Thanks, this is actually quite helpful. I like the analytical approach to sadness. It might be worth it to try to break down the sadness I feel into smaller elements which will be easier to handle and resolve, one at a time. Like that squirrel in one of my Thankful Thursday posts.
I’ve been following your story. Although our situations aren’t quite the same, I do see similarities which made me think whether I’d be better off alone. That is, whether that path is the only way for me to find peace. My husband asked me would I mourn our marriage if we divorce. The truth is, I wouldn’t. I would mourn the marriage / relationship I thought I have. And you can’t really lose something you never had. However, I’m not convinced that 100% of it is fake. Things are rarely black or white. I don’t think that everything we’ve built since DDay1 is false, no matter his lies about the extent of the betrayal. So, I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet. I think we didn’t give this reconciliation thing a real shot. How could we when there were still lies about the betrayal...
Nevertheless, I’m thankful for people like you posting about their experiences. It is always good to get confirmation that there is good life on the other side! I used to think I can’t live without him. It was a huge deal for me (and for our relationship) when I stopped being afraid of losing him. It helps so much knowing and believing that, if we divorce, I will be just fine.
If it wasn’t for my self-respect, I’d still be a betrayed girl who knows maybe 20% of the things that were going on during the betrayal. I pushed for truth for so long. In retrospect, I was probably too patient. Nevertheless, after the trickle-truth during the first half of this year I made it clear I had enough. I gave him until the end of this year to come clean about everything. He did deliver. No worries, self-respect and boundaries are not an issue here. I want to deal with sadness for my own good, no matter whether we’ll make it or break it.
So single people don't have lives worth living?
If they are anything like me, yep, they don’t have lives worth living. This is why I emphasized for me in my sentence. There is no such thing as "life worth living" objectively. Each of us decides for ourselves what is a life worth living.
Attaching your worth to someone's love is a recipe for endless sadness and hurt.
Learning who we are and what brings us joy--independent of others + learning to love and value ourselves without validation from others = true happiness, happiness that no one can ever take away.
I’m not attaching my worth to anything. I’m talking about a life worth living. In fact, the mere fact that I do respect/love/value myself, my wishes, my dreams, my ideas, my everything, I want a life in which I love and am loved. Because that is important to me. This has nothing to do with my value, it is about what I value.
You need a good IC to help you with this.
There are broadly two camps of thinking – individualistic and collectivistic. Individualistic thinking emphasizes what you are writing about – independence, self-reliance, self-sufficiency, among other things. Collectivistic thinking sees nothing wrong with dependency and reliance. Collectivistic thinking is closer to me since I believe it makes more sense evolutionary. Humans are social animals, and the ability to be interdependent (do not confuse with codependent!) is what made us so successful as a species. I see nothing wrong with being interdependent – it is normal for couples to be affected by and to need each other, to depend on each other. In that sense, I think there’s nothing wrong with me if I want/value a life in which I love and am loved.
Definitely check. I’ve never held back my feelings.