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Newest Member: Papi

Reconciliation :
Saying one thing and then another still a year post Dday

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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 1:05 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Hello Again

Im looking for some advice...

My wife and I were talking on Friday evening and a few things were said.

These were her words.

"I don't need to go through the questions with an IC as I already know the answers to the questions, I just don't know how to tell you".

So I asked what she meant by that. She got teary eyed and i said you did have feelings for him didn't you. She looked away, I could tell she wanted to admit it to get it off her chest. I said you don't want to lie to me anymore do you just be honest. I said you did didn't you and she nodded.

I then said you wanted to be with him to. She said don't do this. I said look in my eyes, she couldn't and asked me to hold her. I did and then said you wanted him didn't you and she said yes.

Then within minutes she changed again.

She then said. It wasn't feelings that she had for him. She keeps saying you know how I felt.

"He mad me feel good"
"We had a laugh"
"we had fun"
"He made me feel wanted"

She keeps saying the affair was meaningless and should never have happened. But from she has said about how he made her feel thats not meaningless.

She does everything she can to try and help me heal. But i don't think she is giving me the truth. Its clear she isn't giving me the truth.

I don't know what i can do.

On one hand she is telling me the affair is a mistake and should never have happened. It was horrible looking back and doesn't look at it as being positive in any way. She hates herself and the AP for what they have both done and wishes she could turn back the clock but she cant.

But if thats true why is she still looking at the positives about how she felt at the time of the affair. Why isn't she riddled with guilt?

She could leave me at any time. She could have gone anytime in the past year. She still could as we have had some hard times in R over the past year. But she is still here. Telling me she loves me. Telling me we will get through this and that its me she wants to be with.

But why is she tearing up when I mentioned the feelings. Is it shame, is it that she doesn't want to hurt me or is it she is missing him.

Feelings don't just come and go. She must still feel something and she must miss him.

But at Dday she told me when she was drunk. She then the next day said she would end it with the AP if thats what I wanted her to do. But she has always been honest and said there was no plans on ending it but it wouldn't have gone on for ever.

Its like she is honest about somethings and not about others.

Because i have been told one thing and then another so many times and it keeps happening i cant not heal. I cant even start because i cant trust what she is saying. Im second guessing.

She is doing everything for our marriage but she isn't giving me the truth and she isnt being fair to me as a person

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:25 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

It’s is possible that her fear is keeping her from telling you the truth ( in its entirety).

And how she felt at the time if the affair is not how she feels today. she may have extreme guilt and remorse and deep regret about the affair and fir the choices she made.

That certainly my doesn’t mean she still loves him or even likes the OM. She may look back now and wonder "what the hell was I thinking?"

My H was about to D me for the OW. At the last second he decided he didn’t want a D. Of course the OW was floored by that turn of events b/c he had been promising her he was D me.

Long story short he looks back now with deep regret. He realized he did not love her but was infatuated with the whole thing.

It may be your wife refuses counseling b/c she’s going to have to face the reality of it all - and she’s fearful you will leave her. In her mind she believes she is making the better choice. In reality she’s not but her fear is preventing her from being able to admit the truth.

She’d rather run & hide than man up.

Not sure what you do with that but that is where you are.

IMO you have the complete truth but you are waiting for her to admit something. Something you already know.

I know you would like her to admit it. But what changed if she does? Maybe not much but you can check a box to say "she admitted this". The facts won’t change. Her behavior may or may not change.

Point is — you can heal even without her admitting anything. It’s just your mindset in what you will accept and how you want to proceed. You can remain "stuck" in this holding pattern or get yourself out.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:39 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

This is one of the MOST frustrating and crazy-making things about post A discussions duh .

My H and I have discussed this a lot. He said many things like what your wife is saying...on Dday. I didn't know about SI at that point...but I did demand that my H write a NC message to the adultery co-conspirator IF he indeed wanted to R. He did so immediately. In the message he wrote that what they had was REAL...but in order to work on our M he would not be communicating with her anymore.

He also wrote something which puzzled me when I read it. He wrote that I made him happy look . When I asked him why he would write that...he told me that the adultery co-conspirator often told him that all SHE wanted was for HIM to be happy...even if it wasn't with her. He explained to me...like I was a child...that HER love for him was that pure. Yeah right rolleyes . I KNEW that was a LIE...but he was too much in that stupid A fog to realize it. That is...until he read her reply to his NC message the next morning wink .

She BLASTED him for writing that I made him happy shocked . Didn't he realize that only SHE could make him happy???!!! OMG...the rest of the words she wrote PROVED to my H that she was using him just as much as he had used her. It was EPIC to see it for myself how his face changed when he saw the REALITY of what the A actually was...just two SELFISH people using each other. After that reply...my H never looked back at his A with fondness. He told me later that he realized he was LIED to...and he was embarrassed that he was actually played like that. The thing is...we ALL know that adultery co-conspirators will LIE to each other in order to get what they WANT out of the A!! THAT is the reality...but no one wants to feel like they have been USED.

I have seen this same thing with other Waywards who come on this site who still don't realize that they were just used...like they used their adultery co-conspirator. You can usually spot them when they write how THEIR A was DIFFERENT than what other Waywards on here write about. NO...REALLY...we WERE in LOVE rolleyes laugh duh !! MOST of them do come to their senses and realize there was NOTHING that was different...ALL A's are just two selfish people using each other to get what they want.

Your wife seems to be in that rationalization phase that my H was in. My H told me later that he rationalized that IF he LOVED the adultery co-conspirator...then what he did couldn't have been that bad. It was LOVE after all rolleyes . But he was ADAMANT that he wasn't IN LOVE with her look . In HIS mind...it was alright to do what he did if he didn't cross THAT line duh . All it was...was rationalization. He couldn't admit that he threw away our M for NOTHING rolleyes . Until I brought him to that reality and he had to face it for the UGLY truth.

The GOOD thing is...YOU have the TRUTH on your side Dear Sir smile . You can let her see for herself what she already knows deep down. Don't let it be through YOUR words though...let her tell YOU the answers to the questions you ask. The words SHE uses...put them back to her in questions. This was hard for me to hear the answers...but I knew they were only rationalizations...so I kept calm...and kept asking...until the light bulb would go off in my H's head.

For instance...one of the things my H told me was that they never had to work at anything...everything came EASY for them. The adultery co-conspirator had 3 children...and the youngest was a special needs child. So I asked my H if they were doing family things with the children. Of course not!! I asked him if she spent any time with the children then. He said she did...she couldn't go to the hotel until her youngest was put to bed around 8:30pm. OK...so it took a half hour to get to his hotel...that meant they didn't get together until 9pm. I asked if they went out to eat...and sometimes they did. By putting the FACTS together...calmly and without emotion...it showed my H that everything came EASY for them because they didn't have TIME to do anything but have sex duh .

As it turned out...they only had vanilla sex...mostly missionary or spooning...because the adultery co-conspirator had some kind of obstruction that prevented my H from being able to penetrate her when she was belly down. Also...in my H's words...the adultery co-conspirator was so BAD at BJ's that he told her to NEVER do it again duh . So even sex was something that did NOT come easy to them duh !!!


"He mad me feel good"
"We had a laugh"
"we had fun"
"He made me feel wanted"

These look like some good examples where you can start asking questions smile . You will be surprised...as will she...at what "feeling good" REALLY was. What could they possibly have laughed about that YOU didn't already share with her? There was NOT any FUN in it either...being a LIAR is no fun at all. That last one is going to be the doozy when she realizes...in HER OWN WORDS...that he did what he did to keep her spreading her legs for him...nothing more.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

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id 8740107
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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 2:40 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

@The1stWife

Thank you for being honest with me.

I often think that i have said the same thing on this forum so many times in different ways that people will just feel I'm whining. But these are true feelings that mean something to me. Im dying inside and to everyone else things are fine, but I'm stuck.

I know the truth. She has even said the truth 3 times and its come from here mouth. But i cant really handle the truth. I want her to say it didn't happen, but it did and i cant do anything about that.

Its like she will still lye to me in order to protect herslef or my feelings.

Everything she says is negatie towards the affair. Looking back it was horrible the worst regret of my life i wish i had never happened. If she felt that way then why, Why did it happen.

But on the other had she will say he made her feel good, they had fun it was a laugh he made her feel wanted. She said all the things she wanted from me and not from him.

I cant get it in my head how she can look back and think that way. I dont get it. She says i dont get it.

The way i see it is. She looks back and thinks all the positive things about how he made her feel. But i read that she should look back and see it as being a negative hating what she has done working through the guilt etc.

She says in her head she doesn't look upon it as being positive. She hates what she did. She doesn't think about him or the affair.

How can I believe that.

I suppose im scared. I want to feel secure and I dont

But the biggest thing is I dont get the affair and I dont get the feelings

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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 2:55 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

@Want2BHappyAgain

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to reply.

My wifes whole affair is messing my head up even a year later.

I know what she is saying is a lie. But my wife knew her AP for many years and his wife left him and took his kids as she had an affair. He knows what it feels like to loose your family to a man that come along and took what wasn't his. Sounds old fashioned but you know what I mean.

The thing is what they had does seem real to me and I wasn't even present at the time. It sounds like their affair was perfect. Sounds like a trailer to a romcom. Full of laughs and romance. I don't think he was using her for sex. I think the both really had a connection and that makes me sick.

It sounds perfect. Summer evening walks, hand in hand. Looking in to each others eyes kissing under the stars. Leading her up the stairs where he wrips off her clothes and they make passionate love.

As i say she was attracted to this guy. He is a good looking guy. They have a laugh they have fun. But she does admit that it wasn't real. She sees that it was wrong. But i keep saying it may have not been real it may have been wrong but your feelings are what they are and they were real to you.

She wont admit it.

I do know the truth and so does she. But i just want her to be honest with me. I have been lied to enough. If she can lie about this a year later what else is she lying about.

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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:12 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Why can't it all be true? I agree with 1stWife, people's feelings can change, particularly in these circumstances. My fWH experienced what felt like love while he was cheating. It's not the sort of love that stood the test of reality and time. It was more of an infatuated/limerence kind of love which faded quickly once he realized that he was about to ruin his life. Have you ever had nitrous at the dentist's office? It's kind of like that. While you're under the influence, you're really fucked up, truly high. But just a few whiffs of oxygen and you're back to being you.

TIME moves us, but in trauma we are stuck in the moment, reliving the past over and over and over again. My advice is to stop worrying about your WW. Attend to your trauma. Invest in yourself so that you KNOW that no matter what happens, you'll be okay. This fear of getting hurt again will continue to manifest until you resolve your innate fear of abandonment and process the trauma. Work on getting your amygdala calmed down through mindfulness. Get yourself into the NOW of life so that you're not trapped in feelings from the past. Give yourself an intentional break from worrying about her and spend that time developing YOU. Revisit it in six months and see if you're happy with the results and whether she's made the kind of internal changes you need to see. She's either going to remediate her broken character or she's not. You worrying about it won't change the outcome.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 4:20 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

My husband had feelings for his AP. I remember being really frustrated about the same time as you are now because I asked questions and I didn’t hear what I needed to hear, or better said what I knew to be true but I wanted my WH to find his way there by himself.

In our case I would ask him how he felt about his AP and he’d tell me what your wife tells you now, that the AP made him laugh, made him feel wanted and desired but it wasn’t love.

You see what I sadistically wanted to hear was how he felt DURING the affair, ie. how he felt when he came through that door and told me he’s in love with her, he loved us both and he couldn’t help it, it just happened. shocked

I don’t think your wife is lying as such: she is telling you how she felt at the time of her affair, she did have feelings for him, she thought those feelings were genuine, she did want to run off into the sunset with him (I’m not telling you this to hurt you, most affairs have some sort of future faking).

Now however she knows it wasn’t real, it wasn’t love. It was all just a pretend world, a fantasy bubble that exploded in her face.

Listen - affairs are happening as a form of escapism for the cheater. Of course you feel ecstatic if you spend a few minutes/hours of your day without any of the day to day life reality. No kids to raise, no bills to pay, no house to clean, and there’s this new person that doesn’t see you, the real you and how you are at your lowest, but this new pretend person, the AP, tells you you’re the most amazing person.

I remember once exploding and asking my WH "and when you two spent time telling each other how amazing you are, when she told you you are a fantastic father and a great man, did any of you see the irony of it? Did you also give her a taste of that sarcastic tone that you use with me when you’re frustrated or the ‘I wanna kill you’ look?"

I think part of my healing was realising what a lot of bs everything was in their affair. It’s a lot of pain to go through but I am telling you hand on heart, from 5 years out I am almost (not quite) laughing when I’m thinking of these two idiots telling each other how great they were when in reality they were such shitty people.

One thing I would say though: the biggest push for me was to constantly prompt my WH to find out in IC why he didn’t value a stable good life, why loyalty was so low in his moral values why short, empty (in the long run) expériences valued more than the kids and wife he had at home. He had a pretty good life, slightly routined but nothing you couldn’t change with a 10 min conversation.

For me at least, that was the crux of it, I myself had my cheating "opportunity" presented to me a few times through my marriage and I remember actively thinking how heartbroken my kids and my husband would be if I would take that route. Besides feeling bad for even having the thought passing through my head because I had a family dedicated husband at home and here I was thinking of cheap thrills. Turns out my husband did not feel the same, did not live in gratitude but rather in entitlement…

When you talk next try and see where her values and morals are, that may tell you more.

Dday - 27th September 2017

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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:20 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

This is where reconciliation takes the strength of a thousand warriors. And for a long time early on caused me many a tears.

The Wayward has to be honest with themselves before they can be honest with anyone else. And that is hard because the mirror of truth is a fucking bitch. Many don't want to see it for what it was because they don't like that reflection of themselves. It is quite ugly - much uglier than they want to admit. At this stage they aren't protecting you as much as they are protecting themselves. It is an ugly truth on many levels. They resist talking to you, and IC, etc., because they want to see through a warped lens and control their reflection.

Not saying the wayward is a narcissist, but the old narcissist's prayer comes to mind here:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

All the minimization and gaslighting and deflecting, etc. isn't so spare you your feelings, it is to protect themselves from their own. The resistance is strong with some. As is the self preservation.

Only you can figure out how much you can take and how much more effort you want to put into reconciliation. It sure isn't for wimps.

And only you can decide how long you can live knowing she is lying to you and herself.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 5:08 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

(((HUGS)))

I want to let you know I completely understand what you are feeling. This SUCKS...and when your wife says one thing...then another...it really does mess with your head. I want to say this with all due respect Dear Sir...YOU are the one who is messing with your head the most.

She says in her head she doesn't look upon it as being positive. She hates what she did. She doesn't think about him or the affair.

How can I believe that.

I know what she is saying is a lie.

The thing is what they had does seem real to me and I wasn't even present at the time.

It sounds perfect. Summer evening walks, hand in hand. Looking in to each others eyes kissing under the stars. Leading her up the stairs where he wrips off her clothes and they make passionate love.

As i say she was attracted to this guy. He is a good looking guy. They have a laugh they have fun. But she does admit that it wasn't real. She sees that it was wrong. But i keep saying it may have not been real it may have been wrong but your feelings are what they are and they were real to you.

She wont admit it.

I do know the truth and so does she. But i just want her to be honest with me. I have been lied to enough. If she can lie about this a year later what else is she lying about.

These are some of the things YOU wrote in just THIS thread. Please read them again. Can you see the contradictions?

I'll say it again...this SUCKS crying .

EVERY Wayward will realize exactly what your wife told you when they see the REALITY of what their A was...two selfish people using each other to get what they want.The A is NOT a positive experience...they HATE what they did...and they don't ever want to think about the WORST choice they ever made ever again. After you have been on here a while you will see this for yourself. It was then that I started to think that MAYBE my H wasn't lying when he said these SAME THINGS that your wife has told you.

My H intentionally held the adultery co-conspirator's hands too. Why? In HIS words...because he thought that by doing this it would make the adultery co-conspirator think he CARED...which would keep her coming back and having sex with him. IT WORKED.

My H told me on Dday that he could kiss the adultery co-conspirator for HOURS. This was a HUGE stab in the heart for me because my H was NOT a kisser...that's what he told me anyway when WE would be kissing and he would stop. I let that go...then I found out on Dday that he could kiss her for hours crying . After asking the questions...like I said in my last post...guess what was really happening? The adultery co-conspirator LIKED kissing...so he would kiss her...you guessed it...so that she would keep coming back to have sex with him duh . When they were in bed...he would kiss her...which got her wet...which got him hard...so he could fuck her. They NEVER just kissed...and certainly didn't kiss for hours rolleyes .

That part you write about...where he ripped off her clothes and they made passionate love? OF COURSE it was passionate...otherwise...WHY have it? Guess what the biggest sex organ is? Our brain smile . Those chemicals were working overtime for my H...they had PASSION. My H told me on Dday that he NEEDED passion in his life...and he hadn't felt it with me for a LONG time. That was sure news to me!!! Our sex life was going full steam until I had to leave him working alone overseas to come back to the States for a family emergency.

This PASSION they had? It was LUST. The adultery co-conspirator could have been anyone...anyone who was broken enough to agree to NSA sex with a stranger who was working overseas duh . My H placed ads on Craigslist...and messaged over a hundred people...writing that he was a "happily married man" looking for NSA sex while working in that country. MOST of the women told him what a PIG he was for doing this to his wife. But ONE agreed to it...because...I kid you not...he was an American rolleyes .

MANY men are attractive...but the adultery co-conspirator was MORE attractive to your wife for ONE reason...he was giving her broken selfish self what she wanted. Your wife is telling you that she SEES it wasn't real. You will believe all of that other "romcon drivel" that Hollywood portrays...but you won't believe what your wife is telling you?

Your wife DID have feelings for the adultery co-conspirator...just like my H did. She has said that to you...just like my H did. But those feeling were based on a LIE Dear Sir. This was hard for me to understand too...I truly know what you are going through...as do most Betrayeds. We Betrayeds are NOT selfish like this...we have self control...we are stronger than to give in to lust. That is why we Betrayeds can't fathom an A being anything but passionate...intense...REAL LOVE. But time after time...the Waywards on here write how that is simply NOT true.

You say you KNOW the truth. What YOU know is the truth of what YOUR feelings would be...or what you THINK your feelings would be. When my H described their first kiss...I subconsciously put OUR scenario of our first kiss into that scenario. Our first kiss was electrifying. Yes...I'm thinking of John Travolta singing that in the movie GREASE laugh !! But that was the MOST amazing kiss I ever had. As it turned out...when my H kissed the adultery co-conspirator for the first time...he was thinking how he had crossed a line...and it made him a little sick. It didn't stop him though crying .

When I first got on this site...MY situation was different than most on here. My H had this sexual fantasy of USING a woman...a stranger. He had the opportunity when he was working alone overseas. He did not "fall in love" and then have sex...he had sex then felt feelings of love. He also confessed two days after coming home from overseas...even though he told himself that he would carry this "dirty little secret" to his grave. So I didn't catch him cheating like most on here.

However...the A itself...it fell right in line with the Cheater's Handbook rolleyes . I don't know either of you...but I do know that this is not healthy for either of you. You do NOT want to be played again...you WANT the full unadulterated TRUTH. You don't want to rugsweep ANYTHING. I completely get that. I believe your wife is trying to tell you the truth smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 5:32 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

@Want2BHappyAgain

Thank you once again for trying to help me through this mess.

Im 1 year post dday and things are better. But mentally I'm now struggling as you can see.

Its the questions playing on my mind. You hut the nail on the head. Im projecting. Im wanting her to act like i would in this situation.

But what worries me is how she acted on Friday. When she said that she knows the answers but just doesn't know how to tell me.

She put her hand infront of her mouth after she said that. Like she was in shock and to also stop herself from grining.

She must see its tight saying one thing and then taking it back and saying another.

Just tell me you had feelings for him .Admit it. Let me hear you say it and mean it.

She keeps saying but you know how i felt.

Why isn't she looking back with guilt. The first time they kissed i asked her did she think about the line she crossed and she said no. She didn't think at all.

When she slept with him she felt guilty but not for long as she was with him again that evening.

I asked if she thought he was attractive and she said yeah he is fit. She told him she missed him when she wasn't with him. He said love you and she said you too,. But she says it wasn't love she never said she loved him.

Its like she is running form the truth.

I know the truth. Yes i cant handle it. I wish i wasnt living this. But her AP is still out there he is still single. He could come back at any point.

Thats the scary thing. I think she will do anything for him.

But i also see that she would do anything for me too

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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 5:35 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

@ChamomileTea

I see that peoples feelings change. But if i put myself in that situation and think how i would feel. Its like just because its wrong doesnt stop the way i would feel.

Just because an affair has been exposed would that make me think i didn't feel the feelings anymore or make them any more relevant.

I see people see the wrong and hurt that they have caused when out the fog. But they must still see what they had as being something. They lived it and possibly miss it

May be i just dont get affairs.

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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 5:39 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

@Luna10

Im one year post dday and i dont know why im feeling this more strongly now. It seems to have got very heavy all of a sudden,

My wife says all the things that come straight form the script.

But she does show me she wants me too. Its not all words. Her actions couldnt be any better.

I just worry she is missing him, shes not happy and im not enough,

I feel like im living in the cloud of their affair and no matter what i do she will compare and it wont be good enough.

I get triggered all the time. Music, black 4 x 4 cars, Muscled men its all triggering me.

I don' rolleyes t know why my wife would still want me when she had everything she said she had with her AP.

He is a really good looking guy. Fitter, younger, better looking and with no doubt give better sex.

We live a life of misery at times at the moment. Why woudl she want this when she could have that

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:40 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I am sorry you are struggling and like you, I struggled for 3 years post Dday. Three. Long. Hard. Years.

I had the same questions and doubts. I had the same crazy circular reasoning discussions.

On a nutshell this is my take:

Initially, The cheater gets some ego boost from the AP. Innocent. It means very little. They both are attracted to the "ego boost" mentality they give to each other. It becomes an an affair.

Then the affair becomes more than just a fling b/c there are real feelings. When I say real — real to the cheaters. Real that they believe it’s love ❤️ etc.

The affair ends (for whatever reason). The bubble bursts. The cheater sees the selfishness and pain they caused. If they truly love their spouse they are ashamed and horrified by their choices.

The cheaters don’t know what to do. They don’t want the marriage to end but they don’t make the best choices out of fear. They will trickle truth or continue to lie etc.

They realize the "affair" wasn’t "special". It was a fraud. A mirage. Built up in their mind to be more than it was. The cheater may realize they were used for sex by the AP - and then they are further devastated.

Do you see how the cheater had one set of feelings at one time for the AP but then their feelings changed with a reality check? They may realize it wasn’t love and never was blah blah blah.

It explains why you get two (or 3) different answers to the same question.

Yes the cheater liked the attention. Yes the cheater liked the ego boost. Yes it was exciting b/c they met someone new etc. but in the light of day it was fake and a fantasy.

You just cannot make sense out of it. Please stop trying. I’ve been down that road. You are best with accepting it happened and it’s over. I made myself crazy trying to make sense if a nonsensically stupid situation.

Don’t be me.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:46 PM, Tuesday, June 14th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12339   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740154
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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 5:42 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

@Chaos

I don't think my wife if being honest with herself and that worries me.

What happens if one day she realises that its not me she wants and she wakes up and sees she wants him.

Its been a year. Can she still be confused. Is that why she is saying one thing and then another.

Who knows but I do agree with you all I'm tormenting myself and not doing myself any favours.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8740155
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:58 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

What happens if one day she realises that its not me she wants and she wakes up and sees she wants him.

Okay Alex Trebek I’ll take that question for 100 please.

What happens? Here’s my answer:

My post nup financially protects me. I will help him pack as he has no more chances. I will move on to my exit strategy lol 😂 because I HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY.

and I will make sure my life moves forward after a period of sadness.

That’s my answer.

It sounds callous but it’s not. It’s to protect myself because 9 years ago when my H wanted a D I was completely unprepared. Kids. Mortgage. No money to my name. No plan in place to survive the aftermath. No idea if mediation or divorce trial was the route to take.

But I did everything to make sure I will never be in that position financially again.

And yes it would hurt if he decided to D me. But I am not afraid to face it b/c I have a plan in place. I have my own social life and my own business etc.

Child custody is not an issue.

House is sold and proceeds split.

And life goes on.

You see I am happy. And I’m good with him or without him. If my H doesn’t want to be with me, I certainly don’t want to be with him. And I would move on and start the next chapter. Easy? Hell no. But better than being in a one sided marriage IMO.

After his last affair I healed myself. I take no crap. I avoid the drama and have a positive mental outlook. I know I would be sad if we D but I would not be devastated.

That’s the difference.

Remove the fear factor from your life.

One of my siblings had a spouse die unexpectedly and in their 40s. No one was prepared for it. It was devastating. Point is you can end up alone under many circumstances- death, illness, Divorce, dementia etc.

My safety net is having a plan.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:59 PM, Tuesday, June 14th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12339   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740159
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 6:00 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

But i also see that she would do anything for me too

No, she isn't. She isn't answering your questions when you ask. The same questions repeated is a sign of trauma and your brain trying to make sense of it all. She isn't going to IC. The IC isn't there just to ask questions, but can help guide your wife to looking at her whys. Why did she get to the point where she'd have an A & is she going to change so she doesn't have an A again. And the IC can help your WW to communicate with you.

The A isn't a mistake - it's thousands of conscious decisions to betray you. She could have stopped at any time, but didn't. What is she doing to make sure she isn't going to make those same terrible decisions again?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8740160
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 6:23 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I’ve had over 2.5 years to discuss and process this. My W will admit to feeling exhilaration during the A. Then crash with severe guilt, feeling disgusting. She would go back to AP, feel the exhilaration again and then crash.

Soon after Dday our sex was incredible, we were in HB, I accused her of fantasizing about the AP and that is why she is so into it. She was adamant that it wasn’t true. I told her it’s something that could never be proven and I will never believe her.

A little over a year past Dday and HB cooled off, I had mentioned her A and the sexual stuff, I saw this cringe look and she started crying, she said it’s disgusting to even think about. I’ve known my W for over 3 decades and this was an authentic response, I truly believe the A was fun but ate at her at the same time.

I no longer believe she was fantasizing about him, I believe early on, I was her new AP. Not about him, not about me, but about her.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1652   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8740166
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:32 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

My safety net is having a plan.

Cannot emphasize enough how important this is.

Not only is it empowering, but it makes you feel good about yourself and establishing boundaries. Once my safety net was in place and my XWS started to act out again. I was out the door without hesitation.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
Was Married 19 yrs
DD(19) DS(16)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl
Legally Separated 3 years, Divorcing

posts: 8299   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8740191
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:24 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Once my safety net was in place and my XWS started to act out again. I was out the door without hesitation

Proof that my idea works.

Dday1 I did not want a D. I did everything to avoid it. However my common sense told me to get a plan together just in case.

Dday2 - that plan being in place allowed me to tell my H I had enough of his lying and cheating and false R. I had no other options left and D was the only solution.

Address what your fear is and then get yourself to a better place. If you never need your exit plan — that’s great. But if you decide 2 years from now the marriage isn’t working and you want a D — then having a plan makes it easier for you to D.

I say everyone should have a back up plan or plan B or whatever you want to call it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12339   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740205
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 8:34 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I don't know why my wife would still want me when she had everything she said she had with her AP.

The adultery co-conspirator can't hold a candle to YOUR integrity...honor...and faithfulness. They may not seem like much...until they are lost.

He is a really good looking guy. Fitter, younger, better looking and with no doubt give better sex.

Yet will ALL of this...HIS wife had an A on him. Think about that Dear Sir. I believe we ALL agree that Halle Berry is FIT and better looking than a lot of other women. Yet SHE was cheated on. NONE of this was what drew your wife to him. I will write it again...an A is nothing more than two SELFISH people USING each other to get what they want.

We live a life of misery at times at the moment. Why woudl she want this when she could have that

I asked my H that once. His answer..."Our worst day is better than the best day I ever had with her".

My safety net is having a plan.

I totally AGREE with this smile . When I had a plan in place to LEAVE at any moment...it made it easier for me to work on STAYING.

ETA: Going into the second year after Dday was by FAR the worst time for me crying . The shock from the first year was wearing off and the reality was hitting me square in the face that the rest of my life was going to be with this horrible albatross around my neck crying . Those triggers were EVERYWHERE too...and my H's A was in a different country an ocean away. I am coming up on my ninth year after Dday...and that albatross is nothing more than a pesky gnat I can easily swat away smile . I now OWN every one of those triggers too grin !!!

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 9:10 PM, Tuesday, June 14th]

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6188   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8740206
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