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Divorce/Separation :
I just don’t understand

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Helena67 (original poster member #80506) posted at 6:56 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

So I received a massage from my STBXH. He was informing me that I am going to receive a letter from his lawyer.

It is a year ago that he admitted to have fallen in love with somebody else barf .

More then a year has passed and every time he sends me a massage it breaks me. I just don’t understand it.

I just don’t understand what has happened to us. What happened with the love we used to have for each other? What happened to the man I just to know? There was a time we just couldn’t wait to see each other. There was a time we had a lot of fun together. There was a time we loved each other. There was a time we trusted each other.

Were did that love go? I still love him. I still do. What happened with his love? Was he unhappy? Was it me? Was it life?

I just don’t understand. I just don’t.

[This message edited by Helena67 at 7:00 PM, Friday, February 24th]

BS (me) 56 years. Divorced!!!

posts: 128   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8779287
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 8:39 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

It was the most painful thing I ever experienced.

I took my vows very seriously so have no answers for you but wanted to express empathy.

I am sure other people will be weighing in soon.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1610   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8779307
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Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 9:24 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

He's a shithead who doesn't know what true happiness is. He’s wallowing in his mud puddle thinking he’s happy. But we all know that the puddle will dry up eventually.

It was not you; you are the prize! Take care of yourself! (((hugs)))

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."

posts: 366   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8779317
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 11:58 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

It was him, not you. And what happened was he was shallow. You aren't. His moral compass is broken and he's selfish. You aren't. Sadly, it's really that simple. Not today, not for a while, but one day you will look back and you will 1) realize he did you a favor because he saved you from wasting your time on someone who didn't have the same loyalty as you, 2) you will laugh at the old you that used to care for such a waste of your time and energy and think "This guy cannot be the man that had me crying! Not THIS MF'er", 3) your life will get so much better without this selfish F'er, 4) you will be the one laughing last and best.
But it takes time. Do your best to detach. Do NOT for one second blame yourself for his inadequacies. And be kind to yourself. When the pain recedes, start working to make your life so amazing that he won't even be an afterthought.
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Sadly you have to go through it first.
I, and almost everyone else on here, have once been where you are and having to put ourselves back together.
I'm not the one crying anymore. Three guesses who is now and who wished I'd take him back.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6085   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8779335
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 Helena67 (original poster member #80506) posted at 12:40 PM on Saturday, February 25th, 2023

Thank you for your support, Shehawk, Hannah and StillLivin. It means a lot to me. (((Hughs))).
I have received the letter from the lawyer. It has begun……. I must think about what steps to take.

BS (me) 56 years. Divorced!!!

posts: 128   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8779367
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:24 PM on Saturday, February 25th, 2023

Helena,

I am sorry you are hurting. I am about the same age and learned my partner of 25 years cheated just as I turned 50. A few things that have helped me (beside time). Working in therapy to see my M as it was, not how I viewed it from rose-colored glasses. As I heal, I see more and more how it was unhealthy for me and not the "perfect M" I thought it was. I also wrote down those things he did that were really over teh top but I compensated. I thought I was living the fairy tale because I really wanted to be in the fairy tale. There is no fairy tale.

Once I pulled that off, I could see that his issues were his. How he treated me and cheated on me were about him, not me. I am enough and have always been enough. My morals and boundaries were (and are) strong. He was weak and felt he was above the morals and vows and promises. And I loved him. I really did. And I respect that in me - that i loved him. But now, with time, I have fond memories for our early years, but see him as the broken, deeply flawed, hurtful man he became, and that person I do not love. I reached indifference about him.

By the way, I still have anger and hurt at what happened. But it no longer brings me to my knees or gives me more than a moment’s pause. I was injured. It was unfair and so painful. But with time you learn to live with it like a trick knee when it rains. And life opens up in wonderful ways. I had to feel that anger and pain for a while, though, to get it out of my system. Like other posters said, there is no way but through.

You will heal. But I do think you have to acknowledge that you loved a man who no longer exists (if he really did at all). You loved the version of him that you wanted to love. He hid a darker side but that is part of who he is. And that person is not the one that you loved.

It takes time, but you can and will get through it. Sending support and ((hugs)).

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 4:55 PM, Sunday, February 26th]

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5902   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8779388
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 Helena67 (original poster member #80506) posted at 6:44 AM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

BearlyBreathing, what you write makes a lot of sense. I’m going to work on it. He has proven that he has a dark side. Ten years ago he had a burn out because of his work. We had a really difficult time. I tried to support him the way that I could by taking care of the children and doing the household besides my own job. Maybe there was more to the story. It is difficult to know what was going on in his mind because he never talked to me about his feelings. His feelings in general and his feelings towards me. As I didn’t have any doubts about him it never crossed my mind that he had doubts about me or the marriage. I guess his silence took the best of him to the point that he gave himself permission to seek happiness outside our marriage. That is on him. Not on me. I never looked at it this way. Thank you for waking me up.

(((Hugs)))

There are so many strong people on SI, bot BS and WS. I can be too!!!

[This message edited by Helena67 at 7:01 AM, Sunday, February 26th]

BS (me) 56 years. Divorced!!!

posts: 128   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8779440
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 7:07 AM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

I think BarelyBreathing said it eloquently.

The only thing I’ll add is to repeat back some important words you said about him not expressing his feelings. That’s not a relationship (I speak from experience.) We can’t know someone who doesn’t share themself; Who is afraid of vulnerability. We only know the illusion.

Mature people own their feelings, and when things aren’t going well, they suggest marriage counseling. They ask for a separation or divorce.

Immature people are afraid of being alone, and don’t close the chapter on their marriage until they have found a new chapter with someone else.

He’s not a healthy individual. You deserve better

posts: 381   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8779441
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 Helena67 (original poster member #80506) posted at 7:46 AM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

So true. MC would have given us a chance to work on us. Now it is to late. He has fallen in love with somebody else. No competing against that.

And he is taking himself to a new relationship.

[This message edited by Helena67 at 7:49 AM, Sunday, February 26th]

BS (me) 56 years. Divorced!!!

posts: 128   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8779443
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shewp ( new member #82644) posted at 3:09 AM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

He did this because he is a broken person. Do not drive yourself crazy with the what ifs and whys. Easier said than done I know. Your feelings are so valid and I'm pissed and hurting for and with you. I'm so sorry.

Please know that it is not you. It can't possibly be. Cheaters cheat. It's just what they do. I believe there are circumstances where someone who has never cheated develops feelings for someone else, cheats and is remorseful and never does it again. That is the exception and not the rule. Cheaters are typically just shitty partners. No two ways about it. It's like trying to make a pie with rotten blueberries. Pie's gonna taste like shit because it's made with shit ya know?

Fun fact though, there's not a single person I personally know or have heard of literally ever, that has regretted leaving a cheating partner. Seriously, stop and think about it. You most likely know someone who has been cheated on multiple times by one person. But do you actually know anyone who has left a cheating partner and said it was the worst mistake of their life? You ever hear a friend tell you they wish they'd never divorced their husband after he slept with their children's babysitter? There's not one. Being alone will NEVER feel worse than being cheated on or betrayed. I promise.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8780410
Topic is Sleeping.
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