Newest Member: Chickenhawk

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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tbkjcn ( member #44744) posted at 7:42 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

When I lived in the city I had a tool to turn off the water at the meter for just that reason.

In retrospect, the plumbers who told me that you needed a special tool that only the water company posses to turn off the water at the meter still makes me shake my head. Yeah... special tool... It's a three-foot pole with a pair of prongs on the end....

Your experience reminded me of why I moved to a condo.

Yeah, but after living in an apartment for 13 years, I still appreciate not living below a gymnastics team laugh

I'm really sorry for your losses, especially the irreplaceable mementoes.

And that's what I'm still sad about. I had saved all my stuff from the years I spent working at Philmont, crew rosters, photos, the notes the Ranger staff would leave to each other in the different camps, all that stuff.... 90% got wiped out. But, as they say, it's only "stuff".

Do you have any vacation to shorten the 30 days?

I have almost 8 weeks banked, due to not taking any vacation at all last year. You know, pandemic and all. I do look forward to that getting paid out though laugh

30 days notice sound excessive. Man, I hate to think about the effects of having a staff member who has resigned stick around for that long.

And while it is very common for an IT staff to be escorted straight to the door on giving notice, as the department lead, I feel obligated to give them the option. They spent three months looking before they hired me. I will give them the option, but I'm not taking bets either way if they accept it or I get escorted to the door and told my personal effects will be mailed to me.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 7:42 PM, Monday, August 9th]

Me: BH 49 (then)
Her: WW 48 (then)
D-Day 8-30-14 3 yr LTA and 1 ONS (9-1-14 the rest of the story, she can't remember how many men)
Divorce filed 1/14/15, final 4/7/15
Married 23 years together 28

posts: 662   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: IL
id 8682422
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tbkjcn ( member #44744) posted at 12:06 AM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Well, in case anyone was hanging on the edge of their seat the last week, multiple interviews were completed, an offer was made, negotiations were concluded (if you want to call it negotiations -- the HR person was only familiar with the answer "No", it was not fun...), I passed the background check, the credit check and the pee test (really glad I've been really busy the last couple months on the weekends shocked ) and a written agreement is supposedly coming Monday. My last day at the current job is the 10th and I start the new job on the 20th. They matched my salary, agreed to give me the 7 work-days I need for my December trip (assuming that happens), and I get my credit back for the 15 years I already put in after 2 years (hello, four weeks of vacation!).

According to my informants, for the last week or more, the manager has been telling everyone everywhere multiple times that I will be returning.....

The only question remaining is what I will do with the 10 days I have between jobs... I'm getting paid out almost 9 weeks of accumulated vacation (thanks, Covid mad ) thinking about a road trip, but I don't have a destination....

Me: BH 49 (then)
Her: WW 48 (then)
D-Day 8-30-14 3 yr LTA and 1 ONS (9-1-14 the rest of the story, she can't remember how many men)
Divorce filed 1/14/15, final 4/7/15
Married 23 years together 28

posts: 662   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: IL
id 8684641
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foundoutlater ( member #32900) posted at 2:33 AM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

Congrats tbkjcn. A road trip to anywhere just to get out would suit me. Hope you figure out something.

Been awhile since I've been here. I've been OK - up and down with some health issues, all the goings on in the world and my professional life. I have avoided SI for awhile because of some PTSD like symptoms I need to work through and I have trouble not getting sucked in others all to real devastating drama that brings us here. If I can ever get past that I'll check in more often. At the moment I really don't feel like I can offer sound advice either. Today though I needed somewhere to just get something out in writing and this is the only place I feel some safety and people can relate.

Found out today my way to young son (of legal age +) has been involved with an older married women for a few months I believe. He is unemployed and I've been supporting him. He has failed to launch, or at least is slow to launch - hard to know with how the world has gone the last year ++.

Usual story from the cheater about the marriage but her social media indicates otherwise. I just hope I can keep my baggage off the table while I parent him through this. Always difficult, but I have boundaries. His mother of all people figured it out and talked to him. She let him know it is not acceptable (think of the kids she said) and he will not be supported if he continues. I think he has ended it. I wish she would have talked with me first. I would have liked her to take a different tact and leave the support out of it in the beginning. I would have liked him to wrestle with the moral issues and come to the decision for the right reasons and not self preservation. I think it all has bothered him for awhile but unfortunately not enough. The threat of his lost support gave him the "courage" to end it.

He will get my love, but not support if he continues. God I feel for the BS and the kids. I was hesitant about posting here because of my PTSD and I know how heated many get about this. I have been and am in the same boat - this is like reopening some wounds and pouring salt on them. Just needed to put it out there in words.

Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

posts: 1407   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2011
id 8684753
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 12:03 AM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

So sorry, foundout. That can really tear you up with torn feelings after what you've been through. I certainly understand the return of the PTSD when confronted with it. I have no advice other than care for yourself. If you have a trusted IC trained in dealing with PTSD treatment techniques I would recommend a few sessions. So sorry.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4679   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8685239
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 6:51 AM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

tbkjcn, congratulations on the new job. You could go on a Menz tour, but probably not quite the same given how few have posted lately.

foundoutlater, wow! I almost feel I would disown my kids if they did something like that. Not really, but damn that is some bad juju. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that from your son.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8685286
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Ascendant ( member #38303) posted at 5:21 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Haven't been around in quite some time, but it looks as though this thread is going through one of it's slow periods, huh? Hope any guys here (or even lurkers!) are getting the help they need.

posts: 5187   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2013   ·   location: North of Chicago, Illinois
id 8688163
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 6:27 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Yes, as of late it's certainly not the Menz thread it used to be.

I hope everything is going well with you Ascendant.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8688168
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Notsonaivenow ( new member #79390) posted at 12:52 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Hello.
This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but here I am.
Married 42 years (we were both young) with 4 grown children and 8 grandkids.
Wife moved out January 2019, saying she needed time and space to recover from burnout due to expending so much energy on our adult son with mild but permanent disabilities. Said I was not present enough and I put career ahead of her and our son's needs.
We are financially in very good shape due to the fruits of my labor and lack of hedonic creep on both our parts.

The details of how we got to this point are very complex and probably beyond the scope of this introductory post. Suffice it to say, I know that I took a lot for granted but I was never unfaithful.

I was blindsided by her decision to separate and immediately did some deep soul searching and started working with a personal therapist (found a good one after two others sucked).
I also asked wife to start couples therapy, which she refused for several months until relenting in July 2019. We tried one therapist, who sucked. We then found present therapist, who has been better but far from perfect in my opinion. He seems to spend majority of most sessions trying to get wife to talk about her feelings and not much time on relationship repair. But I digress.

I have worked on my issues and have clearly stated my goal of reconciliation. Wife has continued to say she doesn't know what she wants but does not want a divorce. Ironically, due to a career change (retired from very busy surgical practice), we run a business together and still interact nearly every day. I have learned to keep my personal feelings in check at work, and (although difficult for a while) that aspect has been tolerable for me.

I was a trusting chump for the first two years of our separation. I asked repeatedly if there was anyone else in her life, or if she was having any extramarital relationships, and she repeatedly said, "No, absolutely not. I'm working on myself." However, the inconsistencies piled up and I finally broke down my denial/hopefulness enough to do some basic investigation. She told me the password to her phone in passing and I memorized it. At the first opportunity, I opened her texts and found the details that devastated me. She had multiple sexual partners over the first year of separation, including an active affair at the time she left me (with a salesman who called on our business).

I confronted her with my findings shortly later (after an emergency phone session with my therapist for coaching). No surprise, she denied until she knew that what I knew was irrefutable. She then tried to call me out for violating her privacy!
The next couples session was spent with her trying to find out just how much I knew (I didn't show my hand completely but was resolute) and then explaining why she did what she did (justifying).

My wife has sworn that she has not had any extramarital relations since we started couples therapy. I have chosen not to challenge her, because I have no proof to the contrary, but I remain very skeptical and vigilant for any suspicious signs.

Now comes the hard part (maybe because I make it so). As I read over what I have written, and reflect about other things I have not mentioned, I think that I have been a total chump in many ways. However, I also know that I still am very much in love with my wife. Therefore, I have been very patient with her indecisiveness and refusal to recommit to our marriage. I have always believed in my marriage vows. I have resolved to not give up on our partnership until I feel that I have done everything I could to save it. That time is just about here. Since my discovery, she has developed an extreme interest in security of all phone and online accounts. She now has a Proton email account and tight phone security. She has said that she will never let me see her phone again, and that it's not my business what is on her phone or computer.

Wife has also been very adamant in feeling that she does not want to come across as the "Bad Guy" in our marital troubles. I think that is why she doesn't have the courage to say she wants a divorce. Ironically, our adult children have their own opinions of our situation, and she has no control over this! I have been very mindful NOT to share with them (or anyone else for that matter) the details of our situation. But our kids have experienced their own untruthfulness from her and have seen the drastic behavior change on her part.

I guess I'm mostly venting here, but also looking for support and advice from any men who have been in a similar situation. I think I have to cut bait, and I do not think it has been fear that has kept me in my marriage. I have been very loyal but also quite naive. I plan to give her an ultimatum soon, and if she is not willing to commit completely to us, then I will serve her the divorce papers.

Thanks ahead of time for any feedback.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2021
id 8688210
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 1:36 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

You may want to post this in just found out forum. People there can be of great help. If she wants to keep phone and computer private, that's a huge red flag. I wouldn't accept that from my wife. There should be no secrets in a marriage.

posts: 1315   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8688215
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 5:00 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Given the lies and DARVO you have nothing to work with right now. Maybe she will get out of this, but it seems like she has moved on to a new life and just wants to keep the marriage for appearances. My first thought would be file for divorce given what you already know. You could always hire a PI to get the current truth if that is important to you.

I completely get the wanting to leave no stone unturned to fix the marriage, but at some point she has to do her part. At the moment she is not even doing the minimum that is required to repair the marriage. Also there is nothing wrong with telling the children you are divorcing because you wife has been having inappropriate relationships with other men and just leave it at that. If you divorce, having them know the basic truth so they can support you appropriately is important.

I also agree you should start a thread in JFO since you will get many more responses there.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8688230
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Notsonaivenow ( new member #79390) posted at 11:56 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Thanks for the feedback. I will re-post in the other forum as you both recommended.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2021
id 8688242
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Ascendant ( member #38303) posted at 11:49 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

That's tough, man. Sorry you are here, glad you've found us.

As some of the others have laid out, the fact that your wife's reaction to being "discovered" was to want to lock down her tech even more stringently is a pretty sure sign that she doesn't feel like changing at this moment and feels entitled to do as she pleases.

Red flags waving all over the place, imho.

You cannot reconcile with someone who is still in an affair mindset. I would suggest that you detach (easier said than done, I know) from the outcome here. Make smart, healthy decisions that are smart and healthy regardless of whether your wife is still in the picture a year from now. It's gonna get rough, but things do get better eventually, one way or the other.

posts: 5187   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2013   ·   location: North of Chicago, Illinois
id 8688340
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Notsonaivenow ( new member #79390) posted at 2:16 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Thanks, Ascendant, HeartFullofHoles and 78monte.
The kindness and wisdom in all of the responses has been heartwarming to me.
I also had some great responses in the JFO thread, as you had suggested.

I am finally coming to the point of detaching myself from the outcome and realizing that my wife really does not want to reconcile. She seems to be waiting for me to make the move for divorce, because she thinks it will put her in a better light. I have two responses to that: 1. I don't care what anyone else thinks, and 2. People (including our adult children) already have their own ideas of what's going on, and she's not fooling any of them.

I plan to call a lawyer tomorrow and start the process.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2021
id 8688371
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 4:09 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

I plan to call a lawyer tomorrow and start the process.

You may also want to start a thread in Divorce/Separation regarding this. Each stage of the journey out of infidelity has different things to consider and you often get the most targeted advise posting in the correct section. You can always post in here when you need just a male perspective, but as you have likely realized in your JFO thread there are some very knowledgeable and supportive women on this site.

This is certainly your journey, but we will be with you, at least virtually, when you need a helping hand. Reach out whenever you need some support.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8688437
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Notsonaivenow ( new member #79390) posted at 7:03 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Again, thanks so much. I feel supported and no longer so alone in this journey.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2021
id 8688470
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WearingTheHorns ( member #37916) posted at 6:12 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Greetings gents, it's been a while. Coming up on the 9th antiversary of D-Day and while much has changed, some things haven't. My M is in many ways to my surprise better and stronger than ever. I still have huge struggles with trust of course, and I still very frequently have to bite my tongue to keep from saying some very cruel things. At times I still question my staying in spite of how happy we are together. I feel like I let myself down, that once again I proved that I'm not who I always thought I was and as many of you know that's a harsh truth you sometimes have to face. Would I do it differently now? I think I would. I think I would've tossed the whole thing and moved on with my life. Would that have made me happier than I am now? No way of knowing of course. Just thinking about it reminds me of the remake of The Time Machine when the hero is talking to the alpha morlock (played by Jeremy Irons, one of my favorite actors), and Irons' character says to him, "You're a man haunted by those two most terrible words, what if." I refuse to live my life constantly asking that, so I put my trust in God and move forward praying I never have to go through what I did 9 years ago ever again.

Another new development, and part of my present happiness is my son is getting married in April. He finally met a girl who's wonderful to him and his happiness is written all over his face when we see them (hers too actually).

Yet another reason I've come here is that back in the spring WW's BFF got engaged and asked me to perform the wedding. I did some hunting because it was important to me that I do more than just click submit on one of those minister in a minute websites. Instead I found a website where I was able to take a few classes and get a Christian grounding in marriage, and this past weekend we had the wedding. It was really something to do that, to cement a bond between two people built on love and faithfulness. Honestly I want do it again. So now I'm looking at possibly working for a company that provides officiants for weddings. It'd be part time only of course, but I really like the idea. Maybe I'm just somewhere in the back of my head thinking if I only say the right things meeting the couple's beforehand, and saying the exact right things during the ceremony I can prevent what happened to us from happening to them. Maybe doing it is some kind of therapy for me. I don't know, but I feel like it's something I need to do. We'll have to see.

Sorry for the verbal diarrhea. I just feel like y'all are the only ones I could say all of this to,and who would be able to really relate.

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months
Hoped I'd never have to add this: Dday #2 11/22/2015 Not sure how far it went yet but have a pretty good idea.

2 Cor. 12:9-10

posts: 1029   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2012
id 8690993
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:37 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Congratulations, twice - on your son's engagement and on your conducting weddings.

I don't want to rush your son, and I do not want even to seem to be forcing them to have children, but ... grandchildren are EXCELLENT! smile I imagine doing weddings is excellent, too.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26163   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8691221
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 3:45 AM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

WTH,

Coming up on 10 years, and remember what 9 was like. I guess we'll always question what if's, just part of life to me now. I'm happy, content, and glad I made the decision to R. We don't have the luxury to have Dr. Strange to run infinite simulations to determine that one optimal outcome, but I think I came close enough. I developed the tools coming out of the shit storm to help me believe that if the path I'm on isn't working, I can change it. Might trip and fall a few times, but life, right? Sounds like you know what you are doing.

Other than that poor philosophy Tredjack, life has been good. Our son is down in Pensacola getting ready for flight school. Wife and I are going sailing tomorrow out of Annapolis. We've ran out of pets, put the last 18 year old cat down about a month ago, so it's just us. That's kind of how the story was supposed to end, and it looks like it may just be that.

Saw an Ascendant siting but didn't have time to chime in. Good to see you FP grin Stay strong Menz.

Married: 24 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5788   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8691296
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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 10:24 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Hi! Just checking in after a long while. Wrote a book, working on writing another.

Wife has been in chemo for breast cancer.

Oldest son now taller than me, gotta teach him how to drive.

No fart jokes atm, but might pull one outta my ass later.

BH: Me 37
WW: Her 41
DDAY Mar 2014

posts: 13361   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Florida
id 8692405
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:51 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Congratulations on the book! Good luck on the next one.

I'm very sorry your W has cancer. I hope the chemo cures her.

Oh, man. I tried to teach my W to drive. It did not go well. I think she prohibited me from trying to teach our son. smile Don't you have a driver's ed requirement in your state?

Our son got into biking at 15. He couldn't get into driver's ed at his school because of his birth date, and he asked for some bike stuff instead of private lessons. That delayed his license (and the insurance cost) by a year. smile A word to the wise....

BTW, after that extra year of ferrying him around, W & I were desperate for him to drive, so that worked out well....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26163   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8692552
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