GMC, I've only ever read those disclosure guidelines in my post DDay research, because XH never admitted to or sought treatment for his sex addiction while we were together. I know I personally would need ALL of it. And I wouldn't give a flying fuck who told me I didn't need it, I needed it. There's a reason I did so much research in the aftermath. My instincts kicked in, and I knew what I needed to calm down.
We had a bit of a fight about it a few weeks ago in which he said that he showed his "timeline" to his CSAT who thought it was OK. In the moment, I just let it go (things were already heated enough), but it's been bugging me, as
(a) months ago he said he's not been working on the timeline/disclosure w/his CSAT bc they have been "focusing on other things" (of course, he would NEVER tell me what those "other things" are, cuz everything in his head just MUST be a secret)
Ok, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and pretend like they really have been "working on other things" during this time and not focusing on a timeline. That means that if he has created a timeline all of a sudden, it must be pretty half-assed.
The women I know in S-Anon who finally did get full disclosures waited months for their spouses to create the timelines and go over them with their CSATs. To ensure as much accuracy as possible.
The flip side of this is that he could have been telling you that he hasn't been doing the timeline as a way of not having to talk about it while he's doing it (again, that secrecy/shame bullshit). And now all of a sudden he's "ready to give you a timeline." I have a feeling this is more likely the case, as any trained CSAT should not be taking a disclosure/timeline lightly. I would imagine it would take many sessions to get a full timeline sussed out. Hell, I've been in weekly therapy for nearly 2 years and we just barely touched on my cheating ex BF from college about a month ago, it took that long to go through FOO stuff.
If I were you I would be interested to speak to the CSAT myself and ask them when they began creating the timeline. Either they started it a while ago, and he's been lying to you about them working on it in order to avoid the feel-bads about how you would feel about it. Or they've just started working on it recently and she has supposedly said it's "enough," at which point you might say, F that CSAT, she's clearly not qualified.
and (b) if his CSAT is the arbiter of what's "good enough" then he should marry his fucking CSAT... OK, on a calmer note, the concept that the BS has zero say in what's sufficient is kind of bullshite to me.
Yeah, here is where I landed with this stuff. We are all autonomous human beings, and we all get to decide what we talk about, how we talk about it etc. Just because they're a WS doesn't mean they lose that right. BUT, you also have the right to determine what you tolerate in a partner. If he believes that what's "good enough" for the CSAT should be "good enough" for you, and you don't agree? Then HE not good enough for YOU!
To me this seems like using the CSAT to triangulate... like jeez, GMC, CSAT says it's fine, why are you so difficult? And guess what, people only triangulate when they know there isn't enough to support their claim and they need that other person thrown in there as "back up." It is something that people mired in shame do.
My X used to do this with our daughters. Whenever everything was good and happy, we were a family, a unit, everything was "we" meaning all 4 of us. Whenever I called him on something, SA related or not, it became "we" (meaning the 3 of them) vs. me. The girls weren't even actually part of it, I've learned since that they hated being pulled into the middle of stupid crap like this, but it does a number on you when someone tries to pull this shit. In my weaker moments I would worry that I was in the wrong, because obviously if 3 people feel one way and I'm the only one feeling the opposite, then I must be the odd man out, my feelings must not be valid.
I can imagine that it's even worse when there is a CSAT involved because they're supposed to be a "professional." And if my gut is right, I would bet that he wields the fact that she's the "professional" as a weapon to make you feel like you're the one in the wrong.
The truth of the matter is, only you can define your boundaries. If you need to know, you need to know. And if he won't give you the info you need to know, then he's choosing protecting that info over a relationship with you. And that says everything about him, and nothing about you.
[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 3:45 PM, December 31st (Thursday)]