Look, DrS, I’m not intentionally trying to add to the humiliation. Just trying to help you navigate the mind challenges you will no doubt encounter when your wife will withdraw from the daily sex offering as hysterical bonding finishes. Take it from us who are in long term R. When that "quick I have to fuck to claim you back" stage ends. That’s when reality really hits. Hence why everyone here tells you that R now is too soon cause in more crass terms, you’re being pussy whipped. Your getting from her what you really desired. And desperately needed. Sex.
You said it yourself, the EA was really inconsequential. It didn’t matter. In fact, you wanted to use it as a way to spark your wife’s desire for you. Put an end to the dead bedroom situation. You would have allowed this to continue had you not discovered it turned into a PA.
The main reason most men cannot get over their wives being unfaithful is the sex. We are biologically wired to feel threatened when another man tries to have sex with our partner. For our survival. And the passing on of our genes.
Your wife used sex to humiliate you. Subconsciously and consciously you gave her the green light when you felt comfortable for her to speak to a man about intimate details of her life. "It was good for her and our marriage". Unfortunately, the opposite happened. But I can understand from your perspective why you allowed it. The thought of another man having sex with our wife sends signals to our brain to activate our sexual prowess to compete. Your fantasy turned into reality. Horrifically. I know of a friend who fantasised his wife as a Hot Wife. He encouraged her to flirt with other men. He then wanted her to have sex with them. But when she got a taste of the flirting and he realised this could actually turn into an affair he wanted her to back off. She didn’t. She was smitten as a late-30s year old that a 22 year old man wanted to have sex with her. Most 22 year old testosterone filled men want to have sex even with a 38 year old mother of 3 children. Suffice to add, she left my friend to start a "relationship" with the 22 year old. Unsurprising it didn’t go too far when he realised he could pull in younger women.
It’s one thing to fantasise, it’s another to actively encourage your wife to flirt with other men, particularly when she isn’t giving you sex. It’s a recipe for disaster.
I’ll go back to my original point, please ask your psychologist about EMDR. It will help you overcome the visualisations that are torturing you. Cause if you don’t address it, you most likely will still be tortured by them in 5 years. Whether you stay with your wife or not.
My initial response to you was a bit rushed, but there's a lot you're saying that doesn't apply to me, but also a lot of points that are very important, so I want to unpack this all a bit more.
To start, sex has been largely a mental exercise for me my entire life. The physical/mechanical aspects of it are rarely enough for me; I almost always need an angle. The angle often plays on dominant or submissive framing; i.e. if I'm bending a woman over and having sex with her, I'm "dominating" her and taking what I want--I'm in control, I'm "the man," and she's uncontrollably having orgasms because I'm fucking her so good, my dick's so big, etc. Alternatively, and more often, I enjoy the role of the submissive--I enjoy being humiliated, so that's the part we'll need to dig into.
As I documented early in my first thread, the sex life with my wife the last several years largely revolved around me giving her oral sex and cuming in my boxers while doing it--often timing my orgasm with hers. Why that developed fascinates me, but I think it was a combination of factors:
1. My submissive fantasies took over my sexuality. I was posting on a sex forum (as a journal) and trying to push myself into an increasingly MORE submissive sex life. I'd push my wife to take verbal shots at me ("you don't get to fuck me, only lick me;" "no other husband would settle for just cuming in his pants;" "you cum too fast during sex, so this is all you get.")--it was all roleplay, and my wife would VERY rarely engage, but I lived for those moments as it was the only time I felt sexually alive. I needed that to enjoy our sex life.
2. My wife, early on, did not enjoy sex. I have an above average-sized penis and she would often complain various positions hurt her (as discussed, she's tiny, 110 lbs). That combined with her various anger/resentments for me led her to not want to have sex with me. Early in our marriage, the most often sex session was her giving me oral and me bringing her to an orgasm with my fingers (which has always been her favorite way to cum). Over the last 5~ years that developed into almost all oral sex from me 3x~ a week (we'd have intercourse only 20x~ a year I'd guess). Essentially, her not wanting to have sex led me to expand my fetish so I could enjoy the sex life she was ok participating in with me. I'd talk with her about my fetish (at least a dozen 2-3 hour conversations over the years), but she'd shutdown every time. The result was me acting out my fetish in our sex life alone--to her she was just relaxing and getting oral before bed; it didn't go any deeper for her. However, as a result, her not understanding the fetish but participating in it changed her image of me into a doormat with no self-respect--she didn't understand the fantasy vs. reality of it all.
I should also make it clear though that while the fantasy of her having sex with another man was in the back of my mind for years, I was in no way mentally prepared for it to happen. If we go back a year, my perfect scenario would have been her flirting with a guy at a bar while I looked on or her having cyber sex with a guy online with me sitting next to her. Also, going back to the beginning of our relationship, I always wanted her to tell me about her past sex experiences while she gave me a HJ, but she locked up on that front very quickly. Regardless, I was in no way ready for her to have sex with someone else, but the idea of another man having her was both terrifying and arousing.
So now, post-affair, it's still all mental for me. When I'm having sex with her, I'm often "claiming her back" as you cite; when she's giving me a HJ or BJ, I'm often fantasizing about all the humiliating things that could have gone on behind my back. Not always--sometimes I'm present and connecting with her--but often enough for it to be an issue.
Where we strongly disagree is that in no way was my wife trying to humiliate me during the affair. All of this fetish stuff confuses the hell out of her. During the affair she was actively trying to give me more sex and didn't want me to give her as much oral. And in no way did she think she had my blessing to have an EA (though I suspect my inaction on Jan. 20 emboldened her to be sloppier in covering her tracks--up until she was caught, she never thought I had a clue).
We do agree that it was all a recipe for disaster. My wife and I didn't have a close enough bond or open communication to attempt any kind of complicated open relationship. But again, that's not what any of this was--she was just cheating.