SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You said "Another lie I failed to see through."

You didn't fail, she did.

Don't take the blame for her, she did this.

I have got the verbal version so far. I had questions which WS answered. I had counter questions and whys which remain unanswered as WS needs more time to think and search deeper. She is going for IC, maybe that will help her answer. I am still coming to terms with what has happened and focusing on my health first. Some of the stuff doesnt add up and with her being in her own depressive state the answers can be interpreted both ways. I have made the point that nothing moves ahead till all answers are given truthfully.

C

heating was planned as i understand it. The person itself was a stranger

^^^Not buying this either. Did she just pick some random guy off the street?

So sorry she continues to lie, however it's typical of cheaters.

The planning or rather convincing was for the ONS itself. The accessory was an unknown person at a bar....hurtful both ways known or unknown

What makes you think the cheating was planned?

This is a key-factor IMHO.
Understandably – considering what you are dealing with – your posts are a bit confusing, forcing us to read between lines and make assumptions.

Where was your WW getting drunk? At a friends home or at a bar?
Where did she sleep over?
Where did the infidelity – the sex-act itself – take place? At a bar? In a car? Hotel? At her friends house?

It’s definitely possible that the OM was a random stranger, but it sounds strange. It sounds strange to plan ahead yet leave this key-component to chance. It’s also strange to plan ahead, implement and then feel the regret or remorse.

IMHO a key factor in infidelity recovery is understanding what you are recovering from. If the OM was a random stranger then you work on recovering from that. If however you have to go through the next years wondering if John the delivery guy or Jack your neighbor or Steve from Church is the OM… it will drive your crazy. You need to be very clear on the randomness and the possible identity of OM.

(We often build our advice on our experience. My OM was a random guy in the sense that she would go out and pick up random men at a bar. I saw him (walked in on them) but didn’t know him and to this date don’t really know his real name. For ME it didn’t matter because he truly was random.)

WW said that the idea of cheating was planned ahead. The back up excuse of going out with a friend, then sleeping over because she was drunk...all of that was planned in her head. The reality or the version I've been given was she went to the bar alone and hooked up with a stranger. She told me the day after when she returned. They got a room at a hotel for the act. Weirdly enough WW also mentioned that the friend who i believed she was with did not know of this. WW says she knew that friend would cover for her but did not tell her because she decided to tell me. Effed up i know!

Sorry if my messages are cryptic. I will try to be clear in the future.

Grateful for the support and guidance from all.

[This message edited by RagingFool at 4:49 PM, Monday, November 28th]

WW said that the idea of cheating was planned ahead. The back up excuse of going out with a friend, then sleeping over because she was drunk...all of that was planned in her head. The reality or the version I've been given was she went to the bar alone and hooked up with a stranger. She told me the day after when she returned. They got a room at a hotel for the act.

I'm going to weigh in and say I'm skeptical that this is truth.

On one hand, she confessed.
On the other:
-She planned it in advance and yet immediately caves afterwards and tells you. Why give the plan and execution all of this foresight only to immediately negate all of that planning and suffer consequences?

-She hooked up with a stranger and went to hotel...and didn't even actually tell the friend who would cover for her what she was doing. Women are VERY enculturated to look out for our own safety. This violates SO many basic practices that women use to protect their own safety: know the person you are going to get naked with, don't go into private places (hotel rooms) with people you don't really know, let friends know where you are and who you're with, etc.

A woman who feels comfortable risking her physical safety on this level (hotel room with a stranger and no one knows where she is or who she's with) suddenly feels so uncomfortable with her actions that she tells on herself??? Seems unlikely. Very unlikely.

I have got the verbal version so far.

If you don’t have her complete a written timeline you’re likely going to subject yourself to denials of Trickle Truth when it happens. I strongly urge you to (re?) consider my previous post.

BreakingBad is on to something.
It’s really strange that she has this all planned and – if true – has the gumption to take a stranger to a hotel and have sex with him and yet be so remorseful that she has this compelling need to tell you next day.
It sounds like the marital version of suicide by cop.
It’s as if she’s sending you a message: I did this terrible thing, now YOU divorce me.

Or… she’s not telling the truth.
What hotel?
Who paid?
Get a detailed timeline of the evening. You can definitely skip any sexual details you might not want to hear, but you want to know all you can about OM, see how she paid for her drinks, her phone-logs and history, how she got to the hotel, when she left, how she left…
Something tells me she’s not being truthful…

The issue about safety is a big flag to me. Its gotten to a stage where even I never leave a drink unattended at a bar – and I’m an ugly middle aged man who is probably way back on the possible date-rape victims list. I find it dubious that a woman was so careless… unless she had a level of trust to OM.

The story could be true, there are so many crazy things people do, this is not even close to the craziest. However, I agree with others that it seems odd. Hooking up and going to a hotel with a single guy? Unless he was staying at the hotel already, why would a single guy get a room for a ONS?

This all comes on top of a long 2 years of relationship problems where she has been distant and sex is limited. It could be that she developed this idea in her mind that she wanted a ONS and was going to have one with the first guy she found that night. Women can do that if they choose. But it could also be that she met the guy previously online or in person and has been having an EA or PA with him for some time. She finally was overcome by guilt and confessed. Maybe it was the first PA, maybe not. And the confession came when she thought you might call her friend so she may have lied doing it in the moment. We have seen other people confess but only to part of what actually happened. It somehow relieves their pressure even though they lie about extent, length, details etc.

It’s just so disrespectful, don’t take it personally, it fits with all of us. That a WS would not respect you, in setting up these story to be with another person. That they think it’s just OK to lie to " you" it’s ok to make up stories. To live with you ,, at the same time " loving" someone else. But now you have to deal with all the shit. You have to pick up the pieces of your life.
But you are in the drivers seat. It’s up to you , to drive your life. Do you really want this disrespectful person in your life?

My PSED for the day.

Rage, do not believe anything she says without absolute proof. Bet you this dude was married and she is protecting him. Think seriously about whether you want to continue with this relationship as you are never going to have complete peace again. Personally for me, cheating is the one act I will not attempt to salvage a marriage. Best wishes in whichever direction you decide, you and only you, know what is right.

Thank you for all your advice. I have asked for a written version of events. Not sure if I will get it and if I did, whether it will be different from what I have been told. The latest trickle truth was that she was trying to make me hate her, so I would end it. It was an attempt of sabotage because she felt she isnt good enough for me. It was the perfect play if those were the objectives.

With the level of mistrust I have, my declining health, sleepless nights and anxiety attacks, I feel I've had enough. Time to start building myself and be as selfish as I wish to be for my own good and benefit.

Why did she feel she wasn't good enough for you? What did she do before this ONS that made her feel like this about herself? If she wanted this marriage to end then choosing infidelity approach for it was very stupid and ridiculous. Cheating on you is way riskier than any other approach. She cannot predict how you would react. You could expose her to everyone and that could destroy her social image and respect. She could loose so much from this. There are plenty of safer approaches to end matrimonial relations without loosing much. I feel like she lying to you about her wanting you to hate her. There could be more to this. This could be diversion tactic to take you away from the truth.

A wrong decision in the past that blew up into a financial liability, which drove her to ruining it rather than come clean to me. I hope it was worth it,because i know this now anyway

Was she hiding this financial liability from you? And you came to know about this only now through ONS?

Lurking- Yes and cheating was route chosen to sabotage the relationship.

It was an exit Affair. She is too much a coward to talk about issues so she with Malice and intent sort out an ONS so you would pull the pin 📌 and D so she can then claim the poor me gambit. "I had an ONS and BS would not forgive me, oh poor me"! Just a sympathy ploy.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 2:16 AM, Sunday, December 4th]

Thanks Buffer. Yes one day at a time even though it feels like groundhog day...

Wrong post. My bad.

[This message edited by LegsWideShut at 4:37 PM, Saturday, December 3rd]