I started talking to a guy on a dating app and we hit off pretty well. 3 months or so into talking, we confirmed that we were dating exclusively. I got pretty excited, and oh, did I mention that we are doing long distance as well? I'm from Singapore and he is from the US. This is my first time doing long distance dating, and I thought how the time difference actually fitted my lifestyle - there was time to focus on myself along with his companionship. It's crazy how we try to adapt to the difference in timezones (12 hours apart), but he was consistent in texting me everyday. On his off days, we would video chat and watch a show/movie or play games together. The chemistry and connection between us is undeniable, and the more comfortable we became, the more emotionally intimate we become.
So I told him my story, and he shared his. He has 2 kids and from 2 different partners. But he was never married and was cheated on by those 2 partners as well. At first I was taken aback, but I decided to see him as the person he has grown into rather than by his past. Just as how I wouldn't want him to judge me by my past or my current status as a separated individual. After dating around, he decided to find a connection internationally and that's how we eventually met. He wanted to find a partner to settle down with and is open to a long distance r/s. We listened and empathised with one another, and decided to continue dating and seeing each other online.
We were talking about a Japan trip together in year end 2023. I told him playfully that I didn't want to wait that long to see him in person. The next thing I know, we were planning for a Los Angeles trip in Dec 2022. I was giddy with excitement - my first trip to the US, Disneyland, Universal Studios... and I get to see this amazing guy in person.
The wait was excruciating slow, but it was finally time. However, the time spent together was not how I envisioned it to be.
The first two days (out of 9 days) was amazing. We were physically close, intimate, connected well just like we did online. Then.. I started to feel him pull back. The hot & cold affection, I had to initiate to kiss, hug or cuddle. All the physical affection that we talked about wanting to do to each other online was just.. absent. I was confused, hurt and disappointed. Although we still managed to have great conversations, joke around, holding hands wherever we go. The intimacy and affection I experienced from day 1-2 is just lessened or gone. Towards the end of the trip, I was convinced that I was gonna get dumped after I fly back. But guess what? When we were saying our goodbyes, he teared up (face and eyes red) and quickly walked away to his check-in so he wouldn't burst out in tears infront of me. That surprised and confused me at the same time.
After both of us have flew back, he texted me as per normal as if the pulling back didn't happen. I confronted him and he finally broke down and said that it wasn't my fault, it was all him, and it's not me. He then told me the truth: His last 5 years r/s before me was with someone who was also separated. It was traumatising and painful for him (he was sobbing hard while telling me) because she didn't end up divorcing her partner and that made him feel like he wasn't good enough. He was afraid that being with me would mean ending up in the same previous predicament. And this didn't surface until he finally see me in person. When he got to finally touch and hold me, I think reality hit and he got scared when he felt himself getting attached to me. He said he felt conflicted because 1) he wants to continue being more than friends with me, but he is afraid that he will inevitably hurt me if we continue due to his fears 2) having to end this because he cares alot about me and it hurts to.
When I asked him, do we still have the same intentions out of dating each other? He said he does not have the answer and was overwhelmed by his emotions. As painful as it is, I decided to end it there and then. He asked if we could still be friends, and I said I couldn't, that I needed some time off. There's no way I could do so while still having romantic feelings for him. I hated it when he said "It's not you, it's me". It just means there is nothing I can do but accept. I didn't think it would hurt that much after going through so much from DD, but it's still so painful and I miss us. I'm doing my best to convince myself to move forward, but a part of me is waiting and hoping that he will sort out his feelings and come back someday. And thus, I am writing this post because I guess I just need someone to convince me to wake the ** up and tell me that he isn't worth it. Anyone else experienced dating emotionally unavailable people?
[This message edited by hermasquerade at 11:09 AM, Monday, January 16th]