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Newest Member: Thebishopjoe

Just Found Out :
Should have seen it a mile out

Topic is Sleeping.
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 RagingFool (original poster new member #82450) posted at 11:17 AM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

WS confessed after D day about having a ONS. I had my suspicions when she texted me the night before telling me she was drunk and was going to sleepover at hers. I said ok convincing myself not to be insecure. Easier said than done when you have uncovered lies before, been stalled a number of times over 2 years from having the relationship talk as she was not ready and had little to no intimacy in that period. Due to my medical condition, physical intimacy has its limitations and i have always asked to address this area. WS always said that it is not a big problem and something that will get better. I even offered to part ways if it helped. In hindsight, I should have taken the decision by myself. It is something I always feared and now that it is real, I am broken. Another lie I failed to see through. And this was planned for a few days while i kept thinking that it will do her some good to be out with a friend and enjoy a few drinks. WS says she planned to tell me anyway as the guilt was too much, but the confession happened only after I asked for her friends number for any future emergencies if she got drunk etc. Its sad that WS had to resort to lying when I have always been wanting to talk....

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2022
id 8766553
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:36 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Hi, welcome to SI.

Weekends and holidays are very slow, but I wanted you to know you've been heard.

Are you saying that over the past two years you've suspected her of cheating?

Do you know who the affair partner is? Is he married?

In the meantime, please check out the healing library. Chock full of great articles that will help you through this nightmare.

Know you are not alone, we have all walked in your shoes, been there, done that, have the t-shirt. It hurts to the core.

You might want to find a good therapist for yourself and seek out your MD if you need temporary medications to help you cope.

Understand there is never any justification for an affair.

posts: 11731   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8766566
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 1:36 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Unfortunately, cheating and lying go hand-in-hand. Think about how many lies she had to tell you....and herself....to take this step. Add that to the mountain of lies that she has told you throughout your relationship, and you may see clearer that the boundary crossing may not have been that far.

WS says she planned to tell me anyway as the guilt was too much, but the confession happened only after I asked for her friends number for any future emergencies if she got drunk etc.

It's nice when they throw this in, because how do you prove a negative? It's only hypothetical, and based on facts alone, another lie would be the more likely answer. There is no right answer in her case after the infidelity, because (1) she didn't confess, no matter what she said she was going to do, and (2) would hiding it, and taking it to her grave be any better? Not only was she able to cheat, but to take your agency....and keep it?

Sorry that you are here, friend. No matter what, no matter how broken you feel, I'm here to tell you that it ABSOLUTELY gets better. I never thought it to be possible when I came here, but you'll be amazed at what you can do. Keep feeling and processing the pain, and eventually, little by little, you will be able to let it go. But it takes TIME.

BH-50sWW-50s2 boysMarried over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4187   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8766567
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:56 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

I’m sorry you are facing the infidelity trauma.

You will survive this. We all do. It just takes time.

There are things you can do to help yourself.

Put yourself first. Understand what you need to heal.

If you need help, get professional counseling and build yourself a support network of people you can count on.

Stop allowing your cheating spouse to be in control. Read up on the 180 and implement any of those tools necessary.

Be clear to your wife about what needs to happen to R. She’s either all in to make amends, show remorse and start working to help you heal, or you need to figure out your next steps. I am not saying you need to D, but you don’t have to live with the infidelity black cloud hanging over your head either.

BTW she most likely was not going to tell you anything. That’s just a lie that cheaters like to tell themselves and the people they betray.

Finally watch her actions. It will tell you more about her mindset than her words. If she says one thing and goes another, tge actions speak louder than words.

Keep posting here. You will get great advice and support.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12993   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766570
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 1:56 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

So sorry you find yourself here.

Others will be along later and offer much better advise than I may offer.

One thing that comes immediately to my mind is to get checked for STDs. Even though your physical intimacy might be limited, but from what I understand, some STDs can be spread by saliva. Plus, you don't really know if this is her one and only time. I know this sounds harsh, but I mean it in the best way possible.

This pain hurts like hell and you will find yourself going through so many emotions from deep depression to raging white anger. Please stay away from alcohol because that will only make the situation worse.

Again, sorry you found yourself here. Please know that all contributors have your best interests at heart, since we have all experienced this injustice in one form or another.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8766571
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 4:39 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

One other thing I suggest:

Read the book "Cheating in a Nutshell", by Wayne & Tamara Mitchell. It describes all the emotions and pain you will experience and why, from a biology and evolutionary standpoint, these emotions are occurring. It is mainly written for someone who has been betrayed. It is worth reading because of the situation you now find yourself. There is a saying "Knowledge is Power". I believe that the more you know about what is ahead for you, what emotions you will experience, what you can expect from your spouse in the form of lying, gaslighting, hiding evidence etc., the better prepared you will be when these things happen.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 5:49 PM, Thursday, November 24th]

posts: 82   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8766587
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 RagingFool (original poster new member #82450) posted at 6:00 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Thank you everyone for your words and support. It means so much as I process through this trauma.

Are you saying that over the past two years you've suspected her of cheating?

Do you know who the affair partner is? Is he married?

I have caught her lying many times, nothing relating to us but thinking back now, I do have my suspicions.

I dont know the person as she hooked up with a stranger. She told me he was unmarried, so thats all I have.

The articles as well experiences have helped with coping. The 180 is underway,for me anyway.

WS is still at the moping, feeling guilty and sorry, cant believe i did this to you stage....though she planned this days ahead while keeping the farce about meeting her friend with me. It clearly shows she meant to do it, thought about it, planned it and did it anyway.

The deception hurts more as everyone says. I was open enough to discuss my limitations, talk about the relationship, even suggest separation if she sought a new life due to my long term medical condition, so why lie??

[This message edited by RagingFool at 6:15 PM, Thursday, November 24th]

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2022
id 8766596
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justanotherperson ( member #82218) posted at 6:36 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Sorry you need to be here.

WS is still at the moping, feeling guilty and sorry, cant believe i did this to you stage....

Gaslighting. Pretty common amongst cheaters. All BS. Don't look at the words. Look at the actions. They WILL tell you everything you need to know.

though she planned this days ahead while keeping the farce about meeting her friend with me. It clearly shows she meant to do it, thought about it, planned it and did it anyway.

The confirmation to what I mencioned above and the confirmation that you are pretty clear on the head to what her REAL intenctions were.

I was open enough to discuss my limitations, talk about the relationship, even suggest separation if she sought a new life due to my long term medical condition, so why lie??

To put it simple - they lie because they want to keep the cake (you) and eat the cake (OP). Cheaters want to have the married life confort while also having access to the unicorn fog exciting life of the affair.

Crazy stuff which I atttibute to some form of brain disfunction regarding cheaters mindset and their thoughts. Use of compartimentalization. Lack of remorse and acting on impulses/having a lack of stablished boundaries all lead to that.

It is a shitshow. One you will get through with time.

Follow other people's advice already mencioned here and you will end up ok.

Think about your needs. Watch the actions. Act accordingly.

All the best to you.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 6:45 PM, Thursday, November 24th]

"It can't rain all the time."

posts: 67   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: O´Porto
id 8766603
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 9:32 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

How was it with a stranger if it was planned a few days in advance?

posts: 2745   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8766618
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 RagingFool (original poster new member #82450) posted at 10:11 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Cheating was planned as i understand it. The person itself was a stranger

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2022
id 8766622
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 11:00 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Sorry brother.
Focus on yourself, you will think over everything in your relationship. You will see the red flags 🚩 and blame yourself cause you didn’t see them before. She will blame you, everyone else bar herself.
She may have done this before so unfortunately it is the normal gambit of STD checks for you.
Yes there was prior planning so there was intent, deception and more.
You will need to ask the hard questions when YOU are ready to hear them. But once heard they can’t be unheard.
She knows who more about AP. She planned it unless she would plan days in advance to sleep with a random dude.
Take it one day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1277   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8766624
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:19 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Hhmm. Yeah..I don't buy it.

I think she's saying he was a stranger, to protect the OM. How does she know he isn't married, if he's a stranger?

She's going to have to completely drop this friend,if she wants any sort of a relationship with you.

Check phone records. My guess is,you will find lots of messages going back and forth with one particular number.

I think she's been having a full blown affair.

posts: 5020   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8766632
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 4:02 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Hellfire and the other posters are correct, IMO. This just doesn't add up. Just doesn't make sense. Knowing she is going to get laid days in advance... just doesn't know who the lucky fellow will be. What married person does that?

Anyway, just my opinion.

The 180 is an excellent tool to help you get some space and organize your thoughts. Stay with it.

Good luck.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8766646
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 RagingFool (original poster new member #82450) posted at 7:20 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

At this stage, a lot of things dont add up. As I uncover more, i will deal with the fallout. Focusing on myself to get stronger.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2022
id 8766659
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:52 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Two things stand out to me RF.

1 - Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it
2 - You have only hit the tip of a very big iceberg

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3600   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8766705
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 RagingFool (original poster new member #82450) posted at 11:45 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Between all the lies, I am not even sure i want to know thw rest of the iceberg. As some of the others said, it doesnt add up and that makes it worthless

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2022
id 8766737
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Amandal2022 ( new member #82373) posted at 11:54 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and I can completely understand how you are feeling. I have just discovered my husband's affair recently and I am heartbroken mess.

Somewhat similar to your situation we had a not so frequent sex life and he blames that the reason he started his affair.

I don't really have any advice to offer you as I am still to broken up to know what to do. I just wanted to say that you're not alone in dealing with the pain of someone you love doing something so senseless and hurtful to you.

Sometimes just knowing you're not the only one going through it makes it a tiny bit better.

Hang in there:)

posts: 15   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Fl
id 8766738
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 8:00 AM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Between all the lies, I am not even sure i want to know thw rest of the iceberg. As some of the others said, it doesnt add up and that makes it worthless

Find out everything you can before information is destroyed. You may feel you don't want to know now, but you might want to know later, particularly if you decide to attempt reconciliation.

Learn whatever you can and make the most informed decision you can for your course of action. That way you can feel as secure as possible that you did the right thing for yourself.

"Go quiet" and go into surveillance mode. You might find out a lot more than you expect.

posts: 950   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8766770
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 RagingFool (original poster new member #82450) posted at 2:57 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Sorry you are in a similar situation Amanda. Sending you strength and peace.

I am trying to get as much information as I can from the trickle truths. Getting stronger myself is helping too.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2022
id 8766786
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 3:31 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

RF: I urge you in the strongest way possible to at least do the following:

1. Have her WRITE a full timeline of the entire process, from the moment she STARTED planning this excursion (note: there’s likely far more - we’ll get to that). Only give her 1-2 days to complete that. If she gives a damn about the marriage she’ll get this done within a few hours of you asking. Demand she get extremely specific and explicit for EVERYTHING including every sex act, how she met AP, every flirt, every conversation, everything.

2. Have her READ her timeline to you. Tell her she’s not allowed to be filled with self-pity while she reads this to you. Obviously, you keep a copy of the timeline. This is critical so she can’t spin any future lies like "I already told you that - you forgot".

3. Tell her she will be taking a polygraph to verify the veracity of the timeline. Tell her she will be paying for the polygraph by selling something personal of hers that’s meaningful to her and using those funds.

4. Have HER schedule a SERIES of STD checks for the both of you (some STDs take multiple checks over months to verify). Again, she pays for all of them similarly to #3 above.

5. She agrees to sign a post-nuptial agreement that favors you. Others here will tell you they are worthless, but her acquiescence (or refusal) will tell you something about her remorse. Absolutely get a lawyer involved and have a video recording made of her signing it of her own free, clear-minded will, so you can lessen the chance of her later claiming she signed under duress.

6. She agrees to tell her parents and siblings (if any) exactly what she has done, with you present. Don’t let her spin up a false narrative or blame-shifting on you. You decide whether she must also inform your family.

7. Follow thru with the polygraph (unless you’ve decided on D, in which case who cares). Moments before walking into the poly, ask her if she has anything else to tell you before you start. Unbeknownst to her, have the examiner also ask her whether she’s IN ANY WAY been unfaithful in ANY WAY during the entire time of your relationship.

8. Demand that she identify this AP. If she "doesn’t know" then it’s her mission to find out. That said, she is under NO CIRCUMSTANCE allowed to contact him. Once found, if possible, inform AP’s wife or girlfriend.

9. Any "friends" of hers that knew ANYTHING about this and didn’t tell you are now dropped forever. ZERO contact, other than to tell them she will never interact with them again.

10. She agrees she will never again enjoy ANY kind of device, social media, or location privacy EVER again.

If it’s not obvious, her words are now meaningless. Only her actions matter. If she doesn’t immediately agree to ALL of the above, initiate D paperwork. NOTE: at any time if she gets her head out of her ass and FULLY agrees to do ANYTHING to save the marriage (including all of the above), you can always pause or stop the D.

Keep posting!!

posts: 162   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8766897
Topic is Sleeping.
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