Newest Member: Chickenhawk

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

default

 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 9:51 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Robert22205https, yes agreed that's what I am working on.

BlueRas, not sure where she is at with her worthless counselor? I have really not talked to her since Thursday night. If she wants to talk to me I will listen. Currently we have only made small talk about the kids & our schedules. That's it, I have my own bedroom and she has hers and we are staying away from each other. She is out of school for summer but just started a part time job for the summer. I am sure it's just another way to hide and not face reality for her. This is another new thing, she has never had a summer job in all of our years together. Maybe she thinks she will need extra income for her new life, I have no idea...

posts: 100   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8662879
default

BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 10:01 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

CM70,

When you talk to your lawyer you should mention the part-time job. Might help with structuring a better settlement in your favor.

She seems to have completely checked out. I feel sorry for you and her. You didn't deserve this and she is going to regret her poor choices. Keep your chin up and get the divorce started so you can have some peace.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 4:04 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)]

posts: 233   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8662883
default

WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 10:29 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

CM70 I do agree that it is time the both of you start talking about the separation/divorce process. I don't think this staying in limbo living mostly separate lives as you seem to be doing now is healthy for either of you. Or your family either.

I mean, how are things going to get better otherwise?

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:35 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)]

posts: 307   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8662889
default

BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 8:48 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

CM

If she wants to talk to me I will listen.

Just curious, listen to what.??? More horse shit about why she is leaving her wedding ring off while going out partying, probably with the friends who tipped her off on the VAR and have encouraged everything she has done. Can you think of what reasons a married woman would purposely go out partying until the early hours of the morning purposely and repeatedly leaving her wedding ring at home. ????

Her actions show nothing but being checked out of the marriage and in 22 pages you have been told I am sure that her actions are what counts not her words.

She probably has not seen an attorney. Taking another job and increasing her income before a divorce certainly would not help her in a settlement I would think but I am not an attorney. My guess is the part time job gets her away from your being able to even observe her and interact with her.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 479   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8663117
default

 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 6:04 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

So we finally talked again last night and we pretty much agreed to much damage had been done to the marriage. She would not do the work that needed to be done so I told her she did not follow our boundaries and the items I needed to see to stay. She is just a very selfish self absorbed person that wants to act like she is single again. So I will do my best to be the strong and sane parent moving forward with D. Thanks for everyone's support here it has been invaluable.

posts: 100   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8663503
default

gemini12 ( new member #78670) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

CM70,

Sounds like you are finally seeing the light.

You deserve better.

Stay focused and get your attorney started on the paperwork.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8663517
default

asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 6:49 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

CM70, sorry your M has ended like this. You deserve better, and you’ll probably be surprised how easy it is to find better.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 376   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8663525
default

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 6:59 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

She is just a very selfish self absorbed person that wants to act like she is single again.

And when you see this, it will make you stronger. She's the broken, weak one. You're the strong one. Use that strength and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Consider yourself fortunate that you're seeing it now, your eyes are opened, and you won't waste any more time in a false reconciliation attempt.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4341   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8663532
default

Justaguy61 ( new member #75431) posted at 7:04 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

I was very surprised that after all the "trying" she had done... she then resumed her "girls nights out" and without her ring FFS. She likely has many secrets she did not confess. All things considered this is for the best.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8663534
default

BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 7:35 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

CM70,

I'm very sorry to hear your marriage ie ending. I was hoping you both could work through this but it all depended on your wife's resolve to own her choices and fix what was wrong in the first place. Unfortunately, she is just too self absorbed. You did not deserve this, especially with all the other issues you were facing last year.

Keep us posted. I'm sure your experience will help others in similar circumstances.

Good luck!

posts: 233   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8663553
default

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 7:49 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

One other thing to consider here is that as your WW embarks on this "looking for Mr. Goodbar" routine, she's likely to come up against a bracing reality vs. fantasy experience, especially as she grows ever closer to the well-documented years of menopausal invisibility.

This is just right over the horizon for her. She may go through a few cycles of being pumped and dumped before it sinks in with her, likely with a gnawing sense of emptiness that grows into a dawning horror.

I don't say this to be cruel; plenty of women have written about this experience and some have even welcomed it. Your WW is not one of those self-aware individuals.

The crash for her is likely to be a hard one, and frankly I just don't think you want to be around when that happens.

By contrast, most middle aged men who've taken care of themselves tend to have a better experience as single men. Again, not saying this to set off a war of the sexes; just stating what most of us know. When you're ready, it's unlikely you'll be lacking for options among high-quality women who would never do something like this to you.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4341   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8663559
default

BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 8:54 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

CM70,

Not sure when you plan to speak to your kids, but recall what you wrote this last January

I basically tell her I don't feel she is being honest in this process (surprise!) and she is just not on board. I tell her let's talk about if this does not work out, which get's her immediately defensive. I tell her no there is a good chance that his not going to work. I go on to say that we would sell the house & she would need to figure out where she will go, & splitting the kids time 50/50. I tell her if we go D I want it to be amicable and not ugly which she agrees. Then she drops this little nugget, well I don't think we should tell the kids about he affair as their friends will talk about them & their cheating Mom. I let it go, but the reality in that statement is she is worried about her reputation and it has nothing to do with the kids. Yes this is a mess and really took a shift last night for me, she is definitely not "R" material at this point and it is looking much more like a D. The scariest thing about all of this, is you think you know a person after being with them for 23 years but she is not the person that I trusted with my life. I will keep grinding but it is looking pretty bleak at this point.

I am sure she'll be trying to protect her reputation and blame the marriage for the divorce. So, do you plan to speak to the kids apart from your wife (to give them the absolute truth) or do you plan to speak to them jointly? If you speak jointly, be prepared for deflection and reputation protection...

posts: 233   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8663583
default

 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 10:31 PM on Saturday, May 29th, 2021

BlueRas my plan is to talk together and tell them at their level that Mom had a boyfriend/affair & I found out. Tell them we tried to make it work but we couldn't. If she tries to deflect I will be talking with them myself. Funny story ran into the AP last night at the bar. I was staring at him accross the bar he eventually looked my way & turned pale & was looking for the exit which I was waiting by. He tried to exit & I yelled his name & he stops at the door & turns around & actually came up to me. I said do you know who I am? He says yes you're Blank, & actually tried to shake my hand! I just said get the F out of my face & he made skid marks out the exit. I so wanted to hit him but it's just not worth it. The funny part I was texting the WW & sent a picture of him accross the bar & told her what a p_ssy he was. I rather enjoyed that.

[This message edited by CM70 at 4:38 PM, May 29th (Saturday)]

posts: 100   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8663800
default

Stinger ( member #74090) posted at 10:56 PM on Saturday, May 29th, 2021

Two things:

First, I agree that she probably has no idea of her market value in the dating game. At her age, she is in for a ride awakening.

Second, never get into it with her boyfriend. Co yo ld get you in trouble, but, more importantly, doing so strikes your narcissist wife's ego.

You should thank him for giving you an out that folks will understand.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8663806
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 11:06 PM on Saturday, May 29th, 2021

Hopeful you’ll get clarity now and get out of the fog you’ve been in.

180!!!! Talking to her more will be a waste of your time and energy.

posts: 6712   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8663808
default

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 3:18 AM on Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Tell them we tried to make it work but we couldn't.

I guess you forgot to tell us that she tried.

No, she did nothing, you were the only one trying desperately and waiting for her to try.

"Mom had a boyfriend/affair & I found out and she didn't want to fix." would be more correct.

As Stinger said you should avoid doing things that will stroke your WW's ego and equate yourself with AP. Actually, she may not even care about the AP anymore. Judging by her recent acts she may want to live a single life that includes other men.

Just do hard 180 and get rid of her ASAP.

posts: 520   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8663833
default

ramius ( member #44750) posted at 4:23 AM on Sunday, May 30th, 2021

I just said get the F out of my face & he made skid marks out the exit. I so wanted to hit him but it's just not worth it. The funny part I was texting the WW & sent a picture of him accross the bar & told her what a p_ssy he was.

Well soon she will be free to claim this P_ssy/D-bag as her prize. Her KISA, the only one who she said “gets her.”

And all it cost her was her marriage, the stability of her kids lives, and her reputation.

I hope she doesn’t give out investment advice for a living.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1609   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8663838
default

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 4:08 AM on Monday, May 31st, 2021

Respect to you. Tell the children the truth age ally of course but not sugar coating their mothers actions. She has to be held accountable for her conscious decisions.

One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1203   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8663991
default

 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 1:57 PM on Monday, June 7th, 2021

Morning Everyone,

I am still moving towards D, it looks like my WW finally told her biological Dad. I am not sure what she told him & I don't really care. He is a good guy even with all his issues, which his daughter picked up a lot of. I have completely grey rocked my wife & just talk to her as little as possible. We still have not talked to the kids but that is coming soon. I received a text from her Step Dad, saying your WW & Sister are coming by on Tuesday to talk to your Mother & I. I am sure she is going to tell the them we are Divorcing (which they already know) and try to get them back in her camp. My WW had cut off all communication with her Mom a couple weeks ago since she did not agree with my WW's agenda.

I had paperwork drawn up months ago, but I have since found a pitbull of an Attorney so I have a call with him this week to discuss my situation. Had a good weekend with my friends and went out a couple of times & have really started looking seriously at a smaller house to purchase for the kids & I.

posts: 100   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8665539
default

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:59 PM on Monday, June 7th, 2021

Thanks for checking in. You've been very patient with her and unfortunately she didn't respond.

If anything it sounds like your WW has doubled down and is more determined to live like a single person.

Be very careful in dealing with the sister. She's not a friend to marriage, you or your kids. Be alert to her constantly reinforcing a different story to your kids behind your back (and driving a wedge, prioritizing selfish behavior over family, and validating adultery).

I recall your WW's early conversations with her sister (after being exposed) and that the sister's response was sympathetic (rather than kick her in the butt).

posts: 2422   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8665557
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20211022 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy