Newest Member: AcesEights

General :
Ever get sad, because you know you're marriage could've been so much better without your spouse cheating

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 78monte (original poster member #72572) posted at 12:29 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I had been with my wife over 30 yrs before she cheated. Sure we had problems, what marriage doesn't. She had a 9 month long affair 4 yrs ago. 4mthEA/5mthPA.
We have since retired, have a small farm, with various critters and a couple of horses. It was our dream. Her affair has taken its toll on me. I know our life could have been so much more without this!

posts: 1452   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8692416
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 12:34 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Yes. It's a covert assassination of a person and the family unit.

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

posts: 258   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8692417
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 1:22 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Yes I feel that every damn day.

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3391   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8692425
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:29 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

78monte

What has your experience w/ the reconciliation process?

Is your wife remorseful? Did everything to make amends?

What has your own healing process been?

Are you unhappy or just meh?

PS love playing the song game with you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8692426
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 1:29 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Double post

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 7:30 PM, October 9th (Saturday)]

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3391   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8692427
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csaiht ( member #77335) posted at 1:31 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I think of this every single day. My situation is different because I discovered my husband had been cheating for an entire decade of our marriage, but I have the same thought. Whatever he thought he was getting from his APs he could've gotten from me if only he'd been putting his attention and energy on us as a family. We could've had such a good life. He stole so many years from me & our kids.

What's extra hurtful is that because of the pandemic, we were forced to be at home together more than any other time in our almost 20 year relationship, and it was great! It was so good for all of us. We were so happy. We really felt the fact that being at work 40+ hours per week is terrible for families & relationships & were trying to figure out a different path so we wouldn't have to go back to that.

And then I found out about all his hidden secrets. My whole world was shattered. I will never understand how he weighed the risk of losing this all & still went through with it. (We are separated now)

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8692428
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Stayinghopefull ( member #57957) posted at 1:56 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Yes, pretty much every day. Especially right now. H had a year long affair 17 years ago. We stayed together and life has been pretty good. Two beautiful daughters that are now older teens. But now he’s doing things that are completely crossing boundaries again. I’m not staying this time. It sucks but I’m 48 and don’t want this to be the rest of my life. Sorry your in this situation too

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull at 1:57 AM, Sunday, October 10th]

Joined SI 17 years ago when H had year long affair.
Found 5 new OW in the past 6 months. Heading towards D.
Two wonderful teen kids that don't deserve this.
Me: BS 48 H: WS 50 Together 27 yrs, Married 22 yrs

posts: 98   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2017
id 8692433
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 78monte (original poster member #72572) posted at 2:12 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

1st Wife, R has been slow.
My wife has been remorseful, but not as consistent as I wish she was.
We have one daughter still living with us, who really needs our attention at the moment.
I'm mostly sad. I've been waiting for an online betrayed husbands group to get in touch with me.
Trying to find good therapy during covid is a chore.
PISD, isn't as bad as it was a year ago.
I am happy you are playing the song game. The more people, the merrier.

posts: 1452   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8692436
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WTAF ( member #79274) posted at 2:20 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Yes. I get sad about so many of the effects of his shitty behavior. I am sad about the tainted memories, the years lost to his selfishness, and the symbols and traditions that I feel are lost to me. I can't wear my rings. Our wedding song makes me cry. Our anniversary date means nothing to me. One of my favorite pictures ever of the two of us makes me sick to look at because now all I see is a cheating liar and a clueless fool.

We have come a long way, and are building and nurturing a new relationship, but I will never "get over" the infidelity. It's a grief that has faded over time but is always there, in the same way I will never "get over" the loss of my dad and grandparents. The losses are a part of my life and a part of our story together.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2021   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8692440
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:22 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

78, if someone asked your wife how things were between you two, would she think things are much better than they are?

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4464   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8692442
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 2:34 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Nope, never sad about that. My ex-wife cheated because that is who she is. If she never cheated she would have to have been a totally different person. Her cheating, lying, flirting, narcissism, and insecurities are her. I am sad that I allowed myself to marry someone like her.

posts: 456   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8692448
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 78monte (original poster member #72572) posted at 2:47 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Thatbpguy,she would say things are better(which I do think they are better also). She would also say, she knows the damage she has created and she does know our life would be in a much better place, had she not cheated.
I feel everyone else's pain and empathize with all of you.
Thank you all for replying,it's comforting to know I'm not alone and neither are you.

posts: 1452   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8692452
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csaiht ( member #77335) posted at 2:55 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I am happy you are playing the song game. The more people, the merrier.

What is the song game?

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8692454
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 3:19 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Csaiht:

Check the fun and games forum.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2850   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8692461
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 78monte (original poster member #72572) posted at 3:20 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Csaiht, song title game is in fun and games forum. You name a song title with any word of last song posted. smile

posts: 1452   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8692462
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veryhurt2018 ( member #65877) posted at 3:35 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I was so looking forward to him retiring. He had 4 years left and then I found out that he cheated (a ton). I think everyday about what I did wrong to deserve this. I'm not a big believer in God, but if I was I would give it up. I just don't understand why I deserved so much pain. I did nothing but love him 100%. We've reconciled and I'm happy again but I would be REALLY happy if he hadn't done what he did!!

Me-BW(51)Him-SAWH(57 at D-Day)D-Day: 5/9/18 followed by trickle truth for 12 months

posts: 146   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2018   ·   location: California
id 8692463
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csaiht ( member #77335) posted at 3:45 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Csaiht, song title game is in fun and games forum. You name a song title with any word of last song posted.

Oh! Got it, thanks!

I was so looking forward to him retiring. He had 4 years left and then I found out that he cheated (a ton). I think everyday about what I did wrong to deserve this. I'm not a big believer in God, but if I was I would give it up. I just don't understand why I deserved so much pain. I did nothing but love him 100%.

We were in the middle of some exciting new life plans as well when I found out he'd been cheating the whole time. I wonder the same thing. All I did was be patient & loving & supportive. I did not deserve this. I made him move out about 7 weeks ago now. I just could not find a way to feel good about this & feel ok with staying together.

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8692464
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 78monte (original poster member #72572) posted at 4:34 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Veryhurt2018 and Csaiht, neither of you deserved the pain inflicted upon you.
None of this was deserved. It's hard to believe how much the selfish actions of our spouses inflict such ever lasting pain.

posts: 1452   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8692473
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:47 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I've read some of your previous posts and have a couple of questions. When did you find out about your W's A? Have you talked with anyone (IC, pastor, helpful friend) about your pain?

And how do you put 'retired' and 'small farm' in the same sentence??? smile Maintaining a pet-free apartment is more work than I want to do....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8692537
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 6:11 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I’m proud of how hard I’ve worked in a 30 year marriage. I kept my vows. But the pictures and memories are tainted I will never view the M the same way no matter how well R is going.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8692539
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