Newest Member: zurichtime

Just Found Out :
perception vs. truth

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SpaceGhost0007 ( member #46539) posted at 10:14 PM on Saturday, April 24th, 2021

Keep a Voice Activated Recorder on you at all times. Also any letters she recently wrote.

Also you now know what a piece of crap her and her whole family is now. You dodged a big bullet. Imagine being married and finding out she’s screwing another guy. She would get angry with you and have you removed from your house with a abuse charge.

You really are lucky you found out before the wedding.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2015
id 8653707
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 8:09 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Hope things are progressing in your favour, Absolon.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4675   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8654120
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LightningCrashes ( member #70173) posted at 3:31 PM on Thursday, April 29th, 2021

Hope you are hanging in there, Absolon.

posts: 95   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2019
id 8655032
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 8:44 PM on Saturday, May 1st, 2021

One of the worst JFO stories I've read yet.

It's hard to fathom why XWF would foment false charges against you after professing her undying love only a short time before. The only explanation is fallenness - her affairs were driven by lust, entitlement and a lack of respect. Her behavior now is driven by narcissism, spite and wrath.

Really hope you are doing ok and certainly update us when you can.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49 Married: Feb. 1996 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2:

posts: 4303   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8655933
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 10:31 PM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

One of the worst JFO stories I've read yet.

Hi, Thumos, it's been a while, I hope you've been well. Could you enlighten me on JFO? I assume it's not Jedi Fallen Order.

Absolon, I know you are laying low, so continue to do so if you think this resource is compromised. I suspect you are reading this, however. I'm not asking for an answer but I'm concerned-- this isn't your wife, this is a woman you aren't married to, that you have publicly broken with, that you haven't seen physically in weeks. The only leverage I could imagine in this situation is so dire (and illegal) that I really hope it hasn't come to that.

When you feel like it is safe to talk, please update. If they are inventing charges out of whole cloth, be prepared to unleash legal hell on them.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8656672
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nutmegkitty ( member #33882) posted at 10:35 PM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

JFO = just found out

Me - happy!
2 DDs

Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.

posts: 4388   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2011   ·   location: MA
id 8656674
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 10:36 PM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

LOL, DUH... just edit that part right out, it's been a lonnnng day.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8656675
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:38 PM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

Absolon, I hope you are safe.

posts: 509   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8656701
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:05 AM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

JFO = just found out


Jedi fallen out works to though. Usually there's not much precognition for BS when they arrive her.

posts: 772   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8656744
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Tempocontour ( member #65971) posted at 3:36 AM on Sunday, May 9th, 2021

Any update? I hope you're ok.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8657952
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Banjo ( new member #76029) posted at 6:33 PM on Sunday, May 9th, 2021

Are you here with us Absolon? Hope you are doing well. It's been a while.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Dec. 21st, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8658028
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:07 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

Stay strong, Absolon.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1391   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8659051
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Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 2:30 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

We haven’t forgotten about you. Stay the course. Follow the advice of your attorney and protect yourself at all costs. Thinking about you and worried.

posts: 1060   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8659676
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 12:18 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Absolin, how are you holding up?

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 251   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8660082
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 Absolon (original poster new member #78553) posted at 9:44 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Well, it has been a draining last month.

Even though I haven’t posted on here in so long, I still don’t have the requisite energy to go blow-by-blow with all the details. Here is as abbreviated a summary as possible.

The best news is that the police ‘investigation’ didn’t last long … 11 days only. My lawyer called me in the afternoon on the first Monday in May to say that the police were dropping it and that was that.

I actually kept going to work throughout that week and a half, as it helped keep me sane. When the good news came in, it took me a few days to process everything properly. But by the end of that week I had decided that it would be great for my mental health to have a 5-day staycation – which I did by taking Monday – Wednesday off, last week.

On the Friday where that vacation began (May 7th), I was having a nice barbeque in my back yard, sipping wine, enjoying the approaching cool of the evening, when the side-gate opened and … there she was: my Ex-WF. It was … surreal to see her. It had been a while. She honestly looked like a different person. Or, to put it better: I didn’t recognize her. It was an odd yet reassuring feeling; it made me think that, perhaps, I have been moving on from her more rapidly than I understood.

She apologized for essentially breaking in but said she was desperate to speak with me in person. I felt true anger throughout the first 2/3 of the experience: first, due to the unavoidable context—that she had cheated on me and blown our lives apart; second, because she was dressed very provocatively, clearly hoping to seduce me … she also was acting very flirtatious, as though we were on our 2nd or 3rd date and about to sleep together for the first time; third, because she had violated my living space; and lastly because of what she said.

She suggested, without actually saying the precise words, that her father had forced her into it and that because he had close ties with parts of the police force, that it was all more of a ‘game’ to ‘scare’ me. But, heroically (and I am being sarcastic), when she saw the light and realized what might happen to me, she intervened and said that she had made the accusation under deep mental duress – a fugue state of sorts!

Anyway, to my credit, I was able to—very calmly—do a few things:

• I told her how much hurt and damage she had caused me, and that I would never really forgive her

• I told her that no part of me wants anything to do with her or her family ever again, and that the greatest gift she could give me was to never talk to me again

• I told her about my chat with her Ex, which enraged her (though to her credit, she contained the rage), and used it to suggest that she is a deeply broken individual who needs genuine therapeutic intervention—both to get at why she has been cheating all these years, and to find a way beyond her family’s vice-like, and deeply unhealthy, grip on her soul

To her credit, she listened to it all and apologized. She said that she now accepted that we were done and that she would leave me alone. She did part by saying that a) she had only had the one affair (!), and that b) he wasn’t as good as me in any way, blah blah, and that she felt largely coerced by him. I just shook my head sadly and watched her leave.

I enjoyed a really relaxing weekend—in the end, that experience with her had been freeing, in many ways—but then last Monday, Ex-WF sent me an email, showing a very revealing picture of her sunbathing. I did not respond. Then the next day, she sent me an even more revealing photo, accompanied by the note, ‘I know you can’t dislike these that much if you aren’t telling me to stop.’ Then the next day, around the same time as the other two emails were sent, she sent me a pretty explicit video of herself. At that point, I did respond; got very angry; told her that I would be seeking legal means to remove her from my life for the clear harassment she and her family were visiting upon me. She wrote me back later that evening, apologized, and said that she knows she needs help and would not contact me again. I haven’t heard from her since (though it has only been 5 days).

However the final piece of my update is perhaps the most complex. The OBS texted me on Friday night, apologizing for her radio silence, and we had a really nice exchange—both then and throughout Saturday. It was so nice that she ostensibly invited herself over for drinks yesterday afternoon. On the surface, she is doing her best to free herself from her husband’s deeply manipulative and poisonous hold on her. But deeper down, it is obvious to me that she is still very much in love with him and now wanting to wound him as much as she can. Whether to win him back or not, I cannot say.

To cut to the chase: we kissed. It was quite passionate. I don’t know … is it totally mangled that I was aroused by my Ex-WF’s photos and video? My libido has all but disappeared throughout this ordeal. So the odd combination of me feeling like she really is gone from my life, coupled with the appreciation of those photos … served to awaken some hibernating animal in me. I honestly could have slept with OBS, but when we realized—I think mutually, at the same time—how easily it could progress to sex, we stopped.

But she has been texting me a lot since, and is trying to set up another visit.

I know: this is not good. I think the temptations are obvious: one, I haven’t been sexual in ages and am not ready to begin dating, so this is potentially convenient; two, revenge; three, I feel as though I am one of her only ‘healthy’ supports.

I’m also wise enough to know that probably less than 5% of her behaviour is from a natural source of attraction and desire towards me, and that it is purely about unhealthy stuff towards her WH. And I also know that if I did enter into a sexual relationship with her, it would heighten the probability of my Ex-WF re-entering the scene, but in an even more demented and obsessive key.

Anyway that is my whole update. In reality, it is not as … ‘colourful’ (to borrow from a guide here who seems unhealthily obsessed with the fact that I am exaggerating my story) an update as many of my others, perhaps. Overall, I feel I am moving on, in a better place, have resisted the siren-song of my Ex-WF, and feel less damaged and broken than I did upon learning about the betrayal.

But I also do know I am damaged—witness my decision to kiss the OBS—and will continue receiving counselling.

Finally – it was comforting to check in from time to time and to see people’s support and care. Such a wonderful place, this is.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2021
id 8660285
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:09 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I know: this is not good. I think the temptations are obvious: one, I haven’t been sexual in ages and am not ready to begin dating, so this is potentially convenient; two, revenge; three, I feel as though I am one of her only ‘healthy’ supports.

To be frank, it's already unhealthy support now that you have kissed and she may be seeking an RA. To be completely fair, many would consider the elicit kiss by itself enough to say an RA has already transpired, if only a very small one. You'd be wise to re-establish very clear boundaries with her (happy to give her any information or direct her to other resources but no longer be there for her emotionally) and not meet again in person.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1391   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8660286
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:10 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Your poor x muffin. Nothing was her fault.

No change just more of the same.

Block her on everything.

Have your attorney look into compensation for damages this caused you.

posts: 6694   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660287
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jujuchrist ( new member #78594) posted at 10:32 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Hi Absolon,

Your story and this last ending made me think of another story I read on a French forum.

I think of it because you and this Frenchman seem to share common values (a certain moral solidity I would say).

There are some interesting similarities.

Also...the end of the story might surprise you :)

I'll put you the link if you want to read it (hoping it's OK for moderation). If you need a translator, deepl does a good job.

Here it is : (No Soliciting)

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:44 PM, May 17th (Monday)]

Julien

posts: 41   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Marseille, France
id 8660290
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 10:35 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Do not get involved with the OBS. Danger, danger. I doubt, at this point, if you could maintain an arms-length relationship with her. She desperately needs a good IC who can help extricate her from her marriage. You are not that person. Take care of yourself and avoid destructive entanglements.

posts: 431   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8660291
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 12:30 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

he suggested, without actually saying the precise words, that her father had forced her into it and that because he had close ties with parts of the police force, that it was all more of a ‘game’ to ‘scare’ me. But, heroically (and I am being sarcastic), when she saw the light and realized what might happen to me, she intervened and said that she had made the accusation under deep mental duress – a fugue state of sorts!

Wow... so it was a game to scare you? What a sick woman...After all she has done to you. After that talk where you went over everything with her. The affair, the lies to bridal party, the police report... she still sent you pictures?

I think you are going to need to break things off with OBS. Let her know that you are both in very fragile positions and that a relationship right now would not be healthy. I wouldn't meet face to face with her anymore.

I also worry about you seeing your exwf face to face. She's crazy and doesn't seem to understand that things are truly over. Save those emails and pictures you might need them if she accuses you of herassment again.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8660313
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