Are you also in IC doc?
My first IC session will be tomorrow.
If I remember right there was some history of purely on-line contact with single other women by you for a while, perhaps with a fetishistic aspect.
How does that fit within the chronology of what you now know of your wife resenting you and exiting the marriage. Does your wife know the detail of it? Has this been discussed in the joint sessions?
From my wife's perspective, she recalls first resenting me because she felt it took too long for me to marry her; then shortly after, even more significant resentment because I asked her to sign a pre-nup. Both of those things led her to feel closed off from me emotionally and in turn she weaponized her feelings by punishing me sexually. She became closed off to sexual advances and she began to no longer enjoy sex. In her mind, sex was a reward I didn't deserve. So not only would she be closed off to sex, but she would make her displeasure about sex known to me all the time in the moments following a sexual act.
I've noted these earlier in the thread (I think), but essentially she'd complain about sex hurting her, or cum getting on her/in her mouth, etc. Basically, the moments after a sex act were always reserved for her to make it clear it was something she did not enjoy. That had a profound effect on me--I stopped really enjoying sex acts with her because I felt guilty for doing things she didn't want to do. Shortly after our marriage (2013~), I briefly considered divorce, thinking there was no way I could live my life that way. But I felt I had made a commitment and thought we could work through her issues.
On my end, yes, I resorted to talking with single women online and exploring fetishes that my wife was unwilling to entertain. I wrote about it in detail earlier in the thread and I'm open to discussing it if there's any specific questions.
I kept her aware of me doing it, but she was uninterested and didn't want to hear about it--she viewed it as an equivalent to me jerking off to porn. In retrospect, she said it likely also made her feel inadequate, but she's not entirely sure.
Following DDay I provided her more detail of the conversations; specifically because one of the fantasies I explored with an online friend was her cheating on me with the AP--I wrote about the fantasy in September, after meeting him; roughly four months before she ultimately slept with him.
Even more creepy, the fantasy I described involved him fucking her in the back of his car in a parking lot near our house on two occasions. On DDay, before the real truth of the affair came out, she lied to me (wanting to hide the hotel visits and frequency), telling me that they had sex only twice, both times in the back of his car in the same parking lot near our house.
There are two facts: one, I am 100% positive she had no knowledge of my specific fantasy and she corroborates that; two, it seems virtually impossible for that to be a coincidence.
We have discussed most of this in MC, but neither the MC nor my wife thinks my sexual fetishes or online discussions with other women are very relevant to our current major issues (which I find odd, honestly)--I wanted to dig in more, but conversations kept steering away. I plan to dig in with my own IC though obviously.
[This message edited by Drstrangelove at 7:25 PM, Tuesday, May 24th]