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Newest Member: PMSandvig

Just Found Out :
I'm a broken mess

Topic is Sleeping.

 brainybird66 (original poster new member #83082) posted at 4:13 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I'm a new member in the club nobody wants to be in. Bear with me, I'm part of the walking wounded and this is my story:
I have been in a serious long-term relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years. Six months into dating, there was another betrayal, not cheating and not a break-up, but something happened(I don't feel that I can talk about it here, but just know, it was really bad.) He was so remorseful and seemed so genuine at the time, I really believed it was all due to a miscommunication, amd I let him back into my life. Our relationship continued to grow for 10 more years.
D-Day was March 7, 2023. It was the second day of my workweek, so I was busily plugging away. The night before, a notification appeared on Facebook messenger that someone was trying to send me a message. I initially ignored it because I've gotten these messages in the past from hackers. During the next afternoon though, when I was taking a lunch break, something made me take a look at the message and I couldn't make heads or tails of what I was seeing. A woman had contacted me to tell me she had met my boyfriend back in July 2022 and had not been aware of me until the past Sunday(I think it was March 5). She wanted to tell me she was devastated as she didn't know about me, had been struggling with reaching out to me, but felt that I should know "about finding out he was a pathological liar and opportunist." My first reaction was one of disbelief, this had to be someone who was just a whacko who had some prior connection to him. I felt sure my boyfriend would tell me he had no idea who in the world this was either, I was that trusting. When I called him, he didn't answer, so I texted him to call me as I had gotten a disturbing message. When he texted me back asking me if I wanted him to see me to talk about it, my heart literally sank all the way from my chest to the floor of the car. I called him back immediately and this time he answered. I went right into asking who this woman was. He repeated he wanted to sit down with me, and I told him no, he was going to tell me now! He finally admitted to meeting up with her. I had to push him to get the truth out, asking, you met her and then what? He had trouble answering so I continued to push. You met her and then what? Did you do more? He said he did more. I finally came right out, and said, did you sleep with her? He said yes. My heart started beating a million miles a minute and I just started shaking. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, it was like suddenly I had tunnel vision and a loud roaring in my ears. Then he started in with the excuses, telling me how he had thought I had broken up with him last July. The story with that: half of my family was going on a cruise this April 2023, which I was reluctant to tell him about right away, and he found out during my mother's 80th birthday dinner. I pulled him aside that night and told him I was sorry I didn't tell him right away, explaining that he wasn't being excluded, most of my family was actually not going on this cruise as well as him. He had also been okay 4 years ago when my mother and I went on a vacation by ourselves. Also, the two of us were actually going on a cruise in a couple of weeks ourselves. After we talked, he seemed to accept this, and everything went on seemingly normal. We did go on our cruise and had a wonderful time. During no time from then on was there any indication of a problem.
Back to March 7. I don't remember the drive back home.And somehow or other, I managed to show up for work the next day, and the next. I told myself I would not wallow in self-pity. But on the inside I am screaming. I honestly feel like I'm going crazy at times. I have been scouring the internet in between working and when I'm at home, looking up every article on infidelity, even digging to see if he is on secret dating profiles. Nobody would suspect I am a functioning human being, but at my very core I am wretched. It feels like a million tiny knives are sticking into my heart. I go back and forth between being grateful that the other woman reached out to me, she was an unsuspecting victim herself,telling me she had been cheated on 10 years ago by her ex-husband who had an affair when she was giving birth to their first child and had no desire after just getting into the dating world to be "the other woman", to hating her and ruminating over and over just how many times the two of them dated, how many times were they in bed together, when my boyfriend was with me, was he secretly texting her, just every scenario you can think of. What adds to the mess is he and my brother had become very close friends over the past few years. My brother is stepping back right now to process everything. Right now he is away on business, but indicated to me that when he returns and is ready, he will "deal" with him."(No, not beat him up-my brother is not like that!) The unspoken implication is, he will break all contact with him. For my sake. Because his(as well as my whole family's) strict loyalty is to me.
This man was with me every holiday, has sat down with my family, was friends not only with my brother, but my sisters as well, and I don't know how he had the audacity to look them in the eyes when he was betraying me behind their backs. He gave me some story on the phone March 7, again how he had thought back in July for the trip he wasn't included in, that we had broken up, he loves me, but we should have been married by now, I was starting to see him less and less(this has been true for a few months, but I just started a new job while working on the side for my previous job, and I was exhausted all of the time, in between trying to be there for my mother. I also had some real upheavals in the past three years, being laid off from a job I had for 15 years, then 4 days after that my father dying, changing jobs a couple of time until I found the right fit, and my mother's aging process.)
My sister-in-law said a few days after March 7, he reached out to her, telling her he made a "terrible mistake, and I would never trust him again." I almost felt like laughing. He "loves" me, yet the minute a problem came up in our relationship, he made the conscious decision to go out and seek another woman claiming he "thought I had broken up with him." I also wonder if EVERYTHING in our relationship was a lie. Was he seeing others? If so, how many? What else besides infidelity was he keeping from me? There are also the practical things to consider, like did he expose me to a potential STI or STD? My feelings are going up and down like a rollercoaster. One moment I feel calm, then the next suddenly I'm shaking and feeling like I'm going to throw up. It got so bad yesterday that after lunch at work I called my manager to let her know I wasn't feeling well.(She is a very nice person, and said not to worry, just go home and rest.)I am so full of anger, sadness, disappointment, you name it. The proverbial knife has been stuck in my back. I feel like it was all jokes on me, the trusting fool, and am a sad loser who is now doomed to be alone for the rest of my life.

I'm well on my way to true healing

posts: 21   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8782880

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:38 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Get tested for stds immediately.

You weren't broken up when he started this affair. He knows that. It's a flimsy excuse he's used.

The reason you weren't seeing him much the last few months isn't because of your job,it's because he's been having an affair, and making the effort to see her.

Cheating isn't a mistake. It's a choice.

Stay no contact with him.

You wouldn't have found out if she didn't tell you. The chances this was the only time he cheated are slim.

He says he's sorry now? He wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:39 PM, Saturday, March 18th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6705   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8782883

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:55 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

So sorry you had to find us. Please take the time to focus on you and your healing. If you have any issues with depression or sleeping, ask your doctor for meds.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum and the Healing Library that have a lot of helpful information.

Infidelity is the absolute worst thing.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3470   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8782884

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:21 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I’m sorry he has done this to you, what you are feeling is a roller coaster of emotions. Everything you describe is to be expected, you have to take care of yourself.

He is lying to you, he is only worried about himself. He will blame shift gaslight and manipulate you. I understand your anger but thankfully the OW reached out and let you in on the secret.

You will get through this.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3457   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8782887

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:51 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Hi bird66

You’ve gotten good advice already. I’ll add a few more things.

1) This is 100% on him. Your relationship may have had issues but there is NO EXCUSE for cheating. Don’t let him blame you for anything. If he was unhappy he had many other options — communication, counseling, separation, break-up, etc…. He CHOSE to cheat.

2) This is a trauma to your system. You need to take of yourself physically. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol (ask me how I know this one sad ), get some daily exercise and sleep. If you are struggling to eat, try protein shakes. If you are struggling to sleep or have anxiety, see your doctor.

3) While at the doctor, get a full panel STD test. don't be embarrassed. Our doctors have seen it all, and they can be very supportive. Do not have unprotected sex with him until BOTH of you are tested and you see the results.

4) You weren’t married, and common law is only recognized in a very few states, so do some research. I was in a 25 year relationship without M, and it meant there was no splitting of assets. I recommend a visit with a lawyer to make sure you understand any rights you do have so you can protect your future. Related to that, protect your financial assets. If you have joint accounts, take your share out. If you have joint credit cards, cancel and open your own. The last thing you need is for him to add to your pain.

5) Get support for yourself. IC (individual counseling) can help you plan a path forward. We do not recommend MC at this stage. Your relationship didn’t cheat, he did. He needs to get into IC to dig into WHY he allowed himself to cheat. I am glad your family knows and are supporting you. This will be very helpful.

6) read in the Healing Library and all the posts in the JFO forum with the bullseye marks (go back a few pages looking for them). These are the best of the best and will provide lots of great help.

The roller coaster is real. You will be up down all around for a while. It stinks and is really really hard. But it WILL get better. Trust that you can and will get through it.

Are you financially stable? do you have kids or own a home together?

Keep posting- we’ve all walked the same path and understand what you are going through. Sending strength.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 6:52 AM, Sunday, March 19th]

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6016   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8782891

Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 6:19 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Welcome to SI.

So sorry that you are hurting.

I just highlighted somethings that jumped out to me.

my heart literally sank all the way from my chest to the floor of the car

My heart started beating a million miles a minute and I just started shaking. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, it was like suddenly I had tunnel vision and a loud roaring in my ears

I honestly feel like I'm going crazy at times.

I promise you, you are not going crazy.

Here's a link with six pages of BS's here going through the same thing as you are going through now.

"What physical symptoms of A did you have?"

The weekends here are slow.

Please stick and read the healing library as we wait for others to come to help you or give advice.

I will link the healing library for you too.

Hugs to you.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5516   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8782897

ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 3:53 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

I'm sorry you are here. First things first - breathe and KNOW that even thought it feels impossible right now that you WILL get through this. Please look to the healing library (as I'm sure you have based on your scouring the internet comment) for some help/words that might comfort you (a bit). 10 years is a long time - more than a lot of marriages even last so I presume you have financial entanglements as well as emotional ones.

The main piece of advice I wish I had taken sooner when I first found out about my WHs infidelity was this: start making an exit plan...NOT because you are going to take it but because IF you decide later on that you need to leave you will have a plan in place. If this means saving some money then do it. If it means looking for a different job (you said you are working but if you are part time look for full time) - look (you don't have to take it if you find one. If you have kids, start preparing for where you will go if you need to relocate. Do whatever you need to do to make it so you CAN leave (or have him leave) if that is what you decide to do later. For me, I decided 1.5 years later that I needed to go and only then did I start planning an exit as I was not able to up and leave at that moment because of financial issues. It took me another year to get my financial ducks in a row and during that time COVID lockdowns came so I ended up having to stick around for almost 2 years before being able to leave. Had I made a goal and started working toward it I would not have had to sit through that.

And give yourself a break. This is not your fault. This has nothing to do with your attractiveness physically or otherwise. There are a million ways to leave someone if you are unhappy that don't involve dishonesty of any kind nevertheless this level of it. You will be okay - time is your friend here.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2357   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8782965

 brainybird66 (original poster new member #83082) posted at 3:29 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Thanks for your kind words. It’s been almost two weeks, but it seems like it happened two months ago-time feels very warped for me right now.

I know in my heart telling him goodbye as soon as I knew the truth was the absolute right thing to do.

Luckily for me, I have no ties to him otherwise-nothing financially, no kids, etc. He has his own place too.

So it’s a clean break, as painful as it is.

Last week I had all these thoughts about how I needed to reach out to him, make him explain how he could do this to me, drag the full truth out of him. But I feel now it’s best it ended with my words, "I’m done. Goodbye." As much as I think it would "help" me to get closure, since more time has passed I realize this would be a very bad idea. I will never get the real answers, the loop will never be closed in my mind, and in the long run it would only hurt me more.

I have made the slow withdrawal, deleting him from my contacts with on my phone and getting rid of things I have of his(small things, like T shirts).

Thankfully he has stayed away. I am not sure if he’ll try to contact me, but if he does, I will not answer him.

Based on the first thing that happened years ago, since this second huge betrayal I know now the kind of person he really is and the break-up had to be. I don’t need any more examples.

I am starting counseling tomorrow; free through my employer’s EAP.

My words of wisdom to anyone else in my situation, who has had a betrayal of any kind and felt compelled to give them another chance, because their words and actions at the initial time seemed genuine:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time.”

[This message edited by brainybird66 at 5:04 PM, Sunday, March 19th]

I'm well on my way to true healing

posts: 21   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8783015

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:39 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Glad you have a plan and recognize that for your this is the time to end this relationship.
You’ll have ups and downs and 2nd guess yourself. You might try writing out WHY you need to walk away. This trauma and his prior betrayal and how he’s walked away. It will help steel you when you feel weak.

Hang in there.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6016   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8783033

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:55 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

I’m sorry for your pain and heartbreak.

Closure from this guy? Doubtful. The conversation (I suspect) would be more lies and only make you more upset.

If his "best" (eye roll here) 🤪was that he thought you broke up with him — well he will continue to play that card and never admit the truth. He knew you never broke up with him. He just used it as an excuse to lie to you to justify his choices.

I’m my early 20s I dated a serial cheater. I had no idea but after 6 months a friend of friend told me. So I ended it immediately. He insisted on "closure" in an attempt to lovebomb me and try to lie his way out of it.

I decided never to do that again - no one gets an opportunity to sit and lie to my face and use it as an excuse for "closure".

You did the best thing - ending it very quickly and firmly.

You owe him nothing. And he will never give you what you deserve.

Glad you are moving on. Sorry it had to happen this way.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13946   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8783037
Topic is Sleeping.
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