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Reconciliation :
Thankful Thursday

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Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 7:33 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

I'm thankful that my mom is still alive. She’s the only person that hugged me on my b-day this week. She also made me a cake. It means a lot because, except that, it was the worst b-day I’ve ever had.

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."

posts: 363   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8779297
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 8:08 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

I'm thankful that my mom is still alive. She’s the only person that hugged me on my b-day this week. She also made me a cake. It means a lot because, except that, it was the worst b-day I’ve ever had.

Aww, I’m sorry it was the worst Birthday, I glad you have your Mom. I had a Birthday recently too.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3302   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8779301
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Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 8:57 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

Thank you, Tanner! It's one of those situations when you think it can't get any worse. And then the Universe gives you a giant middle finger, and shows you it can get worse. I'm gonna go reverse psychology on this. From now on, I'm adopting a stance "It cannot get better". How about that, dear Universe?!!

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."

posts: 363   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8779309
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 9:21 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

From now on, I'm adopting a stance "It cannot get better". How about that, dear Universe?!!

I get it, sometimes it’s best to give the middle finger back, just don’t stay there too long. Are you dealing with something new or just the rigors of healing from infidelity?

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3302   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8779315
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 9:55 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

Hannah47...I'm thankful that you are seeing something to be thankful for despite having a really bad birthday (((HUGS))). It hurts my heart to read what you wrote...you deserve so much BETTER. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to you!!!

Moms are really special.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6566   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8779322
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Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 10:13 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

Are you dealing with something new or just the rigors of healing from infidelity?

The rigors of healing. A part of that healing was to celebrate my B-day properly, as that’s something I haven’t done since more than a decade ago. We were going to dress up, go out, have some drinks, dance… It was also about dealing with some of the betrayal shit / owning some triggers / reclaiming stuff. Then I got hit by some other triggers, and my husband didn’t support me like I need. Which only made it worse. And then I got quite sick just a day before B-day. Which is just stupid as I haven’t been this sick for at least 5 years. So, I spent my B-day in bed, and I missed the opportunity to reclaim some stuff. They are location-specific, so I won’t have another chance to do so any time soon. I’ve been trying to reclaim that for 4-5 years already. I really thought nothing will prevent me this time. I also feel my husband isn’t providing the support I need.

So, it was really good to hug my Mom on my B-day. Especially since the last time I did that was 6 years ago, 1 month before DDay (we live in a different country, and we usually visit family for holidays only).

Thank you, Want2BHappyAgain! Yep, moms are amazing!

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."

posts: 363   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8779326
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 3:23 AM on Saturday, February 25th, 2023

We are here to help you, W2BHA was a God send for me and Mrs Tanner. If you have a specific issue don’t hesitate to let the great people here help you.

I had a major trigger recently I’m considering sharing, just need to pick myself off the floor first 😮

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3302   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8779346
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:56 PM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

HAPPY Thankful Thursday everyone!!!

Hannah47...I hope you are feeling better now and are able to get out of bed (((HUGS)))!!

Tanner...I hope that trigger didn't last long Coozann!!

I started mowing the grass again this week. It gives me exercise and time to do my FAVORITE thing...talk to God! The clover had grown so BIG in some spots...and it took a little more effort to mow through those suckers!! But after it was all said and done...my yard looked so PRETTY!! I know that the rest of the time spent on mowing will be MUCH easier too.

My legs are still sore from all of that walking! I have to admit that I have short legs...but they have supported me all my life...LOL!!! That is my woeful try at humor...in honor of Notthevictem...who really TRIED helping me with it!!

Anyway...my path to R is much like mowing the grass. It was LONG...HARD...and I came across several issues that required more effort. There was PAIN involved...and it left some aches happening during the healing process. But WOW...what has come out of all of that is truly something BEAUTIFUL!! It was definitely worth ALL of the effort that WE put into it!!

TODAY...I am THANKFUL that I stayed and worked on R. I wasn't sure how it would turn out. It sure didn't work out in my 1st M...when I caught my H cheating AGAIN after we had supposedly been in R for about 2 years. The 2 year mark in R on my 2nd M came and went...and we were still together.

The 5 year mark came and went. The adultery co-conspirator told my H that in 5 years her special needs son would be put in an institution and then she would be free to come to the United States. I would be lying if I said I didn't think that my H was just humoring me until the adultery co-conspirator could come over...then he would leave her for me. But that didn't happen either...and we stayed together.

It is now almost 9 years since we started working on R...and we are still together....and THRIVING despite his A. And for THAT...I am so very THANKFUL!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6566   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8780270
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:25 PM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

I hope that trigger didn't last long Coozann!!

No not really, it was almost funny because I think the trigger gods are screwing with me. There is always something to be learned from a trigger, but this one was a matter of life and death, I will share soon.

I'm thankful for being a week away from our 32nd wedding anniversary. I have no stress about it, I'm actually looking forward to it. We have a big beautiful family, a great example of how two became many.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3302   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8780291
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 5:58 PM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

I'm thankful for being a week away from our 32nd wedding anniversary. I have no stress about it, I'm actually looking forward to it.

I don't think I'll ever celebrate our anniversary again. My wife's AP was in the wedding, as best man, so I don't think I will ever sit with WW and be ok with that day being a happy day.

But if I ever did get there, I'd also be thankful. As it is, I'm just thankful that the wife and life I have today, in this moment is healthy and happy.

[This message edited by Wiseoldfool at 5:59 PM, Thursday, March 2nd]

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 330   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8780306
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 7:19 PM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

I don't think I'll ever celebrate our anniversary again. My wife's AP was in the wedding, as best man, so I don't think I will ever sit with WW and be ok with that day being a happy day.

I cannot imagine the double betrayal, infidelity is tough to recover from, but I cannot wrap my head around it being a friend.

If there is something to be thankful for it’s that I never met AP and he was a stranger. He never came to our house or rode in her car. So those type of triggers are minimal.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3302   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8780322
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Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 3:32 AM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Want2BHappyAgain, I do feel better now, thank you! I like your post. I also like to think about weird stuff, such as, if reconciliation was a physical object how would it smell? Thanks to you, now I have an answer – it would smell like a mowed grass!

Tanner, 32, wow, congratulations! I hope I’ll get to that number one day!

Wiseoldfool, that is something I struggle with – that life is happening now, in this moment. I still too often live in the past and fear the future. Instead of enjoying this moment.

We got married after the betrayal. I won’t go into details, but the OW almost ended up as a +1 at our wedding! That was one of giant middle fingers the Universe regularly gives me. I am so so thankful our guest couldn’t attend (he canceled just a few weeks before the big day). So, we didn’t have to uninvite him, or explain that he can’t bring her as a +1, or look at her stupid face at our wedding. The last was never an option, but I do admit, in a perverse sense, back then I thought it would bring me some pleasure if she had witnessed it. Yep, he’s mine, biatch! laugh Jokes aside, I’m thankful everything turned out well for us that day. It is and always will be one of the best days of my life. That's also something to be thankful for - that there are things that cannot be ruined, no matter what.

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."

posts: 363   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8780419
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 3:52 AM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

I still too often live in the past and fear the future. Instead of enjoying this moment.

Hannah there is a phase in R where you catch yourself enjoying a moment with your WS, and immediately think "wait you cheated on me" and then feel guilt and shame for enjoying the moment. I’m not sure if that’s what it is, but it is a normal phase.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3302   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8780426
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Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 10:03 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

Today I choose to be grateful for things that are easy to take for granted. Just some examples...

The air that I breathe is clean. I have high quality running hot/cold water. I have electricity, heating, a bed, and a roof over my head. I eat well. I'm healthy, and if there's an issue I have a great health care (I had a dental surgery this week. It was painless, it went well. I got antibiotics and painkillers, no problem).

Also, my cat is purring next to me.

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."

posts: 363   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8781430
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Uxoragain ( new member #83025) posted at 10:27 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

I am so thankful for a sweet beautiful message and memory from one of our kids, who lives far far away now.

It brought a memory from one of the best of times in our family life roaring back.

It reminded me of what good good people our kids have become, that the good memories of our family life far outweigh the bad, and that every moment we had to fight for our marriage and family life has been absolutely worth it.

One simple unsolicited message and my heart is glowing with gratitude for our blessings.

Me: Mrs. Uxor, BW, 50's

Mr Uxor, WH, 50's

DDay Summer 2013

Currently Married almost 30 years.Reconciled but working on ripples so we stay that way.

I was here before - read about it in my story.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2023   ·   location: here
id 8781432
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:56 AM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

You are so right Hannah47...those common...every day things we take for granted...someone somewhere is praying for. I often write that my H's A is the worst thing that has happened to me...but it isn't the worst thing that COULD happen to me. It's all about perspective...and being grateful can sure put the positive perspective front and center!!

Uxoragain...welcome back!! Your inspirational posts have been sorely missed...thanks for honoring us with your presence again!!!

I absolutely LOVE hearing from our adult children and watching how they have become GOOD people too!!

I have been spending this past week with one of my grandchildren before they start school in the fall. Time sure FLIES...especially when I am so far away and can't see them every day.

Sometime today I realized that it was 9 years ago today that my H and I started on our adventure to the Netherlands. I ended up having to leave early due to a family emergency. This left my H all alone...and able to search for a stranger to have NSA sex with.

Today...my H is all alone at our house...and I have NO qualms about it at all! My GUT is calm...and my heart is so FULL!!

I remember how I used to DREAD this day...because it started the countdown to when my world as I knew it was nuked. I then would relive EVERY DAY from the day my H first met the adultery co-conspirator...to Dday...on July 19th. LOL...as I was typing my Dday...I actually had to think about it...I couldn't remember...WOW!!!

I am THANKFUL for this day now. It was a beautiful day that will leave me with memories to CHERISH from now on!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6566   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8781453
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Uxoragain ( new member #83025) posted at 1:31 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

@Want2bHappyAgain,

Very good to see you again too.

I think you just mentioned a pivotal part of healing.

It was a long time into reconciliation, when Mr Uxor and I had to sleep in different places, that my brain didn’t do the trigger dance of "what if he…."

Mine are not the same reasons, but because they had been trying to plot a work getaway right when I began to add up what I was seeing.

And because of the phone records of hundreds of texts and facetimes while I slept and Mr Uxor would say he couldn’t sleep and was going to go "read".

(Note: We never slept in separate places. And he does struggle with insomnia, so we did have to strategize a softly lit reading corner in our room for him for our healing.)

But life does sometimes have us have no choice but to stay in separate places for work and extended family situations.

I remember hating myself. I had never been needy, insecure or controlling about something like this. It felt like living in someone else’s skin to need to know where he was, to see phone records. To be able to randomly FaceTime to see he was alone.

Did I hate that he had brought this into our marriage? YES!

But the truth was that I hated the deeply wounded and emotionally bleeding part of my self-stability even more.

Weirdly, over the years I have discovered it is Mr Uxor who has always hated being and sleeping alone.

It was actually his insecurities that made him hate those empty insomnia hours or if I left for work trainings or to help aging parents.

I don’t look down on him for this. It is how he feels.

But I found as I healed through my IC over the years, I began to regain some of who I was.

I can get glitchy if I am just worn out, tired, meno-hormonally-wibble-wobbly or if the stars align too many triggers.

But overall my comfort with just me and separate from Mr Uxor is mostly restored.

He is the one with a greater need that we call and connect. That I know he was in the reading chair and visit on what was keeping his brain awake and on overdrive.

My happiness has these balanced thoughts. "He may slide to coping with his empty moments with someone else or sex again. But his coping skills are not my responsibly. It is on me to not damage his coping skills. It is also good that I feel my own comfort with my automomy returning. "

In other words, my joy is returning with the return of myself. While I do not have to fix his challenges. I can support his good strategies to deal with them. But I am free to not own responsibility if he chooses to cope poorly.

You described the long game of healing above. I hope it helps motivate both waywards and betrayed toward healing, transparency, good coping strategies, and a willingness to hit the reset button when they drift from healing before they get too far back out into the ocean of self destruction.

There is so much more happiness at the shoreline of healing.

Me: Mrs. Uxor, BW, 50's

Mr Uxor, WH, 50's

DDay Summer 2013

Currently Married almost 30 years.Reconciled but working on ripples so we stay that way.

I was here before - read about it in my story.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2023   ·   location: here
id 8781480
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 2:40 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

There is so much more happiness at the shoreline of healing.

Very well said! In the beginning of my journey out of infidelity hell...I pictured myself in the middle of an ocean...not knowing which way to turn to get to shore. I knew I HAD to move...but which direction? Everything was black...I didn't know which way would bring me closer to shore...or bring me farther out.

Thank God I decided to just SWIM!! I had to retrace my path at times...or go in a different direction at other times. But staying in limbo was NOT an option!

Healing took longer for me than average...about 7 years. But it feels soooo GOOD!!!

I love how you write Dear Lady!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6566   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8781534
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Uxoragain ( new member #83025) posted at 2:52 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

Love your writing too. Please forgive if I need to always fix errors. (Often working from my phone. Lol. So many cringe moments when my not-so young eyes see a bigger picture of what I do on a computer screen every couple of days!)

That ocean description is so accurate!

I am so glad you swam too. This site was waiting at the healing shore, and you are a gift to us.

Me: Mrs. Uxor, BW, 50's

Mr Uxor, WH, 50's

DDay Summer 2013

Currently Married almost 30 years.Reconciled but working on ripples so we stay that way.

I was here before - read about it in my story.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2023   ·   location: here
id 8781541
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:31 AM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

Sorry, I need a Friday exemption. Full disclosure, we celebrated our anniversary Wednesday and they had dollar beer. I do not PWI, post while intoxicated.

I’m thankful for not being triggered by the antiversary of 3.5 years of Dday or our wedding anniversary.

Cuz I added to the PRS, you know I have struggled with the timing, I haven’t felt right about it until now. I’m not going rush or bullshit my way through R.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3302   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8781686
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