"It's not you, it's me"
I started talking to a guy on a dating app and we hit off pretty well. 3 months or so into talking, we confirmed that we were dating exclusively. I got pretty excited, and oh, did I mention that we are doing long distance as well? I'm from Singapore and he is from the US. This is my first time doing long distance dating, and I thought how the time difference actually fitted my lifestyle - there was time to focus on myself along with his companionship. It's crazy how we try to adapt to the difference in timezones (12 hours apart), but he was consistent in texting me everyday. On his off days, we would video chat and watch a show/movie or play games together. The chemistry and connection between us is undeniable, and the more comfortable we became, the more emotionally intimate we become.
So I told him my story, and he shared his. He has 2 kids and from 2 different partners. But he was never married and was cheated on by those 2 partners as well. At first I was taken aback, but I decided to see him as the person he has grown into rather than by his past. Just as how I wouldn't want him to judge me by my past or my current status as a separated individual. After dating around, he decided to find a connection internationally and that's how we eventually met. He wanted to find a partner to settle down with and is open to a long distance r/s. We listened and empathised with one another, and decided to continue dating and seeing each other online.
We were talking about a Japan trip together in year end 2023. I told him playfully that I didn't want to wait that long to see him in person. The next thing I know, we were planning for a Los Angeles trip in Dec 2022. I was giddy with excitement - my first trip to the US, Disneyland, Universal Studios... and I get to see this amazing guy in person.
The wait was excruciating slow, but it was finally time. However, the time spent together was not how I envisioned it to be.
The first two days (out of 9 days) was amazing. We were physically close, intimate, connected well just like we did online. Then.. I started to feel him pull back. The hot & cold affection, I had to initiate to kiss, hug or cuddle. All the physical affection that we talked about wanting to do to each other online was just.. absent. I was confused, hurt and disappointed. Although we still managed to have great conversations, joke around, holding hands wherever we go. The intimacy and affection I experienced from day 1-2 is just lessened or gone. Towards the end of the trip, I was convinced that I was gonna get dumped after I fly back. But guess what? When we were saying our goodbyes, he teared up (face and eyes red) and quickly walked away to his check-in so he wouldn't burst out in tears infront of me. That surprised and confused me at the same time.
After both of us have flew back, he texted me as per normal as if the pulling back didn't happen. I confronted him and he finally broke down and said that it wasn't my fault, it was all him, and it's not me. He then told me the truth: His last 5 years r/s before me was with someone who was also separated. It was traumatising and painful for him (he was sobbing hard while telling me) because she didn't end up divorcing her partner and that made him feel like he wasn't good enough. He was afraid that being with me would mean ending up in the same previous predicament. And this didn't surface until he finally see me in person. When he got to finally touch and hold me, I think reality hit and he got scared when he felt himself getting attached to me. He said he felt conflicted because 1) he wants to continue being more than friends with me, but he is afraid that he will inevitably hurt me if we continue due to his fears 2) having to end this because he cares alot about me and it hurts to.
When I asked him, do we still have the same intentions out of dating each other? He said he does not have the answer and was overwhelmed by his emotions. As painful as it is, I decided to end it there and then. He asked if we could still be friends, and I said I couldn't, that I needed some time off. There's no way I could do so while still having romantic feelings for him. I hated it when he said "It's not you, it's me". It just means there is nothing I can do but accept. I didn't think it would hurt that much after going through so much from DD, but it's still so painful and I miss us. I'm doing my best to convince myself to move forward, but a part of me is waiting and hoping that he will sort out his feelings and come back someday. And thus, I am writing this post because I guess I just need someone to convince me to wake the ** up and tell me that he isn't worth it. Anyone else experienced dating emotionally unavailable people?
6 comments posted: Monday, January 16th, 2023
Caught my husband (m33) emotionally cheating on me (f30) with a married female client, and he chose her.
My husband and I are together for 7 years, and have been married for a year. We truly believed that we were soulmates for one another. When we first met, we found out how similiar we are in terms of interests, values, love language, and our future goals etc., He was the only partner I had who would consistently shower me with love and attention ever since Day 1, and I love that about our relationship, its the way we are still so in love after so many years.
One big change in our lives is that he had switched his career to a Personal Trainer (been 3 months since), it was something he is passionate about since young, but his parents had pushed him to pursue engineering when he was younger and he ended up very unhappy in the engineering field. I decided to support him as I wanted him to be happy and find success in doing a job that he loves.
His new career is very time-consuming (sometimes his shifts span from 8am-10pm) so we are only able to spend time on a weekday night (sometimes) and a Saturday. I have been very understanding of his new time schedule and we still call and message everyday as per normal. But he'd complain of not having enough time for himself and I did my best to let him have his alone time.
Even though we are married, I have not moved in to stay with him yet, due to unforeseen circumstances - Covid hit and his parents are super particular about cleanliness, and so I did not move in to prevent any potential unhappiness regarding the differences in our living habits) However, things are getting better now so I had plans to move in once we purchase a queen bed for his room (currently super single size) later this year. We always wanted to live together and come home to each other, and not having to only meet once/twice a week. To be honest, it's been very difficult for the both of us that we are not staying together, but we still managed and coped with it.
Yesterday, we were looking for houses on his laptop, and then he went to the toilet. I saw an email notification of a hotel booking cancellation. It took a moment for me to convince myself I saw it, I even asked myself if I was thinking too much into it. I decided to trust my instinct and looked for that email. Lo and behold it was a hotel booking cancellation for the next day, which he had told me that he will be meeting a guy friend after his work. My heart was pumping so fast, I was doubting if my suspicions were true, but I immediately approached him and asked him about it.
He lied at first, saying that he actually had that booking planned for us, and he cancelled meeting that guy friend. But I knew things didn't add up, so I pushed him even more to just tell the truth. I was shaking so badly. He finally caved in to tell me the truth, that he had it planned to meet one of his female clients who is married too. But he cancelled it because he decided he couldn't go through with it, and also because of some financial strains we are experiencing (housing and career switch etc.,)
We sat down and had a long talk, he admitted to having feelings for his female client and they both agreed to the plan of spending time in the hotel room because they are both married (can't afford to be seen and of course well, sex). He told me he felt that they have alot in common, feels a connection, are very similar in nature (sounds familiar?). He said he felt happy with her. And so I asked him what was lacking in our relationship that led to this? He said he still loves me very much and is still happy in our relationship, but pointed out how I'm not very attentive when he needed me to. I think he needed to feel validated and I failed to do so at those moments. I wished he could have communicated better to work on our marriage and not resorted to this.
Let me also add that I have been cheated on before I met him, and is currently dealing with my dad cheating on my mum as well (5 yrs ongoing because everyone just sweeps everything under the damn rug)
We took a day off to think and decide on how to move forward. I couldnt sleep at all. My heart is racing and I couldnt stop thinking. I know it's just the beginning of bad nights.
We finally meet to decide how to move forward. He claims that he still loves me and sees me as a life partner and offered to quit his job (too risky, might turn tables to put the blame on me) When I said he can still stay on his job but he has to ask another colleague to take over this female client. He HESITATED, and took a moment to think about it. How deep he is into this 3 weeks infatuation that he had to even consider it over our 7 years r/s built with hard work, sweat and tears??? I just felt like he is blinded by a 3 weeks old infatuation all because it felt new and exciting and AP is feeding into his validation and needs. I reminded him that I love him despite his flaws (anger issues, financial debt etc.,) , and we went through thick and thin together. AP only sees the perfect side of him and tells him whatever is nice to hear about himself. God please help this silliness.
He admitted that he did feel like he had to choose between me and her, and is very conflicted about how everything has came to this point. For me, it hurts so much to think that he developed feelings for someone else and acted on it. I feel like a spare tyre in my own freaking marriage. I understand that it is in human nature to be attracted to others, even when you are a r/s. But if you're in a committed r/s, just don't act upon it. I admit that I get attracted to others too but end of the day I remind myself that I still chose my husband because I love him the way he is and our r/s, then just shrug off the feelings.
Both of our first option tho, is to try working on our marriage, finding the root problems, seek couple counseling etc etc. But he asked me if I could really trust him again. With confidence, I told him yes, I am confident I could do it as long as we are agreeable to set certain terms (transparency, check device anytime etc.,) that can help us both in building that trust again AND that he have to cut off ALL contact with AP, and any other times when they come into contact, I need to know about it. He started going about how he might not be able to cancel AP sessions with him yada yada and I called him out on his bullturd. I said, if you truly want to make this work, you would come up with ways to do so. Now you are just coming up with excuses and being in denial because you just simply could not let her go. He could not give me his 100% in working on the marriage. I would not even accept a 99%, I needed a 101% because that is what I'm willing to put in too.
At this point of time I knew the first option is not viable anymore. And I told him, that it's okay, he made his choice and that we should file for a divorce instead. Everytime I mention about divorcing, he looked so torn. But I wonder if he was just sorry he got caught or is really remorseful that his actions led up to this.
By the way, the hotel plan is apparently their first "date" outside from meeting in the gym, and he mentioned that they seldom text/call because she lives with her partner. She would also wait for him to be free in the gym and they would chat for hours. It was a major slap in the face because
we have mutual friends in that gym (i go to another gym closer to my place instead) and he even said that some of them might have suspected. Horribly disappointed that NO ONE came up to me to say anything. I asked who made the first move and he said she did. I'm sorry but allow me to say this as a anonymous user, what a selfish turd home wreaker. Yeah and my husband is to blame too because he was too naive and gullible to allow things to go so far.
Towards the end of our conversation we actually opened up to lay everything on the table on what we could improve on. And the identified problems that weren't even major deal breakers and are easily fixable. For example, we felt we weren't transparent in our communication anymore - easy, we can just fix the way we communicate to help one another feel validated and loved. And that we could spend more time if I move in - which I was more than happy to.
But.. its all too late. Because he still chose her. And it felt like a part of him has already moved on with her. He is a ghost, he is not longer the person I was married to. I feel so broken by this.
My final decision was to do a D. He will be passing me some of my stuff in the coming weekend and insisted that he comes over to my place even tho I mentioned that it'll be easier to let go afterwards once he passed my stuff to me if we are in a public space. I don't know, we'll see.
Lastly, I want to say that I'm so thankful for this wonderful community, I too look forward to the day when I can heal from this. And being able to resonate with some of the posts and comments helps me feel less alone. What happened truly broke me, as from experiences of a cheating ex and father, I thought I found the one whom I can really trust 100%. And he ultimately broke it. I have lost faith in finding someone who can be faithful, lost faith in humanity as I believe everyone is just out to hurt each another, and I really think sometimes it not worth living in a world full of hurt.
20 comments posted: Monday, August 15th, 2022