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Newest Member: Tortex

Off Topic :
Damned if we do… Damned if we don’t

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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 10:52 AM on Sunday, June 12th, 2022

((((WR))))

Strength, you will be in my thoughts.

((((WR))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8445   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8739828
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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 1:12 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

how did it go WR??

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8445   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8739942
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 4:30 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Well, I have talked with 2 of my sons. I have to say that neither one of them is much of a talker, and I have always thought they were much closer to their dad than me. But I have to admit that they took the news, at least from what I could tell, pretty well. I explained the facts around what we were dealing with, and the likelihood that it would shorten his life. I explained that we have no way of knowing if it would be sooner or later. But that we were all going to make the most of every minute. They didn’t really ask me any questions, but sort of nodded and made comments that led me to believe that they had been "seeing it coming" for a while now.

My third son who is incarcerated, had to receive the news through a text. That fact totally broke my heart. And he didn’t call for a couple of days. When I asked him if he got the text, he said that he had. I asked apologized again and again for having to let him know about the situation in that way. He was pretty amazing to me. He told me not to worry. He told me that he has been "feeling" my husband‘s decline like "in his bones" for a while now. I told him that we have no knowledge that there is any kind of eminent danger that he is in, but it also could be with any of his next UTIs.

I have to say that I was proud of them. Of course I don’t for a minute think that they expressed everything they were feeling, or asked me everything they were wondering about. But they were very receptive to the news. They handled it like men. I was especially surprised and amazed that my son who is incarcerated handled it as well as he did.

Seems I’m the only pu$$y (excuse me) in the bunch…Literally and figuratively.

My husband and I had talked about the situation at length and so I thought we were on the same page. After our visit with the primary care physician, he agrees that a good plan would be to do what we could to get through the less severe UTIs, but take anabiotics when the other measures didn’t work. The PCP seem to be more helpful than the urologist. Of course he is our friend as well. But he and my husband spoke about how this was the first really bad UTI he had in practically decades. He said that the plan seems to be a good one seeing how although my husband has frequent UTIs, they are not normally or hardly ever as bad as this last one.

Anyway, my husband and I agreed with the steps that we were going to take to be as preventative and proactive as we can. Then yesterday he failed to follow through with a couple of those steps, and I had a one-way conversation with him. I basically told him that I was here to help him in whatever way he wanted me to. I would take every measure that I was able to in order to be as safe as we can be to fight this mess. I told him that if he chose to do nothing, I would be there here to support him through that as well. But then I sort of tore him a new one about the fact that he had told me that he wanted to follow through with our "plan" and yet was not doing it. He started paying attention a little more about that time.

Finally, I ask him if he did not understand that this was serious stuff, that it could cost him his life. He said yes he did understand, and so I ask him is he trying to die? He actually started crying at that point. He said no I do not I want to die. So I told him that if he was going to tell me that he wanted to try, he damn well better show me too.

He woke up this morning with a different mindframe. Even woke me up once reminding me that it was time to cath, when my alarm didn’t go off.

Today has been a better day.

We are having to have discussions about whether or not to purchase (between $600 and $900 a month after insurance) enough catheters to use them only once, Even though our urologist says it is not necessary. Of course, if we decide to put that money into the catheters, it will mean letting go of life insurance policies which will be a big blow for either one of us when the other goes, and leave our children nothing. Something else to think about.

Thanks for all your kind words

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7540   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8740281
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:51 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Do not sacrifice your future. My ex wayward spouse had prostate issues that caused him to use a catheter for six months before they could repair it due to damage to his kidneys. He was advised to not use disposable catheters but just to be very clean and that that was the better approach. I know this is extraordinarily difficult decision and you’re really between a rock and a hard place. But as you’ve pointed out there’s only one way out of this mess and you guys can do everything in your powers to keep things sterile and clean. you have many more years and do not sacrifice your future.

I’m sorry things are so difficult right now. But glad that your sons took it well and I hope they support you.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4876   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8740283
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nightowl1975 ( member #32212) posted at 6:56 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

I’m so sorry you’re having to make such difficult choices.

[This message edited by nightowl1975 at 7:01 AM, Wednesday, June 15th]

Me: 44
Ex: 52
D Day: 4/2010
Divorced: 7/2010

posts: 781   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2011
id 8740286
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 11:06 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Don't let go of those life insurance policies. It's not just about leaving your kids with nothing, it's about not being an ongoing burden to them while you're still alive. Think about how hard it is to say no to extreme measures here. Now imagine putting your sons in that awful dilemma instead, where they have to decide what big sacrifices to make to support you vs watching you live in poverty.

You've had so much to cope with, WR, but I think you're blinded by fear and guilt here, so I'm giving you some tough love. Don't shove that responsibility off on them, especially in exchange for something that the doctors are telling you isn't medically necessary.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 11:26 AM, Wednesday, June 15th]

WW/BW

posts: 2834   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8740291
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 2:20 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

I want to thank you for saying that. I never even thought about them not only not getting an inheritance, but having to actually worry with us.

I’ve been up all night thinking of what we can do to make ends meet. We’re doing OK now, but it is tough to pay the big life insurance policies. And to add a large payment for medical supplies on top of that would be a total stretch. Our savings would just start dwindling and I figured out we would have less than 10 years if we were just barely trying to make ends meet.

I’ve even wondered if we could perhaps reduce the amount of the insurance policy because my husband got it when the boys were very young, so if something happened to him, I would be able to raise the boys without his salary. Because I had quit my teaching job to be a stay home mom. I’m an idiot, and I found out that you can’t ask if you could pay half of the insurance payment and reduce the pay out by half. They just don’t do that. Everyone knows this but me! They said they would have to just let his policy go and start from scratch. But of course no one will insure him at this point.

Anyway… I did some research overnight, and it looks as though we were having to pay between $600 and $900 a month for catheters and related supplies at one time, but that is when we had another type of insurance. Now that we are on Medicare, and a Medicare advantage plan, I’m thinking/reading they might pay it in full. Today I’m going to call our PCP and ask for a prescription to be sent to a medical supply company, and let them call me and tell me what kind of supplemental charge we would have to pay.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if after all of this planning /agonizing / worrying on my part, I found out that Medicare would pay for it all?

🙏🙏🙏

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7540   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8740309
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 2:38 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Praying that your needed supplies are covered. It sickens me that you or anyone has the added burden of worrying about paying for medical care and supplies.

I am facing being uninsured and figuring out if I can afford my medications. I also took care of my handicapped mom for fifteen years and understand how expensive everything is.

I'm just really sorry you have these added worries.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2863   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8740315
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 4:46 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Oh my gosh! Surely there are services that you can take advantage of that would keep you from not being able to take your medication!

This world has some screwed up priorities I’ll tell you.

Thanks for the good thoughts for us.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7540   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8740327
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 6:27 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

You are so kind Whatsright. I will manage with or with out my medications.

You and your family are in my daily prayers.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2863   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8740357
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