For some reason as BS's we feel like the actions of our WS's reflect poorly on us. Maybe we feel ashamed or embarrassed that something so cruel and awful could happen to us, or perhaps we're still trying to protect our WS's from the consequences of their own actions.
I think I'm used to thinking about my marriage as a reflection of "us", and I know this is weird but I feel like his sex life was therefore part of our marital sex life, a part I didn't consent to but that passively happened to me against my will. Talking about it is so painful and also so humiliating. I can't tell my elderly parents anything about that aspect of it though, "he was unfaithful" was about as much detail as they can really take. But I can tell them that it was pervasive throughout our entire marriage, extensive in terms of the numbers, and 'expensive' - and I hope the mention of money will fill in that part of the picture. I don't think my parents and family see him in a positive light, but they do think he recognizes that he's done something wrong. They don't know - yet - that he doesn't think what he did was wrong at all. So I will also tell them that he bragged about it, and told me and others (because this is true) that he feels deeply that his cheating reflected who he really is inside, that he's not monogamous at heart. My one close sister is actually helping me with this by filling in a few more details with my other siblings lately. I think she's being blunt and I cannot say how excruciating that is and how grateful I am not to have to be the one to tell them some of the worst of what I know.
He's projecting some of his emotions onto you (scamming, planning to leave for years) but those are his. He is mad because he is losing control. His behavior may escalate. You can have your attorney contact his, or even do a cease & desist if things get really bad.
Oh gosh absolutely! I can't believe how clearly I can see his projection now! And also the massive entitlement, to have his marriage remain intact regardless of what he's done. And now that I'm trying to take "his" marriage away, I'm tricking him out of something he deserves to have - the marital home, his wife and son constantly there for him, my family surrounding him as if they're his family, all his material things surrounding him AND his other women, sex dungeons, prostitutes and online cheating community. I'm now the bad guy because I'm trying to take that perfect life away from him, the one where he's the center of the universe and everyone else is a bit player.
Does he know that you know the extent of his cheating? Years and all his kinks? Just think it’s crazy that he blames you when his cheating is so extensive and extreme.
I don't know how much I do know! He definitely knows I know about the sex workers because I've asked him about that extensively and he himself offered up the estimate of "30 or 40" in terms of how many different sex workers he saw, and he knows I know about the OW he called girlfriends because I've also told him that, and that they extended back to the place we lived for 3 years when we first got married - I haven't told him one of his OW contacted me, I haven't told him I have screenshots of their videos (I told him I've seen pictures though, when I was trying to get him to confess to various things) and I haven't told him I found his gross stash of mens lingerie and latex bondage gear and massive dildo collection and sex club cards in the basement.
He doesn't seem to blame me for his cheating, like at all, which is bewildering. I've read other people here talk about blame shifting and unmet needs, but WH has actually told me (and told his OW!) he was very happy in our marriage. He blames me for not helping him deal with his childhood issues which he claims are responsible for his behavior throughout our marriage. He blames me for not 'giving him a chance' and not going to therapy with him and not treating his cheating as if it were an illness. He thinks his sick behavior is the 'in sickness and in health' we vowed to stay with each other through, and that I'm letting him down when he needs me the most! I'm not kidding, that's what I'm at fault for!! He has said multiple times "just when I needed you the most, you're attacking me and then deserting me!" And I think he phrases it that way because I've always been SO FOCUSED on him, his needs, our marriage. It's like I'm a malfunctioning wife-bot that was supposed to be preforming based on a code and I've somehow glitched and gone rogue.
I recommend you stop any direct communication other than through a parenting app like Our Family Wizard in respect of your child or through your lawyer to negotiate arrangements. There is no benefit whatsoever, even from a safety point of view for your child, in you communicating directly with him other than perhaps in an emergency relating to your child. If your ex is having unsupervised contact with your son, make sure your child has a safety plan.
My attorney said the same thing and I told her I didn't think it was at that stage, but she told me it's not a stage I want to get to and then try to react to but more of a stage that prevents things from getting uglier. Hearing her say that and then seeing you write it makes me feel like it must be true, but I still can't wrap my head around how contentious this makes everything seem! I have no ability to know if I'm overreacting out of pain, or if he's really got the potential to escalate. I trust my team (you guys are part of my team btw) more than I trust myself when it comes to predictions, because I've been wrong almost every single time and everyone else has sadly nailed most of his next moves.
I think she still remains genuinely shocked that I went NC with her. In her head she truly believes that we should all be best friends going forward, and I think I have 'disappointed' her in reinforcing that screwing two married men and leaving me to pick up the pieces means she doesn't get my time anymore.
When I read back over some of my earlier posts here I actually asked whether our WS had a escape plan for if they got caught, and everyone assured me that they were generally so steeped in fantasy-land that they had no realistic thoughts at all about what life would look like when/if they were found out. Your ex wife's expectations is such a good illustration of that, holy crap! Like maybe you and a new partner and your ex and one of her partners will all double date when the divorce is finalized? There's no recognition at all that what she did was ALSO fundamentally against the boundaries for engaging in friendships? The lies, the lack of respect, the deceit?
have mulled and mulled over this one as things have been relatively 'amicable' between my ex-WW and I in regards to settlement, and I have actually gotten the best out of what could have been a really crap situation in regards to finances. I remain financially in a great position, thank God. She hasn't bad-mouthed me (that I know of) to anyone in our circle. But the sheer injustice I feel keeps screaming at me to tell her family the full story. I mean, the one AP story is bad enough admittedly, but still.
I'm in no position to be dishing out advice, but if you're walking into the divorce with her head in a cloud and the finances agreed upon and no smear campaigns from her yet I'd be tempted to let things stay that way until the divorce is signed 'amicably' and then expose her. But I'm saying that while also being hesitant to expose my WH even within my own family, let alone to friends or anyone in his social circle.