had a mental break. Him trying to sexually force me. That was crazy! That has made me question everything. He knows marital rape is "rape" he would be locked up. So the fact that he attempted to do such a thing, is scary.
I believe it scared him too. He was very shaken afterwards. He was trying to apologize, the kids were crying. They've never seen their Dad behave like this.
I have family I can confide in, I haven't processed everything that has happened yet.
I want to tell her husband. However, I am afraid of the backlash. Maybe he knows?
I am being very cautious. I do understand it's not healthy for my children to be in a violent toxic environment. I refuse to a victim. But I don't feel safe stirring the pot and possibly costing him his career. That may really cause him to harm me.

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2023
id 8790160

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:14 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

Welcome to SI and sorry you had to find us. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, including a list of acronyms we use. Some of the pinned posts have good information, too. One good thing the posts taught me was to recover before trying to reconcile.

If your good friend related your story to you, what advice would you give?

The reason why he didn't want sex with you is that he'd be "cheating" on his girlfriend. If he has shown this type of behavior before, then it's likely that he's had more than one A. I'm sorry for the loss of the baby.

If they work together, is it possible that HR is involved and he told you because the poo is going to hit the fan? I

Maybe take some self-defense classes. He grabs your hair, come closer and hit the groin. Grabs your wrist, twist against the thumbs. Heal of your hand to the nose. Gouge the eyes. Swipe his knees from the sides.

You may want to invest in camcorders and voice activated recorders (VARs).

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8790165

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:45 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

I am so sorry you found yourself here. This is a trauma to you and you need to treat it as such. Be sure you’re eating well drinking lots of water getting enough sleep and getting some exercise every day. These will help your body and your mind. Also, even though it’s too early to make a decision, please see a lawyer to understand what divorce might look like. Knowledge is power and this is just a help to understand what that scenario would look like, and eliminate some of the fears.

Are usually recommend telling the OBS but I think you should hold off until you see if you’re going to R or D . as you noted . If you decide to D, it may behoove you to not tell the OBS until all divorce proceedings are finished. Do you want to make sure you don’t harm you or your children’s financial position. But if you’re going to R, or once those proceedings are done, then absolutely tell the OBS.

You are smart to allow yourself some time and space to think about things. Take all the time you need. Keep posting, read in the healing library, and read all the posts in the JFO forum I have bull’s-eyes on them. You may have to go back a few pages to find them. But those all have a wonderful resources for you.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8790169

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 5:12 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. It's a very scary situation.

First things first, I think you would be wise to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 for more information and resources in your area. You can also find help online. Once violence has been introduced, I think it's wise to prioritize safety. Oftentimes, we might advise a new BS to inform the other betrayed spouse or contact the WS's HR department and things of that nature. When the WS is volatile though, safety is the most important consideration.

What you've described sounds like really erratic behavior, even by the standards we see around here. I'm wondering, is it possible that there's some kind of drug use in play? It's not terribly unusual for infidelity and substance abuse to go hand in hand.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7061   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8790172

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 7:12 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

If he has never been violent before and never been this aggressive then there is no pattern here. It could entirely be attributed to the messy situation he himself created. He royally fucked and he knows you could leave him any moment now. He could lose you, his kids and a chunk of financial wealth. So, he is scared and agitated. And, then he learnt that you went to have coffee with your handsome neighbor to whom you might be attracted to some extent. I am not saying you are walking the same slippery slope. You are very much aware of how bad this is. I am just pin pointing where your husband went in rage mode. This doesn't excuse his behavior. He is obviously not safe for you. He has to see IC asap. You need time and space to think this whole situation with clear mind. If you chose to reconcile then remember you would be reconciling with the man who is not only capable of cheating on you but physically and sexually assault you. So, there are two hard issues that need to dealt with.

If not aggressive then has he ever been passive-aggressive towards you? Has he controlled you, your freedom, your choices and your movements in a passive-aggressive way? If yes, then such incidents can repeat.

If you believe informing OBS can put you in a physical harm then you need hold it off until you are safe. I would also advise you to stay away from that neighbor. This will definitely make your husband go crazy violent. Not safe for you and your kids.

If your daughter is affected by this then she needs help too. Help her in any way you can.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 5:12 PM, Tuesday, May 9th]

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8790180

NowWhat106 ( member #35497) posted at 9:05 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

I’m so sorry that you find yourself here, SicilianBella. It is a pain like nothing else. You have already gotten a lot of great advice.

Your WH is spiraling. He attacked you and hurt you in the presence of your children. He tried to sexually assault you. Please, please digest that. Please process that you are talking about him as if he is truly sorry for the pain he has caused while also saying this.

I refuse to a victim. But I don't feel safe stirring the pot and possibly costing him his career. That may really cause him to harm me

Some part of you is seeing clearly that he is capable of this. It is part of the mindf**ck of infidelity that our brains can’t fully comprehend what is right in front of us. So please hear your own words: you believe that your WH is capable of doing you physical harm. Your WH has already done you physical harm. IS THERE REALLY ANY REASONABLE EXPLANATION EVER FOR A SPOUSE TO ATTACK HIS WIFE??

So I’ll just gently observe that what is going on with your WH is not grief or remorse or jealousy. He is frantic and spiraling because he is LOSING CONTROL of you and the situation. THAT is what is making him behave so erratically. Not jealousy, but FURY that you are not under his control, that you went to coffee with someone, that you aren’t paralyzed and helpless. Not remorse, but anger that he has SAID he is sorry, he has done "all the right things," and you haven’t just gotten over it.

I recommend Sigyn’s thread in Just Found Out to you. It’s page after page of revealing descriptions of a WH that has huge control issues. Many of us have seen the control issues of our own WHs in her thread. Because most WHs suffer from some failing of empathy, they often don’t accept it well when their apology doesn’t just wipe the slate clean. They can’t quite believe that the situation is beyond their control. Your WH said that he WILL NOT lose you. He believes that is up to him.

You probably know this somewhere, but abusive people usually feel horrible afterwards. They apologize and make themselves into the victim too. It was all too much and beyond their control. The situation overwhelmed them. They sometimes even blame their victims. Their reaction can’t be interpreted as a sign that they won’t do it again because they DO. It is a typical pattern: abuse and shame.

Your WH sounds like he is shame spiraling—which ultimately is about him and how sorry he feels for himself that this is all going so badly for him and it is making him feel so shitty about himself. That is not sorry for the pain he has caused you. Shame is extremely destructive and does not promote seeking healthy behavior and making amends. Look up the difference between shame and guilt. Many WHs shame spiral over and over. It keeps the focus on them and their feelings. It can look to many BSs like they are really getting it and feeling remorse.

You’ve been given a lot of responses here. Keep reading. Keep processing. But PLEASE don’t believe that your WH is not going to hurt you. Believe what he has DONE, not what he has SAID.

Sending you huge hugs of support and strength. NW

Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
My marriage didn’t survive but I did

posts: 611   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012
id 8790183

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 9:23 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

So I’ll just gently observe that what is going on with your WH is not grief or remorse or jealousy. He is frantic and spiraling because he is LOSING CONTROL of you and the situation. THAT is what is making him behave so erratically. Not jealousy, but FURY that you are not under his control, that you went to coffee with someone, that you aren’t paralyzed and helpless.

This. Read this again and again. It's not remorse that made him apologize to you. It's the realization that such violent behavior will only make you leave this marriage. If he doesn't apologize and express his shame then you will leave him. It's this fear that made him to apologize to you. It's not enough. Its not okay. It's selfish and fulfils only his interest.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8790184

annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:20 PM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

Briefly, your husband needs IC. Intense IC. My uneducated guess is that he was enraged at the situation and took it out on you. That's why he needs therapy so his behavior never, ever happens again

Gently, it's wise to stay away from the male neighbor.

So maybe it is better to not associate with this man.

^^You've given yourself some great advice.

Find a good therapist for you and your children and give yourself time to think about what YOU want for your future.

At this point, I would keep discussions with your husband strictly to finances and children.

posts: 12178   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8790205

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:34 PM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

Ok. Don't call the police, and have him arrested.

Divorce him instead.

You think he snapped out of it,and felt bad. You're projecting your feelings onto him.

It doesn't matter if he does feel bad. It doesn't matter if he had a mental break. It doesn't matter if he was raging because you had coffee with a male friend. It doesn't matter why he did it.

He did it.

That's all that matters.

There is no excuse good enough, for beating your wife,nearly raping her, and terrifying and traumatizing your children.


If you attempt to reconcile, what message does that send to your children? To your daughter? It very clearly tells them abuse is sometimes ok, as long as the abuser is sorry. Imagine your daughter going through this with her husband, one day. Would you want her to let it go,and feel sorry for him? Or would you want her to divorce, and protect herself, and your grandchildren? How you conduct yourself, from this moment on, might determine how she would respond, if a man abuses her.

He's given you no choice.

Also..tell the OBS. He deserves to know.

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6773   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8790215

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:27 PM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

He had a glorified idea of who he is. People in positions of power often get very narcissistic, because no one tells them NO. The crazy thing is the more you pamper someone the more narcissistic they get. He had someone mooning over him and making him feel special, so they started a relationship. The man knows better than to have unprotected sex with another woman. He knows that and did not care. This tells me that his ego was so inflated that nothing and no one was going to stop him. He was feeling in love with her, feeling powerful, feeling ecstatic and euphoric and then all hell breaks loose because of a pregnancy that was aborted. Now his wife who used to think he was wonderful is telling him NO and to get out. He can’t handle it. Then she had the audacity to have coffee with another man. What a blow to that over inflated ego. He is Catholic, and went against the teachings and he doesn’t know what to do.

Until this guy gets he is not Mr. Wonderful he is not healthy emotionally. He needs some therapist to bring him back down to earth.

Good for you for making him leave.

Take care of yourself.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8790222

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 4:44 PM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

I don’t know if he is going to he abusive to you again. It could be a one time thing.

But now that he knows you are not reporting him or filing charges he has gotten away with it.

And that is the issue. He knows he can get away with it.

It just makes it easier the next time he goes into a rage 😡 against you for not doing what HE wants.

Think of it this way - he cheats and lies but you don’t attack him. You have one social event with a male friend and he goes CRAZY and physically attacks you.

I hope he is getting some professional help.

And I suggest you do the same.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13970   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8790225

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:47 PM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

I know you think his behavior is out of character, but a decent man does not suddenly attack his wife and attempt to rape her, no matter what kind of stress he is under. My guess is that you've been living with a very volatile and (at the very least) emotionally abusive man for a long time; you've just learned to walk on eggshells with him and avoid setting him off.

Ask him for a divorce and favorable settlement. If he agrees with no questions asked, then there is a chance he's genuinely remorseful for what he's done. But if he flies off the handle, says he won't let you go, that he will destroy you if you try to leave him, or threatens to kill himself, etc... then you will know for sure that he only cares about himself.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2011   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8790226

Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 7:42 PM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

You've gotten a lot of good advice. I'd like to add one more thing.

Don't involve yourself with any man right now, not just the neighbor. You are in a vulnerable place right now. After what transpired with your WH, it would be very easy to see another man as a knight in shinning armor. You should not be letting your neighbor be in a position to be attentive to you. It is asking for trouble, and you have enough trouble already. And I question his judgement in involving himself with a married woman who is newly separated and trying to figure her life out.

posts: 1730   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8790239

StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 10:09 PM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

I'm so sorry another human is putting you through all of this trauma. WTS, there is nothing I can say to him being reconciliation material.
1. He cheated
2. He's a physician and knows all about STDs and where babies come from, the fact he had unprotected sex, exposing you to STDs is unforgivable. The fact he impregnated another woman is also unforgivable
3. He struck you. Not only did he physically assault you, he did it in vicinity of where YOUR children could hear and possibly witness.
4. He would have raped you.

My ex husband, in 23 years, never struck me. Not once...until he did. The A wasn't the total deal breaker. Him laying hands on me finally woke me from my shock trance I'd been in for 2 weeks after Dday.
Look, I spent 3 years in law enforcement and saw a lot of DV. I personally experienced physical abuse from my stepfather for years and witnessed him kick my mom's ass more times than I care to remember.
It ALWAYS starts off mild. With my stepfather, he used to get jealous. Then he progressed to starting horrible verbal abuse. It was little boundary breaking steps at first. By the time I left, he'd put my mother in the hospital on some of those occasions. If you stay, it will get worse. Your H didn't even start off slow but leapt right to slapping you around. If you stick around, it will get worse. Every DV victim I interviewed said their man was a good man but but but. See where this is going. I don't care how long he went without getting to the point of slapping you around, the bottom line is he physically assaulted you and was going to sexually assault you. 23 years, that's a long time to toe the line. I bounced immediately after that because I'm not very good at being a victim.
My advice is to make a police report and take pictures. I get the financial aspect, but if you don't have a police report, if he hurts you again, he may get off lightly. I also advise you to get a restraining order for protection. If he's this unhinged now, what will he be like if you divorce him and he's alone with your children. You may not think he's capable of harming your kids, but as their mother, you must protect them. No parent whose children were murdered by the other parent EVER thought they were capable of harming the children.
You're in shock, but don't let that paralyze you from doing what you have to do.
I'm not big on reconciliation because most cheaters are just POS, but there are some good folks here who came back from adultery and reconciled. I don't know one DV victim whose spouse was redeemable. Cheating should have been a hard boundary with little wiggle room. Slapping you around, that's a boundary you should never move or give wiggle room for.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6099   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8790249

 SicilianBella (original poster new member #83319) posted at 4:22 AM on Sunday, May 14th, 2023

The responses have been so very helpful. This has been a HARD week.
Everyone was correct. He is spiraling. We met publicly, he answered all the questions I had. I feel honestly. He never cheated before, he says he was so angry with himself for lying and betraying me. He admitted that he was in a terrible mental space because he knows he was a piece of shit for betraying his family and especially his kids.
He was in tears explaining his remorse for hitting me and raping me. He has sought help. He admits his outburst terrifies him. He can't believe he put his hands on me. My injuries were worse days after. I have bruises, scratches and I'm sure as hell. I took photos of myself, just in case. I showed him these photos and he broke down crying.
I believe my husband is remorseful. I believe my husband loves me. I don't believe he would ever cheat again. He's a real mess. He's reached out to the church, to family begging for help. This is not my husbands character. He admitted he doesn't know himself. That scares the hell out of me. Because that means he can very possibly flip out again. If he doesn't know himself anymore? He's so self enraged he lashes out. He beat me. He basically raped me. I spoke with a Doctor and recieved a exam, he did penetrate me so, it's technically rape.
I am torn over the affair and the fact he got this woman pregnant. But my breaking point is my kids. What they saw and heard. That is what hurts me the most. I have bruises around my neck and my youngest keeps asking me if I hurt. It does a little bit, I bruise easily, it looks worse than it is. When my husband saw me and the bruises, his immediate reaction was, he stopped in his tracks, and covered his mouth with his hands in shock. He cannot believe he hurt me. He was trembling and crying. He admitted to his father that he wants to take a shot gun and blows his brains out because he hit his wife. He hates himself.
I'm afraid of him. He's come undone. I can't get past the affair, I can't believe he made a baby with another woman. I cannot believe he hurt me. I love him but, I can't see myself ever going back to being his wife.

So I told him gently but firmly I want a divorce. I took days off work, I sent the kids to their grandparents and I just thought long and hard about all he put me through. I just can't see a way forward.
I am Catholic and I do hate divorce. I do not feel the same. Something shifted. He has never tried to control me. He's never spoken disrespectful towards me. We had always had a good marriage. This is killing me inside. I do not take this lightly. I can say, If I felt differently, if I could get past his discretion. I do believe my marriage could be saved and I can say I believe he would not hurt me or cheat. But I felt something inside of me die.It started when he confessed,gave details of his affair. While he had me pinned down one hand covering my mouth and him assaulting me, in my ear, asking me if what I wanted was sex, is that why I was letting this man try to Fuck me(I was just having coffee, nothing more. He was sitting close to me. I dont know how he got the idea, he wanted sex.) Something switched off inside my heart.
This meeting was awful. But I had to let him know, I cannot forgive him. It was a terrible and sad conversation. But he said he loved me. He was so ashamed. He agreed to the divorce. He agrees I deserve better. Profusely apologizing.
He was calm and measured. His old self a bit. I believe it's due to the fact he's sought the help of his father and other men he looks up to for advice.
Everything was calm for a couple days or so. My father in law and I spoke. He's a wonderful man. He told me he was sorry. My husband has been staying at his parents, took some time off from work to collect himself. He's been upset, ashamed and throwing up! He's crumbling because he has destroyed his family. He's let the kids down and I know that is unbearable for him. But why didn't he think of this BEFORE he slept with this woman?
I apologize my mind is mush. I haven't been able to sleep, the stress of all of this is compounding.
I have so many unfamiliar decisions to make. He's agreed he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He claims to understand that I can't forgive. But he is calling and texting me, saying he loves me. He sent Rose's. He's not bombarding me with take me backs. He agrees to help me with whatever I need, but he will not cease the love text etc.
I'm afraid it will escalate to him deciding not to sign divorce papers. I think were both in shock. This happened so quickly.
I hear the OBS has found out,I am not sure of exact details, but he confronted my husband. This all feels surreal. I still feel disbelief. Emense sadness. I just want to sleep. While writing out this comment I have received 4 text from my husband.
How long will it be before I begin to feel like I can get a handle on this situation.
I just feel clouded and like a million pounds weighing down on me.

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2023
id 8790836
Topic is Sleeping.
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