And please don’t feel like you over-stepped with your post. I thought it was insightful to read. Please keep sharing your perspective—it’s valuable.
OK good :)
DR, I’m glad that for the most part your family had a good vacation.
I’m really advocating for you to re read MamaBear’s post b/c she said what I want except she did so intelligently & eloquently.
You two need to separate IMO. I don’t think your wife can work on herself while continuing to currently live together. She’s prioritizing your needs, wants, temperament, and worse, FAILING at it. She needs to put her oxygen mask on first before she can turn to you, to help you and work on the marriage. You’re a distraction and bad reinforcement b/c she’s also shortcoming when it comes to being who you need & want her to be.
For your part, you have much to work on too, and I think you know that, but you’re laser focused on her and her failings. I will admit I cringed reading you fully acknowledge that your wife is not in the mood for sex the week before her period, but want her not to be not in the mood - that has nothing to do with the affair, or her being manipulative, we as individuals have our moods that we can do little to change. I’ll share, the week before my period I’m insatiable. If my partner were low libido, we would not be sexually compatible that week, it’s just how my body and hormones work. I’d be mad af if because my partner felt inconvenienced, termed my biology as me trying to control them.
I’m lucky that I usually can be convinced even when initially not in the mood, however, as people we change, evolve, again, biology, out of our control, and I fully expect a time to come where I don’t want to be touched, and I dread it. In the rare times I’m not down, I despise being pestered, manipulated or guilted for sex. I can’t think of many things I can find to be more irritating and repulsive. The impression I get, again I don’t know you from Adam and I’m really not trying to be unfair to you, that you want your wife to be in the mood when you are, and if she’s not, you get upset. You get upset when she tells you the truth that she’s not in the mood, you get upset if she tries to fake enthusiasm, you get upset when she acquiesces but isn’t enthusiastic enough.
And b/c she cheated you want/expect her to be DTF at your whim and when not in the mood, to be able to fake it well enough that you can’t tell she’s faking it and/or reticent enough that she’s genuinely always happy DTF b/c she cheated. It’s not possible. So she’s destined to fail. And in re to this very specific issue, you’ve seen yourself as a victim and this affair has given you opportunity & license to take advantage/get some revenge in this aspect?
What, other than sex and kids, is currently keeping the marriage together. Love simply isn’t enough. Thus IA with others, you should stop having sex for now. Sex in a marriage is supposed to be like the oil that keeps all the gears moving smoothly. The problem with your marriage is gears are missing, broken, and out of whack. The machine is a barely functional, definitely not productive. Consider taking out the sex and work on the actual structure of the machine, then reintroduce the sex to help it along once you handle the major repairs. I fear, and I sense you fear, that if you take away the sex, you’re afraid to face whether this is even a machine you want to keep running. That you don’t want to face that this may be a machine that’s broken beyond repair, it’s totaled, or maybe it was a machine that never should’ve been assembled. But you have to face it otherwise you and your wife are both just spinning wheels and wasting time.
Time also being an issue b/c you have limited patience and used to using time efficiently. People telling you you are early in the process is probably driving you insane lol. As much as it sucks tho it is a process, that you don’t have complete control over. And in your attempt to save time you’re wasting it. Maybe separate, work on things individually, and then come back together or decide to separate permanently.