It's been more than a month since I got my medical diagnosis. I had to do some additional diagnostics first. Even though it’s invasive, the doctors assured me everything will be fine, it’s a routine procedure for them, and I’m in good hands. I resisted the urge to tell them they have no idea with whom they are dealing with. My husband jokes that my Borg designation would be Nine of Ten – because that’s how many side effects I usually experience Anyway, I’m thankful the procedure itself went well, it was very uncomfortable, but it didn’t hurt much, and the doctors got some very nice pictures.
The next day I was discharged from the hospital, and everything seemed fine, just a little pain and bruising around the incision area. Few days later the problems started, and I was back in the hospital. Before the procedure, I got a huge list of "what could go wrong", with a note that the chances are very small. Well, the pain started to get worse, my small hematoma started to expand, and there was an additional complication that wasn’t even on the list. In fact, several specialists looked at it and had no idea what to do about it. Basically, they had never seen that happening before. One of them said it is possible that happened because I’m slim, that is, there was not enough subcutaneous fat to "hold things in place". Talking about an ego boost They decided to keep me in the hospital to monitor, and to give me some intravenous medication. Then I had a pretty strong reaction to the medication, and my veins did not want to cooperate with the intravenous catheter, so at one point I had my arms pierced at four different spots.
I’m thankful I’m home now, and it seems the things are finally starting to heal and get better. Oh, and I went through all that torture just to hear there’s not much we can do to treat my primary health issue. That is, the surgery is too risky, and it wouldn’t help with my symptoms. Thankfully, the thing seems stable enough for me to live my life more or less normally for now. We’re gonna monitor it regularly (next MRI is in 4 months), and that’s it. I’m gonna ask for a second opinion as soon as I get my medical data from the hospital, but I feel relief, and I’m very much thankful I don’t have to go through a serious surgery now. I can handle the symptoms, and learn to live with them, I will adapt.
In a way, all of this is very similar to reconciliation. After getting a serious diagnosis (DDay), you go through additional checks to decide what to do. Complications are always possible (additional lies, trickle-truth, new DDays, unremorseful spouse, triggers…) It’s a torture. Drastic measure (surgery / divorce) is not always an option, it is risky and possibly not beneficial. In the end, you treat the wound the best you can, but the primary thing (the fact of the betrayal) stays with you. Like a thing in my head. It is stable enough so that I can live my life normally. I don’t like it, I wish it’s not there, I hate this is my new reality, but I can deny it the power to define me. And I can adapt to the symptoms. This is something my second opinion (SI) taught me, especially Want2BHappyAgain – you don’t have to accept, but you can surely adapt!
Want2BHappyAgain, I also very much enjoy your positivity and analogies. Sometimes when I read your posts, I think to myself "this lady is nuts!" But, you know, a good kind of nuts You remind me of me before the shit started, and you help me to find myself again.
Tanner, I’m an organized hoarder. (I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be ) Nevertheless, more and more I find myself willing to get rid of the unnecessary crap. Just the other day I threw away a bunch of old, broken jewelry that I’d never wear again anyway. It felt good. It’s gonna take time, but I’m planning to declutter and get rid of unnecessary stuff in my environment.
Oldwounds Thank you for kind wishes, I hope your vacation went well, and your wife and you had a wonderful time!
[This message edited by Hannah47 at 3:22 PM, Thursday, April 20th]