SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your post sounds delightful Dee.

I have had a lot of changes. I cannot remember all of what i have told you, but I finally had enough. More shit happened in jan, i confronted in feb, only to be met with more lies. I asked for a divorce in feb, and filed on 4/15/2020. We told the kids today. Our adult child knows most of the truth except for the homosexual acting out. She discovered a lot on her own and out the rest together. When daddy gets snapchat and takes the accountability app off of his phone and mama starts looking for a job, it is not too haed to figure out. The older two teens did not seem surprised. Our 10 year old was VERY upset. I have had to hold and comfort him multiple times. The 6 year old did not seem to quite understand. Obviously the 2 year old had no clue.

I do not trust him to be safe with the 2 year old. He has gone back to regular drinking. Because he is an alcoholic so of course he did. He went back to his sex addiction too. He is constantly messaging women. A local guy who is a friend but not like a close friend, contacted me because a friend of his had been contacted by my husband. Her profile says interested in men and women. He asked her "what does that mean". She ignored him, looked at his profile and realized that they have a mutual friend so she asked him about my husband. She called him a creeper multiple times. The friend showed me their conversation. He was completely surprised at all of this. I wasnt surprised at all, obviously.

Stbx is buying an rv and is going to live at the city park. I am not in love with this idea but theres not much I can do about it. We are doing an agreed divorce so hopefully it can be heard quickly. There is a 60 day wait between petition and seeing a judge, which doesnt seem like much when you are dissolving a 19 year marriage.

Voorhees - you might check out Recovery Nation - it's entirely devoted to sex addicts and spouses. But, I've seen great threads on here by sex addicts just not a dedicated one.

Hello, ladies,

I'm taking a minute to stop in. Since the quarantine, I really have found myself doing anything but checking SI.

On April 15, my divorce was final. I definitely grieved and do cry, but honestly, I feel peace. I no longer have to worry about who he is with or where he is or if my gut is telling me the truth. He cried during his testimony, which made it very difficult, but in the end, it is just as it has been since he moved out in February. I am grateful that we are co-parenting in a decent way. My kids are sad but seem to be moving through it ok. I'm trying to answer any questions they have. I'm wondering, too, if all this crazy virus has thrown our way has actually helped them accept this change.

I'm far from perfect or from being the happiest I have ever been, but for years, I used to sob and beg to feel peace. I want you to know that I have hours and even days of that. It is a blessing. I pray for peace for all of you. I'll keep stopping in. I want so much good for all of you.

Dem

I love to read this. It really does get so much better and I am SO happy that you're on that journey to peace.

I feel peace. I no longer have to worry about who he is with or where he is or if my gut is telling me the truth.

DI, this is beautiful to read. I can't wait to feel this too. Thank you so much for sharing.

Skeetermootch,

Of course! To be fair, nothing is perfect And there is still that rollercoaster on this side. It’s ok. I’m getting better at riding it.

Literally, nine days after the d was final, he posted a black and white photo of him in bed sleeping with his new woman and declared their relationship Facebook official. My son saw it. He’s a mess and said what I was thinking, “I can’t get that out of my head.” I allowed him to come over on Sunday to see the kids and he said nothing. Avoiding much? Same crap. Except now? I’m not going to be his go- between or try to get the kids to reach out. You know what? It’s his responsibility. If he can’t even wait to date, let alone publicly post it ? Nothing changes. I think it’s helped. I’m slow to this. I’m grateful for those who have been through this, helping me process the pain. I’ll get there. I can’t wait for it to be gone.

Last night, I found a paper where he’s written all the numbers I saw on the phone bill and who they were so I could feel “safe” when I saw the phone bill. Guess who tore that up? Guess who doesn’t check that phone bill now?

The worst part is going through this and not being able to meet up with friends or take the kids anywhere fun for distraction. I’m quarantined and he’s sleeping with the “new” girl and Bringing her germs into his place where our kids go. It’s ...yeah.

I didn’t want any of you to think it’s easy or you don’t still grieve. I still hate myself for grieving for a man who can so easily move on after 25 years. A man who knows he’s hurting his kids and chooses to continue. Ah. Like I said. Nothing changes. Love to you ladies.

I'm sure it's still so hard, DI. But, you're seeing that light at the end of the tunnel - no more surveilling and sleuthing, no more sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know he's lying.

What a fucking child to be posting pictures on facebook. I'm sorry your son had to see that. What an immature POS this guy is.

I'm still separated - six months now. I'm not entirely NC but don't see or talk to my STBX for days at a time. Almost every time I do have contact yes, it equals new hurts. So, it's getting a bit easier to skip reaching out to him. I can be hurt all by myself - don't need his help. Actually, I'm way less likely to be hurt all by myself - so why let him bring me down. I can't tell you how many times I was having a great day only to have it marred by contact with him.

The quarantine is definitely limiting the distractions - my hat's off to you for doing it right now! I feel like if we weren't on quarantine I might be further along but I'll get there.

HI everyone,

I'm just passing through with some more problems from "Genius," my Ex, also a SA, NPD (formally diagnosed, sociopath (informally diagnosed by a neutral child custody evaluator, secret BDSM person). I posted my problems in the Divorce thread.

I can't even remember how to use quotes and excerpts here, but I wanted to reach out to (((DemolishedInside)) and tell you that nearly nine years ago, I had to kick Genius out of our home when I discovered 2000 pages of his dangerous double life. This was after 15 years of marriage and two amazing children.

I froze inside that day, and I still can't remember one pleasant conversation between us (I remember a lot of bad things though) and I can't recall what a normal day was like during my marriage. My memories of the marriage are nearly completely gone. I was so traumatized. That night I called one high school friend and told her. Of course she said, "Oh no, he would NEVER do that to you. He LOVES you - you guys are so perfect."

I'll never forget that. At that point, I believed no one would ever believe me, and I was so filled with shame over what he did with those hundreds of men and women during our marriage - the scandalous details - so terrified people would find out - feeling so STUPID for not knowing it, that I did not tell my parents or my best friend for months that I kicked him out.

I'm blabbing here because I want to share a different perspective about discovery and leaving. I wasn't being rash - or courageous. I really had no choice. And I had to act quickly. Anyhow, the night I made him leave, I knew my life as I knew it was over, that he had betrayed me in the most painful and scandalous way, that my economic future was uncertain, that my family was gone, that my children would never be the same, etc. etc.

But I also felt safe for the first time in my own bed in years and years. The danger was gone. It was the most extraordinary feeling. I checked the locks on the door and felt so SAFE.

And I plowed forward, and he still tries to torture me because he's a sadist, but now I have a good job and pay my bills and live within my means. I have a quiet and peaceful house with no fighting. It's filled with my friends because I did not lose ONE of them, and I found new ones. I have my life back. And I found love, really for the first time in my adult life.

It was awful though. And I know that not everyone here has this option to leave. And for many of you, things might not be as bad as mine were.

I just want to say that if you do decide to leave, you can do it! I thought I would die. I couldn't breathe; I would sit down on the street and have panic attacks. I hadn't worked in nine years. I was a SAHM. My ex did things so scandalous that they would probably make the newspapers. So If I could do it, so can you - if necessary, and when you're ready.

.

[This message edited by marvelousdarling at 1:48 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

I need help knowing what I'm "supposed" to be doing in this process.

This can feel hard to do in the immediate aftermath, but you are supposed to take care of you. You can't do one single thing to make a difference in his recovery. He's going to do it or he isn't. That isn't your job.

Your job is you. What do you want to do? What can you do to help yourself? I personally recommend Al-anon if you're struggling with how to separate your needs from his right now. It's understandable if you are. Being with an addict is extremely damaging to our emotional health and it's easy to tie your own emotional well-being up with what he has going on.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 3:40 PM, May 14th (Thursday)]

(((demolishedinside))) Oh reading that made my heart hurt how unbelievably selfish of him. As detached as I am it would still be a knife in the heart. It's good to know that there is still a rollercoaster after getting out. All of this make me wonder if getting married was ever worth it. Feel like I've wasted so much already and I'm stuck in quarantine with him for unseeable future for now.

(((MarvelousDarling))) I'm so sorry you discovered all of this.

I left someone similar in 2011 and filed for sole custody and had the fight of my life until it was finally over in 2014. My kids and I are doing great now. I am the primary custodian but they spend time with their father.

What should you be doing for yourself? It's the most important question you can ask. Here's my two cents:

Join SA support groups, but WAY more importantly, find your own therapist. Why does your H have one when you don't? You are the one who needs a lot of support right now.

Confide in your family and friends. THIS IS NOT YOUR SHAME. Ask for help and support. You will need it.

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. That means getting outside every day, exercising, doing your hair, whatever it takes to make yourself feel healthy and human.

No to sex unless you've both been tested.

Detach. His problems are his problems. His recovery is his. You will hear this from the groups. You need to focus on yourself, a job or career if that's what you'll need, your health, your kids.

No matter what you do, you will not change him, fix him, get him to appreciate you and all that he has. It's up to him.

Please reach out to the people you love and trust. You can not do this alone in any sort of healthy way. (((HUGS)))

<DevastatedDee> and <choosinghope>

Thank you! I failed to mention I established treatment with an IC a few months ago! And I have a couple of golden-hearted friends that have been solid support for me over the last few weeks. So grateful.

Keep us updated on how you're doing, gorgeous. I know exactly the hell you're in and I'd be glad to hold your hand through it. These will be hard times, but you aren't alone and many of us have walked this path before.

HI MD,

Sorry you've been forced into this shitty club. My dday was about 10-11 months ago.

Keep coming here, read, write, and of course focus on you. Getting to the realization that I can't fix, teach, lead or even support his process is what has helped me the most. Now, when I'm tempted to give him insights or clear up his wonky thinking I stop myself. Doesn't work because it's operating under the assumption that my healing and happiness depend on his recovery. It' doesn't and thank goddess for that or I'd never be happy again.

Choosing Hope,

That's a remarkable story - you made it! Thanks for sharing!!

.

[This message edited by marvelousdarling at 1:52 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

My timeline is still in progress.

Caught him - around July, 2019 (although there were a few minor incidents earlier - nothing like the big dday)

Kicked him out 4 months later - Nov, 2019.

We have gone back and forth a lot throughout the last 10 months. The more I healed, re-invented myself, focused on my healing the easy it got to detach.

My husband blamed me throughout, lots of anger and victim bs - he also felt unappreciated, slighted, blah blah blah. At first I tried to understand and tease this all out but it was giving me panic attacks hearing this so pretty quickly I'd hang up the phone or kick him out when he started down this road.

Just a few weeks ago he turned a corner rather unexpectedly. I'm pretty stunned. I had an appointment with the lawyer on a Tuesday to file and on the Thursday or Friday prior he approached me seemingly a changed man. I'm not hanging my hat on any of it but so far he's been consistent - zero anger, zero blame, taking full responsibility, walking the walk.

They didn't plan on getting caught so upon being caught they're generally not ready to change. They want to return to their cozy little double life.

I'm still really angry that he put me through he worst hell I've ever known I'm not sure we can put this back together. I don't know that I'll ever trust him again and I've found I quite like living alone but we've been spending time together and it's been really nice.

I'm going to challenge you a little on this. You are asking the question you need to ask:

My God, today is just one of those days where I'm really wondering if I can stay with someone who has had absolutely zero regard for me, my energy, my work, my loyalty. None. Who does this to the person they're suppose to love?

And then you ask this:

A broken person, I know, but is he too broken to come back from this?

The first question is the question that is about you, which is where your efforts should be concentrated right now.

The second question is about whether or not he can be fixed. We say "broken" like it means all it needs is a little glue or the right repair person to put it right. "Broken" makes the assumption that this person was whole but something happened and he broke. I'm challenging this idea. What you and I would call broken is just who he is. He is the kind of person who did all of those things. It isn't a fix you're looking for. You're looking for him to become a different person who could not do all of those things. I'm not saying that people can't change, not at all. Imagine the difficulty in that, though, changing who you are. What he needs to change takes years, if it's even possible. This is why I say take any potential future version of him off the table and focus on what you want for your life.

"Broken" makes the assumption that this person was whole but something happened and he broke.

Thanks for this, Dee. Very true. So much of the discourse on SA seems to treat it as a discreet problem separate from the person's supposed other wonderfulness. It's not really separate - the addiction is as much who they are as any other part of them. No, more really - it requires more risk and deception and energy than probably any other aspect of their lives. It requires violating the hugest commitment they've made - to their partners and marriages.