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Divorce/Separation :
Help how do i make him hear me

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Gracey (original poster member #79334) posted at 3:47 PM on Monday, February 13th, 2023

Not sure if any of you have been through this already and can offer me some advice however think my WH is still planning to leave and just not tell me till he is actually gone. My mental health is destroyed and despite me trying to explain he needs to tell me what is going on and then call me some medical attention as I am likely to harm myself, he just ignores me and continues to deny everything. I have no family and AP has destroyed most of my friendships so just wondering if there is a way to reach him before its to late. He also seems to think we would remain friends if he left. It is slightly insane and I am really struggling with the blindsided nature of what he is doing.

Together 34 years Married. 17 years

posts: 96   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8777500
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BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 1:00 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Hi Gracey,

My WH left 2.5 weeks ago and I am still devastated, so I get where you are. I'm not sure you can convince him. When WH told me of the affair I immediately got the sense he had no desire to R. Unfortunately, as they say a marriage takes 2 to continue but only 1 to end.

I'm concerned about your statements re: self-harm. I know I definitely had those thoughts and sometimes still do. Have you looked up any emergency mental health resources in your area?

Me: BW. STBXH: ONS 2006; DDay 12/2022 "it was only online," trickle truth until 1/2023 - "it was 1 year+ affair with MCOW." Separated and divorcing.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8777552
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 3:12 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

I'm going to be blunt: you can't. At this point, if he's still in some kind of contact with AP and not doing the introspection to heal and help you and the marriage, you may as well be screaming at a wall. His head is firmly lodged up the OW's a$$.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I'm not going to perpetuate false hope. If she's destroyed your friendships, she's destroyed the husband you know with his full and willing permission.

Please start protecting yourself. You deserve a lot better than someone who drools for a woman who thrives on others' pain.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:13 AM, Tuesday, February 14th]

posts: 550   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8777586
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:17 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Please be strong enough to realize that you aren't defined by a man/woman. You are stronger than you know. If you're feeling that you may self-harm, please reach out to the mental health hotline for your country.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8777594
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:05 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Dear lady, you cannot make him do or feel or hear anything. It is infuriating but true.
So instead focus on what you can do to help yourself

If you think he’s going to divorce you,then get to a few lawyers and make sure you know your rights and get a picture of what a financial future might look like. And work on getting your ducks in a row. He won’t be blindsiding you— he’s shown you who is he. you just have to believe him, unfortunately.

I know how much it hurts and how very very hard it is. But whether he pulls his head out of his ass (which looks unlikely) or not, you need to be there for yourself. You can do this. You are stronger than you know.


Hang in there. And put you first.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5902   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8777603
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 Gracey (original poster member #79334) posted at 7:46 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Hi, thanks for all your messages. I have seen a lawyer and am seeing a mental health specialist who has set us up for couples counselling. I just wish he would tell the truth so that I can really get the help i need. If he said i am leaving what do you need to survive this, then I could state what I need and he could help facilitate those needs. Its not what i want at all however he is not helping by acting like none of this happened is happening. In the mean while trying to persuade me in certain directions and selling his assets. His actions tell a different story and I just want to sit down and have a proper conversation like adults rather than him deny anything is happening. His & her lies are what has ruined my friendships although some people seem to see through it, they are keeping away from both of us. If he said I don’t love you anymore however I don’t want you to not be ok, it would be a start and open up honest dialogue. I try to get him to talk and he just says he loves me and is staying with me forever. Crazy!

Together 34 years Married. 17 years

posts: 96   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8777609
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:59 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

You know he is leaving. You can not depend on him for anything at this point. You need to take steps now, to prepare yourself. You said you've seen an attorney. I don't know if that means you have HIRED an attorney. If you havent,do so immediately. Direct all legal questions, or anything he is trying to do that is legally not ok,to your attorney. Give him your attorney's card, and tell him to direct all questions to him/her.

Because you are considering harming yourself, tell your therapist. Now. Don't wait.

If your friends have been easily swayed by two cheaters, they are crap people to begin with. Make the effort to go out, and meet new people.

You can't depend on him to heal you. You,like all BS, must heal yourself.

You need to read the 180,and start doing that immediately. It will help you to detach. Stop speaking to him.

Please don't hurt yourself. Any man who doesn't see your value, is an idiot,and certainly not worth harming yourself over.

It's hard. It's painful. But it is not worth losing your life over. You will be happy again. Especially when he finally leaves. With him there,it's a long drawn out torture.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8777652
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BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 4:12 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

If he said I don’t love you anymore however I don’t want you to not be ok, it would be a start and open up honest dialogue.

That's exactly the problem with both of our WHs. If they had the ability/desire to say that, they would have done so rather than blowing up our lives.

Me: BW. STBXH: ONS 2006; DDay 12/2022 "it was only online," trickle truth until 1/2023 - "it was 1 year+ affair with MCOW." Separated and divorcing.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8777657
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 Gracey (original poster member #79334) posted at 4:28 PM on Wednesday, February 15th, 2023

Your all right of course. I think he remains here because he knows the state i am in and his inability to talk about his feelings is the problem. Anger seems to be his go to way of dealing with things as it shuts me down. My lack of family makes this difficult as having emotional support is so important. He has a right to leave me however the abuse I have suffered at his and her hands has made me ill. Trying everyday to use the mantra" I refuse to be a victim"

Together 34 years Married. 17 years

posts: 96   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8777764
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 9:25 PM on Wednesday, February 15th, 2023

I think he remains here because he knows the state i am in and his inability to talk about his feelings is the problem.

No the problem is you have a spouse who has left the relationship and you are trying to keep him present, even though you know he is gone.
Stop torturing yourself. Go dig those bitch boots out strap those suckers on quit allowing him to see you as a soft, sad victim. STAND UP find your ANGER, and embrace it, and start making a new life for yourself. The longer you try to get him to do whatever, the longer you are allowing yourself to be tortured.

File. Knock his ass out the clouds, and make him see you are done.

This is a trauma, but allowing him to continue to carry on and still be in your life is just causing more trauma.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20123   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8777793
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 12:08 AM on Saturday, February 25th, 2023

You can't. There is nothing you van do to make him tell you the truth, love you, not plot to leave you. What you CAN do is start taking care of yourself and get the help you need. You van also work to detach. Please don't harm yourself for someone so completely unworthy. If you aren't happy, doesn't matter why, YOU start getting your ducks in a row to leave him.
Every single one of us have been in your shoes. Ask the old timers like me (wow can't believe I've been hear since 2013) how their lives are now. Mine is amazing and it would NEVER have been this great if my ex asswipe had still been in it. I remember losing tons of weight, crying on the shower floor in the fetal position, and thinking my heart would never stop hurting. I remember wondering how in the F was I still breathing when my heart hurt so bad. My whole body hurt. Today, I cannot even relate to that woman. It's like she was someone I used to know. I'm grateful every single day that he did what he did, because I would have stayed and suffered, and always wondered why I wasn't good enough for him to love anymore. I wasted YEARS loving a prick that didn't deserve me, my integrity, my loyalty, my energy, or my love. Many virtual hugs. Just breathe today. Get back up tomorrow. Eventually you will have the strength to dust yourself off and start moving forward.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6085   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8779337
Topic is Sleeping.
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