Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: itspointless

Divorce/Separation :
I have reached the end of my marriage

Topic is Sleeping.
default

 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 2:57 PM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2021

Nothing new to report, received the Complaint for Divorce.

Considering holding off on actually filing until after the holidays. I kinda want to give my children one last peaceful Christmas with both parents in the house (we get along in front of the kids for their sake) before blowing up their worlds.

posts: 194   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8698677
default

 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 12:16 AM on Wednesday, December 15th, 2021

It's crazy how people flip on a dime man. Emailed my lawyer the go ahead to file asap, Thursday is the day, she knows, and is picking the papers up at his office rather than serving her.


Her expectation is having me dump $45,000 in renovations in the house, then go move into a 2 bedroom apartment, and she doesn't know when she can refi the house to pay me off. Lol

I told her the only way I was putting that into the house is if we sell in the spring, and she pay me for half the reno costs out of her half the equity. That pissed her off, but the first red flag was her becoming furious when I said I just wanna run whatever we decide past my lawyer before I sign it. How dare I use the legal representation that I already hired.

At least she has come around to the idea of divorce. That was hard, watching her so upset over the decision. It's made it a lot easier on me that she has accepted my decision, eventho she doesn't agree with it.

posts: 194   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8704165
default

 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 2:23 PM on Sunday, December 26th, 2021

I think she spent the night last night at a new guy's house. Didn't think she would be the type to have someone else a week after the divorce was filed, or leave her children on Christmas to stay the night with him, so that's been going on for some time. Still not back yet.

I have to keep telling myself I'm making the right decision, because it's obvious. Still hurts, and I don't know how not to show it.

posts: 194   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8706021
default

Alonelyagain ( member #32820) posted at 5:08 PM on Sunday, December 26th, 2021

If your attorney hasn’t already told you to do so, you should keep a log of your STBXWW’s departures and arrivals from the house at odd hours, leaving the kids with you to see her bf. Maybe consider getting a motion activated camera, aimed at the house door or driveway, to document her comings and goings.

posts: 403   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2011   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8706027
default

MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 5:24 PM on Sunday, December 26th, 2021

As someone who stupidly sold a home in SoCal I recommend rethinking the house situation.
I thought I would be able to get another house but as a single income self employed guy it proved difficult.

Getting out of the housing market is easier than getting back in, especially these days...just sayin'

And regarding the Michigan courts, my SAHD brother (4 kids, ER Doc wife) was totally screwed by Macomb County court when he got divorced. Had to pay his xw although she literally made 10x he did.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1236   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8706029
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:25 PM on Sunday, December 26th, 2021

Custody arrangements are going to be difficult.

She just up snd leaves? Not a good sign she will put her children first.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12157   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8706031
default

cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 12:22 AM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 1:00 AM, Monday, December 27th]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4774   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8706072
default

cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 12:57 AM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

My two cents. I fought for most of our belongings. We agreed to sell the home. When it was all said and done , keeping stuff is not worth it.

It felt important at the time. I loved some of the items. We spent a lot of time in mediation. Only for Exnpd to walk in and announce he had just been messing with us. I could have it all. He had been joking around ?????

Truth was that his girlfriend he left me for, dumped him. He was now going to rent a tiny apartment and could not use anything. He’s insane.

My reality is that anytime you move, there is a good chance your old stuff won’t work. Won’t fit. Too many items. Downsizing is tough.

There is also the memories or triggers. After receiving everything, I ended up selling 95 percent . It was hard work. Extra stress. More emotions. Everyone will downsize.

Different stuff. Or new stuff can be refreshing. It will be yours. It will fit. It will match. It will fill your exact needs.

It looses its importance. I’m still clearing out.

Minimizing. I see how senseless it was to fight over this stuff. That mediation cost would have paid for new. You don’t want to pay movers to move extra Also the quick time frame to split these things. Sell things after the divorce is final and house sells. It’s fast

Even as time passes I realize how much more I can get rid of. Christmas stuff. It was important It was special. I have no square footage.

These facts are less important but still must be managed during a stressful time.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 1:07 AM, Monday, December 27th]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4774   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8706079
default

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:10 AM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

I’m going to echo cancuncrushed. Don’t worry about stuff. Fight for security and your future.

My house burned down- and I am 99% happy to not have the triggers, the reminders, the tainted crap. My house is MINE. My taste. Fits my new smaller home. Has no bad juju. Be strategic and don’t let him know what is important but take the long view.

Best of luck - he sounds like a real gem duh

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4792   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8706081
default

 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 11:37 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

There is only a handful of things I want. I know I will be in a 2 bedroom in 6 months time, so I can't keep a lot.

She has agreed to fix up and sell in the spring or early summer.


She's gone again. Trying to keep my mind occupied.

posts: 194   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8706198
default

 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 11:39 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

Double tap

[This message edited by TEMPE57 at 11:40 PM, Monday, December 27th]

posts: 194   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8706199
default

taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 5:10 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

Please talk to your lawyer about her up and leaving overnight. Be careful not to seem clingy or jealous, but concerned about the kids well being. Document each time she leaves if you don’t know when she will be back.

I divorced a WH who was worried about his image too. You may be able to use that to your benefit, but know that she is already telling everyone that you cheated and abused her. My ex did the same thing. Always the victim. Blames me for everything because I filed. Be prepared and have some in the can answers. I personally like the one about how I couldn’t get along with his girlfriends or keep track of all their names. Just don’t let her shake you. And understand that she is moving on quickly because she already vilified you in order to have the affair. It doesn’t sound like she ever stopped cheating since d-day.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 374   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8706279
default

 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 9:47 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

got some honesty finally, she met someone, it's been going on for awhile.

I am happy for her, lord knows I couldn't make her happy no matter what I did, but what's bothering me is she's rubbing my face in it. I am fine to ignore it and move on my own way, but to add one more twist of the knife, she's talking to him on the phone in our living room for hours.

I am emailing my lawyer Monday to ask about me getting the fuck out of dodge, and about how best to proceed legally. I can let her torture me with this, I am already at a vulnerable spot mentally. I got a 20% pay cut 12-1-21, she is about to get a promotion making double what I am. She told me if I go after her for support, she will take my kids, and she can because "you're a man and this is Michigan" which isn't really even true but whatever.

We told the kids last night. That was rough. Great way to start this year I had so much optimism for just 2 weeks ago.

[This message edited by TEMPE57 at 9:48 AM, Sunday, January 2nd]

posts: 194   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8706991
default

HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 4:29 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Just cruel and very likely intentionally being done. The lies a WS will tell you to maintain control often has nothing to do with reality. Like you said, talk to your lawyer, but remember even they usually quote average precedence at best, your mileage will always vary. Continue to be and document being the good father since that's the only thing you can really control your STBX is no longer your concern.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 781   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8707009
default

 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 9:15 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Here's the thing, if I stay here I can document her comings any goings, if I move out I can't.

I just asked her when she was coming here cause it's her day with the kids. Not. Will be here before I go to work on the morning

I don't know how much good it's going to do, and it's at the cost of my mental health to stay in this house rn.

posts: 194   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8707043
default

 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 9:18 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Now she is claiming she doesn't feel safe here with me in the house after our rather mild argument last night. Time to get a VAR.

posts: 194   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8707044
default

HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 11:35 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Time to get a VAR.

Absolutely. I think this is fairly common with a WW. Some go for the false DV charges, but I think for most it's just part of the demonizing rewrite of history to justify their actions. I think the ones doing the rewrite actually say it to you, while the ones going for false DV changes tell it to others to lay a base. The problem is a VAR may not be enough if they know you have it since they can say anything they want (e.g she could say "stop hitting me" as she slaps her own arms). You almost need an actual body cam to really feel safe.

Since I actually left the house (yes, stupid me), I made sure I never went back without another adult who was always with me so I felt relatively safe from her going the false DV path. The people who use false DV charges should loose everything in the divorce, but unfortunately there are usually no consequences for their actions.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 781   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8707058
default

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 1:00 AM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Absolutely time to get a VAR, and if possible, see if you can get her telling you again how she's going to take your kids away if you go for the support that you are OWED BY LAW. If your attorney isn't willing to fight for your interests, go and get a new one. Seriously. If she's making more than you, go for the support. She's already got a boyfriend, so who knows how long it's going to be before she's combining her bills with his. Your attorney needs to be making sure that you aren't plunged into poverty while she's got all the money. Get what you're owed while you can, man.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5665   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8707067
default

 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 10:57 AM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Police just left. Dogs woke me and my son up at 430 so we were up. She came home at 5 and was pissed I was awake so she called the cops.

I recorded the interaction with her. She is not staying here today. I need to know how to best protect myself.

posts: 194   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8707106
default

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:22 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

VAR on your person.
VARs/cheap IP cameras all over the house. Cover it in wifi cameras. They are like $30 a pop. Get a slew of 16/32 gb SD cards and just load up.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1974   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8707226
Topic is Sleeping.
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220428 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy