My husband confessed his 4 month affair and he got her pregnant.

I don't know how to start. I was referred to this forum from a friend who went through a terrible divorce, found it helpful.
So shared with me.

My husband, blindsided me on Saturday by confessing he has been sleeping with a woman he met during a holiday party, last year. They became sexually active in February. On Valentine's Day. She recently, became pregnant and had an abortion. Which despite everything, breaks my heart. I am pro choice, but I could NEVER kill a child. Regardless of how it came to be.

Our wedding anniversary is coming up on the 15th and he has been riddled with guilt. I noticed the change in my husband for some time. He has stopped having sex with me. He was cold and distant, I thought it was due to his work. I would initiate sex a lot he would always turn me down. Saying "I'm going to take a rain check." "Sorry, honey I'm tired."

He recently had a vacation we went home to Italy and he was very affectionate and kind, but no sex. So I just really backed off. I would ask him, is something wrong? Have I done something wrong? Finally are you just not attracted to me anymore?
He began getting upset. Crying. Saying it's not me, its him. He's going through something, and he's just not himself. He apologized profusely. He began Showering me with flowers and I would catch him looking at me sometimes and he had this look in his eyes, of not guilt, but like he was saying I'm sorry. He looked hurt. I just couldn't figure it out.

Since finding out I learned He has been going to confession at our Parish/church. He has been encouraged to confess, and try and save our marriage.

Since he confessed, we had a 6 hour talk.

1.He has tried being transparent and has allowed me to ask whatever questions I see fit.

2.He has
taken full responsibility for the affair.

3.Admits he made a conscious choice to cheat, acknowledging I did not push him into the arms of this other woman.

He's begging for forgiveness. I asked him to leave. He has, we have a lake house out of the city, he's there. Takes the train into work. I know it's a lot due to the immediacy of his job, but I can't be around him right now.

Yesterday, he stops by and he wanted to talk and see the kids. I went for coffee with a Male neighbor and my husband became enraged. It ended in a altercation.
Him grabbing me, pulling me by the hair and slapped me,,holding me down on the bed, demanding to know why I was with this man, saying he was obviously trying to F*** me. Saying he's been waiting for the day we divorced so he could get to me. insisting I talk to him, screaming at me, that he loved me, he will not lose me. He has a temper. But, he has never lot it on me. He has never laid hands on me. Afterwards he was hysterical. Apologized profusely, crying. Our kids were upset and worried. It was awful. I'm 5'6 my husband is a very fit 6'3. He is quite strong and he really scared me. I have never been in a altercation with a man. He didn't realize his own strength and I am lucky it wasn't worse.

My husband and I were married in 2011. He is a ER Doctor, works crazy hours and has on calls. Very hectic life. Which is how he was able to have this affair for 5 months. I'm a business owner and I spend a lot of time with the kids and working. We always had a good sex life,we always communicate and I didn't see any red flags for a affair. We have 2 kids. He's a great father he was a good husband.
He says he started the affair as emotional, they would see each other at a local neighborhood bar, have drinks and talk. She's married divorced! Has 4 kids. She works with her husband in a family business. Apparently they were having marriage problems.My husband was her go to. They had dinner a few times, met at a hotel Valentine's Day night. My husband and I didn't have anything, because he supposedly was the Doctor in charge that evening. But he was actually with her. It wasn't planned he was allowed to leave a bit earlier, he said she called him upset. They met up to talk at a hotel bar, had drinks and they ended up sleeping together.
This affair continues until April 30th. She tells him she's pregnant. By him. He did admit, he was going to tell me everything, he was not ok with this abortion. She was afraid of her husband finding out, she would lose everything. So she had an abortion. The affair has ended. I'm not sure if her husband knows or not. I did some research and I know the business they run together and where they live. She's still in the home as of today.
Today was the first day I've been alone, to sit and think. It's all collapsing in on me now. Its sinking in. My heart is ripped to shreds. I honestly do not know what to do, or say or think.
I don't believe in divorce, at least I didn't before this. My world is upside down. I'm questioning everything. Our neighbor the man my husband lost it over,has been super attentive today. He's a handsome man, and I keep telling myself keep him at bay. I don't want to do anything stupid. My one friend told what happened (I haven't even told family) she recommended that I have revenge sex and then figure it out. But I know it will be a colossal mistake. So maybe it is better to not associate with this man.
I've been reading and googling and trying to figure out where to start. Should I save my marriage? I do love my husband. I truly believes he loves me. He always says he loves me. He shows it. He's been so good to me. I just don't get where our marriage went down the drain!?
If I take him back, can it happen again? What if this betrayal has changed everything. He made a baby with another woman. He had unprotected sex with another woman. He lied to me.
I have so many crazy emotions and feelings. I think I'm losing my mind.
Add to the cheating and him getting her pregnant. He hit me. I'm sure and have bruises. I believe that he would have forced sex upon me if our daughter had not started banging on the door. He was in rage! He has never been this way before. He's never been jealous of me and another man.
I fear there has been a shift. I just want to make sure I make a smart decision. I know it will take time. I'm truly scared and feel paralyzed. I've read through the forum and healing library. I just need input, from those who have been through this.

58 comments posted: Friday, May 12th, 2023